They say it isn't easy
by ksfd89
Summary: A look at Rory and Jess ten years after they split up. The first half of the story takes part in Season Three and the later chapters are ten years afterwards. In this story, Rory slept with Jess instead of Dean but they still broke up. Rated M, may be too high. I hope you enjoy it!
1. Chapter 1

It was the hottest night Stars Hollow had all year and Lorelai Gilmore walked around the room holding a mini-fan to her neck.

"This does nothing."

"I told you it wouldn't," Rory said, looking up from her book. "And it was ridiculously expensive for the size that it is."

"It's shaped like a flower," said Lorelai, holding it over her daughter's face. "The fan's like petals!"

"Mom, my book!" Rory shouted, leaping up as the pages turned over. "I've lost my place!"

"Powerful for that, huh?" grinned Lorelai, taking amusement at her daughter's glare. "What're you reading?"

"_Tender is the Night_. Jess recommended it."

"Naturally." Lorelai rolled her eyes and flopped on the sofa besides her. "As long as he's not hoping to have a tender night with you!"

Rory went a deep red.

"Mom!"

"I don't trust his motives," Lorelai said and couldn't help making a face as Rory got up and said,

"I'm heading out to see him now."

"Rory!"

"Don't worry," Rory said, leaning over and kissing her mother. "_Tender is the Night_ is about a couple with mental health issues on the Riviera."

"Goodie," Lorelai said sarcastically. "Just what you want to read before a date."

"See you," Rory said, snapping up her house keys and skipping out, enjoying the warm air envelope her. Lorelai sighed as she left, trying not to worry, and picked up her daughter's abandoned book. It looked depressing and she switched on the television instead.

"Trying to ruin the Riviera, Fitzgerald," she mumbled. "Bastard."

There was a special scent to the air in summer and Rory breathed in the smell of sugar and hay. A glance to the right showed that Miss Patty was teaching the girls a routine for the Summer Parade but Rory ignored them and headed straight down towards Luke's, where she could see Jess coming towards her. Rory's heart leapt and she walked normally towards him, resisting the urge to run. Just seeing him set off butterflies inside her and as Jess reached her he greeted her with a heavy, deep kiss which made Rory weak at the knees.

"Hey," she said, stopping for air and he said,

"Hey," back, just before kissing her some more. Rory kissed him back before feeling aware of being close to the window of the diner and she stopped, pulling Jess along and away from the town.

"I wasn't done kissing you," Jess said, pretending to be annoyed and Rory squeezed his hand and said,

"Me neither – I just wanted a more private location."

Jess didn't say anything but Rory knew he wasn't annoyed anymore and they strolled in silence for a while.

"You look nice without your jacket," Jess said.

"It's the first night that it's warm enough to go without one," Rory said. "Let's sit here."

They had reached the bridge . The water was still under the heavy sky and the stars were coming out.

"Isn't it beautiful?"

"If you like getting eaten by mosquitoes."

"Mr Romantic," scoffed Rory, giving him a kiss, and she did not know what to say when Jess traced a finger down her neck to her chest and said,

"You're what's beautiful."

Rory kissed him again, hard, and didn't protest when Jess ran his hands over her chest and under her blouse. Her whole body ached for him. She moaned into his neck as he touched her breasts and nestled into him.

"Ror –" said Jess breathlessly and Rory whispered,

"Don't stop."

Before Jess could reply voices reached their ears – Taylor Doose was giving some sort of tour and Rory could hear him say loudly,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, will be our special location in summer months. Can't you imagine it – your favourite old-fashioned soda on the lovers' bridge?"

"Oh, jeez," mumbled Jess and Rory stood up and grabbed his hand.

"Come on."

They hurried away from the bridge without Taylor seeing them and, before they turned the corner to Rory's street, she heard Kirk ask loudly,

"What about a penny candy stall?"

"Here," panted Rory, as they got behind some trees and started kissing again, roughly, and sank to the ground. Rory didn't protest when he put his hands back under her shirt or when he lay on top of her but when he started to fumble with the button on her jeans Rory pushed him away and sat up.

"Jess, no."

"I thought –"

"We can't here," Rory said, catching her breath. "For one thing we don't have anything."

"I brought something," Jess said and Rory went red.

"Oh."

"In case we did," Jess said uncomfortably. "You said you were thinking about it."

"I was," Rory said defensively. "I am, and it's good that you did, but we can't here, not like this."

Jess was silent and Rory took his hand.

"I want to."

"I'm not trying to push you," Jess said eventually and Rory said,

"I know."

They sat silently and the voices of Taylor and Kirk arguing over penny candy stalls reached their ears again. Rory let out an awkward laugh.

"Aren't you glad we didn't now?"

"I guess," Jess said, and he stood up. "Come on, I'll walk you back."

"Did you have a good time?" Lorelai asked, looking up as her daughter came in. Rory nodded.

"What did you do?"

"Sat by the bridge," said Rory, sounding embarrassed and Lorelai said,

"I'm watching The Partridge Family if you want to join?"

Rory wrinkled her nose.

"I'll pass."

"But the hair! The clothes! So much mocking!"

Rory leaned over to kiss her mother.

"Night, Mom."

"Night hon," Lorelai said, and looked after her daughter thoughtfully. She was in a strange mood.

Rory sighed as she lay down on the bed, hugging herself, remembering Jess's hands on her less than an hour before. It had all felt so perfect and right and she'd felt sorry to stop, relieved about the condoms. Soon, she thought she wouldn't want to stop at all and wasn't sure how she felt about that. She closed her eyes and fell into heady dreams.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the feedback, very much appreciated! I forgot to put in a disclaimer at the start of the last chapter, so Gilmore Girls doesn't belong to me!

Rory bit her lip as she scanned the shelf with her eyes. She took a nervous glance behind her, going red as she grabbed the packet of condoms, despite being in Hartford and far from any prying eyes of Stars Hollow. She felt conspicuous in her school uniform and had been halfway through packing a change of clothes that morning before telling herself she was being ridiculous. Rory curled her fingers around the box, hiding the packaging, before walking up to the counter and paying, checking around her to make sure none of her school friends were nearby. The thought of Madeleine and Louise seeing her getting contraception was more than Rory could bear and she near-pelted her way out of the supermarket and to the bus stop.

"Hey," Rory called, pushing the door open. Lorelai was reading a magazine but she put it down when her daughter came in and gave her a kiss.

"Hi sweets. So how was school today?"

Rory shrugged.

"Same old, same old."

"Nothing to tell? No tests, fights or freak-outs?"

"Proud of your alliteration there?"

"Very," grinned Lorelai. "No meltdowns from Paris? I was expecting her to have destroyed something by now?"

Rory laughed and took off her back pack.

"I think she got most of it out of her system at the CSPAN thing. She lost it a little when Madeline brought up the subject of hair accessories for the final assembly but nothing major."

"So just a regular day?"

"Pretty much."

Lorelai nodded and Rory picked her bag up.

"I'm going to go change."

That evening there were tortillas and fries from Al's Pancake World.

"Surprisingly good," Lorelai remarked. "Especially guacamole on fries which I've never tried."

"Mm."

Lorelai watched her daughter sprinkle some pepper onto her fries. Rory seemed especially quiet that evening.

"Is everything okay, Rory?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Rory looked up and her mother looked away in embarrassment.

"No reason."

Rory resumed eating her fries and Lorelai remarked,

"You haven't tried it with guacamole yet."

"A salt and pepper dip is the only way to eat a fry."

"I bet guacamole is even better," Lorelai said, in an over-enthusiastic voice and Rory rolled her eyes and took it from her.

"There. Can I eat in peace now?"

"Sure," Lorelai said quietly and Rory felt guilty, knowing she'd been harsh. She put her fry down.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

Lorelai looked up again and Rory hesitated.

"It's really good."

Lorelai smiled, clearly relieved, but Rory couldn't taste any flavour.

Rory hated herself that night. She felt like a hypocrite. She had promised her mother she would talk to her, tell her when she was going to have sex but the minute her mother had breezily asked her how her day had been Rory had just clammed up. In that moment there was nothing on earth Rory would rather talk about less than with her mother and now that she was in her room Rory took the condoms and hid them in her desk drawer, even though she knew Lorelai would never go through her private things. Rory didn't know what was wrong – her mother was her best friend but this, this was different, and even though Rory knew she would be supportive and pleased she was being careful it was something she wanted to keep to herself. She hadn't even realised that until she had got home and saw her. Rory couldn't help feeling guilty for not telling her and felt ashamed again. Still, it wasn't as though she was even going to do it for definite – it was just a precaution – and with a sigh Rory got out her books and began to study.

A few hours later Lorelai stuck her head round her daughter's door.

"Luke's run. Come on."

"Mom, I'm studying!"

"Rory Gilmore, you cannot run from the Luke's run," said Lorelai in a mock stern voice. "We run to it, not from it, or...or..."

"Or what?"

"Or I'll be bored," Lorelai whined. "I don't want to go on my own!"

Rory sighed and put her pen down.

"I'm studying."

"You've been studying all night!"

"Two hours."

"All night!"

"Mom!"

"Rory, it will be the quickest of runs," Lorelai said dramatically, rolling her eyes. "In fact, it will be more of a Luke's _jog_."

Rory looked unimpressed.

"When is this test?"

"Next Friday."

"Next _Friday_?" Lorelai exclaimed. "Kiddo, that's over a week away."

"It's a hard test!"

"And I promise to let you cram all weekend. Come on, you need a break."

Rory bit her lip and Lorelai started up her chant of,

"You can't run from the Luke's run! You can't run from the Luke's run!"

Rory slammed her book shut and stood up.

"You'll sing that all night if I don't go, won't you?"

"You know me so well," Lorelai said gleefully. "I just love being able to coerce you into things."

The bell over the door rang and Luke looked up as his two best customers came in, one looking more excited than the other.

"Luke, you got any icecream?"

"Rory, what have I told you about giving her sugar after eight?" Luke sighed and Rory grinned and said,

"I tried."

"Clearly not hard enough." Luke put down the cloth he'd been wiping the counter with. "Icecream, doughnuts and coffee coming right up. Jeez, what an unholy trinity of food."

"Luke, have you seen Jess?" Rory asked, trying to sound casual, and Luke jerked his hand over to the window.

"He's putting out some trash."

"I'm going to say hi," Rory said, getting down from the counter and Lorelai protested,

"Rory, your icecream will melt!"

"I'll hold off on hers till she gets back," Luke said. "Is that okay?"

Lorelai nodded and Rory went to the door.

"Thanks, Luke."

Jess was putting the last of the bags in the garbage, grunting slightly, and Rory snuck behind him and put her arms around him.

"Hi," she said, kissing his cheek and Jess turned round and kissed her properly.

"Hey," he said, sounding pleasantly surprised. "I didn't think you were heading out tonight."

"Mom needed sugar."

"Of course," Jess said, clearly not interested in the reason and concentrated on kissing Rory. Rory kissed him back, letting him hold her tightly against his body but shortly pushed him away.

"What?" asked Jess, breathing heavily and Rory said,

"My mom's waiting."

"Rory, it's only been a few minutes and she's got Luke to talk to."

"I don't like kissing in the alley."

"We'll go upstairs then," Jess said but Rory shook her head.

"What is it? You seem nervous."

"I'm fine," Rory lied. "My icecream's melting."

"Luke can get you fresh icecream," Jess said but Rory bit her lip and he sighed.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

Rory awkwardly kissed him goodbye.

"Tomorrow."

"Can't wait."

Lorelai ate her icecream in silence and Luke looked at her with a puzzled expression.

"What?" Lorelai asked eventually, putting her spoon down. "Do I have an icecream moustache or something?"

"No, it's just oddly silent in here tonight."

"What? Rory's outside and I'm eating my icecream."

"Doesn't normally stop you."

Lorelai ignored the jibe and looked thoughtful.

"What?" Luke asked, unable to hold his curiosity. "What are you thinking about?"

"Did Rory seem odd to you?"

"Odd how?"

"Quiet."

"She's always quiet," Luke said, beginning to wipe the table. "You do enough talking for two."

"She is quiet," Lorelai said insistently. "More quiet. I think something's bothering her."

"Why not ask?"

"I have. She said she's fine. Probably just that test or something. She has one next week."

"Probably," Luke said and they both jumped as the door opened and Rory and Jess came in. "Hey Rory, I'll get that icecream for you."

"Thanks," said Rory quietly and Jess stared at her.

"I'm going upstairs," he said, sounding annoyed. "Enjoy your dinner."

"What's up with him?" Lorelai asked and Luke shrugged.

"Kid's always in a bad mood. Oh, that is the grossest thing I've ever seen!"

"What?" protested Lorelai, putting her doughnut to her mouth, coated in icecream. "Makes it taste better!"

"Control your mother, Rory," Luke sighed. "She's too much for me."

Rory could not enjoy her doughnuts and icecream. She didn't know why she'd been so shy in the alley – she'd meant to tell Jess she'd got prepared as well, that she was ready, but the words wouldn't come out of her mouth and she'd felt stupid. She wished she'd never gone to Luke's and didn't smile when her mother insisted on putting icecream on her doughnut too.

"Great Luke's run, huh?" Lorelai asked, looping an arm around her daughter. "Luke's jog?"

Rory nodded and looked up at the diner window but it was empty and they were alone.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks again for the feedback! I haven't written for Gilmore Girls before so very pleased it's in character. This chapter is slightly different than Lorelai's actual birthday episode but was for sake of plot!

The next day Rory went straight to Luke's after school. She hastily changed her clothes and called out a quick goodbye to her mother.

"Be back by five thirty," Lorelai called back. "You know there might be traffic!"

"It's your birthday, it won't matter if we're late," Rory said, stopping with her had on the door and her mother laughed at her.

"Have you met Richard and Emily?"

"Okay," sighed Rory. "Well, make sure you don't stuff yourself too full of cake at Sookie's."

"Because of my party?" grinned Lorelai and she pouted when Rory said,

"No, because of Grandma's dinner – I told you there was no party and it's too late to organise one now!"

"Fine," snapped Lorelai. "For your birthday you won't even _get _cake."

"Meagre threat," Rory said airily. "I'll see you later, birthday girl!"

Lorelai started eating more of the chocolate wishing her a happy birthday on the table and stuck her tongue out as Rory shouted,

"Stop ruining your appetite!"

"Yes, Mother!"

Rory felt nervous as she approached Luke's diner. A quick scan around showed that he wasn't wiping tables or serving customers and Rory wondered briefly if he was working an extra shift at Walmart. She felt a surge of hope and then felt annoyed with herself.

"Hi Luke," Rory said, pushing the door open and Luke looked up.

"Your mother not with you?"

"She's drowning sorrows with birthday chocolate."

"Of course," said Luke, completely unperturbed by this information. "Are you looking for Jess?"

Rory nodded and Luke said,

"He's upstairs. Do you want a coffee before you go up?"

"No thanks," Rory said, walking behind the counter. "I won't be too long. Maybe one for the way back."

Rory swallowed as she walked up the narrow staircase, half-excited and half-nervous. She didn't know what to say and found Jess lying the wrong way on the bed, reading JD Salinger with his headphones on. Rory walked over and lifted them up.

"Hey."

Jess leapt up in shock, nearly cracking his head.

"Jeez!"

"Sorry," Rory said, letting out an anxious laugh. "Didn't mean to scare you."

"There's other ways to greet a person," Jess said, turning his music off and Rory went red.

"Sorry."

"I didn't know if you'd want to see me today," Jess said moodily, putting the book face-down on the bed. "What with your imaginary icecream and all."

Rory went an even deeper red.

"Jess –"

"I don't get it, Rory," Jess said in frustration. "Sometimes it's like all you want to do is be with me and then other times it's like you're nervous of me. Like you don't know me."

"Jess!" Rory cried. "That's not true!"

"Did I do something?" Jess asked. "Were you mad at me yesterday?"

"No!" Rory exclaimed. "You didn't do anything. I don't know what was wrong. I guess I felt nervous but not because of you."

"Why then?" Jess asked, no longer looking angry and Rory looked down and shrugged.

"I guess I'm not used to this...stuff."

She felt embarrassed and bit her lip. Jess didn't say anything but he kissed her on the cheek.

"Let's forget about it."

"You're not mad?" Rory asked, looking up and he kissed her again.

"Why would I be mad?"

Rory answered him with a kiss. He put his arms around her and they kissed some more, heavily, and Rory moved onto the bed. She let Jess lie her down and him move on top of her and she wrapped her legs around him, breathing heavily. Jess kissed her neck and lifted up her shirt touching her breasts and Rory moved in rhythm with him, yearning for more. It was only when she gazed up and caught sight of the clock that she pushed Jess away in horror and sat up.

"Rory, what?" Jess asked, sounding a little dazed and Rory moaned,

"It's five thirty-five! Mom's going to kill me!"

"But –"

"I have to go," Rory said, pulling her shirt back down and grabbing her bag, not a moment too soon as Luke walked through the door.

"I was wondering where you kids had got to."

"I was just leaving," Rory said in a flustered voice. "I'll have to leave that coffee, Luke. See you tomorrow – oh, see you later, remember! You haven't forgotten?"

"With this town breathing down my neck the whole time? How could I?" Luke said, rolling his eyes. "I'll see you later."

"Bye," panted Rory, not even stopping to kiss Jess as she hurtled her way down the stairs and out onto the street.

"You're late!" Lorelai cried as her daughter flung herself onto the front lawn. "You know we have to beat traffic!"

"I'm sorry, Mom," gasped Rory, opening the car door and getting into the passenger side.

"Rory!"

"What?"

"Change!"

"Right!" Rory exclaimed and a few minutes later she emerged in a summer dress, her makeup bag in her hand.

"I'll do it on the way," she explained at her mother's expression and, ignoring her, climbed into the car.

Lorelai kept looking at Rory applying her makeup and laughing.

"What?" Rory snapped.

"You really are my daughter, aren't you?" Lorelai said, but there was a trace of seriousness in her voice as she focused on the road.

"What does that mean?" Rory asked, snapping her lipgloss shut.

"It means that this is bringing back several flashbacks of applying my makeup on the run when I'd just been with a boy, hastily changing my clothes. God, I remember applying my lipstick so it wouldn't look smudged right before my parents got back, right after –"

"Mom!" Rory said sharply. "We weren't having sex!"

"Good," Lorelai said but she didn't sound much relieved. "You were still with a boy though and I'm willing to bet it wasn't just holding hands."

Rory concentrated on putting her makeup away.

"Rory?" Lorelai asked, glancing at her. "Please be careful."

"Mom, I just said we weren't having sex."

"When you do," Lorelai said. "But I meant in other ways as well."

Rory was silent and stared out of the window. For some reason she felt like crying.

"Well, would you look at that," Lorelai said as they passed the sign for Hartford. "We managed to beat traffic after all."


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for the feedback, appreciated as always! This chapter has spoilers for _Tender is the Night_!

Rory wiped her forehead and sighed. She had helped clean up after Lorelai's party all morning and it still wasn't back to how it was. When she closed her eyes she saw pizza and didn't think she could ever look at it again.

"Go home, Rory," Lorelai said, coming up to her and handing her a bottle of water. "We're nearly done."

"No we're not!"

"Yes, we are. You've worked all morning sweets, take a break."

Rory thought about it and then nodded.

"Okay, but if it's still not done by dinner-time I'm coming back."

"Deal," Lorelai said, kissing her forehead. "Take this spare pizza home, would you?"

"I can't look at pizza ever again," Rory said, wrinkling her nose as her mother handed her some boxes and her mother gasped.

"What is this blasphemy?"

"I mean it, Mom."

"Take it back anyway, we have enough to last a week. We could have for dinner on Friday seeing as we don't have to the grandparents' anymore!"

Lorelai sounded cheerful but Rory could tell she was still upset.

"I don't think it would keep that long."

"Well, give it away then. Besides, I'm sure you'll be able to eat it in a couple of days."

"I don't know about that," Rory said, and she gave her mother a kiss. "I'll see you at home."

Rory dumped the boxes in the kitchen and had a shower, changing into jeans and a crimson shirt before grabbing her bag and two of the pizza boxes. She walked back over the square, giggling at the sight of Kirk and Taylor fighting over the megaphone they were using to call out instructions, and made her way into the diner.

Jess was wiping down some tables but he stopped when Rory came in.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How come you didn't stay longer last night?" Rory asked, unable to help feeling a little hurt. "I was really looking forward to you coming."

Jess looked uncomfortable and wiped the table again.

"It was your mom's thing, I didn't want to make it weird. It was her birthday."

"It was my thing too," Rory said in a small voice. "She wouldn't have minded if you'd stayed."

"Sorry," Jess said and Rory looked down, wanting to forgive him but still feeling annoyed.

"Hey Rory!" Luke called, making them look round. "What's that you've got there?"

"Pizza boxes," Rory said, walking over to the counter and handing him the boxes. "We had tons left over."

"That's great," Luke said. "Thank your mom for me. I'm sorry I can't help clean up, I'll swing by after work if they're still there."

"That's okay," Rory said. "I know you're busy. Thanks for coming."

"I wouldn't have missed it. Jess, want to take your break?"

Jess slowly walked over to the counter.

"What about the tables?"

"Mid-morning lull, I can handle it."

"It's after twelve."

"Jess!"

"Come on," Jess said to Rory, taking her hand and they walked upstairs to the apartment, which Rory had always thought was too generous a word.

They kissed when they were upstairs but only in greeting. Rory pulled her book out her bag.

"I finished _Tender is the Night_."

"What did you think?"

"I thought Dick was like his namesake."

"He tried to make too many people happy. He should have stayed with Rosemary."

"Are you kidding?" Rory exclaimed. "What about Nicole?"

"She didn't make him happy and he didn't make her happy. They were both messed up."

"Half that reason was because he started having an affair with Rosemary," Rory said angrily. "If he'd been honest with Nicole they'd have been happier. They might not have stayed together but they'd be happier."

"It's not that easy, Rory," Jess said. "Jeez, it was high society. It's not like they could try some trial separation or go on Doctor Phil."

"That's not what I meant," Rory snapped. "Don't act like I can't understand context!"

"I'm not!" Jess shouted. "I'm saying you're being too quick to demonise the guy!"

"And you just don't want him to take any accountability!"

"I'm not saying the guy didn't do anything wrong! I'll write some notes in the margins –"

"I don't want to read your notes in the margins! God, you think I'm too dumb to read any book for myself!"

They both stopped and stared at each other, breathing heavily. Rory turned around and looked out of the window, trying not to cry.

"I can't believe we just had a fight over Fitzgerald," came Jess's voice behind her. "Shame the guy's not here to see what an impact his work had."

Rory smiled in spite of herself and wiped her eyes. Jess came up behind her and took her hand.

"What's wrong?"

"You know what's wrong," Rory said in a wobbly voice and Jess said,

"Come on, even you don't get that mad over me reading a book differently to you."

Rory took a deep breath and turned around to look at him.

"You didn't stay."

"What?"

"Mom's party, you didn't stay. You only came for half an hour."

"Rory, you knew I didn't want to go. I hate those town things."

"But it wasn't just a town thing!" Rory shouted. "It was _my_ thing!"

"It was your mom's birthday party," Jess said, sounding confused. "Your mom hates me and the whole town was there. I didn't want to ruin the party atmosphere."

"Don't play stupid, Jess. You knew it was important to me. You knew I'd be there all night, you knew how hard I worked on it and you came for half an hour for a slice of pizza and to comment on how lame these town things are. The party _I_ arranged."

Neither of them said anything for a moment and then Jess said quietly,

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Rory said, wiping her eyes and Jess said,

"No it isn't. I was a jerk."

"Well," Rory said. "You're not a jerk now."

"I really am sorry," Jess said. "If anyone else had arranged it would have been a mess. I'd have brought down the mood."

"You wouldn't have."

"I'm sorry," Jess said again and Rory nodded, the last of her tears falling down her face. Jess wiped them away for her.

"And I don't think you're too dumb to understand context," he said, kissing the spot on her cheek where her tears had been. "I think you're the only person who understands it better than me."

"So modest," Rory laughed but she kissed him, lightly at the first, and then a deeper kiss, and his hands were in her hair and she smelt his shampoo and Rory breathed in his scent, feeling very far away. Something changed inside her, she wanted him and as they moved to the sofa it was as though they couldn't get close enough. She buried herself into him, feeling dizzy at the heat of his breath and it was only when the door opened and Luke came in that they sprang apart.

"Break's over," he said drily. "Get back downstairs, the afternoon rush is starting."

"You really know how to break up a romantic moment, don't you?" Jess said sarcastically, getting up and Luke snorted.

"Is that what you call it?"

Rory wishes she wasn't there and she grabbed her bag.

"I'm going," she said quickly. "Enjoy your pizza."

"Rory!" Jess called and he hurried after her down the staircase, brushing past the mounds of customers who had just arrived. "Rory, slow down!"

Rory stopped just outside the diner and turned to face Jess.

"What's wrong?"

"I hate this!" she exclaimed. "I hate that we're always interrupted and that we never have real space and that Luke saw us kissing and Mom's seen us kissing and...and..."

"What?" Jess asked gently.

"That Luke might have seen my bra," Rory admitted and crossed her arms self-consciously.

"He didn't."

"How do you know?"

"I was blocking it."

"Oh. Well, good. Though technically, he already has."

"What?"

"When I was eleven Mom bought me my first bra," Rory said, going red at the memory. "And they put it in this really cutesy bag saying _my first bra_ on it and it wasn't even a real bra, I was too small for even a double A so I had one of those pity bras they give to girls who are too small for boobs, but Mom thought it was really cute and she showed it to Luke."

"Bet he loved that."

"I never saw him turn around so fast," Rory said. "It was worse for me though. I ran all the way home and wouldn't go back for a week. Mom was really apologetic too. She said she had Mom mania and one day I'd understand, but I swear, if I have a kid I will never do that to her."

"I'm sure you won't," Jess said and Rory started laughing.

"I don't know how we ended up talking about this."

"Well," Jess said, looking behind him. "I have to go. Luke will kill me if I'm not behind that counter in ten seconds."

"Five, from the look on his face," Rory said, staring past him to see Luke gesturing wildly at Jess's back. "What time do you finish?"

"Six, but then I have Walmart."

"You're working so much," Rory said. "When do you have time for study?"

"I told you I had it under control," Jess said irritably. "Will everyone get off my back?"

"I'm sorry," Rory said, taken aback and he sighed.

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just that Luke's been really on about it lately."

"Okay," Rory said, giving him a kiss goodbye. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you," Jess said, giving her a crooked grin, and he walked back inside as slowly as possible to annoy his uncle.

Rory walked home to find her mother in as little clothing as possible with every fan on.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm too hot," Lorelai moaned. "Too much cleaning!"

"Go have a shower."

"I'm too tired."

"You're gross."

"I know. Hey, how was Jess?" Lorelai asked, raising her head slightly and Rory shrugged, passing her mother some water.

"Fine. We had a fight about _Tender is the Night_ but then we made up."

"Okay," Lorelai said, confused, and Rory added,

"Then he told him my first bra story where you showed it to everyone."

"I did not!" Lorelai exclaimed and then she frowned. "Why'd you tell him that?"

"I have no idea," Rory said going and getting her own bottle. "But you did tell everyone."

"Mom mania," Lorelai winced. "I'm sorry. At least I didn't show them your first box of sanitary napkins."

"Only because I hid them," Rory said and Lorelai coughed and got up.

" Hey, what do you want to do for dinner tonight?"

"I'm totally stuffed," Rory said. "Something small?"

"Al's Saturday Night Special with all the sides?"

"I'll grab the menu."


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for the feedback!

A few days later Jess was waiting for Rory's bus as it pulled up to Stars Hollow. Rory jumped off the steps and into Jess's arms with a kiss.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, happily surprised. "I thought you worked Wednesday."

"I traded shifts. Come on, let's go back to Luke's."

Rory grabbed his hand and walked with Jess to the diner, kissing him here and there. It was busy inside and Rory and Jess slipped upstairs without being noticed. Jess helped take off Rory's jacket and they left it on the floor, moving to his bed.

"So," Rory said as Jess finished kissing her. "There's a party in a couple of weeks."

Jess didn't reply and moved onto her neck.

"It's at Kyle's. Lane's band is playing," Rory continued, shaking her hair loose. "It's like their first real gig."

Jess kissed her mouth again, moving onto her and Rory added,

"I said we'd go. It should be fun."

"Mm," Jess said, clearly not listening and Rory pushed him off.

"Jess!"

"What?"

"You're not listening!"

"Party at Kyle's," Jess said in frustration. "Two weeks. Can we get back to kissing?"

"Will you come?"

"I don't know, Rory," Jess said, clearly not interested. "I'm not big on the Stars Hollow High crowd. I don't even know this Kyle guy."

"But you're big on me," Rory said. "And Lane, but not in the same way I hope. Come on, Jess."

He made a face.

"What else are you going to do?" Rory asked, annoyed. "Sit at home and read _Franny and Zooey_ for the millionth time in a row?"

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with reading _Franny and Zooey_."

"Jess, please."

"It's just some lame party!"

"I don't want to go by myself."

"Maybe," Jess said and then he sighed. "Is that okay?"

"That had better be a yes," Rory teased but Jess cut her off by kissing her again, pushing her back onto the bed. Rory kissed him back but when Jess tried to undo her shirt she pushed him away and sat up.

"What?" Jess asked. "What's wrong?"

"Jess, I'm in my Chilton uniform!"

"So?" Jess asked and looked non-plussed when Rory exclaimed again,

"My _Chilton_ uniform!"

She looked around the room and caught sight of herself in the only mirror, dishevelled with her tie crooked and her hair mussed and loose around her face, the hairband lost at some point.

"So take it off."

"Jess!" Rory exclaimed, going red, and Jess said,

"I was just kidding!"

"No, you weren't," Rory said and she came and sat back down on the bed, on the other side. Neither of them said anything for a moment.

"Rory, I'm sorry," Jess said awkwardly. "I wasn't trying to be a sleaze."

"You're not."

"I don't want to push you," Jess said. "I didn't mean to –"

"I know."

Rory stared at her hands. They suddenly seemed very interesting.

"Have you thought about it anymore?" Jess asked. "Do you still want to?"

"Yes," Rory said automatically. "No. I don't know."

Jess didn't say anything and Rory said,

"It's like there's two parts to me. One part wants to, so, so much and the other half keeps pulling back. Do you think that's weird?"

"No," Jess said and Rory said,

"I do want to, Jess, but not here, not right now."

"I know," Jess said quietly and Rory said shyly,

"I got condoms."

Jess looked up.

"When?"

"Last week. Just in case."

Jess nodded and gave her a kiss, a soft one, and Rory leant over so she was closer to him. Jess put his arm around her and they sat in silence for a while.

"I need to go," Rory sighed, catching sight of the clock. "Mom's waiting."

"Let her wait," Jess said but Rory looked at him and he sighed, walking with her downstairs. Luke stared as they went past the counter.

"When did you two go up there?"

"Long enough for you to make three trips," Jess said and his uncle's eyes widened.

"I'm going," Rory said quickly, giving Jess a kiss. "See you later, Luke."

"See you, Rory," Luke said, staring at his nephew and Rory hurried out of the diner, still embarrassed three roads later.

"Hey Rory!"

Rory jumped and looked up to see her ex-boyfriend laughing at her.

"Hey Dean," Rory mumbled, knowing her face had gone pink again. "What's up?"

"Not much – just going to pick up Lindsay."

"Oh," Rory said, feeling a familiar sadness. "Say hi from me."

"Will do. So how's..."

Dean trailed off and Rory finished for him,

"Jess is fine. We're going to try and go to Kyle's party in a couple of weeks."

"Cool, I think we're going to that. Maybe we'll see you there."

"Maybe," agreed Rory. "Say hi to Lindsay."

"Will do. Say hi to your mom."

"Sure," Rory said. "See you around."

Dean moved as though to hug her and then stopped short and waved awkwardly. Rory smiled and gave a small wave back before watching him walk away, taking long strides. It still felt so strange to hear him say _we_ and not be referring to him and her. Dean. Good old, dependable Dean. Rory knew that if she had asked him if he wanted to go to a party with her, any party, he would say yes without asking why or where simply because he wanted to make her happy. Rory still felt so guilty about how it had ended and couldn't help feeling sad whenever she heard about Lindsay. Sometimes she wondered why she had stopped loving him – Dean was so wonderful, so reliable, he had even gone to that cotillion with her and Rory knew that if she had asked Jess to do the same he'd refuse without even having to say a word and talk her out of as well. She had felt safe with Dean, secure and yet somewhere along the line she had stopped loving him. It was so different with Jess, it was exciting and when she was with him Rory wanted to do things she'd never thought of before. She had never pictured sex with Dean – not seriously. She'd been attracted to him, obviously, and when they had first been together his kisses had made her dizzy but it never went far. It was though they'd both known there was a stopping point without even discussing it and neither wanted to go further. Rory had imagined it, once or twice, but the whole thing had felt so impossible, so ridiculous, that she had shook the image from her mind and never thought about it again. When she was with Jess she didn't feel safe, didn't know where it was going to go and it was exciting. Sometimes she thought of nothing else. It was wonderful and terrifying all at once and Rory was so lost in thought that she walked straight into her front door.

"Ow!"

"What is it?" cried Lorelai, running over as Rory walked in, rubbing her nose. "Where have you been?"

"With Jess," Rory said, looking up and Lorelai took in her dishevelled appearance.

"So I see."

"Mom!"

Rory marched over to the counter, pouring herself a cup of coffee, and Lorelai remarked,

"It would have been nice if you'd called."

"I didn't plan on being so long," Rory said defensively. "And I didn't know Jess was going to be there – he was waiting for my bus."

"How awfully romantic," Lorelai said, a trace of sarcasm in her voice and Rory rolled her eyes. "Hey! I saw that, missy."

"Will you always hate Jess?"

"I don't hate Jess," Lorelai said uncomfortably. "I'm just not his greatest fan."

"Mom!"

"Rory, I'm sorry but I can't help it. He's an angry kid."

"He's not a kid!"

"He is a kid!" Lorelai exclaimed. "A kid with a lot of issues. Rory, don't look at me like that. I'm not saying he's on the same level as a kindergartener but he has a lot of growing up to do. You both do."

"Thanks," snapped Rory, storming into her room and Lorelai followed her, protesting.

"Come on Rory, don't be like that. I'm not trying to patronise you, you know I'm not, and you know how smart I think you are, but you're still only eighteen. You've got your whole life ahead of you."

"You had a two-year-old when you were my age."

"And you think I want that for you?" Lorelai exclaimed, going and sitting next to her. "Rory, please don't take my experience as a frame of reference. I don't regret having you for a second but I want you to enjoy being a kid and do it all at the right pace. Rory, I had no idea what I was doing."

"You did a pretty good job," Rory mumbled and Lorelai stroked her hair.

"I like to think so. Rory, it's not that I don't want to like Jess but he makes it pretty hard."

"You never gave him a chance," Rory said, looking up, her blue eyes large and pleading. Lorelai sighed and pulled him into a hug.

"Rory, I'm just so afraid he'll hurt you."

"He's not as bad as you think."

"You always see the best in people," Lorelai said sadly, looking at her daughter, her eyes so full of trust. Rory looked down.

"You say it like it's a bad thing."

"It's not a bad thing," Lorelai said softly. "I just don't want anyone to ever use that against you."

"They won't," Rory said tearfully. "He won't."

"Okay," Lorelai said gently. "I just love you so much, Rory. I couldn't bear to see you hurt."

Rory didn't say anything but rolled over to her side so her mother wouldn't see her cry.

"Well," Lorelai said, getting up. "I'll be in the next room if you want me."

Rory heard her slowly walk out and shut the door and hugged a cushion, feeling tears fall down her cheeks. Lorelai rarely played the mom card and whenever she did it was hard. Part of her wanted to run out, crying, and tell her how she felt, how in love and how happy and scared at once but another part wanted to keep it secret, special, without her mother pouring doubt all over it, telling her Jess would hurt her and that it was a mistake for her to be with him.

Slowly Rory sat up and emptied her book bag, wiping her eyes and then stopping in surprise. Jess had returned _Tender is the Night_, a flip through showing he had written in the margins.

_Rory_, it read on the front page. _You know you can read context better than anyone but this is to show you my perspective, not change yours. Tell me what you think, I can listen to you all day as well as look. Jess._

There were no hearts or kisses but none were needed. Rory knew how he felt and, smiling, she curled her legs up and began to read. She knew he would never hurt her.


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks everyone for the wonderful feedback!

"Crap!"

"What's wrong?" Rory came out of her bedroom and saw her mother slam down the phone, a furious expression on her face.

"Drama at the inn. Some idiot left a tap running and now the weak pipe is no longer a pipe and, long story short, there's a flood."

"A_ flood_?"

"A flood."

"Are we talking Noah's Ark style or like the big puddle we get every fall?"

"I don't know," Lorelai sighed. "That's what I get to find out. I don't know long it's going to take. Like the place burning down wasn't enough. Are you okay on your own?"

"I'll be fine. I'll watch movies or something."

"Try Lane. Bye, hon."

"Wear your waders," said Rory, returning her mother's kiss. "Make use of that fishing outfit."

"Funny," said Lorelai, rolling her eyes. "Okay, I'm heading off before Michel cries about his ruined suit. I want a front seat view."

"Mean!"

"I'm funny. Bye!"

Rory waved her mother off and turned the television on. She flicked through the channels; nothing was on and Rory got up and made a bag of microwave popcorn, eating it too quickly and scalding her tongue. She was bored. Videos were no fun alone and finally Rory grabbed her keys and went out to find Lane.

"Lane not home!"

"Where is she?" Rory asked, disappointed and Mrs Kim snapped,

"Bible study, Young Chui! She come home in one hour!"

"Okay."

"Then she reads Bible with me and goes to bed."

"Okay, Mrs Kim," Rory said, making a mental note to ask Lane how her date had been. "See you soon."

"I'll tell her to show you a Bible," Mrs Kim said and Rory nodded, backed away and hurried off before New Testament verses could be flung at her.

"Hey!"

Rory saw Jess on the corner of the sidewalk, hands in his pockets before stopping her and giving her a deep, melting kiss.

"Where are you running off to?"

"Nowhere," Rory said, quickly kissing him back. "I went to Lane's but she wasn't home. I was running away from Mrs Kim."

"Okay," said Jess, sounding a little confused but not asking further. "Do you want to hang out?"

"Sure," Rory said, squeezing his hand. "I thought you had to work tonight."

"I switched shifts with Caeser again."

"To see me?" grinned Rory and kissed him again. "I'd have called if I'd known."

"I was on my way over."

"You'd have come to an empty house," Rory said, starting to walk down the street. "Mom had an emergency at the inn and had to go fix it. I don't know how long she'll be."

"Really?" asked Jess and Rory nodded, not sure what to say. They walked in silence.

"It's colder tonight," Rory remarked as an icy breeze brushed her arms. "I thought the cold weather had finished now."

"Guess not."

"Hey, let's go back to my place," Rory said, grabbing his hand. "We've got tons of videos and popcorn."

"Your place?" Jess asked in surprise. He never went there, he and Rory had silently agreed to always go to Luke's a long time ago, knowing Lorelai silently disapproved.

"We'd have the place to ourselves," Rory said, turning onto the street corner. "Enough time for a movie."

"Okay," Jess agreed, sounding a little unsure and Rory looked at him, almost ready to ask what he was thinking but he gave her a sort of smile and she smiled back, swallowing the question.

"Hey," Jess said, squeezing her hand. "I'll go to that party."

"Really?" squealed Rory and he sighed, pretending to be pained.

"Really. And that stupid prom."

Rory hugged him tightly.

"And you'll wear a cheesy tux?"

"I'll be like James Bond and it won't be cheesy."

"I...you're awesome," Rory said, taking his hand again. "Thank you."

Jess looked embarrassed and smiled and Rory was suddenly filled with longing.

When they got back Rory kept holding his hand as she pushed the door open, calling,

"Hello?" just to be sure but there was no reply.

"Mom's still out," Rory said. "Make yourself at home."

Jess sat awkwardly on the sofa and Rory made two cups of coffee and another bag of popcorn, pouring it into a large bowl and carrying it all over.

"What do you want to watch?" she asked and Jess shrugged.

"Whatever."

"There must be one movie you like."

"I don't watch movies."

"That's crazy," Rory said, going over to the video pile. "Well, you'll like this one – _Casablanca_. Everyone likes it."

She slotted it into the VCR and then snuggled up to Jess, grabbing a handful of popcorn.

"No talking, that's the rule."

Jess nodded and Rory started the movie, eating the popcorn. Jess briefly glanced at the screen before getting distracted, kissing Rory's neck and starting to play with her hair. Rory giggled and swatted his hand away.

"What, I'm not talking!"

"Jess, you're not watching the movie."

"No, I'm not watching the movie," Jess said, pulling her back towards him and Rory protested,

"It's just started and I said you'd love it –"

Jess silenced her with a kiss and Rory kissed him back without entirely meaning to. She let Jess run his hands through her hair and over her back but when he slipped a hand under her a shirt she pulled away.

"What are we doing?"

"Making out."

"What about the movie?"

"What _about_ the movie?" Jess asked in frustration. "This is better."

"You've never even seen my house, not really, and you've never seen this movie."

"Rory, I feel strange in your house," Jess confessed. "I don't ever come here, your mom always glares at me from the corner and I can't sit on this sofa without feeling weird. It's a mood kill."

"You were pretty comfortable a moment ago," Rory commented and then sighed, turning the movie off. "Do you want to go someplace else?"

"No," said Jess shortly and Rory crossed her arms. There was an awkward pause.

"Come see my room," Rory said suddenly and Jess looked at her quizzically.

"Why?"

"It's changed."

Jess silently followed her through the hall and stopped in surprise as Rory pushed the door open.

"What happened to your wall?"

"Changed it for Yale," Rory said, turning and smiling at him. "I'm still not really used to it."

"You've got more books," Jess remarked as they turned to look at her bookshelf and Rory laughed in surprise.

"You can tell just by looking? I got that special copy of _Franny and Zooey_ like you wanted."

Jess nodded and Rory pulled it out from the shelf.

"I'm still keeping my old copy," she started to say and Jess wrapped his arms around her and covered her mouth with his. Rory was surprised but she kissed him back, dropping the book and holding him close to her.

"This isn't looking at my books," she managed to say between kisses and Jess replied by taking her hand and leading her over to the bed. They sat down and then Jess lay down on top of her, kissing her neck. Rory gasped and dimly she thought she should be saying something, slowing down, but she didn't want to. It all felt too good. Jess was between her legs, hard against her thigh, and the sensation thrilled her. It felt as though her body was on fire.

For a while neither said anything and kissed heavily. Jess slid Rory's shirt off and kissed her chest, making her moan, and she slid his off as well, feeling his bare chest.

"Jesus, Rory," Jess said, panting. They had never gone this far before. "You're so beautiful."

"You're not so bad yourself," smiled Rory, reaching for him again, and he caught her hand.

"Do you want to stop?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

Rory answered that with a kiss and Jess quickly stopped talking. Her bra went and Rory gasped as he felt and kissed her breasts. It was all happening too fast, they had never done this before, yet it felt wonderful. Rory still sat up in spite of herself as he felt for the zipper on her pants.

"What is it?" asked Jess, looking up at her. "Do you want to slow down?"

"No," Rory said, and she undid them for him. "I'm just a little nervous."

"Sure?" asked Jess and Rory nodded, feeling cold suddenly. Jess started taking off his jeans and Rory looked away, embarrassed suddenly, and concentrated on taking off her jeans. She wished she'd worn better underwear.

Jess was kissing her again and Rory felt good again, moving her hips against his, and Jess moaned and buried his face in her neck.

"God, I want you."

"I want you too."

"Let's not stop," Jess said, running his hands over her body. "Please."

"Okay," Rory said quietly, and then more loudly, "Okay."

"Do you really want to?"

Rory nodded, trying to seem sure and Jess said,

"I need a condom."

"Here," Rory said, slipping out of bed and going to her desk drawer and he laughed as he took it.

"You kept them there?"

"Don't tease me," Rory said, annoyed and he kissed her.

"I wasn't."

Rory looked away as he put it on and moved back under the covers. He lay down with her and started kissing her again and Rory gasped as he slid her fingers in her.

"Did it hurt?" Jess asked, concerned.

"No," said Rory truthfully. "I just wasn't expecting it."

"Do you still want to?" Jess asked and Rory nodded, kissing him again.

"Okay," Jess said and then he was going into her, slowly, and then he was in, a sharp pain and Rory let out a silent shriek as there was a painful thrust and it felt like she was being cut in two, part of her she'd never realised she'd had.

"Are you okay? Did it hurt?"

"A little," Rory said, and he moved out of her. "A lot."

"Sorry."

"It's okay," Rory said. "I knew it would."

She hadn't realised how much, she added silently, and hugged the covers around her. The romantic atmosphere had gone. He lay down next to her and neither said a word.

"Rory?" Jess asked awkwardly. "Say something."

"I feel weird."

"Weird bad?"

"I don't know."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Rory said automatically, and she slid her legs out of bed. "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Okay," Jess said and Rory was suddenly shy. He noticed and looked away and Rory quickly threw on her bathrobe and went upstairs. There was a little blood but not as much as she had expected. Rory stared at herself in the mirror. She would never be a virgin again yet she didn't feel any different than she had an hour before.

Jess was sitting up when she got back and Rory tried to smile as she got back into bed with him.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jess asked, moving over and Rory lay next to him.

"Yeah, why?"

"You seem sad."

"I'm fine," Rory said, lying into the crook of his arms. "Just feel strange, I guess. It was my first time."

"Mine too, sorta," Jess said, and Rory punched him gently.

"Liar!"

"It was my first time with a virgin."

"Oh."

Rory wanted to ask how she had been but felt embarrassed and knew he would lie if he'd said she'd been good. He started tracing his fingers over her shoulders.

"You're so gorgeous."

Rory blushed and hugged the covers to her breasts. She didn't feel confident like she had before and Jess exclaimed,

"Rory, you're embarrassed? We just had sex!"

"I can't help it," Rory said in frustration. "I'm sorry I'm not Miss Experienced!"

"Hey, I didn't mean -"

The phone started to ring and Rory's eyes widened.

"Mom!"

"What?" asked Jess but Rory was already scrambling for the phone, her robe fluttering around her.

"Mom?" Rory asked, picking the phone up with one hand and holding the robe shut with the other.

"How'd you know it was me?"

"I just did."

"Well, the flood was somewhere between Noah's and the puddle. It's cleaned up now. Anyway, I was just calling to see if you were home. I thought you might be at Lane's. I'll be home in twenty."

"Sounds great," Rory said, heart thumping, and her mother said,

"See you, sweets."

"What?" Jess asked as Rory flew back into the room. "Who was it?"

"My mom. She's on her way home."

Jess cursed and started to get his clothes on.

"Couldn't you have put her off?"

"By saying what?" Rory asked in frustration and Jess said,

"I don't know. Rory, are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be?" asked Rory, looking up and Jess said,

"You're being really quiet and you didn't want to be with me in bed."

"I did."

"You seemed uncomfortable."

Rory shrugged and wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Did you really want to?"

Rory looked at Jess.

"Of course I did. It just wasn't like I thought it would be."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know," Rory said, feeling tearful. "Better."

Jess looked awkward.

"The first time's never great."

"I guess," Rory said miserably and Jess came over and kissed her.

"It'll be better next time."

Rory nodded and pushed him away.

"Your mom," Jess said, nodding, and Rory walked with him to the door.

"I'll call," he said and Rory nodded. It was only until he had gone around the corner that Rory realised that she hadn't asked when and he hadn't told her.

Rory took a shower, washing him away and didn't know what she was feeling. It hadn't been how she had planned. She had bought special underwear and had planned to wear perfume, looking and smelling beautiful, and it had been in her old, faded bra and panties and her only perfume the smell of takeout. It had started so well but neither of them had known what to say and it had been so unromantic, so awkward, not how she had imagined at all.

"I'm home!"

Rory came out and smiled at her mother.

"That was hideous," Lorelai groaned, sighing dramatically. "I need at least four martinis."

"Or a soda?"

"Sure," Lorelai said and she looked at Rory as she made it for her. "Everything okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"You look sad."

"I'm fine."

"Did you go to Lane's?"

"She wasn't home. I watched videos," Rory lied. "So tell me. Did the animals go in two by two?"

"Oh – you wouldn't believe! Sit!"

Rory sat and made conversation with her mother, acting normal and laughing at the story of Michel's ruined suit but when she was in bed she cried without knowing why.


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks everyone for the generous feedback, it means a lot, especially as I found that chapter hard to write. As much as I love Rory and Jess, I think their relationship is flawed in the third series due to their age and Jess's problems, not helped by the fact that they have trouble communicating at times. There will be a couple of chapters prior to the party and then two or three afterwards before it moves to the future. I included more Season Three than I initially intended but hope it helps the story rather than holds it back.

The next few days were strange. Jess didn't call Rory and Rory didn't call Jess, though she would at times pick up the phone and start to dial before chickening out. Lorelai noticed her daughter beginning to make excuses not to go to Luke's and, frowning, she sat down with her at the table where Rory was studying, or pretending to at least.

"What's up?"

"What do you mean?"

Rory wouldn't look up and stared even more fervently at her text book on Hemingway.

"Did you and Jess have a fight or something?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The fact that you have got oddly attached to the phone lately, leap whenever it rings and visibly wilt when it isn't you-know-who."

"You-Know-Who? I'm dating Voldemort?"

"Rory, I –" her mother paused and couldn't help giggling. "He is to me."

"Mom!"

"Sweetheart, you know who I mean," Lorelai said, serious again. "Has something happened?"

Before Rory could answer the phone rang. Snapping her head up, she sent the chair flying as she jumped up shouting,

"I'll get it!"

"Bet it's a Death Eater," Lorelai mumbled, picking up a magazine. Rory ignored her and excitedly said,

"Hello?"

"Rory? Can you come over?"

"Hi Lane," said Rory, trying not to sound disappointed. "What's up?"

"Can you come over?"

"Sure."

"Definite droopage," Lorelai commented as Rory grabbed her house key. "Heading to Lane's?"

"It's rude to listen to my conversations," Rory said waspishly and ignored her mother's call of,

"If Voldemort's calling I want to know!"

Rory kicked at the pavement as she walked to her friend's. She wanted to talk to her mother about what had happened so much, but whenever she tried something stopped her. She felt embarrassed and confused and felt like talking about it would make that worse, as well as the added stress of stopping Lorelai from going after her boyfriend. She sighed and walked into the Kim's, ducking under a rocking-chair.

"Lane upstairs!"

Rory jumped and cracked her head on the rocker.

"No good you wincing," Mrs Kim said sternly and Rory rubbed her head. "Flaxseed will help with that!"

"Thanks Mrs Kim," Rory said, trying not to sound as though she were in definite pain. "I'm going to see Lane."

"I go in the kitchen," Mrs Kim said threateningly and Rory ran up the stairs, knocking on her friend's door.

"I'm reading Matthew, Mama!" came a panicked voice and Rory pushed open the door to find her friend clearly hiding something under the bedspread with a Bible open in front of her.

"It's me. What are you hiding?"

"Shh!" hissed Lane, and got up, pulling out a pile of CDs from where she had been sitting.

"That must have been painful to sit on. Oh cool, Velvet Underground!"

"You develop a tough butt after growing up in the Lane household. I'm trying to get the guys to play it but they're not on board. They don't think it's _rocking_ enough."

Lane's voice oozed with contempt and Rory grinned.

"What about Zach's deep attachment to The Offspring?"

"He says they rock in a different way."

"Awesome argument," said Rory sarcastically, sitting on the bed as Lane replaced the CDs. "What's up?"

Lane looked awkward.

"Two things."

"Okay," said Rory, trying not to sound self-conscious. "What?"

"Firstly about the party at Kyle's. Secondly about you."

"Me?"

"You've been weird this week," Lane said and Rory looked down.

"Not you too."

"What do you mean? You've barely spoken to me on the phone, you don't want to go out and you automatically change the subject whenever Jess comes up."

"Yeah," said Rory, not looking up and Lane asked,

"Have you broken up or something?"

"No," sighed Rory. "We didn't break up."

There was a pause and before she could lose her nerve Rory said,

"We slept together."

"What?" shrieked Lane. "You _slept_ together?!"

"Lane!" hissed Rory. "Remember whose house we are in!"

"Right," winced Lane. "Sorry. You...you actually did?"

Rory nodded and Lane gasped loudly.

"You're pregnant! That's why you've been weird lately!"

"Lane!"

"Does Jess know? What are you going to do? What did Lorelai say? Have you told her?"

"Lane!" Rory said sharply. "I am not pregnant!"

"Oh," said Lane awkwardly and then she stared at Rory. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Rory hugged a cushion to herself.

"I don't know. I just couldn't."

"Well, when?"

"Tuesday."

"Tuesday?!" Lane exclaimed. "I'm your best friend, Rory! We promised that we'd tell each other when we did it for the first time back when we were thirteen – not that we ever thought_ I_ would," she added, sounding slightly exasperated.

"Lane, I'm sorry," Rory said, finally looking up. "I really am, I wanted to, it's just...it's been weird. I haven't even told Mom."

"Weird how?" frowned Lane. "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

"Yes, I'm sure," Rory sighed. "It just...Jess hasn't called. Not once. And it wasn't like how I thought it would be."

"He hasn't called you at all?" Lane asked. "Why not?"

"I don't know! That's just it!"

"Have you called him?"

"No," said Rory miserably. "I tried and didn't have the courage."

"You shouldn't have to," Lane said. "How was it? Was it as good as they make out it is in movies?"

"No," said Rory honestly, trying not to cry. "It started off good...before we did anything. When we actually did it it hurt and then afterwards we didn't know what to say."

"You didn't know what to say? What did you do? Did you cuddle?"

"No," said Rory, wishing Lane would stop with the questions. "We just lay there awkwardly and didn't say much and then he went because Mom was coming home. He said he'd call."

"And you haven't told Lorelai? Why not?"

"I don't know!" Rory snapped and Lane looked shocked. "I don't know! I don't know why I can't tell her and why it was all weird and why he hasn't called. I wish I did know. That way I could stop feeling like such an idiot."

Rory tried not to cry and Lane put her arm around her.

"I'm sorry, Rory. I'm the one who's an idiot."

"You're not," hiccupped Rory and Lane said,

"I blame my mom for lack of social skills."

"No," Rory said, wiping her eyes. "It's probably good to talk about it."

"You should talk to your mom," Lane said gently and Rory nodded. "And then she can go and kill Jess."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Rory said and Lane added,

"Or I'll do it for her. I don't know where he is – he hasn't been in school all week or anything."

"He must have," said Rory stubbornly and Lane shrugged.

"Maybe. I'll keep an eye out."

"Thanks," said Rory, and got a CD out again. "So, playlist for the party?"

"Yeah. I wanted you to help me pick it out. You know, I can never sing _Like a Virgin _to you again."

"I don't think that's such a bad thing."

"Will you be there?" Lane asked. "At the party?"

"Of course I will," Rory said, and silently wondered if she would go alone.

Rory walked past the diner on the way home and glanced in but Jess was nowhere to be seen. As she peered in Luke caught her eye and before he could ask anything Rory turned and ran home as fast as she could.

Rory heard the shower running when she got back and, heart beating, she checked the machine. There were no messages and Rory walked slowly to the fridge to get a soda, trying to stop the tears pricking at her eyes.

Feet thudded down the stairs and Lorelai burst into the kitchen, her hair still damp at the edges.

"Have you seen my keys?"

"Here, Rory said, picking them up and handing them to her. "What's the rush?"

"Impromptu meeting with insurers. I don't know long it'll take but I might go out with Sookie afterwards."

"Okay," Rory said quietly and her mother looked up at her.

"Is everything okay, Rory? Death Eater didn't get you on the way home? Dementor?"

Rory tried to smile at her mother's joke but failed. Lorelai frowned.

"Do you want me to come back early instead? I don't have to go out with Sookie."

"No," Rory said, trying to smile and losing her courage. "I'm fine, it's just all this finals stress. Go and have fun."

"I don't know if that's the word," Lorelai said, leaning over and giving her a quick kiss. "Don't study too hard."

"I won't," Rory said and, as her mother left the house, she opened her book, and she wished it was all she had to worry about.


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks for the feedback!

Chilton was buzzing and at breaking point, packed with seniors getting ready to go, the halls humming with talks of college and summer and graduation but Rory didn't take part in any of the excitement. She stood against the wall watching Paris boxing yearbooks and barking orders, the only other person not to join in, and considered slipping away as Paris reduced Brad to tears over signing a book on the wrong page. Rory didn't know if she should be concerned that out of all the people at Chilton Paris Gellar was the only one she could talk to.

"Gilmore!" shouted Paris suddenly, making Rory jump. "Get over here right now and quit making friends with the wall."

Rory dutifully walked over, keeping a little distance between them. Paris thrust a box of books into Rory's arms, making her stagger, and without looking up said,

"They need to be stored in the library."

"Okay," Rory said, hesitating, and Paris snapped,

"I can't hear footsteps."

"Paris," Rory said slowly. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"It had better not be about hair slides at graduation or I swear –"

"Paris, it's _me_," Rory said and Paris finally looked up.

"Is it Madeline or Louise asking about hair slides at graduation?"

"Paris, I really need to talk to you."

"Fine," Paris said, picking up her own box. "Talk and walk."

"I can't talk and walk," Rory said, following Paris out of the hall. "It's private."

"Follow me and don't look back because I'm not turning around," Paris said after a pause and Rory opened her mouth to say something and then closed it, trying to keep up with Paris's alarmingly fast pace and nearly tripping over someone's stray backpack strap.

"Here," Paris said eventually. They were at the back entrance of the library, where Rory had never gone in all her time at Chilton. Paris put her box down and sat on it and Rory followed suit. There was a musty smell and the sound of a pigeon outside and the space where they sat was cramped and dark. Rory could just imagine a bat flying out.

"What is it?" Paris asked briskly. "I've got five minutes and it starts now."

Rory opened her mouth and then blushed, staring at her hands.

"Didn't I say you had five minutes?" Paris said impatiently. "Are you going to spend all of them making like a mime?"

"Fine," Rory snapped. "I don't know why I tried to talk to you anyway."

"Fine," Paris said, but neither moved. Rory sighed.

"Paris," she said nervously. "What was it like when you slept with Jamie?"

Paris looked at her, confused.

"What was it like? I told you, didn't I?"

"No, I mean, what was it_ like_? How did it feel?"

"Oh boy," Paris said. "Is this like run-time advice or something? Do you want to get cosy with the lost member of the Dead Poets' Society? If you have to know, it was sore but oddly pleasant afterwards. Get a stack of condoms ready. Lube couldn't hurt either," she added hastily and Rory groaned.

"Paris! I don't need advice. Not about that. I...I already did it. I had sex with Jess."

Paris stared at her and Rory hastily looked away.

"Wow," she said. "I guess you won't be packing that chastity belt after all."

"Paris!"

"What is it?" Paris asked. "You're not knocked up, are you? You didn't buy into that myth of not getting pregnant the first time round?"

"Paris, do you really think I'd believe that?"

"Have you got some kind of STI?" Paris asked, moving on. "Because I'm not a doctor yet but I'm sure I could easily diagnose you. What is it? Itching? Pee burn? Pubic lice?"

"Paris!" Rory exclaimed, bright red. "Would you just shut up?"

Paris bit her lip and folded her arms, shifting her legs on the box. Rory felt horrible.

"Paris, I'm sorry," she said. "It's just...it's just..."

"What?" Paris asked and Rory said,

"What was Jamie like afterwards?"

Paris smiled and looked far away for a moment.

"He was great," she said. "He was wonderful. He held me all evening and kept asking how I was and then when he finally went home he called me and talked to me until I actually fell asleep on the phone. He called me every night for a month and he wouldn't stop telling me he loved me. He was perfect, Rory. Rory?"

Rory had stopped listening at some point and she sat with her face in her hands, tears falling down her cheeks and dripping onto the floor.

"What is it?" Paris asked nervously. "What's wrong?"

Rory tried to speak and could only sob. Paris inched over and draped an awkward arm around her.

"I don't know how to look after crying people," she said honestly. "Can you say something?"

"It's just," Rory sobbed. "I thought he really loved me."

"Oh, jeez," Paris said, closing her eyes. "Isn't Dear Abby better for this?"

Rory could only cry and Paris nervously took her hand.

"What did he do?"

"It's what he didn't do," Rory sobbed. "He asked me if I was okay and everything but when he left we didn't even kiss and he just said he'd call, and he hasn't."

"And coition happened...?"

"Tuesday," sobbed Rory. "Three days ago."

"Why haven't you called him?"

"I can't," Rory cried. "Why hasn't he called?"

"I don't know," Paris said quietly and then stared as Rory laid her head on her shoulder.

"I haven't even told my mom," she wailed. "And you've met my mom, you know she's cool. I can talk to her about everything so why can't I talk to her about this? I don't get it, Paris. It wasn't meant to happen this way at all."

Paris awkwardly ran her hand over her friend's hair as Rory let out the last of her sobs and, with a hiccup, she sat up and rubbed her eyes.

"Here," Paris said, handing her a Kleenex and Rory wiped the last of her tears away and blew her nose.

"Thanks," she said quietly, suddenly embarrassed, and Paris said,

"No problem," sounding much the same way. Neither said anything for a while.

"Did you stroke my hair?" Rory asked eventually, sounding incredulous, and Paris went red.

"It's what they do on TV. I said I don't know how to look after crying people."

"I think you did a good job," Rory said honestly and Paris shrugged.

"We're meant to go to this party on Saturday," Rory said miserably. "I don't know if he'll even show up. Why do you think he isn't calling me?" she asked and Paris said,

"I don't know but I think you should call him."

"Yeah," Rory said quietly and Paris added,

"And Rory, if it's any consolation, sex does get better. _Much_ better."

Rory looked at her and started laughing. Paris looked offended for a moment and then started laughing herself.

"It does," she said, giggling, and gave her friend a hug. "Thanks, Paris."

"Anytime," she said, trying to not sound awkward and Rory released her. Paris let out a sigh of relief.

"So you and diner boy actually did it," she commented and Rory blushed. "I'm impressed."

"Do you think it should have been with someone else?" she asked, looking up and Paris remarked,

"I'd pick him over farmer boy."

"At least he would have called," Rory couldn't help saying and then she started giggling.

"What?"

"I can't believe you called Jess a member of the Dead Poets' Society. You know he doesn't even read poetry."

"He still goes in for all that angsty crap."

They walked in silence down the stairs and then Rory stopped, seeing the large clock in the hall.

"What?"

"You said five minutes," she said, turning to her friend. "And we were up there for half an hour."

Paris went red and said quietly,

"Well, you are my best friend after all."

Rory smiled and hugged her again, briefly and Paris snapped,

"What is this, Gilmore? Do you want to come over to my house next and braid my hair?"

"Well," teased Rory and Paris frowned at her in an alarming way. "Kidding! Paris, what about the year books?"

"I'll get Brad to move them," Paris said. "Is that it then? Have we got our after school movie moment out of the way?"

"Yeah," grinned Rory. "I'll let you go now."

Paris started to walk away and then stopped, smiling at Rory.

"Can you believe we both had sex?"

"No," Rory said. "I really can't."


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks for the feedback!

"You're going to the party early," Lorelai said the following evening, watching Rory get dressed.

"I'm helping the band set up and I do the cymbals."

"I see. Meeting Jess there?"

Rory nodded without looking up.

"You don't need a purse. You don't need your money, you don't need your ID."

"What about my house key?"

"You put your house key through the metal thingy on your belt. You won't lose your key unless you take off your belt and if you take off your belt I'm not sure I want you coming home."

"Brilliant!" Rory said, giving her mother a kiss. "See you later."

Rory bit her lip as she walked to Kyle's house. She wished she could stay home but knew she had to go, for Lane, and at every street corner she pictured Jess waiting, his hands in his pockets and the not-quite casual stare, but she was alone at every turn, unsure if that made her relieved or sad. She thought about what Paris had said, that she should call him and Rory made a deal with herself: if he didn't come she would call him tomorrow and find out what was going on. She sighed and knocked on the door.

It took a few hours for the party to properly begin. As Kyle listed several rules about dropping chips and keeping the house clean Lane stepped aside to where Rory was standing in the corner, flipping through a magazine.

"Jess didn't come?"

Rory shook her head without saying anything, her hair screening her face and Lane put her hand on her shoulder.

"I'll get it," she said gently. "If you want to go home. I won't mind."

Rory shook her hair out her face and gave Lane a smile.

"Of course I'm staying," she said. "As if I'd miss your first gig. I don't need Jess here."

"I know you don't need him here – you know what I meant. Are you sure you want to stay?"

"Positive – I'm your groupie, right?"

"Right," laughed Lane and they hugged before hearing a metal sound and lots of whooping, looking to see Kyle's cousins and a large keg of beer.

"Twenty-one!" they kept shouting. "Twenty-one!"

"Is that legal?" Lane frowned and Dave shrugged.

"He's twenty-one."

"What is that, beer?"

"No, a milk keg," Zach sneered. "Come on Lane, it's a party. What were you expecting, Tang?"

Lane bit her lip and started assembling her drum kit. Rory smiled at her.

"You're going to rock."

Lane nodded and Rory watched as the guys struggled to open the keg. It took a good half-hour but eventually they figured it out, just in time for the guests to arrive and Kyle to freak out about the carpet. Rory stared over the heads of the people coming on, looking for the familiar black hair, and jumped when Kyle said her name.

"Beer?" he asked, holding out a paper cup and Rory took it and had a sip before wrinkling her nose.

"Maybe later," she said and went to get a soft drink, if only to stop herself from waiting by the door all night.

A few hours later Rory was in line for the bathroom when she saw Dean and Lindsay walking by.

"Oh, hi guys!"

"Hey Rory," Dean said. "Isn't Jess with you?"

"He might come later," Rory said awkwardly. "So are you guys enjoying the band?"

"Yeah," Lindsay said. "I didn't recognise many of the songs though."

"She's not a music freak like you," chimed in Dean and Rory smiled.

"Well, we can't all be freaks. So what kind of music do you like?"

"Um, Michelle Branch," said Lindsay. "Matchbox Twenty."

Rory was not surprised and for a moment she was glad Jess wasn't there, knowing he would have made a rude comment.

"I like some of those bands too," she said and Lindsay nodded. Rory glanced over as the door opened and her heart leapt into her mouth as Jess came through the door.

"Sorry guys," Rory said, moving her way out of the queue. "I'll talk to you later."

Rory marched up to Jess who started to say,

"Rory –"

"Why haven't you called?" Rory hissed, trying not to be conspicuous. "Why the hell haven't you called?"

"Rory, can we talk somewhere else?" Jess asked, glancing round and Rory looked behind her to see Lindsay and Dean looking their way.

"Only because I want to talk in private too," Rory said and she marched up the stairs, brushing past people on it without bothering to apologise like she normally would. They went into what Rory assumed was Kyle's parents' bedroom, the bedcovers folded so tight a quarter could bounce off and shut the door. Rory folded her arms when Jess tried to take her hand.

"Why haven't you called me?" Rory asked, trying not to get upset. "What have I done?"

"It's not you Rory –"

"Oh, don't you dare use that line!" Rory shouted. "The it's not you it's me! Is that how you're breaking up with me?"

"Breaking up with you?" echoed Jess in confusion. "I don't want to break up with you."

"Maybe I want to break up with you," Rory said boldly. "Why haven't you called me? Why have you been ignoring me?"

Jess didn't say anything and Rory exclaimed,

"Oh, my God!" and turned to leave the room.

"Rory, wait," Jess said, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Please wait."

Rory wanted to shake it off and march away but somehow the tone of his voice stopped her.

"Five minutes," she said, wondering if Paris would be proud of her. "And if you use any bullshit excuse it's less."

"I'm sorry I haven't called," Jess said quietly. "I wanted to."

"So why didn't you?"

"I was...I didn't know what to say. I thought you were mad at me."

"Mad at you?" Rory asked, confusion blotting her anger for a moment. "Why did you think I'd be mad at you?"

"Because you were so quiet," Jess said. "After we had sex. It felt like you didn't want me there. You practically pushed me out of the house."

"I wasn't mad at you," Rory said. "I think it just got too much."

"Too much?"

"It happened so fast."

Neither said anything for a moment.

"Do you think we shouldn't have had sex?" Jess asked. "Was it me?"

"No," Rory said in frustration. "It wasn't you. It was...it was the whole thing. It wasn't how I planned it. It wasn't how I imagined it. It was awkward, we were awkward and I didn't know what I was doing..."

"You were amazing," Jess said and Rory shook her head.

"No I wasn't."

"Yes, you were," Jess said, taking her hands. "You were."

Rory let him hold her hands and asked,

"Why didn't you call?"

"I didn't know what to say," Jess said. "I wanted to call you. I thought that I would make it all worse. I thought you didn't want to see me."

"I always want to see you," Rory said, stepping close to him and he kissed her gently. Rory looked into his eyes as they pulled away.

"Is there something else wrong? You seem sad."

"Nothing," Jess said, but he didn't sound convincing and Rory stroked his cheek.

"Not getting tired of me, are you?"

Jess kissed her again and Rory smiled.

"That's a pretty good answer."

They kissed again, heavily, and moved over to the bed. Jess lay on top of her, between her legs and moved his hands over her.

"Jess," Rory said breathlessly. "Jess, wait."

Jess didn't answer and tried to undo her buckle and Rory sat up, pushing him away.

"No, Jess!"

"What?"

"Not here, not now! God, this is Kyle's mom's bedroom!"

"Fine!"

They stood apart, staring at each other and Rory felt lost again, the connection they'd made a moment before shattered.

"What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?"

"Someone could walk through that door, right now," Rory said and Jess snapped,

"And Santa Claus could come down the chimney."

"What did you think, Jess?" Rory demanded. "That because I had sex with you once we would have sex anywhere? God, we haven't even talked about it!"

"We just did!"

"Not really!" Rory shouted. "Not properly!"

"I'm sorry, okay?"

"You did not think we would have sex here."

"I don't know what to think anymore."

"Jess –"

"Rory, stop!" Jess shouted and Rory sucked in her breath. "Just stop, okay? I did not make you come up here, this was your idea, not mine! I didn't make you do anything!"

Rory looked at him and it was clear she was going to cry.

"I don't know what I did," she said, her voice breaking, and as she ran out of the door Jess groaned.

"You didn't do anything."

Rory hurtled down the stairs, pushing past the guests.

"Excuse me, sorry," she sobbed and found herself falling into Dean's arms.

"Rory? What is it, what's wrong?"

Rory couldn't speak and Dean looked up as Jess walked down after her. He took a look at them and simply said,

"Figures."

He walked past them and a snarl crossed Dean's face, and knowing what he was about to do, Rory ran after him, shouting his name, but it was too late. He had hit Jess hard around the face.

"Dean, stop!" Rory shouted as Jess hit him back and before she could step between them Dean was punching him, pushing him into a guest and spilling beer everywhere.

It was pandemonium. Everyone was shouting, screaming, trying to pull Dean and Jess apart and Rory felt helpless as they crashed into expensive furniture, ready to kill each other.

"Stop! Stop, guys, stop!"

Finally they fell onto the lawn and a wail of sirens filled the air.

"Cops," said Rick. Rory heard Kyle moan as the police walked into the house, breaking the party up, but Rory ignored them as she saw Jess walk away from the scene. He stopped, turned around, holding her gaze and for a moment they stood, silently, words hovering between them.

"Jess," Rory said and he stared at her before turning and walking away. Rory hesitated between following and in that moment the sound of retching reached her ears and she looked away.

"Lane!"

Rory bent down to help her and, as she got up less than a minute later, the street was bare, empty and desolate and he had gone.


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks for the great feedback! I'm so glad this story reads naturally and true to the characters – I was worried no one would read this! I'm excited to write about them as adults as well, just two more chapters until the future section!

Fran was gone. She had died and Rory was filled with guilt. Guilt that she hadn't said goodbye to her properly, guilt that she hadn't always listened to the old lady's long stories about her life and guilt that on the day of her death Rory's thoughts were more about how things had been left with her boyfriend – if he was still her boyfriend.

She and Lorelai walked to the church and Rory's feet slowed as they neared the diner and she caught sight of Jess through the window.

"Mom, can I meet you at the church? I just need to stop in at Doose's and get something – Kleeenex, we'll need Kleenex."

"Oh, honey, I'll come with you."

"Oh, well..." Rory started uncomfortably and they both looked up at the sound of someone crying and found Miss Patty sobbing on the bench.

"This is how it starts!" Patty wailed. "First Fran and now the rest of us!"

"Oh – Oh Patty," Lorelai said soothingly, going and sitting next to her. "It's okay."

As Miss Patty talked to her mother and Lorelai comforted her between sobs Rory made an excuse and hastily walked away, feeling a guilty sense of relief that Patty had been there, and wondered if that would be another thing she would go to hell for, feeling happy that Patty was grieving and giving her a chance to go Luke's. Maybe God had a check list.

Rory walked determinedly up to the diner, trying to ignore her nerves. She took a deep breath but as she reached the door she quailed and walked back down the street. Rory stopped, shook herself and turned back round. She wasn't going to wait for him to talk, like last time, she was going to do the talking but as she walked back and he caught her eye something tightened in Rory's chest and she turned round and marched back down the street, comforting herself with the thought that the funeral was going to start soon and she wouldn't have time for a real conversation. As she hurried back down the street Rory thought she heard the jingle of the bell which hung over Luke's door and the steps of feet but no one caught up with her, no one called her name and when Rory looked back round she was alone.

"Do you think that guy could try his microphone again?" Lorelai hissed and Rory rolled her eyes. At least she wasn't trying to make a business deal at Fran's funeral. Maybe that was worse in God's book. Maybe she only had one room booked in hell while Lorelai had an ensuite.

After the funeral Lorelai and Sookie ran off to the front of the procession, eager to talk about making an offer on Fran's inn and Rory hung back, thinking about what her mother had told her about Fran giving her cookies when they had first arrived to Stars Hollow and smiled a little to herself.

"Rory!"

Rory looked up to see Dean grinning at her. He looked very excited about something and was rocking back and forth slightly.

"I've got something to tell you."

"What?" Rory asked and frowned in confusion as he pulled her towards the trees, away from the crowd.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes, I'm ready."

"I've asked Lindsay to marry me!" Dean said proudly, sounding like a small boy who had won first prize at a party. "And she said yes!"

Rory blinked in disbelief.

"So what do you think?"

"Why?"Rory blurted out and Dean said,

"What?" in confusion.

"No, I don't mean why, I mean why now?"

"Why not now?"

"Well, you're eighteen, first of all."

"So?"

"So you're still young, you haven't been to college yet. Oh my God, you're still going to college aren't you?" Rory asked desperately. Dean looked at her with annoyance.

"Yes, Rory, I'm still going to college. Lindsay's going to go with me."

"But Dean you're going to be studying and taking classes and you need to focus on that and you still don't know what you want to do yet and you still haven't been going out for that long, why don't you just date for a while, dating's fun."

Dean stared at her and then scowled.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Your deep, heart-felt congratulations."

"You just...you took me b y surprise."

"So what? It's good news, you can't just be happy for me?"

"I can, I am, it's just..."

"You know what, I'm sorry if you have a crappy relationship with Jess."

"Hey –" Rory started angrily but Dean cut her off.

"And I'm sorry if he treats you like dirt and everyone hates him but that was your choice. I have a great girlfriend and I am really happy and when you dumped me for that jackass I never thought 'd feel happy again."

"Jess does not treat me like dirt," Rory said, her heart beating heavily.

"Whatever. I just wanted you to hear it from me before it got out. Now you know, so have a nice life."

Rory stared at him, feeling like she'd been punched. Dean began to stride away and she called,

"Jess does not treat me like dirt!" but it sounded weak, even to her. Rory took a deep breath and stared at the ground, hearing the sounds of her mother and Sookie celebrating in the distance. Rory felt too miserable to even think about how their ensuite in hell was being upgraded and she slowly stated to walk back.

The rest of the day was a blur. Rory couldn't smile, couldn't feel happy for her mother and then, when she thought about how she wasn't unhappy because of Fran's dying she felt even worse. She couldn't help it though. Dean was getting married – _her_ Dean. Rory knew he had stopped being her Dean a long time ago and it had been her choice, and she didn't want to be with him but it still hurt. It hurt to think that he was marrying another girl who he really hardly knew, when he was only eighteen, and that he mightn't even finish college, but none of it had hurt as much as the way he had sneered at her and told her Jess treated her like dirt. Rory wanted to think that he was wrong, that he knew nothing about them and was just saying it because he was angry but she couldn't help thinking of all the bad times, how Jess would stand her up or wouldn't call or the time he'd gone to her grandmother's and been so horribly rude. Was she stupid for being with him? If it was someone else in her place would she think it was a mistake? She'd always laughed at girls who just trotted after their boyfriends. But at the same time he was Jess, listening to her so intensely, writing notes in the margins, taking her to a concert on the spur of the moment, wrecking a snowman so hers would win. Did those things make up for the rest? Should she have slept with him? Would it be like that every time? Having sex and him not calling, just waiting for them to make up and then fight all over again? Rory bit her lip and tried to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Hey, c'mere."

Rory blinked and looked up to see a dress in a shop window. She'd been thinking so hard she hadn't even noticed it.

"Oh, I don't know."

"Just come back tomorrow and try it on."

"I don't know..." Rory sad doubtfully but her mother refused to give up that easily.

"Hey, prom's coming up kid and we need to get you a dress, unless you want me to make you one!"

"No, that's okay."

"Maybe we could hit the mall tomorrow, after school, in Hartford, and we could go to one of those fancy stores where they follow us around and think we're thieves –"

"I don't want to talk about dresses anymore."

"We only talked about dresses for two minutes."

"Well, it feels like longer!"

"Rory!"

Lorelai looked hurt but Rory didn't care.

"And I don't even know if I need a dress, okay, because I don't even know if I'm going to the prom."

"I thought Jess agreed?"

"Well, that was before."

"Before what?"

"Before the party, before the fight, before the thing in Kyle's bedroom!"

"Okay, come with me."

Lorelai led Rory to the jeep and they got in, Rory trying hard to keep it together.

"Okay, we left off with the thing in Kyle's bedroom?"

"I don't understand, one minute he's happy and then he's not and he doesn't tell me anything, ever, I mean, you're supposed to tell your girlfriend things ,that's the whole point of having a girlfriend, isn't?" Rory shouted and her mother nodded.

"Yes it is, now Kyle's bedroom, what happened there?"

"And I'm so tired of fighting, or not even fighting because he won't fight, he just gets mad and disappears and then comes back and I don't like how I feel and I don't like what I do."

"Like what you do where, in Kyle's bedroom?"

"I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to sit around wondering when we're going talk, if he's mad, why he's mad, I hate this, I really, really -!"

"Honey, you've got to tell Mommy what happened in Kyle's bedroom!"

Rory stopped and took a deep breath.

"We didn't go to the party together," she said. "I didn't even know if he'd show up after the thing the other day."

"What thing the other day?"

"And he showed up," Rory said, ignoring her mother's questions. "And he said he wanted to talk so we went upstairs and we talked and it seemed like he wanted to –"

"Did you?"

"No, I didn't! And then he got all weird like he was mad at me."

"Hey, if he was mad at you because you wouldn't have sex with him then he's a jerk."

"I know that but I don't know if that's why he's mad at me, if he's mad at me, I don't know anything because he won't talk, he just sulks, then disappears, then just when you think you're through with him he shows up at hockey games with Distillers tickets!"

"Distillers tickets?"

"Oh, that's right, you don't know about that because I didn't tell you because I was embarrassed because you didn't want me to be that girl and I didn't want to be that girl, but after that hockey game, I was that girl!"

"What girl? Help me, drag me along honey."

"The girl who lets her boyfriend treat her like dirt and then lies to her mom about it!"

"Okay, we need a breath here."

Lorelai leaned out of the window and shouted at the car indicating for their space.

"We're going to die in this car, pal!"

The car drove away and Rory sighed and folded her arms.

"Something's going on with him and it's been going on for a while."

"You can't make him talk, Rory. He has to want to."

"But why doesn't he want to?"

"Because it's probably hard for him."

"Honey."

"It's just so hard, Mom," Rory said in frustration. "He never talks and he won't call me, not even after we have sex –"

"Whoa!" Lorelai exclaimed and Rory stopped, going red. "What was that?"

"We slept together," Rory said and her mother stared at her.

"You had _sex_? When? Were you careful? Oh God, tell me you were careful."

"Last Tuesday," Rory said in a small voice. "When there was that flood at the inn."

Lorelai groaned and closed her eyes.

"I didn't plan on it," Rory said tightly. "Well, I did, but not that night, it just kind of happened–"

"Oh, God. Rory, you were careful, weren't you?"

"It was so awkward," Rory said, staring straight ahead and ignoring her mother's question. "It all just happened so fast, one minute were making out and then –"

"Rory, I am having a heart attack here! Tell me you were careful, tell me it was safe!"

"Yes, Mom, I was careful!" Rory snapped. "Don't worry, all those Trojan jokes you made over the years sunk in! That's not the problem here!"

Lorelai took a deep breath, trying to expel the feeling of panic.

"Well," she said. "That's the main thing."

Rory's face crumpled and Lorelai hastily said,

"Not that this isn't – I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean that the rest didn't matter. Are you okay?"

"I don't know if I'm okay!" Rory said furiously. "I never know if I'm okay because everything keeps changing, he keeps changing! I never know where I am with him!"

"Rory, did he talk you into it? You can tell me."

"No," Rory said, her eyes filling with tears. "He didn't talk me into it but it was just...I don't know. It was so awkward and it really hurt, why didn't you tell me it would hurt that much?"

"It depends on the person," Lorelai said, feeling a little in shock. "And I thought you were going to talk to me about it. I was going to talk about that stuff with you then."

Rory didn't say anything and Lorelai took her hand.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" she asked, unable to stop hurt coming out of her voice. "You promised to talk to me when it happened."

"I know," sniffled Rory. "I wanted to, Mom, I did, I was just embarrassed and I felt stupid."

"Why the hell would you feel that?"

"Because it didn't happen like I thought it would."

"How did it happen?" Lorelai asked gently and Rory snivelled, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

"I went out to see Lane but she wasn't home and I saw Jess on the way back. He came back to watch videos and we ended up having sex."

"How was it?" Lorelai asked tentatively.

"It was awful!" Rory cried. "It was fine before but when we actually did it it was so painful and then it was like we didn't have a clue how to talk to each other. It wasn't meant to be like that! It was supposed to be special, it was supposed to be perfect! It wasn't special, it wasn't romantic anymore and I was wearing the wrong underwear and I didn't know what I was doing and then you were coming home and he left and he said he would call and he didn't!"

Rory started crying and Lorelai tried very hard to stay cool. She had always told her daughter to come to her, to be open with her and never to feel ashamed but now she felt like repeatedly slamming Jess's head into the pavement, maybe letting a car run over it. Slowly.

"You're sure you were safe?" she couldn't help asking again and Rory shouted,

"Mom!"

"I'm sorry!" Lorelai exclaimed. "I don't know what to say!"

Rory started crying again.

"Do you think it was me?" she asked tearfully. "I didn't know what to say afterwards or what to do when we were...you know...and I had the wrong underwear on and it was all a mess."

"Honey," Lorelai said gently. "If you're with the right guy it won't matter what kind of underwear you're wearing because that's not important."

"I thought we made up," Rory sobbed. "At the party. He said he didn't call because he thought I didn't want to talk to him and he said he was sorry but then he seemed to want to have sex there, and I didn't, and it all got screwed up again."

"It's not your fault, sweetie. You know that, don't you?"

Rory nodded and Lorelai added,

"What did he think, that because you had sex once you'd do it anywhere?"

"That's what I said," Rory said. "And he didn't even give me a straight answer! I don't understand it Mom, I don't understand him! It hurts!"

"Oh, Rory."

"Everyone's just laughing me, aren't they?" Rory said, tears streaming down her face. "The stupid girl who follows her boyfriend everywhere and waits around for him even though he treats her like dirt!"

"Rory, no one thinks that about you. Where's this coming from?"

Rory shook her head and bit her lip and, foreseeing another bout of crying, Lorelai squeezed her hand.

"Come on, let's go home. This calls for serious amounts of icecream."

"Okay," Rory nodded and she looked at her mother. "You're not mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"For sleeping with him."

"Rory, there's nothing wrong with having sex with your boyfriend. You haven't done anything wrong, even if it feels like a mistake."

"It's all so messed up," Rory said, staring out of the window and Lorelai gave her a kiss before starting the car up.

"I know, sweets. I know."

The next morning Rory took a late bus to Hartford. The bus was busy that time of day and Rory sat near the front, glad she had got a seat. The bus stopped, letting people off and Rory glanced up from her book before stopping in surprise as she saw Jess sitting at the very back. He looked up and saw her as well and for a moment they just stared until Rory finally got up and walked to the back.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Can I sit?" Rory asked and Jess nodded.

"Sure, sit."

Rory settled down next to him and wondered who felt more awkward.

"I thought you took an earlier bus," Jess said curiously.

"My first class got cancelled today."

"Oh. So what's been going on?"

"Nothing much. Fran died."

"I heard. Luke went."

"I saw him in the back."

Jess nodded and there was an awkward silence, finally broken by Jess slowly saying,

"I can't go to the prom...I couldn't get tickets..."

"Oh."

Rory didn't know what else to say. She tried not to let her disappointment sound too much and bit her lip.

"Sorry."

Rory nodded. She couldn't talk. Neither said anything until the bus groaned to a halt, allowing Rory to get up.

"So...this is my stop. You'll call me?" she asked, swinging her backpack over her shoulder.

"I'll call you."

Rory nodded and looked behind her once more before getting off the bus. He watched her until she got off and as Rory walked to Chilton she thought about how it was all ruined. The only thing she had been looking forward to, the thing she and Lane had planned since they had started at Stars Hollow High and he had let her down, again. Rory supposed she shouldn't be surprised. Rory was so busy thinking about her ruined prom, ruined memories that not once did she think it was strange that Jess was riding a bus to Hartford and had not told her why he was going.


	11. Chapter 11

This is the last of the Season Three chapters.

Lorelai stared in disbelief at her daughter's study notes.

"What's this?"

"I found that if I focus too much on one subject I start to get a little punchy," Rory explained. "This way, when I hit Bolshevik Revolution overload I just shift over here and oh,hello, Anne Boleyn is going down and when that gets too depressing it's right over here to calculus."

"Saving the party subject for last, huh?" Lorelai teased.

"The shifting back and forth seems to produce better results."

"I think you're pushing yourself too hard," Lorelai said seriously and Rory shook her head.

"I made a schedule. Every single moment of every single day is accounted for."

As she and Lorelai argued over getting sleep, time to chill out and making speeches Lorelai glanced up and saw Luke gesturing wildly and scraped her chair back.

"I'm going to get the paper."

Rory nodded without looking up. Lorelai quietly closed the door before grabbing Luke's hand and marching him away from the house.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"We're going to the diner," Lorelai said through clenched teeth, not stopping to wonder why Luke had shown up at her house. "To have a chat with your nephew."

"He's not there," Luke said, looking like he was going to say something else but Lorelai stopped him.

"Well, where is he?" she shouted. "I'm going to kill him!"

"I don't know, that's why – why do you want to kill him?"

"He used Rory!" Lorelai exclaimed. "Just like I knew he would!"

"What are you talking about? What do you mean, he_ used_ Rory?"

"What do you think I mean?" Lorelai snapped and Luke's eyed widened.

"They slept together?"

"That's right!" Lorelai yelled, starting to walk again. "And now he hasn't called her and got mad at her for not doing it again and I have a devastated kid at home!"

"What?"

"That bastard," Lorelai seethed. "That punk. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to rip his parts off."

"Lorelai!"

"Don't you dare defend him," Lorelai said furiously. "I knew this would happen, I just knew it. He'd get her to sleep with him and then once he got what he wanted he'd just ignore her until the next time and the next time, and the next time and every time until he gets bored of her!"

"Lorelai, stop!"

"I won't stop!" Lorelai shouted. "I tried to give that kid a chance, I tried to see a good side to him and you know, even if I didn't like him I thought at least he liked Rory. I tried not to freak out, I let them be together and now this has happened, Rory is crying her eyes out and he's...I don't know where he is but he's not with her. Where is he?"

Luke looked uncomfortable.

"You had better tell me," Lorelai said dangerously. "No one takes advantage of my kid."

"Well, that's kind of why I'm here," Luke said slowly. "Jess is gone."

Lorelai stopped, her tirade cut short and she stared at him.

"What do you mean gone, like _gone_ gone?"

"Exactly like gone gone."

Lorelai couldn't believe what she was hearing and took a deep breath.

"But when?"

"Last night, this morning, I don't know. I went up there this morning to get some money from the safe and all his stuff was gone."

"Oh Luke, I'm so sorry," Lorelai said.

"Yeah, well, forget it, I'm through with him. He's eighteen he can do whatever the hell he wants. He's on his own, I'm through."

"Luke."

Lorelai looked at him, knowing he didn't mean it but Luke wouldn't fold.

"No, it's a relief, that kid was driving me crazy. Let him make his own way from now on, let him see how far that smart mouth of his gets him without someone watching his back. I couldn't be more relieved, I'm just worried about Rory, I assume she doesn't know."

"She hasn't said anything."

"I can tell her if you want me to."

"No, it's okay, I'll do it, I just have to figure out when. She's got a lot of things on her mind right now."

"Well, don't wait too long, she'll notice eventually."

"Right," Lorelai said miserably. "Oh God, she's going to be crushed. I really am sorry, Luke. I know you probably don't believe me what with my whole rip off his parts speech but I am sorry. I didn't want that to happen."

"Yeah, well. I'm not all surprised."

Lorelai could see the sadness in his eyes, under the tough exterior and wished she could hug him but knew it wasn't best just then.

"If you need anything..."

"I'll be fine," Luke said, and he turned to go. "I need to get back to the diner."

"Yeah," Lorelai said softly. "I'll have to deal with Rory."

As Lorelai walked back into the house she stopped the doorway, looking through the window. Rory was bent over her books, pen in mouth and pencil in hand with the frown of concentration she had had ever since she was old enough to read and Lorelai smiled. She knew it had to be done but she couldn't at that moment, couldn't break her daughter's heart, and she walked back into the kitchen and made coffee for them both.

That night mother and daughter went to Souplantation and, filled to bursting with food, drove home late, Lorelai unable to stop praising the room of food and rainbow sprinkles.

"We are going back with Tupperware," she said firmly and slowed as they approached the light.

"It's turning yellow!" Rory exclaimed and her mother groaned.

"Ah, shoot."

"Gun it!"

"I can't."

"Mom, we have to get home."

"Rory, I already have two tickets, I cannot get another."

"Oh, I can't believe you stopped!" Rory wailed.

"You wanted me to go?"

"There's no one around."

"Now no one's around but the second I run that red light a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian Mounties and a crew of cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast."

"Paranoid."

"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend."

"Alright, I guess we wait."

Rory folded her arms and glanced out of the window. Luke was sweeping in front of the diner.

"Do you think Luke will know we went to Souplantation?"

"Not unless you tell him."

"Maybe he'll be able to tell. There'll be a glow."

"An all-you-can-eat glow!"

"He'll see the glow and know we cheated and won't give us free fries again."

Luke looked up and saw her and Lorelai and, eyes widening, he dropped the broom and ran into the diner as fast as he could. Rory frowned.

"Mom, why did Luke just bolt away from us?"

"Maybe he saw the glow!" Lorelai said with an uneasy laugh and Rory looked at her seriously.

"Mom."

Lorelai sighed ad closed her eyes.

"Okay, first of all, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I just thought with all the stuff you were dong maybe I should wait."

"What's going on?"

"Jess is gone."

Rory tried to sound normal.

"Gone where?"

"I don't know. Luke knows but he didn't tell me, but he doesn't seem to think he's coming back."

"Neither do I," Rory said truthfully and her mother's heart broke for her.

"Are you okay?"

Rory shook her head and nodded, trying not to break into tears.

"Yeah."

They sat in silence as the light refused to change.

"Ugh, forget this," Lorelai said, putting her foot down, and as they tore through the red light a police car sped behind them.

In the years to come Rory remembered the time leading to her graduation as a confused rush. Every second of each day she was doing something, two, three things at once, going to dinners, writing a speech as Valedictorian, fixing finance for Yale so her mother could buy her inn but what she remembered most clearly was the feeling of disconnect. She poured her heart and soul into all that she was doing and she never took a break yet somehow it was as though she wasn't really there, always wondering at the back of mind where Jess was, where he had gone, why he had gone and if she would see him again. She tried hard not to think about it but it was like a constant ache that she could not ignore and she lay awake at night wondering if he had really cared about her. Rory knew deep down that he had yet somehow that made it worse, made her wonder more about why had left and hadn't talked to her, always kept her at arm's length and had never let her in.

Finally it was the day of graduation. Rory could barely believe it as she put on her robes and got ready for the ceremony, knowing it was her last day ever at Chilton. She made her speech. She made her mother cry, everyone cry, even Luke, and Rory almost felt like crying herself, unable to believe it was all over, done, she had made it and made her success. It should have been a perfect day and yet, after she had hugged Paris, Rory could not help staring around the crowds, wondering if he had come after all, snuck into the back. He hadn't. Rory was unsurprised and disappointed all at once.

After the ceremony she walked around the courtyard, hugging more people than she could count, feeling as though she was in a haze. Her phone went off but when Rory answered it there was no one there. Her mother frowned.

"Youve been getting a lot of those lately."

Her cellphone rang again and, as always she answered and no one replied. Rory felt a sudden rush of anger.

"Just a minute."

She marched back into the building, not closing her phone.

"Jess? Is that you?"

There was no answer but Rory was unperturbed.

"I'm pretty sure it's you and I'm pretty sure you've been calling and not saying anything but want to say something. Hello? You're not going to talk? Fine, I'll talk. You didn't handle things right at all, and I don't mean just the sex thing. You could have talked to me, you could have told me you were having trouble in school and weren't going to graduate and that your dad had been there but you didn't ad you ended up not taking me to my prom and not coming to my graduation and leaving again, without saying goodbye, again, and that's fine, I get it, but that's it from me. I'm going to Europe tomorrow and I'm going to Yale and I'm moving on and I'm not going to pine, I hope you didn't think I was going to pine, okay. I think I may have loved you but I...I just need to let it go."

Rory felt a wave of tears but swallowed them, refusing to let herself cry. Jess didn't say anything but Rory knew he was there. She took a deep breath.

"So...that's it, I guess. I hope you're good, I want you to be good and um, so, goodbye. That word sounds really lame and stupid right now but there it is. Goodbye."

She hung up, put the phone away and took a deep breath as her mother came into the building.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Loreai saw that her daughter was upset.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Rory lied and was confused at her mother's smile.

"Come on," Lorelai said, grabbing her hand.

"What?" Rory asked and allowed her mother to take her around the school for one last time, laughing as she tried to insist on marking their names, so much more teenage than she in those ways.

"Look," Lorelai said. " It's not so scary anymore."

Rory took a last look at Chilton, the school that had terrified her so much when she had first come just a few short years ago. Now it seemed tame, smaller and strangely comforting, a feeling Rory never thought she would associate with gargoyle adorned building.

"No," Rory said in satisfaction. "It's not."

She took her mother's hand, they left the school and stepped into the dazzling sun. It was time to start the rest of her life.


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you for the reviews – you are all very kind! I personally find Jess a little unlikeable in the early seasons and think he treats Rory pretty badly, but I loved him when he came back as an adult, and always thought they had a special connection. I am very fond of Rory but obviously she made mistakes too. In a lot of fics I've read people write that if Rory and Jess had had sex it would have solved their problems but I don't think that is true to their characters – I find it believable that they would have had sex and surprised it didn't happen on the show but not that it would have solved anything, as I think neither of them knew how to really communicate with each other in Season Three. Anyway, sorry for the monologue and thanks again for all the lovely comments!

It was a freezing evening. It had been a freezing morning, freezing day and was setting into an even icier night. Rory shivered and clutched her cup of coffee, her mother's words echoing in her mind.

_Luke saw Jess the other day...that reminds me, he got his new number, if you want it?_

_Why would I?_

_I don't know, if you ever want to catch up...I remember you said you talked a few years back..._

Rory had snatched the piece of paper and stuffed it in her pocket. She had planned on throwing it out and then, after realising that she couldn't, tried forgetting about it, but now it burnt a hole in her jeans and hesitantly she walked over to the chair where they lay and unfolded it, the digits crumpled but clear.

Rory picked up her phone, put it back down, picked it up and then, before she could change her mind, furiously dialled all the numbers as quickly as she could. The phone began to ring and before Rory could lose courage and hang up a curious voice said,

"Hello?"

Rory paused. Now that she had called she didn't know what to say.

"Hello?" Jess sounded annoyed now. "If this is one of those telemarketers, I swear to God –"

"Jess. It's me."

A pause from him and then, disbelieving,

"Rory?"

"Yep."

Rory sat down at her desk. She wished she had an old-fashioned phone so she could twirl the cord around her fingers. It was always something to do with an awkward phone call.

"Rory?" Jess said again. "How come you're calling? How'd you get my number?"

"Lorelai. She saw Luke."

"Figures."

Neither said anything. Rory picked up a pencil and started doodling on her notepad. It was a good substitute for the phone cord.

"Rory," Jess said again. "How come you're calling?"

"I just...it's been so long since we talked."

"Yeah," Jess said and they both paused, remembering Rory's trip to his bookstore all those years ago. "Must have been a few years now."

"Six."

"Huh. How'd that happen?"

"I have no idea." Rory let out a nervous giggle. "Scary to think we're getting near thirty."

"Don't let Luke hear you say that."

"So, what are you up to right now?" Jess asked. "Last time I saw you you were digging that whole prep thing."

Rory winced.

"That wasn't the best time in my life."

"So...what are you up to these days?"

"I graduated Yale," Rory said. "I worked on the Obama campaigns, did some overseas work."

"Luke mentioned that," Jess said. "Good for you."

There was no trace of sarcasm and Rory smiled.

"I think you woke me up a bit. You know, when I dropped out."

"You made it happen."

"I guess," Rory agreed. "Either way, I'm glad I went back."

"You were made to go there."

"That's what Mom says."

"What anyone with a brain would say," Jess said and Rory blushed. "So what are you doing now?"

"I worked on the campaign for Obama's second term. Things have slowed down a little, I guess – I live in New York."

"New York?" asked Jess, a trace of amusement in his voice, and Rory couldn't help grinning, remembering her trip there as a small-town girl.

"I work on a paper there. I feel less of a tourist. I have an apartment here but I go home most weekends to Mom."

"What happened to that jerk you were with?"

"Logan was not a jerk," said Rory hotly and Jess snorted. "He was not!"

"He was from where I was standing. What happened to him, anyway?"

"We broke up at graduation," Rory said angrily. "And I haven't seen him since."

"Good."

"Jess!"

"The guy was a jerk!" Jess exclaimed. "He was the most whiny, self-righteous moron I've ever had the misfortune to meet and I still don't understand why you wasted your time with him."

"You have no right to judge Logan," snapped Rory. "You only met him once."

"Once was enough. He was a piece of work. One of those wealthy jerks who acts everyone else should take responsibility for their screw-ups."

"Oh, that's rich coming from you," said Rory furiously. "You had that Holden Caulfiield act down to a T when I was with you."

"Rory!"

"Jess, you were this close to calling everyone in Stars Hollow a phoney. In fact, I think you did."

"Rory! I know I did but I was a kid. Jesus, that guy was a jerk, and the way he treated you –"

"The way he treated me?" said Rory incredulously. "This coming from Jess Mariano."

"Rory –"

"Do you know how hurt I was?" Rory asked, stabbing the pencil into the page. "I cried for weeks. Everyone said you had used me for sex. I thought I should believe them."

"Rory –"

"You know, I have to go," Rory said, surprised at the sudden tears she could feel welling up. "I'm glad you're well. Say hi to Luke. Bye."

A long time after she had slammed down the phone Rory sat staring at it, taking deep breaths. The phone call hadn't meant to go like that. It was just supposed to be an exchange of pleasantries, short and sweet and painless. She should have known they could never talk without it being painful.

Rory closed her eyes and sighed. She hadn't seen him but she imagined Jess, his hair still raven-black and that amused look to his eye, which had charmed her back when she was young. She suddenly remembered her young, naïve, eighteen-year-old self. God, she'd been such a kid then. At the time she'd thought she was smart and grown up but she'd been such a child. She hadn't known what it was to screw up so painfully, how to felt to hurt others and be hurt herself. She'd thought it would be so simple, that all you needed was a plan and she hadn't know then that plans could go wrong and you had to start over and that some things never work out. She was so unknowingly optimistic. Rory missed that girl sometimes.

Rory moved over to her cupboard where she kept a box of things she had from home, various odds and ends she had wanted to keep but had nowhere to put, like the long gum wrapper necklace she and Lane had made one Saturday after collecting wrappers for weeks, the small sampler she had sewed in elementary school and, at the very bottom, the photo of her and Jess. Rory had unearthed it a few years ago at the back of a desk drawer at home and taken it everywhere with her since, unable to explain why.

Rory moved the picture into the light. It was one of those photos taken by a disposable camera, slightly blurred, yet her and Jess's smiles were clear. Rory almost didn't need the photo, she remembered the day so well – when winter was melting into spring and she had bought the camera on the spur of the moment and how she had held it up and snapped the shot before Jess could stop her while he was protesting, laughing, saying he never let anyone take his photo and she was looking at him and laughing, her mouth wide open and his on the edge of a grin. Jess had told her he would never let her take his photo again and she had grinned and kissed him, giggling as he told her he was serious, neither thinking that was really true. The camera had somehow been forgotten about and she had stumbled across it a few months later, after they had split up and had debated over developing it, not sure if the pictures would even come out. She hadn't been sorry when they did – there were photos of her mother messing around in the diner as well – but she hadn't been able to look at the picture of her and Jess for long and had hidden it away.

Rory moved her finger across their young selves. They looked like such children. Just looking at it brought back the instant rush of memories – the yearning, the excitement, the feeling of getting on a ride and it going too fast.

Rory looked at the picture for a while and finally put it back, the top of the box askew, closing her eyes. She had never shown it to anyone else, not even Lorelai and sometimes she wondered why she still had it yet she knew that getting rid of it was unthinkable and Rory sighed, feeling young and old at once.


	13. Chapter 13

A few days later Rory stumbled into her apartment, trying to negotiate three heavy bags and a box of takeout. As she managed to get the door open she heard the phone ringing and groaned, too tired to take any call, except maybe from her mother.

"Hold on," she called, as though whoever it was could hear her. "I'm coming."

The phone gave a loud beep just as Rory approached the phone and someone started talking. It was not her mother.

"Hey Rory...it's Jess. You can probably tell it's me, but some people can't with the phone...anyway, it was good talking to you the other day, even if we ended it stupidly. I didn't mean to criticise. Anyway, I wondered if you wanted to go for coffee or something. I know somewhere which makes it stronger than Luke's...crazy, I know. I've moved back to New York. I'll get if you don't but if you do, you have my number. Well, see you...I hope. Bye."

Rory stood, speechless, as the machine thanked Jess for his call and couldn't move for a good minute. Then the weight of the bags suddenly hit her again and she lowered them down impatiently, putting the take-out on the counter. She walked over and stared at the machine and replayed it once, twice, three times. It was so weird to hear Jess Mariano's voice in her apartment, even if only by recording. Rory listened to it a fourth time and then sat down, mechanically opening her pizza box and eating it. Jess, back in New York, back where she lived. Her legs felt oddly shakey and there was a nervous twitch in her chest.

Rory slowly ate her way through the pizza, barely tasting it and not even touching the free garlic dip. Her breath was still coming out odd and Rory banged her hand on the table.

"Stop it!" she yelled at herself. "Stop being so stupid."

The apartment was silent and Rory groaned at herself.

"You're being ridiculous."

Finally she got up and put the pizza box in the trash, getting a big glass of water at the sink. Rory stared out at the city, taking big gulps of it. She was not going to be so pathetic. She was an adult, for God's sake. What did she even have to talk about with Jess? Why did they even need to apologise over their fight on the phone? And yet...and _yet_. Rory couldn't help being curious to see him after all these years, to talk to him, not on the phone but face-to-face, to see how his life was going. Rory also couldn't help being excited by the prospect of a decent cup of coffee – she hadn't found any which had come close to matching Luke's.

Rory put the glass down and walked over to the phone, her hand hovering over it. She swallowed dry saliva and felt her heart throb again.

"You're being pathetic, Gilmore," she mumbled to herself and finally picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Mom," Rory said, already relieved to hear her mother's voice. "How's it going?"

"Good," Lorelai said, sounding pleasantly surprised at her daughter's phone call. "Sookie and the kids have just gone home – I watched them for the day."

"Sounds fun?"

Lorelai let out a dry laugh.

"It wasn't?"

"It was fun for the first ten minutes. Then Martha poked Davey and called him a stupid-head and he said she was stupid everywhere and then she started screaming and pushed him over, and he pushed her back and while I was busy separating them Ellen was throwing a fit because no one was paying her any attention."

Rory winced.

"And you make coming home sound such fun."

"It wasn't all bad," Lorelai said guiltily. "I got them all to calm down by baking cookies. They're better chefs than me, they were telling me what to do."

"With Sookie for a mom, are you surprised?"

"I guess not. So, any reason for this call? You're still coming down Saturday, right?"

"Right!" Rory said. "I'm coming all weekend."

"Good," Lorelai said. "And there's nothing wrong?"

"Can't I just call and say hi?" Rory asked, feigning hurt. "I like talking to you."

"I'm sorry, Rory," Lorelai said guiltily. "You just sounded like something was up."

There was a long pause.

"Rory?"

"Jess called," Rory said in a rush. "He called and left a message and apologised for the fight we had and now he wants to go for coffee!"

"Jess? Jess Mariano?"

"No, Jessica Simpson! God Mom, what should I do? He had no right to talk to me like that but I still want to see him and I still –"

"Rory, slow down. I feel like I'm reading the back page of a book here. What fight? What phone call? What cup of coffee?"

Rory took a deep breath.

"I called him after you gave me his phone number," she said, wishing again for a phone cord. "I just wanted to see how he was doing."

"Uh huh."

"And it was fine at first and then somehow we got into a fight. He called Logan a jerk."

"He what? How did _Logan_ come up?"

"He asked me if I was still with that Yale jerk."

"Ah."

"And then I'd told him he was a jerk," Rory said miserably. "And I kind of hung up on him, and then he called me just now and asked if I wanted to go for coffee and talk properly because we shouldn't have yelled. And he's here! He's moved back here!"

"To New York?"

"Yes! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you prepare me for that?"

"Rory, does this sound like someone in the know?"

Rory stopped, running a hand over her forehead and closing her eyes.

"You didn't know? Why didn't Luke tell you?"

"I don't know but he didn't. It's just as much a shock to me as it is to you."

"Oh, Mom," Rory said heavily. "He's back in the same city as me and he wants to go for coffee!"

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know!" Rory exclaimed. "That's why I'm calling you!"

"Rory, I can't tell you what to do here. That's up to you."

"You're my mommy," Rory said stubbornly. "Don't you know the answer to everything?"

"Most things, my sweet, but not this. Rory, I don't know. It's just a cup of coffee."

"Right."

"But it's a cup of coffee with Jess Mariano," Lorelai said, finishing her thought. "And I don't know how you feel about that."

"I feel...weird," Rory said, after a pause. "It's Jess. I know I'm not obligated to see him but I'm curious about how he is, and then I'm annoyed that I'm curious and that I even feel this strange about it. It's just a cup of coffee."

"Rory," Lorelai said gently. "Are you still mad at him?"

"Mad about what?" Rory asked quietly and Lorelai said,

"You know what."

Rory thought back. Back to the days at the end of her relationship, only she hadn't known that then. Hating and loving Jess all at once, trying not to get distracted, trying to concentrate, and then hearing he left and her world coming crashing down. The way everyone told her he'd used her and how much it had hurt. _I'm a person_, Rory wanted to say. _You can't use me_.

"That was so long ago, Mom," Rory said and Lorelai said,

"Rory."

To Rory's horror she felt a lump in her throat and a sob escaped. Lorelai heard.

"Rory! Oh sweetie, I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I'm not crying," Rory lied and Lorelai said,

"Sweetheart, come home so I can hug you."

"I can't, tomorrow's Thursday, I have work."

"Then I'll save up all my hugs until Saturday. Oh honey, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Rory hiccupped. "I'm just being stupid."

"Rory Gilmore, you are not being stupid. He's the one who's a jerk. Just asking you for coffee, not even sounding sorry –"

"Mom, it was so long ago."

"And he still hurt you. I'll never forgive him for that."

Rory closed her eyes, feeling hot tears pour down her cheeks.

"Mom, I have to go."

"You don't want to talk about it some more?"

"I want to forget about it for a while. Maybe watch _Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth_."

"_That's_ your comfort TV?" Lorelai asked in disbelief and Rory said defensively,

"I want to watch something where I have to concentrate."

"Well...alright then," Lorelai said doubtfully. "I guess I'll see you Saturday."

"Saturday," Rory agreed. "I'll see you then."

"I love you, kiddo."

"I love you too," Rory said and put the phone down.

Rory sniffled and wiped her eyes. Talking to her mother always helped but this phone call had made her feel worse instead of better and she hated herself for crying like this, for still feeling hurt like this, for something which happened ten years before. Rory shook her head and sought out Joseph Campbell, the most reliable man in her life.


	14. Chapter 14

Thanks for the feedback!

The phone rang on Friday night and Rory hesitated before she answered, letting it ring more than once.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me," came her mother's voice and Rory let out a breath of relief and strange disappointment.

"Hi Mom."

"Listen, kiddo, about tomorrow..."

"You're cancelling!" Rory cried, knowing before her mother had said the words. "What happened?"

"Davey, Martha and Ellen are what happened. They got sick on Tuesday and guess who was puking into a bucket all day today?"

"Oh Mom," Rory said, sinking down on the sofa. "That sucks."

A hollow laugh.

"You're telling me."

"I can still come," Rory said bravely. "I can look after you."

"Thanks sweetie, but you're a horrible nurse," said Lorelai honestly and Rory exclaimed,

"Mom! I am not, I'm your daughter!"

"You're my daughter but you're still a rotten nurse. You get freaked out about germs and end up not even coming in the room with a mask on."

"I'll bring a mask but I'll still come in the room."

"Thanks honey, but no. I'd rather spend tomorrow with the cast of _Flashdance_."

"You're picking a movie over me?"

"It's for both of us," Lorelai said. "And seriously Rory, this is a horrible bug. I don't you spending next week the day I did today. God, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Let's just say I gave Linda Blair a run for her money."

"Thanks for the visual," Rory grimaced, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry, Mom."

"I'm sorry too," Lorelai said sadly. "Are you free next Saturday?"

Rory ran through her calendar in her head and nodded.

"Sure."

"We'll make it then instead?" Lorelai asked hopefully. "I'm so sorry, Rory."

"It's not your fault, Mom. Just concentrate on feeling better. Drink lots of water."

"I will. I promise to disinfect everything as well."

"Thank you," Rory said honestly. "Feel better, Mom."

"I will. Love you."

"Love you more."

Rory hung the phone up and sighed, looking round the apartment. There were some dishes in the sink and halfheartedly she walked over and washed them, trying not to feel bitterly disappointed. Rory had been looking forward to the weekend for so long. Everyone had said that one day she and Lorelai would not be so close, that work and distance would make them drift apart, but they always talked at least twice a week and Rory came home as much as possible. She'd been looking forward the weekend even more since Jess had called and she glanced over at the phone, half expecting it to ring. It didn't.

Rory sat on the sofa, turning on the television and flipped through the channels without watching any of them. Dimly, she wondered how to spend her weekend now that her plans were ruined. She didn't want to go shopping or see a movie or see any of her work friends who, whilst wonderful people, never seemed to talk about anything besides their job despite their best intentions – even on days where they vowed to talk about anything else work crept back in. Paris would be busy, she was always busy and Rory thought back to high school days and how much she missed Stars Hollow at times before sitting up, wondering why she hadn't thought of it before. Excitedly she dialled some numbers.

"Hello?" came a hushed voice and Rory frowned.

"Lane, is that you?"

"Rory?"

"Why are you whispering?"

"It's after eight, the kids are in bed."

"Of course," Rory said and she smiled, remembering how Mrs Kim would never allow calls after nine.

"What's up?"

"Well," Rory said, going and sitting back down. "I was thinking about how long it was since we've had a proper day together. I was meant to see Mom on Saturday but she's sick and I thought maybe we could hang out – get Zach to take the kids and we'll go and have a girly day like old times."

"That'd be nice," Lane said and Rory sensed a _but_.

"What is it? We can bring the kids along if Zach's busy."

"We're going to Zach's parents'," Lane said apologetically. "I'm really sorry, Rory. I wish I could do that instead, believe me, but it's been arranged for weeks."

"That's okay," Rory said miserably. "It's short notice. We can do it some other time."

"Sure. What's new in your life, anyway? I feel like we haven't talked in forever."

"Not too much," Rory said, tucking her knees up. "Busy with work like always. Jess called."

"What?" Lane asked. "Jess Mariano?"

"What other Jess do I know?"

"And you choose to tell me that last?" Lane shrieked, sounding like a teenager. "Seriously, Rory! What did he say?"

"Um..."

"Um, what?"

"We sort of had a fight."

There was a pause and then Lane sighed down the line.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"I feel so stupid," Rory said, wishing Lane was really there. "It was like I was a teenager again. One moment we were doing the awkward catching up thing and the next he's telling me I was wasting time with Logan and I'm telling him he's Holden Caulfield."

Rory heard Lane laugh.

"Lane!"

"I'm sorry, but that's the best comparison ever. Have you spoken since?"

"Not really. He left a message on my machine saying he was sorry and we should go for coffee."

"What did you say?"

"I didn't. I haven't called back."

"Rory Gilmore, Jess left a message on your machine and you've ignored it? When did he call?"

"Two days ago."

"Rory!"

"What?" Rory cried. "Why should I have to call back? Why should I talk to him?"

"You don't have to but you should. Aren't you curious?"

"A little," Rory admitted and Lane was smug.

"So go see him."

"Are you serious?"

"Rory, it's just coffee. You don't have to see him again if you don't have to."

"Lane Kim, you brazen woman," Rory teased. "Who would have thought that there was a time when you had a code for when you called boys?"

"At least I called them," Lane shot back. "Do it, Rory, at least so you can pass on gossip to me. I'm dying here."

"Nothing exciting in Stars Hollow?"

"Kirk bought a parrot last week and it pecked him everywhere, if you don't count the daily excitement of chasing three very small people everywhere who haven't all mastered their bladder yet."

"Ew." Rory wrinkled her nose.

"Being a mom makes you immune to anything _ew_," Lane remarked. "Oh, I have to go, Steve's calling me."

"Okay," Rory said. "I'm not promising anything, okay?"

"Sure," teased Lane. "Steve, leave your sister alone!"

"Bye," Rory said and hung up. She stared at the phone for a moment, missing her friend. Adulthood sucked at times.

Rory switched the television back on, watched a few minutes of inane commercials and then switched it off again. She found the piece of paper with Jess's number on it and dialled it before she could change her mind, heart pounding and half hoping he wouldn't pick up.

"Hello?"

Jess's voice, sounding deep and slightly sleepy came through the line and Rory stuttered,

"Hi. Its Rory."

"Hey, Rory," Jess said, sounding more awake. "I didn't think you were going to call back."

"Well, I am."

"Evidently."

There was an awkward pause and Rory asked,

"What are you up to right now?"

"Right now I am working on a bitch of a chapter," Jess sighed. "I took a shower to try and clear my head but it didn't work. I'm just cold."

"Right," Rory said, imagining him in a towel and feeling her cheeks go red. She was glad he wasn't in the room.

"What are you up to?" Jess asked and Rory came back to earth.

"Not much. I spoke to Lane just before."

"How is she?"

"Good – she's got three kids."

"I can't imagine that."

"I can't believe it sometimes," Rory admitted. "She's a great mom though."

"I'm sure she is."

There was another awkward pause and Rory could sense the conversation dying, Jess ready to make a polite farewell and she hastily said,

"Mom's sick."

"What? Badly?"

"Oh – no, just a bug. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," Jess said, sounding a little confused. "I hope she gets better."

"I was meant to see her this weekend," Rory said, knowing she was explaining horribly. "But now I can't, so..."

"So...?"

"So do you want to go for coffee?" Rory asked in a rush. "I know it's rude to ask this late and all –"

Jess laughed in a friendly way.

"I'd love to."

"Sure?"

"It was my idea in the first place and hey, you don't have to apologise for asking last minute. I sucked at making plans, remember?"

"I remember," Rory said softly.

"Coffee at Seventh Avenue?" Jess asked and Rory frowned.

"There's no coffee place there."

"There is, it's tucked right by the subway," Jess told her. "It's hidden."

"Can I meet you by the subway then?"

He laughed again.

"Of course. How does three sound?"

"Perfect."

"Well...it's a date."

"A date," Rory agreed. "A date for the diary," she added hastily and he said,

"Right. I'll see you then."

"Bye," Rory said, mortified, and hung up. What was wrong with her – _a date for the diary_? What was she, sixteen?

"Great going, Gilmore," she mumbled to herself and went back to the television, this time grateful for its banality.


	15. Chapter 15

Thank you for the feedback! hieisdragoness18, don't say that – I'm 24 this year and don't feel old, though it was distinctively weird when a teenager asked me what it was like to be 'grown-up' the other day!

Rory saw him before he saw her. Leaning against the subway wall in that old, casual pose, watching everyone go by with an expression of almost amusement. He looked different yet the same all at once and Rory took a deep breath and walked up to him.

"Hi."

"Hey Rory," Jess said, standing up and taking his hands out his pockets. "You found it."

"I found the subway," Rory frowned and he grinned and pointed. Behind him were a small flight of steps leading to a blue door and Rory's eyes widened.

"I can't believe I never saw that before!"

"Not many people know it's there," Jess said as he started down the steps. "I guess people are so busy for the subway they never look closer. Are you coming?"

Rory nodded and hurried down the steps, smiling awkwardly as Jess held the door open for her.

Inside it was small yet not cramped, oddly quiet after the hum of the city and trains, decorated in blue with paintings of all kinds and eras adorning the walls. Rory stopped and looked round, amazed that she had never found it before.

"Why Jess!" came a loud, amused voice. "Who's the lady friend?"

Rory looked up to see a tall, lanky guy with dark skin and a silver stud in his ear and knew she blushed.

"Rory's an old friend, Bill," Jess said, moving closer to her. "We haven't seen each other for a while."

"Then I'll keep the coffee coming," Bill said. "Usual table?"

Jess nodded and led Rory to a table in the very corner of the room, near a window so light from the street streamed through yet not so near that the noise came through and deafened them.

"Sit," Jess said, taking his jacket off and Rory did the same and took the chair facing out to the room. Barely had she sat down that Bill brought over two large, steaming cups of coffee.

"Enjoy," he winked. "See you later, Jess."

They thanked him and Rory stared after him, ignoring her cup. She wondered why Jess hadn't called her his old girlfriend, rather than just a friend.

"Who's that?"

"Bill's been a friend for years. This isn't his real job, he acts at the local theatre whenever he gets a gig. It's pretty cool having a friend to keep you in coffee, he always lets me sit here as long as I like, plus I get a cheaper theatre ticket. You shouldn't let your coffee get cold," he added, noticing Rory not touching her drink.

Rory picked it up and gave it a doubtful sip.

"Oh my God, that's incredible!"

"I said it was," Jess said, laughing. "Better than Luke's?"

"It's a definitely a close second," Rory said, grinning and putting down the cup. "It's been a while since I've had coffee that good."

Jess smiled and Rory looked at him, taking him in. So much older but still so much the same – the relaxed air, the lopsided grin and the hair that would never lie completely flat. Rory smiled back.

"What?"

"Nothing," Rory said, looking away quickly, embarrassed to have been staring. "It's just been so long since we've seen each other."

"Yeah," Jess agreed, staring at her this time and Rory tried not to blush. She wondered what he thought, if she seemed different to him. Rory took a large sip of coffee.

"So how come you're back in New York?" she asked curiously. "What happened to the Truncheon?"

"It closed."

Rory put her cup down and stared.

"What happened?"

"A bad economy," Jess said with a wry grin but there was no humour to his voice. Rory felt terrible.

"Oh Jess, I'm so sorry. That's so unfair."

"Yeah, well." Jess picked up his cup. "I kind of knew it was coming."

Rory nodded and sipped her coffee. They drank quietly for a moment.

"So how are you?" Jess asked, breaking the silence. "Besides work?"

"I'm fine," Rory said. "There isn't much else to tell. I live on my own over thirty-fourth and I go home as much as I can. I don't like being away from Stars Hollow more than I have to."

"You're still close with your mom?" Jess asked and Rory nodded. "I'm glad you guys made up."

Rory looked down, remembering those awful months where she hadn't spoken to her mother, lived at her grandparents' and tried to tell herself she was happy.

"Me too," she said quietly. "I can't believe how long ago that was."

"That was when I last saw you."

Rory looked up, Jess gazing at her, his eyes still piercing. She opened her mouth, a question poised on her tongue but didn't know what to ask and how to say it so she hastily said,

"How's Liz?"

The moment was broken and Jess started to shred an old sugar paper.

"She's fine."

"And TJ?"

"He's fine too. They're all fine."

"Hey, how old is Dula now?"

"Six," said Jess and he let out a surprised laugh. "I'm not sure how that happened."

"Wow, me neither."

"I pick her up from school sometimes," Jess said, tipping the pieces of paper on a plate. "If I have time. She's the toughest little kid you ever met but when she sees me she runs up to me and jumps right into my arms and gives me a kiss in front of everyone."

"That's sweet."

"Yeah, well. I didn't see much of her when she was a baby. I never feel that I see her enough."

There was a sadness in his voice and Rory bit her lip.

"I feel a little like that with Gigi. I take her for a milkshake or something at least once a month but it never feels enough. I was so mad at Dad that I never really saw her as a baby. She was born and then the next moment she'd shot into a little girl."

"Gigi must be what – ten now?"

"Yup."

"I remember when she was born," Jess said. "That was when we were going out."

"Yep," Rory said and she took another gulp of coffee, welcoming the burning sensation in her throat. "I don't know how that can be ten whole years ago."

"Doesn't feel that long," Jess said and Rory shook her head. For a while neither said anything and Rory heard a rushing sound. It had started to rain outside.

"Jesus," Jess said, letting out a bark of laughter. "We sound like we're ready to collect our social security."

Rory couldn't help laughing too.

"Some people act like that," she said. "They ask if I'm married or have kids and when I tell them I don't they tell me I still have time."

"God, I hate it when people ask why I haven't gone in for the white picket fence crap."

"But I bet they only ask once," Rory shot back. "And don't ask you why. It's worse if you're a woman. Because I've got a uterus it should be my whole life, it should be the only thing that really matters. Never mind that I worked on two Obama campaigns, never mind that I went to Yale, the only important thing is husband and kids and my supposed biological clock."

Jess looked at her and Rory went red.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to rant."

"No," Jess said. "You're right. They do only ask once and then they shut up."

"I did nearly get married once," Rory said, shredding her own sugar packet. "Years ago."

"Who to?"

"Logan," Rory sighed. "The Yale jerk."

"Seriously?"

"He proposed to me," Rory said, pouring the sugar onto her plate. "At my graduation party. I nearly accepted, I did love him, but I wasn't ready, I was too young. I had to live my own life first, I had my work. I said maybe one day but that wasn't good enough for him and we broke up at graduation."

"Jesus, Rory. I'm sorry."

"I thought Luke would have told you that."

"He never tells me much about you," Jess said. "Maybe he thinks it's not his place."

"Maybe," Rory said quietly. She sipped at her coffee which had gone cold.

"I'm sorry I called Logan a jerk," Jess said and Rory looked at him curiously.

"No, you're not."

"I'm not sorry for thinking he's a jerk," Jess clarified. "And I'll stand by that, but I'm sorry I said it to you. I'm sorry I asked about him on the phone, I wouldn't have if..."

"It's okay," Rory said. "I'm sorry I yelled too."

"Don't be."

"I still am."

"It's okay. And Rory, I'm sorry for..." Jess hesitated. "I'm sorry."

"You said that already," Rory said with a smile and he hesitated and then nodded.

Jess drank the rest of his coffee and they both looked up as a crack of thunder echoed overhead.

"We should go," Rory said quickly. "It sounds nasty out there."

Jess nodded and they scraped their chairs back. Rory got out of her wallet.

"Hey, let me get it."

"No, I want to."

"My treat."

"I arranged it," Rory said. "Let me pay."

"Let me," Jess said and Rory slowly put her wallet away, but insisted on chipping in for the tip.

The rain instantly drenched them the moment they stepped outside. The water was so heavy it was hard to talk and they pressed into the wall.

"You'd better get back before it gets any worse," Rory said and he nodded, water dripping off his hair.

"Can we do this again some time?" he asked and Rory nodded, truthfully saying,

"Today was fun."

"I'll call," Jess said. "Do you know which train to take?"

"Of course I know what train to take!"

He laughed and she smiled, both remembering that day long ago.

"You know you can eat on it now."

"Still such a wise guy," Rory said, and she hurried to the entrance. It was only once she was in the warm, back at her apartment, that she remembered his words of apology and that she had not asked what for.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you for the feedback! Scarlet, we are very close in age – my birthday is in August! Supermanne, that's really appreciated – I always strive to make my writing seem true to life and, in this case, true to their character as well**.

Jess called the very next night. It was still raining and Rory curled her legs up on the couch, eating peanuts and feeling a familiar kind of happiness.

"You've got so much better," she teased. "Remember before, how you never used to call?"

"Hey, I'm a lot more organised than back then. Besides, I like talking to you."

Rory smiled into the phone. It was weirdly comfortable talking to Jess again, easy to pick up from where they'd left off the other day and, if anything else, Rory liked having someone to talk to in New York. She had lived there for three months yet it still did not feel like home. They chatted about work, about writing, about finding the balance between working and reading and about anything and everything.

"Do you live on your own now?" Rory asked and Jess said,

"I live with Chris from the Truncheon – remember him?"

"Sort of," Rory said, remembering the two guys Jess had worked with vaguely. She could only really remember him from that strange blur of a day.

"We live near eighteenth."

"Is it a pit?" Rory asked gleefully and laughed when he said,

"Hey, I'll let you know we're pretty neat, though anything's an improvement on my last apartment here. I could never remember how many of us crashed there. What's your place like? I remember your last living quarters being pretty fancy."

Rory frowned and then blushed as she remembered that Jess had last visited when she had stayed with her grandparents, right before she moved into Logan's apartment, though Jess had never seen her there. She decided not to mention that.

"Believe me, I wasn't there much longer. I lived in a pretty crappy apartment with Paris for a while."

"So what's this place like, on a scale of grandparents to Paris?"

"I'd give it a seven," Rory said. "It's pretty small but I don't fear for my life every time I walk up the stairs."

"Any mugger should be scared of you – you've got that withering stare."

"You remembered!" Rory exclaimed, bursting into laughter. "Oh, jeez. I probably looked really pathetic."

"Hey, you used that stare on me more than once and I'd say it's pretty fatal."

"If you say so," grinned Rory. "Maybe I'll sneak up on you and use it in Washington Square, when you're reading your book. Do you still go there?"

"Sometimes. I don't have as much time now."

"I'll have to go to your place then," teased Rory and then went red, biting her tongue. "Well. You know what I mean."

"You should come to my place," Jess said. "If you want to. Then you can see it's not a dump."

"So you can manically tidy?"

"Come on Saturday."

"I can't, I'm seeing Mom all weekend."

"Well, whenever's good."

"Maybe next Friday?"

"Because that's not a school night?" needled Jess and Rory was flustered.

"I – oh, shut up. I'll see you Friday."

On Saturday morning Rory drove back to her childhood town. Stars Hollow always had that strange, timeless feel to it, like if you came back in fifty years nothing would change. Everyone was older but nothing else was new. Taylor still held the town meetings, Kirk always had a new job and as Rory drove through the square she waved at Miss Patty who was teaching her weekly ballet class, of which Rory herself had attended, and performed horribly at, several years ago.

"Rory!" Lorelai shrieked as Rory pulled up at the house, rushing up the car with Paul Anka. "Look how much you've grown!"

"I've missed you too," Rory said, hugging her mother tightly before backing away nervously. "The virus is definitely gone?"

"That's a real way to show the love," Lorelai said sarcastically, leading the way into the house. "No one says it like you do."

"Hey, you asked if I had a parasite the moment I got back from Mexico."

"I had good reason!"

"Just because Lane got pregnant there didn't mean I was going to," Rory said, pouring herself a cup of coffee, absentmindedly rubbing Paul Anka's head and her mother scoffed.

"I know all about those cheap Mexican condoms."

"Well, I brought my own."

"Rory Gilmore!" Lorelai exclaimed. "I don't know if I should be proud or grossed out that my kid told me that."

"You made Trojan jokes the moment I started my period."

"Yeah well, you would too if you got knocked up at sixteen. Anyway, this is a weird conversation. I don't want to think about you having sex in Mexico."

"Who says I did?"

"You brought condoms."

"Doesn't mean I did."

"Well, I can't get that image out of my mind now. Pour me some coffee. Let's talk about something normal mothers and daughters talk about. Tell me about work."

"Work's been fine," Rory said, giving her a cup. "Busy as ever. It was kind of crazy on Thursday, Lisa had to go home sick and I had to cover her workload and...Mom!"

"What?" Lorelai asked and Rory exclaimed,

"You're thinking about it!"

"I don't want to! Why did you even bring that up?"

"You did."

"I didn't."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did –" Lorelai paused. "This is ridiculous. I would never have this problem with Mom."

"Gross," Rory said. "I don't want to think about you talking about sex with Grandma."

"Mom doesn't know that word. When was seeing Chris she'd keep asking if I was having relations. Who even says that?"

"Grandma."

"She would," Lorelai said, drinking her coffee and making a face. "_I don't want you having relations, Lorelai_. Ugh. Now I'm having flashbacks. Let's talk about something else. I've heard British people always talk about the weather if they have nothing to say."

"The weather," Rory said. "Um, it's been cold. Kind of windy."

"Cold here too," Lorelai said Rory nodded. They looked at their cups.

"How can British people always talk about this?" Lorelai asked eventually. "I have nothing to expand on with it being cold. It's cold, that's that. Just tell me something shocking. Anything."

"Well," Rory said, giving her mother a nervous smile. "I met up with Jess last week."

Lorelai stared at her.

"That'd work. When?"

"Last Saturday, when you were sick. Do you remember he left that message? I was going to ignore it but I couldn't see you and everyone was busy and Lane talked me into calling him –"

"Lane?" Lorelai asked incredulously. "It's always the quiet ones."

"So we did," Rory said, ignoring her. "We went for coffee at this amazing little place right by the subway – I can't believe I never noticed it before – and we just chatted for ages and it was great, Mom. I really thought it would be weird and awkward but it wasn't at all."

"That's great," Lorelai said in disbelief and she stared when Rory added,

"And he called on Sunday and I'm going to his apartment next Friday."

"You're what?"

"I haven't seen where he lives. The Truncheon closed, that's why he moved back. He's here permanently now. I should see him again, shouldn't I?"

"Sure," Lorelai said, concentrating on her cup and Rory looked at her.

"What?"

" Nothing."

"You're making your _Rory's being naïve face_," Rory accused and Lorelai blushed. "And you're using the voice you have at Friday night dinners where Grandma asks if you think the new dish of minced octopus tastes good and you say yes."

"Rory!"

"You are," Rory said and Lorelai didn't deny it. "Say whatever it is you're thinking."

"Rory, it's just...you sound awfully friendly with Jess again," Lorelai said carefully. "Going for coffee."

"It was polite!"

"And making plans to see his apartment?"

"Oh Mom, it's not code or anything," Rory protested. "I really am just going to see his apartment."

"I'm sure you are," Lorelai said. "I'm just surprised."

"How so?"

"Whenever I've ever talked about Jess before you've got upset," Lorelai said and Rory looked down. "I know you never forgave him and now you're palling around coffee shops and going to see his place?"

"It was one coffee trip," Rory said defensively. "And I am still hurt about it but it was such a long time ago and he's grown up now. We both have."

"And you're magically okay with it? Rory, I know it still hurts you."

"Yes, it does, but...I don't know, Mom," Rory sighed. "I like talking to him again. I'm happy."

"As long as you are," Lorelai said quietly and Rory said,

"Nothing's going to happen. I'm not falling for him again, we're just friends."

"Okay," Lorelai said, using that voice again but Rory didn't call her on it. They finished their coffee in silence.

"Come on," Lorelai said, getting up. "Let's get breakfast at Luke's."

"Breakfast? It's after twelve."

"It's always breakfast time here," Lorelai said in a spooky voice and Rory laughed, grabbing her coat. As they walked outside Lorelai could not help remarking,

"You still have those condoms from that Mexico trip, don't you?"

"Sure," Rory said suspiciously and she rolled her eyes when her mother said,

"Because a trip to see his apartment might not be code now, but..."

"Why, Mother!" Rory sighed, amused and annoyed at the same time. "I do not plan on having relations with that man!"

"Whatever you say, Daisy Miller," Lorelai teased. "Whatever you say."


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for the feedback**!

It was a clear frosty afternoon where the whole town seemed brighter and clearer. Rory and Lorelai strolled to the diner, passed the groups of children playing games where Rory used to ride her bike, passed Kim's Antiques and made their way along the familiar streets.

The bell jangled on the door of the diner and Luke looked up from the counter, smiling in surprise.

"Hey!" Lorelai crowed, pushing her way to the front. "Look what I brought!"

"Rory!" Luke exclaimed, his face splitting into a wide grin. "There's the Big City girl! It's been far too long."

"It has," agreed Rory, sitting on a stool and taking off her coat. "Did you miss me?"

"I..." Luke took off his cap and put it on again, embarrassed. "You know I did."

Rory wanted to go and give him a hug but knew it would make him awkward. Luke wasn't brilliant at sharing feelings but Rory knew he had missed her and loved her like a daughter.

"Free muffin," Luke announced, putting one on a plate. "And coffee on the house, in honour of your coming home."

"Luke, you old softie," Rory said, digging in and Lorelai exclaimed,

"Where's mine?"

"You come here every day."

"What about the honour of a mother having her daughter come home?"

"If I do this every time I'll go broke," Luke said, rolling his eyes and sliding another onto a plate. "I probably already am."

"Isn't it worth it for us?" Lorelai teased and he sighed but smiled at her. Rory wondered if they would ever figure it out. Since the failed engagement they seemed to run shy from each other yet they still flirted and Rory was sure that more went on than what her mother told her.

"We need breakfast as well," Lorelai remembered. "Can you pass us a menu?"

"You have the same thing every time!"

They argued pleasantly, out of habit, and by the time the food was ready the crowd had died down and a table was free. Rory and Lorelai sat by the window and when Luke brought the food over Rory asked,

"Luke, why didn't you tell me about Jess?"

"What about Jess?" Luke asked, confused, and Rory exclaimed,

"That he moved back to New York! That the Truncheon closed!"

"Oh." Luke looked uncomfortable and scratched his ear. "Well, I didn't know if I should. It all happened so fast and it was before you moved, and then when you did move I thought about telling you but I didn't know if Jess wanted me to and seeing as you have such a history and all...I'm sorry, Rory, I just didn't think it was my place."

"That's okay," Rory said, looking at her plate, and Luke asked curiously,

"Hey, how did you know? Have you spoken to Jess?"

Rory nodded.

"We went for coffee last week."

"You –"

Luke stopped in astonishment and suddenly Rory's phone started vibrating.

"Sorry, Luke," she said, nodding at the _no cellphones_ sign. "I'll take it outside."

Luke nodded, speechless, and turned to Lorelai when she had gone out.

"They're seeing each other again?"

"Apparently just as friends," Lorelai said, taking a bite of egg. "She's going to his apartment next week but I shouldn't worry because it isn't code."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I don't think I want to explain that to you, Luke."

Luke put his notepad down and stared at Lorelai.

"So what does this mean? Is she being honest, are they really just friends?"

"For now," Lorelai said and Luke said,

"But you don't believe it."

"They've only seen each other once, but if I know Rory...I _do_ know Rory. I think something will happen either way."

"Are you okay with it?"

"They're grown-ups, Luke. It feels weird but it's none of my business. Besides, maybe it won't come to anything."

"Maybe," Luke said doubtfully and Lorelai looked at him curiously.

"Why didn't you tell me about Jess?"

"I..." Luke was uncomfortable again. "I didn't want to make you feel like you had to tell Rory. Besides, you never liked Jess."

"I didn't like him when he was with Rory," Lorelai said honestly. "I don't know him as an adult. What do you think about them seeing each other?"

"I'm glad," Luke said, picking up his notepad again. "He's grown up now, he really has, and he's always missed Rory. He always asks about her. I don't tell him much, I didn't know if she wanted me to, but he always asks and he had such a look in his eyes when she came to see him in Philadelphia. I know something happened there which he never told me about but I know it meant something that she came."

Lorelai stared at him and he went red.

"Jess'll kill me if he knew I said all that."

"You make it sound like he loves her or something," Lorelai said with a shakey laugh and Luke shrugged his shoulders, both jumping when Rory came back in, snapping her phone shut.

"Sorry about that. Jess was asking for my email so he could send directions over."

"Oh really?" Lorelai asked and Rory gave her a nudge.

"Eat your breakfast."

They stayed in Luke's for another hour, until Kirk came in trying to sell buttons made from feathers, and slowly strolled home.

"I think I ate too much," Rory groaned and Lorelai shook her head.

"Not possible."

"I've been in New York too long," Rory grimaced. "I'm out of practise."

She burped miserably and Lorelai laughed. They walked in companionable silence and as they passed the playground Lorelai asked casually,

"So what happened in Philadelphia?"

Rory stopped and stared at her mother.

"What are you talking about?"

"That time you went to the open house, what happened?"

"What did Luke say to you?" Rory asked and Lorelai said triumphantly,

"Something did happen, I knew it! What happened?"

"It was no big deal."

"If it was no big deal why are you mad about it?"

"I'm not," Rory snapped and walked ahead of her mother, who caught her up in an instant.

"You'll have to walk way faster than that which you can't do because you gorged at Luke's!"

"Shut up," Rory said rudely and her mother rolled her eyes.

"Excellent comeback."

"I've never told anyone," Rory said and she sat on a bench and put her hands in her pockets. Lorelai sat down with her and didn't say anything.

"I don't know if you remember," Rory said slowly, "but it was right after I had that fight with Logan. When he'd thought we'd split up and I hadn't."

"And – with the bridesmaids?"

Rory nodded and Lorelai bit her lip.

"I was really hurting," Rory continued. "So I went to Jess's open house. I hadn't replied or anything but suddenly I really wanted to see him. We hadn't said goodbye the time before – when I was at Grandma's and he'd written his book – but he'd kind of got me to get it together again and I wanted to see him, I wanted to show that I was okay again, well, okay in the sense that I was back at Yale, so I went and...I don't know, Mom. It was so weird. Not in a bad way, but the time before it was nearly like we didn't know each other and this time I felt like we did. I felt more like me again. It was like all that time hadn't passed and we sat together, at the end of the night, talking and then we kissed."

Lorelai stared at her, not saying anything.

"And it felt so right, Mom, but I knew it wasn't. I was still with Logan and even though I was so mad I couldn't cheat on him too, I just couldn't, and I told Jess and he was mad, but more at Logan than me, I think, and then I left. I just went and we never talked about it again."

Rory looked fervently at her hands and Lorelai stroked her hair.

"I can't believe you never told me that."

"Yeah, well," Rory shrugged. "I don't know why I didn't say anything. No, I do. I was embarrassed and I felt bad. I felt as bad as him, as bad as Logan, but it was worse."

"Why?"

"Because when I kissed Jess I felt something," Rory said honestly. "It wasn't just me being cheap, it meant something, and it wasn't something I could forget about. It wasn't as if I had just kissed his friend Matthew or hell, even if I'd kissed Dean. I still had feelings and I ran."

"Rory. Did you ever tell Logan?"

Rory shook her head, tears streaming down her face.

"I couldn't. I knew it would ruin everything. I didn't want to think about it."

"Oh, Rory," Lorelai said, pulling her into a hug. "I wish you'd talked to me."

"So do I."

"Have you talked about it with Jess?" Lorelai asked and Rory shook her head.

"It hasn't come up."

"But Rory," Lorelai said, sounding a little shocked. "This means something."

"It was a really long time ago, Mom."

"It wasn't that long ago, not really."

"It was," Rory said firmly, and she got up, wiping her eyes. "I'm not saying we should forget about it or anything, but we can be friends."

"I'm not saying you can't," Lorelai said, getting up with her. "But you have to deal with it."

"I know!" Rory snapped, walking back to the house, and her mother asked,

"What does Jess think about it?"

"I don't know," Rory said shortly. "He's probably as embarrassed as me."

"Oh, Rory."

"It was years and years ago, Mom," Rory said firmly. "And he's not here now. Can we go back to our fun weekend? Please?"

Lorelai sighed and looked at her daughter's puppy dog eyes.

"Fine, but we're watching _For Keeps_."

"Mom!" Rory's face fell. "That is the worst movie ever made."

"It was my parenting tips movie," Lorelai said. "And it was very inspirational."

"It makes me feel like I'm back in Health class," Rory grumbled and her mother grinned.

"It's the price for my shutting up about it."

"You drive a hard bargain," Rory sighed and her mother said,

"Take it or leave it, baby. Oh, and you do know I'll talk all about the two minutes of your conception and giving birth?"

"All worth not having this conversation," Rory said grimly and they walked back to the house, Lorelai laughing all the way.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory felt nervous as she walked to Jess's apartment, the cold wind whipping around her and biting her fingers. She wished she had never told Lorelai what had happened in Philadelphia. She hadn't felt nervous before but now she had the feeling she used to have before a test and, swallowing, she shook out her long hair which had been tousled by the wind. Rory wished she had brought a brush and thought it was probably for the best that she didn't have a mirror with her.

Rory pressed the buzzer and an unfamiliar voice said,

"Yo."

"Um," Rory said awkwardly. "It's Rory."

"Rory who?"

"Gilmore – is Jess there?"

"Oh, you're _Rory_," the person whom Rory assumed to be Chris said with a delighted chuckle and then Jess's voice said impatiently,

"Buzz her through, jeez. Sorry, Rory."

The intercom buzzed and, embarrassed, she pushed the door open and walked up the first flight of stairs. At the top she nervously ran her fingers through her rather tangled hair and tapped on the door.

The door opened and Jess gave her an embarrassed smile.

"Sorry."

"It's fine," Rory said, with an awkward giggle, taking off her coat and saw in the corner the man she had spoken to briefly before.

"This must be the infamous Rory!" he said, grinning and sticking out his hand. Rory took it and shook it shyly, confused, and looked over at Jess who had gone red.

"Infamous?"

"I just mentioned that you were coming over a couple of times."

"I've heard a lot about you these past few days," Chris said. "I've never heard him talk so much."

"Only good things, I hope," Rory said awkwardly and then felt stupid. What if he had told him about her trip to Philadelphia? That wouldn't paint such a great picture.

"Definitely," Chris nodded and Jess cleared his throat.

"Rory, would you like some coffee or something?"

"Sure," said Rory gratefully and followed him to the kitchen, leaving her coat on the back of the chair. Jess had been true to his word and the place was very clean, aside from the odd magazine and book lying about.

"I only have instant," Jess said awkwardly. "Is it that okay?"

"Sure," Rory said, not really listening, perching herself on a stool and Jess looked at her quizzically.

"I'm surprised. I thought you hated instant."

"It's fine."

Jess spooned coffee into two mugs and Rory smoothed her hands down on her jeans. Jess wore jeans as well and a slate grey shirt and Rory was relieved that she had opted to wear something more casual than the dress she had nearly chosen or her fancy blouse.

"Here," Jess said, handing it to her and Rory took a sip before wrinkling her nose. Jess laughed.

"I knew you would hate instant. Why didn't you just tell me?"

"I don't know," Rory said, laughing. "I didn't want to put you out."

"I totally forgot to get real coffee," Jess said sheepishly. "Do you want something else?"

"No, it's fine."

"Sure? I have beer and stuff."

Rory shook her head and Jess took a sip of his own drink. Rory drank her own, trying not to make a face, for something to do. It felt awkward.

"How about the grand tour?" Jess asked and Rory leapt off her stool rather too eagerly.

"Yes!"

"Kitchen," he said, waving his arm around the room they were in. "Almost busted oven. Through here we have the lounge –" he pointed at the sofa on which Chris was playing a video and a small coffee table and walked smartly past –"the bathroom, Chris's room and my room. Do you want to see it?"

"Okay," Rory said and he pushed open the door to a surprisingly tidy room, painted in a dark blue colour with one poster on the wall, a large bookshelf and a book lying facedown on the middle of the bed. Jess saw her face and grinned.

"Improvement from when I lived at the diner, huh?"

"Yeah," Rory said, smiling and embarrassed that he had known what she was thinking. Suddenly she caught sight of a photo on the dresser of a little girl and Rory picked it up. The girl had long, flowing black hair and a too-large leather jacket

"Hey, is that Dula?"

"Yep," Jess said, smiling slightly. "Everyone was surprised when her hair stayed black – they all thought I got it from Jimmy but it must be from Liz's side after all."

"She's cute," Rory said fondly, handing it to him. "Is that your jacket?"

"Yeah. She wanted to try it on. She wanted my boots at well but they wouldn't stay on her feet so I sent her a pair of Doc Martins for Christmas. She wears them all the time, Liz says she tries to wear them to bed."

Rory smiled at Jess, who was smiling himself.

"Look at you, being a spoiling older brother."

Jess went slightly red.

"I didn't see her much when she was little. I still don't see her that much. I like spoiling her."

"Yeah," Rory said and he grinned at her.

"You're a big sister too. Do you spoil Gigi?"

"Oh, she's spoiled enough as it is! Dad dotes on her. I like seeing her though – I'm seeing her on Sunday, actually."

Jess nodded and Rory smiled self-consciously. There was an awkward silence.

"Hey, can I use your bathroom?"

"Sure," Jess said, pointing at the door between his and Chris's room and Rory thanked him and walked through gratefully. She used the toilet, got up to wash her hands, splashed cold water over her face and stared at herself in the mirror in horror. The wind had played havoc with her hair, leaving a mound of tangles on top and framing her face and Rory cursed herself for not bringing a hairbrush. She opened their medicine cabinet in the hope of them having something similar and then stared at an open box of condoms in the middle of the shelf. She picked them up, wondering stupidly if there was a name on them and then jumped, spilling them everywhere as there was a knock on the door.

"Rory? Is everything okay in there?"

"Fine!" Rory squeaked. "I'll be out in a sec!"

She hastily picked all the condoms up, pouring them back into the box and hoped to God that no one could hear through the door. She quickly scanned the floor, picked up one stray one from under the basin and dropped it back into the box, put them back, dried her face and hands and walked out, hoping she wasn't blushing.

"Sorry."

"No worries. Do you want another drink?"

Rory nodded and followed him back into the kitchen. She wondered whose they could be. Jess hadn't mentioned a girlfriend but then he wouldn't have to, and Rory didn't know how to casually drop it into conversation and besides, maybe they weren't his at all.

"That kind of concluded the grand tour," Jess said. "Not much to it."

"Oh – my apartment's way smaller."

"Guess I'll have to compare," Jess said with a crooked grin and Rory nodded, knowing she blushed this time and hated herself. She felt about seventeen.

"Rory, what's wrong?" Jess asked and Rory looked down. "What's bothering you?"

"It's nothing."

"Is it weird coming here? It didn't feel weird the other day when we saw each other. Is it because it's my place or something?"

Rory sighed and decided to be honest.

"I saw Mom last week," she said. "And she asked about when I went to see you in Philadelphia. I'd never told her before."

"About going to see me?"

"No, I told her that, just not about..." Rory trailed off and Jess nodded.

"I never told Luke either."

"And he knew something went on," Rory continued. "And I think Mom did a little too, though she's never asked about it. And Luke must have said something to her and she asked me and I finally told her, and she was a little shocked. I didn't feel so weird about it before but now I do. Is it weird for you, after that?"

"Not as much as I expected," Jess said truthfully and Rory nodded.

"I still feel like a jerk about it."

"Don't."

"Well, what do you think about it?"

"I think you were going through something," Jess said after a pause. "And we both didn't think. It was a long time ago now."

Rory nodded, feeling hugely relieved and let out a deep breath which she hadn't realised she'd been holding.

"I'll take that beer now," she said and Jess laughed, handing her one and taking one himself.

"So how are they all?" he asked, cracking it open. "The Stars Hollow crowd?"

"The same, pretty much. Mom and Luke are still dancing around each other."

"Do you think they'll ever figure it out?" Jess asked and Rory laughed and shook her head.

"I don't know. I hope so."

"How's Paris? Has she taken over the government yet?"

"Paris is in Medicine," Rory said. "And terrifying as ever. She's going to cure cancer, I know it. I still see her a lot – she lives with her boyfriend, Doyle."

"She got a boyfriend?"

"Hey!" Rory exclaimed. "She's had a few. She's been with Doyle for years now."

"She found someone equally as intense?"

"Not quite, but close. Those two were meant for each other."

"I'm glad," Jess said shortly. They drank more beer and then Jess put his bottle down.

"How are your grandparents? Are they still...?"

"Alive and kicking," Rory said and he looked relieved. "Mom says they'll outlive both of us. Grandpa's still working."

"You're kidding."

"It makes him sick_ not_ to work. Grandma thinks he's pushing himself too hard but he loves it. I'm seeing them in a couple of weeks."

"Not this week? It's Friday, isn't it?"

"Well, I'm in New York now. I go every couple of weeks instead."

"What did they say when you moved out?"

"I didn't exactly tell them," Rory said, going red. "I got two of Logan's friends to move all my stuff when Grandma was out."

"Bet they loved that."

"I had a huge argument with Grandma," Rory said. "The worst fight we ever had."

"They must have been proud of you for going back though, right?"

"Yeah," Rory said, looking down. "Well, Grandpa definitely was. They're both proud of me but I think they're still sorry I didn't marry Logan."

"Seriously?"

"According to them it was a match made in heaven," Rory said, grateful for the beer. "Logan came from such a rich family and I think they had this picture of us living in some huge mansion and vacationing on Cape Cod. They would have liked me to have had two kids by now. They're really proud of my work but I think they're still sad it didn't work out between us."

"Your grandparents are idiots," Jess said frankly and Rory looked at him, wanting to tell him off but smiling in spite of herself.

"Well. Maybe about that."

"They are," Jess said firmly and drained his bottle. Rory caught sight of the time.

"I'd better go, it's getting late."

"I'll call you a cab."

"Oh – it's okay."

"Let me," Jess said, picking up his phone and Rory's eyes widened.

"You cracked!" she exclaimed. "You got a cell phone!"

Jess went red.

"Yeah, well. I kind of needed one when I moved around and most places don't have a landline."

"Never stopped you before," Rory teased. "You cracked, you cracked!"

"Whatever."

"Though it looks over ten years old," Rory remarked. "Is it one of those phones where you got one line of text on the screen?"

Jess ignored her and called her cab.

"It's on its way, I'll walk you down."

"Hey, do you do the whole social media thing?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you'll crack on that too," Rory said gleefully. "Maybe in another ten years, but you'll crack."

"The cab's on its way."

They walked down the stairs, Rory jibing at him and Jess ignoring her.

"I'll see you soon."

"Come to my apartment," Rory said boldly. "We do need to compare."

"Okay," Jess said with a grin. "How about tomorrow?"

"Fine," Rory said, checking her impulse to say that it was too soon. "I'll send you the address."

"Goodnight, Rory."

"Goodnight, Jess."


	19. Chapter 19

**Thank you for the great feedback!**

"So this is me," Rory said with a nervous laugh. It was Saturday afternoon and Jess had just arrived at her door.

"It's nice," he said simply, as she stepped aside and let him in. Rory looked around the room with him, the walls bare aside from her noticeboard and calendar and blushed.

"I haven't done much with the place."

"I like it. Do I get a grand tour?"

"You've basically seen it," Rory said, but she led him through anyway. "There's the bathroom. It has the tiniest shower in the world. You can see the kitchen and this is my room."

Rory pushed open the last door and Jess walked in and sat on the bed.

"Nice."

The room was very small, most of which was taken by her bed. Rory had a desk crammed in the corner by the window and a closet and the other walls were decorated with photos of her with her mother and friends and a big map of the world. There was just enough room for a bookshelf.

"It's pretty tiny."

Rory joined him on the bed, looking around with him and then saw to her horror that the strap from one of her bras was hanging out of her clothes drawer and abruptly she stood up.

"Coffee? I have real."

"How can I say no to that?" Jess asked and Rory smiled nervously and led him out of the room, hastily shoving the bra strap back into the drawer after he had gone.

"So you live here all alone?" Jess asked once Rory had made them both a cup. "Do you like it?"

Rory shrugged, sipping her steaming drink.

"Sometimes," she said. "I've never lived all on my own before – when I worked for the Obama campaign I always roomed with someone – and it's good having the space, plus I don't feel guilty about playing music or being messy. It can get a little lonely though."

"I bet you're a horrible roommate," Jess teased and Rory laughed.

"No worse than you."

"You wouldn't have wanted to live with me when I first lived here. It was just a bunch of guys living on mattresses. There was a girl at one point but she moved out pretty quickly."

"I saw for myself that you've improved," grinned Rory. "So how does mine compare?"

"Not bad," Jess said. "Not enough books though."

"Aha."

Rory marched out of the kitchen and, confused, Jess followed her back into the bedroom where she pulled out drawers from under the bed, stacked three layers deep with novels.

"I've got non-fiction in the lounge," Rory explained, standing back up. "And Miscellaneous in the bathroom – Ayn Rand is in there."

"Best place for her," Jess said seriously and Rory laughed and Jess did too, both for longer than they expected.

"Well, Gilmore, I'm impressed," Jess said. "I will never doubt your reading habits again."

"I'm hurt that you ever did," Rory said and he looked at her, holding her gaze for longer than she anticipated. Rory stared back and then hastily looked down, clearing her throat.

"Our coffee's getting cold."

Jess nodded and they walked back into the kitchen. Jess picked up an old pizza box.

"Eating healthily as ever I see."

Rory went red.

"I work late."

"And you can't cook."

"Well – I can make poptarts," Rory offered feebly and they both laughed.

"You should come to mine for dinner some time. Working in the diner did show me how to cook something without it turning into charcoal."

"I can only dream of making something into charcoal," Rory grinned and Jess chuckled.

"It's a talent."

They lapsed into silence. Rory sat down on the sofa and Jess started flipping through a magazine on the table about electronics which Rory had got free through the door.

"Up to much else this weekend?"

"I have Gigi all day tomorrow," Rory said. "I already feel exhausted."

"I thought you liked seeing her?"

"I do," Rory said guiltily. "She's just very..._lively_. And she likes to talk. A lot."

"And she's your sister?"

"Apparently," Rory said. "She's smart but she hates reading, which kills me inside a little."

"You're positive she's your sister? I'm already training Dula up," Jess said and Rory laughed. "No, I mean it, the other kids in her class are just starting to read stuff with actual sentences and I'm reading her _The Giver_."

"Is that her choice or yours?"

"Hey, it's a good book."

"That answers that question," Rory said, rolling her eyes, but she smiled as Jess sat next to her. "So what are you going to do tomorrow?"

"Not sure. Maybe I'll drive up to see Liz and surprise her."

"Do you guys get along now?" Rory asked and Jess nodded. "I'm really glad."

"We'll probably always have issues," Jess said honestly. "But mostly it's all good now. She's sorted herself out, she's an awesome mom."

"She's got an awesome son," Rory said and Jess smiled self-consciously. "She does."

"I wasn't always that great."

"You are now."

"Stop it, you're making me blush," Jess said but his smile was genuine. Rory leant forward on one elbow and smiled as well, feeling happier than she had in a long time.

"Oh, that reminds me," Jess said suddenly, hastily moving off the sofa. "I brought you something."

"For me?" Rory asked stupidly, getting up and shaking herself as Jess rooted in his bag, bringing out a book.

"For you."

"A new book!" Rory exclaimed, turning it over in her hands. "You never said."

"It was the last thing we published. Hardly anyone's going to read it but I wanted you to have a copy."

"That doesn't matter," Rory said in admiration. It was called _The Green Light._ "I'm so proud of you."

She hugged him on impulse, holding him tightly to her and was able to smell the scent of his shampoo. Jess hesitated and then hugged her back and they both held each other for a moment longer than necessary before Rory let him go, embarrassed. Suddenly she started to giggle.

"What?"

"I could smell your shampoo," she said. "And then I remembered that day at the Winter Carnival where Clara asked if you washed your hair because it never laid flat."

Jess looked confused and then remembered.

"Dean's sister. God, that kid could talk."

"Clara was cute," Rory said fondly. "She's in her twenties now – isn't that insane?"

"Don't make me feel old again," Jess groaned. "So what happened to him?"

"Who?"

"Dean."

"He got married at the end of high school," Rory said and Jess stared. "To someone called Lindsay. They were way too young and it barely lasted."

"I'm shocked," Jess said sarcastically and Rory looked down.

"He tried to get with me once, after he was married."

"You're not serious."

"I wish I wasn't. Anyway, they split up soon after. He got married again a few years ago – I don't know who to – and he moved away."

"Hopefully he won't make a pass at someone else this time," Jess said. "I never liked him."

"I still feel guilty," Rory admitted. "About how it ended between us."

"What, like how he dumped you on a dance floor?"

"Can you blame him? I treated him terribly. He didn't deserve that and he snapped."

"There's a better way to dump someone," Jess argued. "He didn't have to do it in public."

"I guess," Rory said, and she could not help feeling the wave of sadness she always felt when she remembered that night.

"It was a long time ago now," Jess said gently and Rory nodded. "You shouldn't feel guilty."

Suddenly Rory's phone began to ring and they both jumped. Rory picked it up.

"It's Dad," she explained and Jess nodded. "Dad? Can I call you back in a sec?"

"It's okay," Jess said, picking up his jacket. "I should head off. Chris and I are going to see a movie."

"Oh – okay."

"I'll call next week," Jess said and Rory nodded, walking him to the door.

"Congratulations again on the book," she said and he blushed. "I'll put it in one of those bookstores."

"I want you to keep it," he said and they looked at each other, Rory wondering if she should hug him, both hesitating, but Jess instead touched her hand in farewell and left Rory with her phone in her other hand with an odd feeling of discontent.


	20. Chapter 20

**Thank you for the feedback! I apologise for the long length of this chapter.**

Lorelai Gilmore was bored. It was Saturday night and she had nothing to do and nowhere to go and she flung herself down on the sofa, sighing dramatically. It was nights like these that she missed Rory most – someone to talk to about being bored and thinking of something to do together. Lorelai did not for a moment stop feeling proud of her daughter for spreading her wings and achieving all that she had dreamed of, yet she could not help feeling stabs of sadness that she was in New York. Lorelai knew sensibly that it was not far away, not compared to California or even another continent, where Rory had travelled a few years ago, but it was not the same as her being in the next room, ready for her mother to stick her head around the door and cajole her into a trip to Luke's.

Lorelai looked at the phone, contemplating calling Rory, teasing her about Jess, making her open up. Lorelai knew that her daughter was not as calm as she sounded about him stepping back into her life, especially since the kiss in Philadelphia – Lorelai could not believe that she had never heard about the kiss in Philadelphia – but she also knew that there was no better way to make her namesake clam up than by shooting serious questions at her. Lorelai noticed a baby picture of her daughter and smiled sadly to herself. Rory was so grown up, so smart, a woman now, but there were times were she still so young, so teenage about things, this being one of them. Rory did not handle problems like these well, she never knew how to talk about them and she always ended up hurting herself, and usually someone else as well. Lorelai knew that she could hardly judge, it was one of the traits she regretted giving to her, but she wished that Rory would admit it and talk to her. She looked again at the phone, hand hovering over it and then jumped as it started to ring, holding a hand to her heart as she answered.

"Jeez!"

"Is that a hello?" came a chuckle and Lorelai closed her eyes.

"Chris? I thought you might be Rory."

"Because we sound so alike?"

"Funny guy."

Lorelai rolled her eyes as her ex-husband laughed down the line.

"What's up?"

"Not much," Christopher said. "Just checking in, wondering how you were."

"I'm fine."

"How's Rory?"

"She's fine too," Lorelai said, tucking her legs up. "Aren't you seeing her tomorrow? Rory said she was spending tomorrow with Gigi."

"Yeah..." Chris said awkwardly. "She is."

"Chris. What is it?"

"I called her just now and someone was there."

"A guy someone?"

"Well, she sounded annoyed when she called me back."

"Um, Chris, our daughter is twenty-eight. You don't need to call me to let me know there's a guy in her apartment."

"I know I don't – I was just wondering if you knew who it was."

"So you're calling for gossip?" Lorelai grinned and she could tell that Chris would be fiddling with his collar, uncomfortable.

"Well...yeah."

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say that was Jess Mariano."

"Jess Mariano?" Chris echoed. "Why does that name sound so familiar?"

"Chris! That was Rory's teenage love. Don't you remember him?"

"I thought that was Dean?"

"Dean was her first love. She broke up with him over Jess. He moved here and despite him being the biggest jerk in town Rory defended him mercilessly. That's when I knew she had feelings for him – I could tell long before she did."

"And was it serious?"

"Oh, just a little!" Lorelai laughed, not entirely cheerfully. "I never saw Rory so intense about someone and believe me, he was intense back."

"So what happened? I remember her mentioning him now."

"Well," Lorelai said awkwardly. "I don't know if I should tell you this but he left town right after they...let's just say after they were very_ intense_."

"What?" Chris exclaimed. "They had sex? He had sex with my daughter, I'll kill him!"

"Chris, I think you're about ten years too late."

"And you never told me."

"You weren't around," Lorelai said honestly. "It was right when Gigi was born and you were busy raising her, plus we weren't on the best of terms back then. Besides, I don't think Rory would have appreciated me telling you that, even if we were."

"Was Rory hurt?" Chris asked quietly.

"She was devastated."

"I'll still kill him."

"Chris, it was ten years ago."

"So what's going on?" Chris asked angrily. "What's he doing in her apartment?"

"He moved back to New York and they've started seeing each other again, just as friends."

"Oh really? That little jerk."

"Christopher!" Lorelai exclaimed. "Your daughter is a fully grown adult, she doesn't need her daddy charging in and defending her honour!"

"And you're okay with it? You don't want to kill him?"

"I did make a wonderful rip off his parts speech –" Lorelai heard Christopher laugh – "but it was ten years ago. They're adults. It's none of my business."

"You hate him."

"I don't," Lorelai said unconvincingly and Chris laughed.

"You hate him. I know you do."

"I can't say I was wild about him when he was a kid," Lorelai admitted. "But I don't even know him now. He's grown up, I only knew him when he was eighteen. I can't judge him on that."

"I know you, Lor," Chris said. "Rory might be grown up but she's still your kid and you're still the most protective mother I know. You might think you're cool with it now but if something happens you'll turn into a Wolverine."

Lorelai stared at the phone, openmouthed.

"I am offended!"

"You're not denying it."

"I won't deny being protective of Rory," Lorelai said. "But I'm not going to lose my head and tell my daughter who is two years shy of thirty that she can't be friends with her ex-boyfriend because of something he did ten years ago."

"Just wait, Lorelai," Christopher said, laughing. "Just wait."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I know you better than anyone. It means that when Rory brings Jess back that wonderful cool of yours will heat up and you will forget that she's twenty-eight, forget that she's a grown woman and all you'll think about is how he hurt your kid, our kid."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lorelai said irritably. "Who says she'd even bring him back here?"

"She will. If it was as intense as you described –"

"Ten years ago!"

"She didn't sound happy for me interrupting when I called," Christopher said smugly. "And I don't know Rory as well as you but I know when she's mad. And she's our daughter."

"So?"

"So it took us a pretty long time to let go of each other," Christopher said. "Goodnight, Lor."

"Night, Chris," Lorelai said, slightly dumbfounded, and she stared at the phone. She certainly wasn't bored anymore.

"And then he said he likes Karen more than me, but then he said he liked Maggie and then he said he liked me the best!" Gige concluded triumphantly. "Rory? What do you think?"

"Huh?" Rory asked, blinking. Her little sister was staring at her over her glass of chocolate milkshake and Rory tried to look less confused. "This is Geoff, we're talking about, right?"

"No!" Gigi shouted. "We were talking about Geoff last week, it's Ryan now!"

"Oh," Rory said wearily. "Of course."

Gigi Hayden was ten years old and had every boy in her elementary school at her bidding. She had a crush on every one until he actually showed an interest. After he bought her cookies Gigi would mercilessly drop him. She had started this in Kindergarten when she had proudly told Rory about how she had managed to snatch the prime nap spot out of Tyler Brendan's hands.

Rory watched her little sister drink her milkshake. Her hair was still the bright, silky blonde it had been when she was small and she had the same pout she used at the point of throwing a tantrum and she was still, in Rory's opinion, rather spoilt. She wasn't a cruel person though and Rory loved her sister, for her all her bratty moments. There were times when she felt resentful for all the love and attention Christopher poured on Gigi, which he had never done for her, but Rory knew that wasn't Gigi's fault and she missed her mother, despite loudly denying it. One time Rory had slept over at her house and told Gigi about how her mother used to have sleepovers with her sometimes, just for fun, and had woken up in the night to hear her sister crying. Rory tried to see Gigi at least once a month and though she seemed to be going through a cool phase she still hugged her older sister tightly and had held her hand all the way to the milkshake place. It was hard to believe she was ten.

"So what about you, Rory?" Gigi asked, giving her sister the side-eye. "Do you have a boyfriend right now?"

"No," said Rory, trying not sound self-conscious. "Not right now."

"You're lying."

Rory stared at her sister, who was laughing to herself.

"I am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am –"

Rory paused, refusing to let herself get sucked into an _am not/are too_ fight with a ten-year-old.

"Gigi, where did you get the idea that I have a boyfriend?" she asked calmly but started up when Gigi said,

"Daddy," and started sucking her drink loudly through her straw.

"_Dad_?" Rory asked incredulously. "What did Dad say to you?"

"Daddy didn't say anything to me," Gigi said, clearly pleased with herself. "I heard him on the phone. He was talking to your mommy abut some guy called Jess."

"I see," Rory said quietly, thinking of how many ways she could kill her mother. Talking to Dad.

"Who's Jess, Rory?" Gigi asked curiously. "Is he your new boyfriend?"

"No – he's a friend. He's my old boyfriend."

"Your_ old_ boyfriend?"

"I went out with him a long time ago, just after you were born."

Gigi stared at her.

"He must be so old!"

"Gigi!" Rory exclaimed. "He's the same age as me!"

"He's practically thirty," Gigi said, staring at her sister. "That's old."

"And what does that make me?" Rory asked, half annoyed and half amused. "Drink your milkshake," she added hastily, as Gigi cheekily opened her mouth. "I need to get you back soon."

Gigi sighed and finished her milkshake and Rory slowly drank the rest of hers, feeling incredibly annoyed. She was twenty-eight – what business was it of her parents if she was seeing Jess again, especially as they were just friends? She imagined them discussing her over the phone and got more and more angry. How dare her mother discuss her private business, acting like she was still a teenager, and how dare her father give an opinion? He had never even been there when she was growing up, had never even met Jess, and Rory scrunched up her napkin.

"Rory, why are you mad?"

"I'm not mad," Rory lied through gritted teeth and Gigi asked,

"You look like you want to yell. Are you going to shout at Daddy?"

"No," Rory said automatically. "Are you done? I need to drop you off."

"It's too early," Gigi whined. "I want another milkshake!"

Rory took a deep breath and counted to ten.

"Gigi, if you have any more milkshake you'll make yourself sick. We've been out all day, gone shopping for three hours, had icecream and went to a movie – one which makes me seriously question the film of today – and this milkshake was a last minute treat. I know you have studying to do and I need to get you home."

"I don't want to go home," Gigi sulked. "It's just a stupid spelling test."

"Spelling isn't stupid," Rory said, rather too sharply. "Now pick up your stuff and let's go, I'm not asking you again."

Gigi picked up her shopping bags and purse, looking hurt, and Rory felt a little guilty. It wasn't Gigi's fault that her father had been talking about her and she let Gigi choose which music to listen to on the way back, a decision she soon regretted as One Direction filled the car.

After what felt like an interminable car journey the sisters arrived back at Rory's apartment. Christopher hadn't arrived yet and Gigi ran around the apartment before lying full-length on the sofa and sighing.

"I wish I lived here."

"I don't think there's room for two of us."

"I wish I had my own apartment," Gigi said wistfully. "No one would make me study or eat vegetables and I could go to bed whenever I felt like it and get up as late as I wanted."

Rory laughed fondly.

"There are plus points," she said honestly. "But sometimes I miss being a kid. You have to have a job and pay rent and bills and worry about money, things like that. Besides, if you moved out I bet you'd miss your daddy. I miss my mom sometimes."

"He could come visit me," Gigi said airily and Rory laughed again, swinging her sister's legs aside so she could sit next to her.

"Rory?"

"Hm?"

"Who's Jess?"

"You know who Jess is," Rory said, poking her. "I told you when we were having milkshake."

"No, but _who_ is he?" Gigi asked curiously. "You didn't say how you met or how long you went out for or why you broke up or anything."

Rory bit her lip.

"He's Luke's nephew," she said. "Do you know who that is?"

"Is he that guy who runs the diner?"

"That's the one."

"Daddy doesn't like him."

"No – well, anyway, he's Jess's uncle. Jess moved to Stars Hollow because he was having trouble and his mom thought Luke would help him. We were seventeen."

"What kind of trouble?"

"Bad kid stuff," Rory said vaguely. "Skipping school. I don't really know. Anyway, we were friends for a while and I started having feelings for him. It was kind of complicated because I had a boyfriend and I tried to ignore it."

"What happened?"

"Well, that didn't really work out," Rory said. "He noticed and we tried to pretend it wasn't happening but in the end he ended it. I don't blame him. So he dumped me and I started seeing Jess. We dated for a while."

"What happened? Why'd you break up?"

"Um..." Rory bit her lip, wondering what to say. Gigi was looking at her expectantly and Rory decided to go for the PG version.

"We were really young," she said. "And he had a lot of stuff going on which he needed to deal with. He never really talked to me about it and I didn't know how to ask. We weren't that great about sharing feelings, I guess. Anyway, his dad came back to town and he found out he wasn't going to graduate high school and Jess ended up getting a bus to California to see him and didn't tell me."

"That's awful!"

"Yeah, well," Rory said. "It was but we were really young."

"You were seventeen," Gigi said, leaning on her elbow. "That's so grown up, I can't imagine being seventeen."

"It'll happen soon enough."

"Did you love him?" Gigi asked and Rory stared at her, wondering why the question suddenly made her feel so strange.

"I did," she said eventually. "But it was a very long time ago."

Gigi continued to look at her and Rory stood up, feeling embarrassed.

"Come on, kiddo. Your dad's going to be here any minute."

"I wish I could stay here all night."

"You have school in the morning and I could never get you there on time," Rory said and Gigi giggled. "Plus you have that studying to do! You want to graduate high school, don't you?"

"Rory! I haven't even started middle school yet!"

"You have to graduate elementary school then," Rory said. "Call me after your test –I know you can ace it!"

"I wish I had a boyfriend," Gigi said and Rory pulled her hair.

"You could have any of the boys in your class."

"They're all stupid!"

Rory laughed.

"I think you're a little too young anyway."

Gigi grinned and then Rory went to her room and came out with the photo of her and Jess, taken so many years ago.

"Look," she said, sitting back down on the sofa. "That's us."

Gigi peered over her shoulder.

"The photo's fuzzy."

"It was a disposable camera, that happened sometimes. What do you think? Do I look different?"

"You look pretty," Gigi said thoughtfully. "You look happy."

Rory wrapped an arm around her and they looked at it in silence for a while.

"He's got funny hair," Gigi remarked and Rory laughed.

Just then the doorbell rang and Rory answered it. It was her father and his eyes widened at all the shopping bags.

"Rory! What damage have you let her do to my credit card?"

"Daddy, I bought three dresses!" Gigi exclaimed. "And a shirt and sunglasses and a purse!"

Christopher groaned in a resigned manner.

"Thank your sister and then get ready to go."

"I need the bathroom," Gigi said and she ran away, leaving Rory and her father in the middle of the room.

"Quite a haul," Christopher said with an awkward laugh, starting to pick up some of the bags. "No wonder they say daughters are harder!"

Rory didn't say anything.

"Thanks for taking her today," Christopher said, after a moment's hesitation. "She obviously had a wonderful time."

"She had a lot of sugar," Rory said coldly. "Just to warn you now."

"Rory? Are you mad at me?"

"How dare you talk about me with Mom?" Rory snapped, dropping the pretence. "It is none of your business who I see or what I do, especially as you were never there growing up!"

"Rory!" Christopher exclaimed. "What are you talking about?"

"Jess!" Rory shouted. "I know you were talking about him with Mom!"

"Yes, but –"

"It is none of your business," Rory said furiously. "We're just friends and even if we weren't, I'm not a teenager, I'm twenty-eight. You don't get to do the parental concern thing!"

"Rory, for heaven's sake! I was just asking about you! It's not as if your mom called me to tell me about that! We weren't conspiring or something and you have no right to talk to me like that! I don't care who you go out with as long as he treats you properly, okay? I'm well aware that you don't need my opinion. Sorry for showing an interest in your life."

Rory folded her arms and looked away from her father's angry stare, knowing she should apologise but not feeling able. The bathroom door opened and Gigi came out, taking in the scene and grinning.

"Did you yell at Daddy?"

"Gigi, let's go," Christopher said automatically, not looking away and Gigi sat down on the sofa.

"Can't I stay a little longer?"

"Georgia!" Christopher shouted, losing his temper. "I have had just about enough. Get in the car and stop complaining or I'll return everything you bought. Now!"

Gigi burst into tears and pushed past her father, not saying goodbye to Rory. Christopher closed his eyes and groaned.

"That was a little harsh," Rory said quietly and Christopher snapped,

"Thank you, Miss I Don't Need Your Concern. Get back to me when you have a kid."

"Dad!"

"I'll call when we get back," Christopher said. "Thanks for looking after her."

"You're welcome," Rory said and her father nodded, not moving to hug her, and left, loudly shutting the door. Rory turned on the television, trying not to cry, and wished her sister could have stayed as well. She wondered if she would ever work things out with her father, ever have a good relationship with him again and felt that she knew the answer. Rory swallowed tears and reached for the phone.


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory punched numbers into the phone, bleary through her tears and put it to her ear. It rang and rang and then she heard the reassuring_ click_.

"Hello?"

"Jess," Rory sobbed. "It's me."

"Rory? What is it, what's wrong?"

Rory tried to speak but instead broke into more sobs.

"What's _wrong_?" Jess insisted desperately and Rory started to say,

"It's..." before breaking into more tears.

"Are you at your apartment?" Jess asked and Rory managed to say that she was. "Stay there, I'm coming over."

"Okay," Rory sniffled and she hung up, feeling a little stupid but relieved that he was coming. Dimly she thought that maybe she should change but couldn't think of what to wear and so instead went and splashed some water over her face, knowing she had to look a mess. The water didn't do a great deal of help, confirmed when Rory opened the door.

"Jesus, Rory. What happened?"

Rory didn't say anything but flung her arms around his neck, starting to cry again. Jess held her gently until finally Rory pulled away, wiping her eyes and sniffling.

"What's wrong, Rory?" Jess asked, leading her over to the sofa and sitting down. "Can you talk about it?"

"It's stupid," Rory sobbed and Jess said,

"It can't be that stupid if it's got you that upset. Is it work? Your mom?"

Rory shook her head, nodded and shook it again and Jess said,

"That doesn't really narrow it down for me," and took her hand.

"It was my dad," Rory said. "Talking about me with my mom."

"Okay," Jess said, sounding confused. "What were they saying?"

"They were talking about me seeing you again," Rory said, looking away. She felt her cheeks go hot.

"Saying what?"

"I don't know," Rory sniffled. "It just made me angry."

Jess paused and let Rory finish crying. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I know you don't get why I'm so upset," she said, looking at him and he said honestly,

"I'm a little lost but you haven't said a lot yet. Is it because your mom and I were never best friends?"

"No," Rory said miserably. "I guess it was because my dad was discussing me."

"You have to give me more than that, Rory."

"My dad has never been around," Rory said after a pause. "I mean, more than your dad was but when I was a kid he was more like a fun uncle than a father. I didn't used to mind but as I got older I felt hurt by it and it started to make me angry when he'd play the dad card. Anyway, I found out he was talking about me seeing you with my mom and I lost my temper when he came to pick Gigi up and we had a fight. I think I was a real jerk."

Rory sounded as miserable as she felt and Jess put an arm around her as tears started to fall back down her face.

"And I know we'll forget about it," she sobbed. "But I hate that it's like that between us. I hate that one of us always screws up and we don't talk or there's just weird politeness. It never used to be that way and I can never get it back to how it was. I mean, I know that it was only that way because I was a kid and I can't just worship him like when I was little, but I miss us just being happy together. And I hate that I blew up at him but I also hate that he called my mother and they discussed me behind my back and it was probably nothing, they didn't say much, but I just felt so angry, like they were treating me like a teenager, only he was never there when I was."

Jess didn't say anything but let Rory cry it out.

"And it's all such a mess," she said, hiccupping over her words. "And I just had to talk to someone, see someone, and I don't even know anyone here, not really, so I called you and made you think that something awful had happened and I'm so sorry, Jess, I'm such an idiot and –"

"Rory," Jess said, making her look up. "You're not an idiot. It's okay."

"I made you come all the way over!"

"It's fine. I can stay as long as you want me to."

"I ruined your whole evening."

"You didn't ruin anything. Do you want to know what I was doing? Seeing who could make the biggest pile of pens with Chris, no, I'm serious."

Rory started laughing and wiped at her eyes again.

"Thank you. Oh God, I must look such a mess."

"You look like someone who's been crying," Jess said, giving her a crooked grin, and Rory went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

"Oh, my God!"

Her face was pink with bright red blotches, her eyes bloodshot and her cheeks puffy, mascara running in black rivulets away from her eyes.

"It's like something out of _Evil Dead_," Rory moaned and she heard Jess laugh as she washed her face, rubbed in moisturiser and reapplied some of her makeup. She took a deep breath and walked back out, managing to smile.

"Do I look less like someone who's been crying now?"

"Like you've never spilt a tear," Jess said and Rory grinned, sitting back down.

"I'm glad."

"What do you think they said about us?" Jess asked suddenly and Rory looked at him blankly before understanding.

"I don't know. Dad said he was asking, but I don't know if that was because Mom said something or if he knew I was seeing you somehow. Mom probably just told him we used to see each other in high school."

"Why does it bother you so much?" Jess asked and Rory flushed.

"I don't know. I don't think it would have bothered me if it was Mom talking about it with someone else, I guess it's because it's Dad. I don't like that he was asking – he never even knew you – and was talking about me. I think I overreacted but it's because it's him. It just infuriates me when he decided when he wants to be a dad."

Jess nodded understandingly and Rory sighed.

"There's no one else in my life who I feel more angry at than my dad," Rory said, staring straight ahead. "And I don't hate him – I never hated him, even when I wanted to – and that's what made it worse."

"I guess we have that in common," Jess said quietly. "Growing up without fathers."

Rory looked at him. She had never even thought about that before.

"Did you ever hate Jimmy?"

Jess shook his head.

"Mostly felt indifference. He was never there. Didn't even stick around to hold me when I was born."

"That sucks, Jess," Rory said, feeling hurt on his behalf. "And that sounds really lame and obvious but it does."

Jess shrugged.

"It was easier than him walking out when I could remember him. Sometimes I got mad at him, when I was a little kid and I'd see all the other kids at school playing with their dads and all I'd have was one of Liz's losers who'd be gone in a week's time but then I'd think, he'd be no different. It would still be one of Liz's losers, just there full time."

"Jess."

"He was never a father to me," Jess said. There was no sadness in his voice, just pure honesty. "He just donated some DNA. I don't hate Jimmy, I'm glad he's got it together, but I've never thought of him as my dad."

"You went to see him."

"Only because he showed up. I had a little curiosity, after all."

Rory didn't know what to say and they sat in silence for a while.

"It's so complicated with Dad," she said eventually. "He would just jump in and out of our lives, back and forth, none-stop, ever since I could remember. He would just show up on his motorcycle with gifts for us and it felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest, I was so happy. I never understood why Mom wasn't as happy as me to see him. He would spoil me rotten all weekend, telling me how proud he was to have such a smart little girl, and then two days later he'd be gone. He'd call a lot but he only ever came back every few months or so."

"Did you hate him then?"

"No," Rory said slowly, shaking her head. "I wasn't even slightly mad. I'd be sad when he left but Mom always said he was busy and couldn't stay. I feel mad when I look back, thinking about how Mom had to do it all on her own, but I didn't think that way when I was a kid. I knew they were younger than my friends' parents but they were just Mom and Dad to me. I just thought of them as grown-ups and now – well, my earliest memory of Dad seeing me was when I was three or four and he would have only been nineteen, twenty at the most."

"I don't remember you ever talking about your dad when you were with me," Jess said. "Apart from when Gigi was born, I don't remember you ever mentioning him."

Rory sighed.

"That was right after our huge fight," she said. "Right after he let us down in the biggest way possible and I decided that was it. That was the moment when I decided to stop being a little kid and waiting around for my daddy to grow up and come back to us. I think I realised it was always going to be complicated."

"What happened?"

"His girlfriend got pregnant," Rory said. "Right after he got his life on track, right when he started to fall back in love with Mom his girlfriend found out she was pregnant, and Dad decided that he couldn't let down this kid like he'd let me down."

"Is that so bad?" Jess asked carefully and Rory unwillingly shook her head.

"No. I'm glad he stayed to look after Gigi, especially since her mom left, but I didn't really see it that way then. I just thought of it as him letting us down again, like he always did, and that it wouldn't work out with this other woman. It didn't, I was right about that."

"Did you see your dad much after that?"

"I didn't want to. He did but I pushed him away. I was there when Gigi was born, and we talked a little on the phone, but other than that I think I saw him three times in two years. He didn't even come to my graduation. And I wanted to hate him, and I tried to tell myself I did, but I didn't underneath, and then one day he just showed up at Yale, saying he wanted us to have a relationship again because he didn't with his dad, who was sick, and I was just so cold. And then that night I found out his dad had died and I felt like the worst person on the planet – I still feel bad – and I went to see him. We talked some things out and things got a little better."

"Are you okay with him now?"

Rory made a face.

"Sort of. It's never going to be easy between us like when I was little but I can see him and not get into a fight, even tonight's not the greatest example. We can have fun together but he's still the person I get most mad at. Maybe it isn't fair but I just think back to how he was never there as a father when I was little, he was more like a playmate, and I get so angry when he tries to tell me how to live my life, even if that's not what he's really doing. He'd always turn up saying he wanted us to be a real family and of course it never came to anything."

"Would you like him to try with your mom again?" Jess asked and Rory firmly shook her head.

"They're bad for each other. Mom knows it and he knows it too, underneath. She was right not to try again when they were younger, right not to marry him when she got pregnant. God, what a mess that would have been. It was a mess when they did try being married and that was when they'd stopped being kids."

"You might not have turned out the same way if they had."

"Is that good or bad?" Rory asked and he looked straight into her eyes.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know," Rory said softly and he reached out and touched her face.

"You eyes are so blue."

Rory smiled and he started to lean towards her. Rory felt her heart thump and she started to move slowly towards him, closing her eyes, when suddenly a phone buzzed and they both jumped.

"Sorry," Jess said and Rory nodded, hastily moving away and standing up.

"Hey Liz," Jess said impatiently. "Yes, I got back fine. I didn't think you were expecting me to call. Of course I'm not dead!" he said impatiently. "If I don't call the second I get back it's because I'm crappy with my phone, not because I'm dead. Yes, I know that's why I should actually use it. What? I'm at Rory's place. She asked me to come over. No, Liz, it's nothing like that, God. How's Dula? Does she like the book I gave her?"

Rory sighed and sat back on the cushions, waiting for him to finish his call. Jess hung up and groaned.

"Sorry. I should have checked to see who it was."

"It's fine," Rory said, giving him an awkward smile. "How is she?"

"She's Liz," Jess said and Rory laughed, Jess sounding exactly like Luke in that moment. "She's nutty, but she's fine."

"Great," Rory said and she stood up, feeling suddenly shy. "Thanks so much for coming over."

"Hey, it's no big deal."

"I'm sorry I made you come all this way," Rory said bashfully. "Just to hear me offload about my dad."

"Rory, would you quit apologising? You needed to talk to someone."

Rory nodded and sighed.

"I need to talk to my dad," she said regretfully. "And my mom as well. That's going to be a fun conversation."

"Do you want me stay a little longer?" Jess asked. "Big plans tonight are video games."

Rory laughed and shook her head, her hair spilling out over her shoulders.

"No, it's okay. I think I'm going to take a shower and watch a movie. I'm tired."

"Call me if you need to talk anymore," Jess said seriously and Rory nodded, walking with him to the door. They hugged awkwardly and Rory waved as he walked down the hall, noticing the way his hair curled at his ears and brushed at the collar, longer in a way that she liked. She watched until he had rounded the corner and was out of sight.

Rory sighed and shut the door, stripping and turning on the shower. She spent longer inside than she needed, soaping her body and not moving even when the weak water ran cooler than lukewarm, her mind caught on the moment when he had looked at her in that way just before, saying that her eyes were so blue. Had there been a moment? Had she imagined it? Rory paused in her washing and leant against the wall and imagined what would have happened without Liz's call. Rory closed her eyes and could not help agreeing on Jess's old philosophy on cell phones - they always interrupted the most important of moments.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The following week passed quickly. Jess called Rory the very next night but they were both terribly busy, extra projects at work, leaving parties and special dinners and neither had one evening free at all. Suddenly it was Friday and Rory was driving along the interstate, exhausted and not in the mood to see her grandparents, which made her feel guilty as she did not see them as often as in the past.

Rory supposed it would be awkward seeing her mother as well. She had called her father and apologised and made up, in as far as they ever did, but had barely spoken to Lorelai. She knew the conversation would be tougher than that with her father and so had put it off, and now it was Friday and she was pulling into Hartford. Rory steered her way along the streets which were familiar and alien all at once and found the turning to her grandparents' house, twice the size of her mother's. As Rory parked the car she saw her mother's jeep and laughed as she saw her mother leaning against the side drinking coffee from a flask and staring at the sky.

"Are you wishing on a star?"

Lorelai jumped and then grinned to see her daughter, giving her a hug.

"Wishing for you to arrive! I didn't want to go in there on my own. How was the drive?"

"Fine," Rory said simply and her mother looked at her curiously.

"I've tried to get hold of you all week."

Rory shrugged.

"I've been busy."

"Okay," Lorelai said doubtfully and noticed her daughter look away. "Rory? What's up?"

"I had a fight with Dad," Rory admitted and Lorelai's eyes widened. "Because you told him about Jess. Why did you do that, Mom?"

"What did he say to you?" Lorelai exclaimed. "I told him not to go in there defending your honour!"

"You what?" Rory demanded. "You told him we had sex?! Why the hell did you do that?"

"He was asking about you," Lorelai said weakly and Rory snapped,

"So you thought it was prime time to let him know when his daughter lost her virginity?"

"Rory!"

"That was my business, Mom," Rory said sharply. "You had no right to go gossiping about me to Dad!"

Rory folded her arms and looked away. Lorelai looked like she was going to cry.

"Rory, I am so sorry. I wasn't trying to go behind your back. He called asking who the guy was when he called you and could hear Jess, and I said it was him and he didn't remember who it was. I explained and that was it. I didn't expect him to be all fatherly to you about it."

"He didn't," Rory admitted. "Gigi overheard and told me."

Lorelai groaned.

"The ears on that kid."

Neither of them said anything for a moment and then Lorelai put her hands on her daughter's shoulders.

"Rory, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have told your dad without okaying it with you but I didn't think it would upset you this much. I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"It's okay Mom," Rory said and she pulled Lorelai into a hug. "I'm sorry. I made a big deal about nothing."

"No, you didn't. I'd be mad if Emily called Richard and told him about...oh, I don't know, the time I hid Christopher in my closet."

Rory stared at her and started laughing.

"When was that?"

"I was fifteen, but that's a story for another time. It's ten minutes to seven and if we aren't there on the dot Emily's going to come out and hear the story for herself.

"What story?" came Emily's voice itself and they both jumped. "I don't believe I've heard it."

"Mom!" Lorelai exclaimed. "What are you doing out here?"

"Well, I could hear voices and when I looked out of the window I could see you both chatting away endlessly so I thought I'd see what the fuss was."

"How much did you hear, Mom?"

"Something about a closet," Emily said vaguely and Lorelai's cheeks went red. "Now come on you two, your grandfather's getting the drinks ready."

They followed Emily into the house where Richard was preparing the drinks.

"Wine all round?" he asked and they nodded. Emily walked up and poked him on the shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for, Emily?"

"Rory's here," she said in exasperation. "Your granddaughter, whom you barely see these days, has just arrived and you're fiddling around with wine glasses!"

"You said to get the drinks ready," Richard started to protest but shut up at his wife's glare. He turned and looked at Rory and smiled, going and giving her a hug.

"Rory, you look splendid."

"Thanks, Grandpa," Rory said and blushed when Emily said,

"I just love that colour on you."

Rory wore a long, pale blue dress with short sleeves and a lilac cardigan and she crossed her arms self-consciously.

"You look nice too, Lorelai," Lorelai cut in sarcastically from the corner. "Is that a new dress?"

"Drink your wine and stop talking like a five-year-old," Emily said waspishly. "I want to hear all of Rory's news."

Pre-dinner drinks was taken up all by talk of Rory's work, which involved a new double-project on Obama's second term and impact on New Yorkers.

"I love it," Rory said. "But it's exhausting."

"I'm sure you're doing a fine job," Richard said proudly. "Nothing better than a job well done."

"Richard, I do wish you'd take a break," Emily cut in desperately. "You've worked far too much, you're nearly seventy."

"Oh, nonsense Emily!"

A maid came into the room, announcing dinner. They ate salad, talk moving to the Dragonfly, and by the time they moved onto the main course the subject was exhausted.

"What's this, Grandma?" Rory asked in delight. "Braised lamb shank?"

"Well, it's your favourite," Emily said, thrilled at Rory's smile. "Now tell me. What's new in your personal life?"

Rory had just taken a large bite of lamb and hesitated about talking about Jess, but as she swallowed Richard said,

"You'll never believe it."

"Never believe what?"

"About Logan Huntzberger."

Rory stopped and stared and Emily said impatiently,

"Well, what about him?"

"He's getting divorced."

"No!" Emily exclaimed and Rory put her fork down. "Why?"

Logan had got married a few years ago to a woman much younger than himself, much to her grandmother's dismay, and she leant forward gleefully as Richard said,

"Well, there was that story."

"You don't mean -?" Richard nodded and Emily sat back smugly. "Of course."

"What story, Mom?"

"It's not nice to spread rumours," Emily said, grinning from ear to ear and Lorelai sighed impatiently.

"But you want to. Go on Mom, I promise not to spread it at the inn."

"There was that terrible kerfuffle a few years ago," Emily said in a hushed voice. "Where his marriage was in trouble. That woman showed up, saying she was pregnant with his child! Well, it wasn't a huge surprise, it was an open secret that he was unfaithful, but he gave her some money to shut her up and then it seemed to die down but last month she arrived at his house out of the blue, completely unannounced with a child in tow which she said was his!"

There was a sudden silence and Richard asked,

"What happened?"

"Logan was furious. He'd given her the money so she'd either get rid of it or pretend the father was someone else and then she showed up on his doorstep saying she needed money and her boyfriend had left her. They say Candance threw him out."

"Good for her," Richard said in admiration. "I would never have guessed she had it in her."

"It's definitely over between them," Emily said happily and Lorelai asked,

"So what's going to happen, you know, with the kid?"

"Oh, he'll give her some money," Emily said airily. "It will all get smoothed over, I dare say it will be forgotten about in a few months' time. More potato, Rory?"

Rory stared at her grandmother. There was a dull ringing in her ears and she could no longer taste the lamb. Slowly, she shook her head.

"We'll clear the plates then," Emily said briskly. "I'm sorry Rory, we forgot to ask what was new with you."

"Oh," Rory said dully. "Nothing new. Nothing out of the ordinary."

Emily nodded in satisfaction and started to talk about the dessert. Lorelai looked at her curiously but didn't say anything.

After what felt like a never ending evening Rory slowly walked outside and leant against her car, taking in deep breaths of the evening air. It was cold but she welcomed the sharpness of it. It felt like it was waking her up.

"Hey," Lorelai said gently. "You okay? That must have been hard to hear."

Rory nodded and then shook her head and then laughed.

"I just couldn't help imagining," she said shakily. "Me in Candace's place."

"Oh, Rory."

"It would have been the same," she said miserably. "I know it."

"Not necessarily."

"I hope I wouldn't just be able to ignore him having a mistress," Rory said. "And especially not him knocking her up, but...God, Mom. Imagine if we'd got married."

"You didn't," Lorelai said firmly. "Don't do that to yourself, Rory. You made the right choice."

"I nearly didn't," Rory said, feeling tears well up behind her eyes. "And that scares me."

Lorelai didn't say anything but hugged her daughter tightly.

"Hey," she said. "Why didn't you tell them about Jess?"

"Do you think they'd have enjoyed hearing about him being back in my life?" Rory asked. "He hardly made a stellar impression and Grandma won't care how many years ago it was. I just couldn't face talking about it, especially after that charming piece of news."

"I get that," Lorelai said softly and Rory sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"I should get back, it's a long drive."

"Stay at mine tonight," Lorelai said, taking her hand. "I don't want you driving all the way back to New York when you're tired and upset."

"Are you sure?"

"You don't need to ask. Come on, let's go home and I'll draw you a bath."

Gratefully Rory slid behind the wheel of her car and drove home, back to Stars Hollow, back to the place of her childhood. Lorelai drew her a bath as promised and Rory went to bed early, glad to be tucked up in her girlhood bed and not all alone in New York. Thoughts of New York brought her to thoughts of Jess and for all her exhaustion it took her a long time to drop off to sleep. She kept remembering that night, back when she was with Logan and not in Yale and Jess had come to see her, and the way he had looked at her, almost as though she were a stranger, asking desperately, "What's going on with _you_?" And Rory hadn't had an answer.

The next morning Rory woke up to sun streaming through her curtains and for a moment lay there confused, wondering where she was, before remembering and happily got up, finding Lorelai putting all kinds of breakfast cereal on the table.

"What's this?"

"Breakfast for my baby girl! I can't cook so it has to be cereal."

Rory laughed and sat down, pouring some into her bowl and Lorelai sat opposite her.

"Have you seen Jess lately? I didn't get to talk to you last night."

"I spoke to him a few times this week," Rory said, digging into her cereal. "And I saw him last week."

"Oh yeah?"

Rory looked up and saw her mother smiling and suddenly felt guilty. If she told her about him coming to see her after the fight with her father Lorelai would ask why she hadn't called her, and then she would get upset and then there was the moment...had it been a moment? Rory wasn't even sure herself and simply said,

"He just came to see my place."

Lorelai gave her a nudge.

"I'm sure. Any plans for today?"

"I'm going to see Lane," Rory said, finishing her cereal and standing up. "I haven't seen her in the longest time."

Lane had stayed in Stars Hollow and did not live far from her mother's store where she had grown up. The twins were nearly six and in addition Lane had given birth to a daughter three years earlier, whom she had named Nico, after someone who had sung with Velvet Underground. Mrs Kim had disapproved of this and Lane had lied and told her it was also the name of an obscure saint, which seemed to settle the matter. Rory never knew if Mrs Kim believed her or simply wished to keep the peace and as she walked up to Lane's house she saw Nico running around the yard being chased by her brothers, Lane laughing at them all and Zach strumming a guitar behind them.

"Hey guys!" Rory called and Lane looked up and ran towards her.

"Rory!"

Rory gratefully hugged her best friend before stepping back and smiling.

"You look fantastic."

"So do you, Ms New York!"

Before Rory could reply three very small bodies suddenly threw themselves upon her, nearly causing her to topple over.

"Whoa!"

"Guys!" Lane shouted. "One at a time!"

The children stepped back and Rory grinned at them all. Steve ad Kwan were two balls of energy, constantly on the go and exhausting Lane while Nico was more quiet, her short black hair and glasses framing her face. She looked like a little owl.

"I brought presents," Rory said, delving into her bag and the kids erupted again as she handed them out.

"Guys! What have I told you about saying thank you?!"

"Thanks, Rory," they chorused and ran to their father to show them what they'd got. Lane led Rory indoors.

"So what brings on this flying visit?" Lane asked, making coffee. "Not that I'm not glad to see you."

Rory sighed.

"I went to my grandparents' last night," she said, sitting at the table. "And they told me Logan Huntzberger is getting divorced because his mistress showed up with his kid."

Lane stared at her, handing her a cup and then quickly got up and found a packet of chocolate cookies in a cupboard, opening them and giving one to Rory and one for herself.

"Go on."

"And it was so awful to hear," Rory said. "I just kept imagining that being me, if I'd got married."

"Rory."

"I know I shouldn't think like that," Rory said, breaking off part of the cookie and biting into it. "But I can't help it."

"I know," Lane said gently. "But that was so long ago now. Your life is totally different."

"I can't imagine it if I had got married," Rory said with a shaky laugh. "No, I can. I wouldn't have a career, I'd be some corporate wife."

"You don't know that."

"No, I do," Rory said firmly. "And if I did have a career it'd be some offshoot of his."

Lane looked at her sadly and Rory put the cookie down.

"And you know what else made me mad? Grandma was thrilled. She was so happy that his marriage was over because it means he can try again with me."

"Did she say that?"

"She didn't have to. God, it made me sick."

Rory angrily drank some coffee and then flushed.

"Sorry. All I'm doing is ranting."

"I'm your best friend, I'm here for you to rant!"

"I don't want to rant anymore," Rory said, feeling suddenly tired and Lane put her cup down.

"Hey! What's going on with Jess? Are you still seeing him? I know you went for coffee, but what else?"

"I've seen him since," Rory said awkwardly, knowing she was going pink and Lane laughed.

"Rory Gilmore, you're blushing! Has something happened?"

"I don't know," Rory said shyly. "He came over on Sunday night because I was upset. I'd had a fight with Dad because Mom told him about Jess and I just needed to talk to someone, so I called him and he came and let me just cry about it and then...I think there was a moment."

"A _moment_?"

"I think he was going to kiss me," Rory said, looking down at her cup. "He said I might not be the same person if Mom had married Dad, and he looked into my eyes and said they were really blue. He started to move towards me and I closed my eyes but then his phone rang and that ruined it, but I don't know, Lane. Do you think I just imagined it?"

Lane started laughing and Rory glared at her.

"What?"

"You're so funny, Rory. You went to Yale, worked on two Obama campaigns but sometimes it's like you're still sixteen."

"It's obvious?" Rory asked and Lane said,

"I'm hardly a relationship expert but someone who had spent their whole life in a cave could tell you that was a moment."

"But what if I imagined it?" Rory asked desperately and Lane grinned at her.

"I know you didn't. He was definitely doing more than just commenting on your eye colour."

Rory couldn't help smiling in spite of herself and clutched her cup.

"But it's _Jess_," she said eventually. "We have such a history, it's been so long since we've been friendly with each other and the last time we went out it didn't end so well."

"Rory, that was when you were eighteen!"

"I saw him in Philadelphia," Rory said after a pause. "We kissed."

Lane stared at her.

"When?"

"Right before the twins were born."

"And you never told me?"

"I'm sorry, Lane," Rory said, looking up at her. "I was such a mess. It was all for the wrong reasons. I felt like a horrible person and I was just so ashamed that I never told anyone. I only told Lorelai the other day."

Lane nodded and Rory sighed.

"I don't want to wreck it. I don't even know if I should go there."

"You don't know if you don't try," Lane said after a pause. "And if you still have feelings for each other all this time later I think it says something."

"Do you think?" Rory asked shyly and Lane nodded. "What if he has a girlfriend?"

"Has he said anything to you?"

"No, but –" Rory blushed and Lane looked at her curiously. "I went to his apartment and the wind messed up my hair. I opened his medicine cabinet to see if there was a brush and there was an open box of condoms. I don't know if they were his or his roommate's but when he knocked on the door I spilt them everywhere!"

Lane burst into laughter and Rory did too, able to laugh about it now that some time had passed.

"Oh wow. Did he hear?"

"God, I hope not."

"He doesn't have a girlfriend," Lane said confidently and Rory looked at her.

"How do you know?"

"Because he would have told you. I just know, okay?"

"Okay," Rory said and then a small voice said,

"Mommy, can I have a cookie?"

Rory and Lane jumped to see Kwan standing in the corner sucking his thumb.

"Sure," Lane said, fetching him one, and as he took it he looked Rory curiously.

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"What's a condom?"


	23. Chapter 23

**Thank you for the feedback and apologies for getting Rory's favourite food wrong! I have to credit Jess's reaction to Logan's style of proposal to the great fic I'd Rather Be In Philadelphia – I thought it was very fitting so had similar dialogue here, I hope the author doesn't mind!**

The drive back to New York was fairly quick, aside from the small spells of traffic and when Rory got back she took a long shower, sighing at the cool water after the long drive. She changed into jeans and a light, floaty top, too summery for the weather but Rory figured she could put on a sweater if she got cold.

After making herself some dinner and watching an inane game show Rory felt at a loss. She picked up Ayn Rand but couldn't get into it and finally put it down, giving up. _Well yeah,_ she imagined Jess saying. _She's a political nutjob._

Rory grinned and, on a whim, grabbed her keys and jacket and marched out of the apartment, deciding to surprise him. She knew it would make more sense to call but Rory wanted to surprise Jess, to see the look on his face and she made her way to his place, not even minding the cold.

Rory was just getting ready to put her finger on the buzzer when an elderly man stepped out of the building.

"Do you need to go in, dear?"

"Yes," Rory admitted, wondering if it was wrong to go in without checking, but the man held the door open for her and Rory ran up the stairs and rapped smartly on the door.

For a moment no one answered and Rory began to worry, wondering if no one was there, and was just turning to head back, feeling rather foolish when the door opened and Jess stood there in a towel.

"Hi," Rory spluttered. "Sorry."

"Rory?" Jess frowned, stepping aside so she could come in. "Did we make plans?"

"No – I just thought I'd come and say hi, but it was rude, I should have called –"

"It's fine," Jess said, laughing and Rory averted her gaze.

"Sorry."

"Nothing you haven't seen before," Jess said with a crooked grin and Rory looked up, trying not to blush. He laughed and went towards his room.

"I'll be back in a sec."

Rory sat on the sofa, feeling like a moron. Why was it always when she tried to be impulsive that it ended in embarrassment, every single time? The cautious route was always safer and Rory sighed, picking up a magazine which had been left on the table about computers.

Jess emerged a few minutes later in jeans and a Beats T-shirt.

"How's the magazine?"

"Like watching paint dry. I tried to read some Ayn Rand before but couldn't get into it."

"I'd take a computer magazine any time over that," Jess said fervently. "How can you read her crap?"

"It's interesting," Rory protested. "Even if I don't agree with it."

"If you say so," Jess said, going to the fridge and handing her a beer before sitting next to her. "So what's up?"

"I just got back from Stars Hollow."

"I thought you went there last week?"

"I went to see Grandma and ended up staying over at Mom's."

"How was it?" Jess asked and Rory shook her head, making him laugh. "That bad?"

"Worse. You don't know how lucky you are not to have family obligations."

"That one dinner I went to showed that."

"It might not have been so bad if you hadn't showed up half an hour late with a black eye," Rory flared up and Jess put his hands up.

"I know, I'm sorry. From the way you described them they sounded like they'd be just as bad either way though."

"True," Rory admitted, taking a drink of beer and looking around the apartment. "Chris isn't here?"

"He's at his girlfriend's," Jess said and then looked at Rory curiously. "Why are you smiling like that?"

"I'm not smiling," Rory lied, hiding her face in the bottle and turning away and Jess frowned but didn't push it.

"So what's new with Emily and Richard?" he asked and Rory groaned.

"You remember Logan, don't you? Stupid question," she added, seeing his expression. "Well, his marriage fell apart after his not so secret mistress showed up with his love child who he'd paid to keep quiet."

Jess whistled through his teeth.

"That guy's a charmer."

"Don't I know it," Rory said, glad to be drinking alcohol. "God, to think I nearly married him."

"When did he get married?"

"A few years ago," Rory said, thinking back, and Jess asked,

"Were you invited?"

"Yes."

"Did you go?"

"No," Rory said and he looked pleased. "I couldn't because I had overseas work but I was glad to have an excuse. It was in the papers so I saw about it anyway, Grandma actually kept a copy. She was driving me insane at dinner – she didn't say it but I just know she was thinking we could try again."

Jess coughed and Rory said hastily,

"You know I think that's bad, right?"

"You were in love with him when I last saw you," Jess said and Rory looked down, feeling like she wanted to cry.

"I was. I'm not now. I haven't loved him for a long time."

"Good," Jess said forcefully. "You deserve so much better. I never understood why you loved him. We always made fun of jerks like that."

"Can I ask you something?" Rory asked curiously. "Why did you hate Logan so much? I know it was more than just that drink. You didn't even know about the other stuff then."

"Isn't it obvious, Rory?" Jess asked and Rory said,

"Clearly it isn't."

Jess sighed and Rory folded her arms.

"It was the way he treated you," he said eventually. "Not the cheating thing, though that's obviously not in his favour."

"What do you mean?"

"It was because he saw you as some kind of _doll_," Jess said in disgust. "He just saw you as something pretty on his arm, something to dress up."

"That's not fair," Rory said hotly. "We met because of the paper – he always read my articles."

"Yeah, and I bet he patted you on the head and told you what a clever little girl you were."

"He knew I was smart, he liked that about me."

"I'm sure he liked having an intelligent girlfriend to boast about. He wouldn't spend money on someone just to sleep with."

Rory bit her lip but didn't say anything.

"I could just see how it was," Jess continued. "He'd do something to upset you and then buy you something expensive to make it up. He'd try and shut you up with earrings or necklaces or something."

Rory couldn't contradict him. She remembered the expensive bag, the coffee cart and whirlwind trips, the bigger the fight, the bigger the gift.

"That bastard cheated on you," Jess said. "How could you take him back?"

"In his mind it wasn't cheating," Rory said and Jess stared at her. "He thought we'd broken up."

"How long was this supposed break-up?"

"A few weeks," Rory said bitterly. "I know how stupid I sound. Even at the time I knew it but I loved him."

"I know," Jess said quietly. "I remember."

"And he seemed sorry," Rory said miserably. "And I just loved him so much. I remember afterwards, when I said I'd forgiven him, lying there next to him in bed and it was almost like I was looking at myself, if that doesn't sound too weird. It was like I was asking myself what I was doing, why I was letting it go when I would never have put up with before but I just ignored it. I tried to, anyway."

"Why?" Jess asked and Rory looked away. "The Rory I knew would never have let it go."

"I don't know, Jess! I was in a bad place. I'd just gotten back to Yale, just got back on my feet and Logan had been there with me all that time. I loved him and I guess I wasn't brave enough to break it off. No one knew it but I was so scared that year. I couldn't face losing him after it all."

"Rory."

"Look, I know I was dumb, okay," Rory said in a wobbly voice. "I don't need you to remind me."

"I wasn't trying to say that. He was the jerk. He shouldn't have even dared to ask you back."

"He did love me," Rory said unhappily. "He wanted me to marry him."

"He didn't seem to love the idea of you having a career first."

"It is a long time to wait," Rory argued, though she couldn't help remembering how fine Logan had been with her taking time from Yale, organising tea parties and luncheons, going out and partying rather than working on the paper. "We couldn't have worked together."

"If he loved you that much he could have waited for a better time to get married. What was the rush?"

"He really wanted me to be his wife. He even asked Mom first."

"He –" Jess stopped, speechless. "You're not serious."

"He wanted to do it the traditional way."

"The _traditional_ way?" Jess asked incredulously. "The way that says the woman can't decide without her mommy okaying it first?"

"It wasn't like that."

"How else was it?" Jess snorted. "Listen Rory, if I ever proposed to you I wouldn't think about your mom or your grandparents. I'd just be thinking about you, what you wanted, what you'd say. I'd only care about your opinion because yours would be the only one which mattered."

Rory blushed and looked at her hands. Jess looked a little embarrassed as well.

"That's what I hated the most about him," he finally said. "He didn't see you as an equal."

"Because of the marriage thing?"

"Because of all of it. He loved you for your body and how respected you were, not for your mind. Did he ever talk about books with you? The paper?"

"He argued with me for stealing his article once," Rory said. "He didn't read much."

"You astonish me."

Neither of them said anything for a moment. Rory picked up her beer and Jess looked uncomfortable.

"When you came to see me," he said. "And when I came to see you, I could see how sad you were."

"I was going through all that stuff with Mom."

"Besides that, Rory."

Rory bit her lip and Jess asked,

"Were you happy?"

"I loved him," Rory said quietly and he looked at her sadly. Both knew that didn't answer the question.

"Can I ask you something?" Jess asked and Rory nodded. "What the hell was that prep thing? I don't even know how it happened. When I saw you, less than two years before, you were still the Rory I knew. You were older but you were still you and then when I went to see you again you'd moved into your grandparents' house and dropped out of Yale. What happened?"

Rory sighed heavily and looked at her beer.

"You can tell me to shut up," Jess added and she laughed and shook her head.

"It's okay. I just don't like thinking about it much. Oh, I don't even know how it started."

Jess was quiet and Rory bit her lip.

"Well, I guess I do. I was on the team for the Yale Daily News and one day this guy came in, Logan, and he called me Ace and he was funny. He was interested in me, the first guy all year who was interested and who hadn't ended up getting drunk and dumping me in a bar or taking me on a horrible date. One night I went to the bathroom and a girl ran out with a gorilla mask on as well as wearing a ballgown and I followed her and, to cut a long story short, I found out she was part of this Yale secret society called The Life and Death Brigade. Logan was part of it too."

"Let me guess," Jess cut in. "Rich kids pulling stupid stunts."

"Pretty much," Rory admitted. "And I was going to write a piece on it, but Logan said I could only get to see what it was about if I agreed to join in and I did, and I did this crazy, pointless stunt and I loved it. I loved doing something dangerous and pointless for the hell of it. I'd never done anything like that before and he was holding my hand the whole time, giving me the guts to do it. And he was attracted to me. It was all too perfect."

"So you started going out."

"If that's the right word for it," Rory grimaced. "He wasn't really into girlfriends and I told him I couldn't do the casual thing so he said he'd try the committed relationship thing."

"How'd that go?"

"It was wonderful," Rory said truthfully. "Most of the time. It was wonderful when it was just us, when he'd do something crazy and stupid but it was all for me, when he'd make me feel important, but it wasn't wonderful when he'd leave suddenly, for business, for family. His family were awful."

"What was wrong with them?"

"They hated me. They didn't think I was good enough for him."

Jess put his beer down and stared.

"Seriously?"

"Oh, yeah, they were old money."

"But your family's seriously rich!"

"Not compared to the Huntzbergers," Rory laughed bitterly. "Especially not when they found out how I'd been raised. They said I wasn't _bred_ for their family. Logan stuck up for me but I know it bothered him."

"He took what they said seriously?"

"I don't think he wanted to. I forgave him," Rory said miserably. "He stood up to his parents in the end. I know you always have a blind spot when it comes to family and his dad was such a control freak...anyway, we got back on track and I ended up doing an internship for his dad at this important newspaper and it was intense, but I was really sure I was doing a good job and impressing him. Everyone seemed to like me. Then one day he pulled me into his office and told me I wasn't good enough, I would never be good enough and I couldn't write, though apparently I'd make a good assistant."

"What?" Jess exclaimed. "Was he on drugs or something? Has he seen your writing, has he heard you talk?"

"I don't think he really cared about that. I think he cared about me staying away from his son. Either way, it got to me. I don't know if it was because he was Logan's dad or because he was head of the paper or both but either way, it just crushed me. I let it get to me and I freaked out. I decided I couldn't be a journalist, if anyone would know he would and then I did something really stupid. I stole a yacht."

"You _what_?"

"I stole a yacht," Rory said, not wanting to meet his eyes. "I wanted to do something crazy and destructive and it was there..."

"Jesus, Rory. What happened?"

"I went to jail," Rory said. "For a few hours, until Mom picked me up, and I had to do community service. I decided to take time off Yale. And that's how it happened."

"How'd you wind up at your grandparents'?

"Mom freaked out," Rory said. "She absolutely refused to let me move home, said she wouldn't let me give up like that and if I did it basically wouldn't be under her roof. So it was under Grandma's. She loved taking me in."

"Didn't you hate it?"

"I hated some of it," Rory said thoughtfully. "But most of it I loved. It sounds so crazy now but it was just such a relief not to think, to not have to try. I didn't have to worry about failing when I organised luncheons and I did it well. It was fun, in a weird way, going to the fancy parties and joining the DAR and by doing that I didn't have to think about the other stuff, what was really happening, like how Mom and I weren't talking and how it was killing me. Logan said I'd be back in Yale within a month but he didn't really try to help me."

"I bet he didn't," Jess said darkly. "And then I showed up."

"And then you showed up, and it was like someone had thrown a bucket of icy water over me. It was like I'd been asleep and someone had finally come and waken me up. It was like looking in a mirror for the first time in months and I didn't like what I saw."

"I never wanted you to hate yourself," Jess said quietly and Rory smiled gently.

"I know. But I needed it. That night I didn't go back, didn't put on that awful dress and Grandma lost it. She told me I was grounded, she acted like I was Lorelai and I knew I had to leave, I should have long ago, and I got two of Logan's friends to get all my stuff and I moved to Lane's and went back to Yale."

"I knew you could," Jess said and Rory smiled, though it faded when he asked, "Why did you stay with him?"

"I loved him," Rory said simply. "He hurt me but I still loved him and I didn't want to let go. I couldn't let go."

Jess was silent and Rory sighed.

"It sounds so stupid."

"No," Jess said quietly. "Love makes you do crazy things."

"I wish I could take that part of my life away," Rory said bitterly. "I couldn't see that I was being manipulated and I let myself drop out of Yale. I just wish I could go back in time and shout at myself, tell myself not to do it."

"It's who you are, Rory. You had to go through it."

Rory looked at him.

"Do you like who I am?"

"What kind of question is that?" Jess asked, holding her gaze. "From coming back from that, you're amazing, Rory."

"Am I?" Rory asked stupidly and he took her hand.

"Why can't you see it?"

"I don't know," Rory whispered and a tear rolled down her cheek. "I just see the mistake."

Jess leant forward and wiped the tear from her cheek. Rory could feel the heat of his breath, her heart throbbing. For the briefest moment they stared at each other, as if to ask, and then leaned towards each other, Rory closing her eyes, giving in, as they began to kiss.


	24. Chapter 24

**Thank you all for the feedback!**

**Scarlet and heisdragoness18: I'm sorry it took so long for them to kiss but I wanted to build up a friendship between them first.**

**Serenity: Don't worry, I'm terrible at reviewing as well. I see you write for Home and Away – I used to be so addicted to that! I haven't seen it in about a year now. I also used to be really into Neighbours and wrote fanfic for it, which I am somewhat mortified about now.**

**Lost0and0found: I think that as well. I saw a really fantastic fan video on Rory's bad phase in her life on youtube (it was called End Up Failing Too if you want to watch it). Regarding Jess, I try not to let the story go too far beyond Rory's POV because I think stories are generally stronger with one central viewpoint but I did write a chapter on his introspection of their relationship, just so I felt I had a sense of his character. I would be willing to send it to you or share it others want to read it, but it would probably be a one-off. Do let me know!**

**On with the story – should maybe mention that there is bad language in this chapter. Don't know if that offends anyone but giving warning in case.**

For a moment they kissed hesitantly but it soon became more passionate, his hands in her hair and she holding him tight. A voice in the back of Rory's mind asked what she was doing but Rory soon shut it up as she kissed him, Jess, breathing the smell he had always had, shampoo, soap and his own unique scent and as she desperately pressed her lips against his it was as though she were seventeen years old again. The bottle of beer fell over and spilt but neither noticed as he pressed her into the couch, not enough space between them. Her hands were gripping his shirt and he was running his hands over her back, her breasts pressed against him through the gauzy material, leaving little to the imagination.

Suddenly the door opened and they both were brought abruptly back to earth as Chris came in and then stopped, staring at them as a grin started to form on his face. For a moment no one said anything and then Rory pushed herself up.

"I should go," she babbled, grabbing her jacket. "Sorry."

"Rory!"

"I have to go!" Rory exclaimed, brushing past Chris and as she ran out into the hallway she heard him say delightedly,

"I knew it!"

"Rory, wait!"

Jess ran after her and caught her arm, staring at her desperately.

"Wait, what's wrong?"

"I have to go," Rory said, feeling a strange urge to cry. "I have to go home and think about this."

"Rory –"

"Please," she said and he nodded, stepped away and Rory made her way down the hall, trying not to run and all too aware of him watching her go.

Rory didn't know how she got back. She walked across roads without looking, at least three cars beeping their horns and angrily swearing at her, but she did not notice a thing until she got back to her apartment and laid down on her bed, breathing heavily. She could not believe what she had just done. Even when she had talked about the moment with Lane she had not seriously thought about kissing him, being back with Jess and then he'd looked at her in that way, his way, and brushed her cheek and something had come over her and she was kissing him and never wanted to stop. It was as though those all years hadn't passed and she was eighteen again, barely in control of her hormones, but she was so many years older and felt the same way. Would they have stopped, if Chris hadn't walked in? Rory felt she knew the answer. That made her feel even more panicked and she sat up, her head whirling. How could she have been so stupid? They had just got their friendship back on track, felt that they could trust each other again and had nearly wound up having sex which might have ruined everything, if it hadn't already. Rory didn't know what it meant. Would he expect them to start going out again, or would they try and forget about it, something she instinctively knew would not work out and hugged a pillow to her breasts where his chest had been pressed to less than an hour before. What was it about Jess that made her lose her mind so much? Rory thought back, back to when she was a girl and he'd moved to Stars Hollow with that uncaring attitude and grin that seemed to tease and how he'd been a jerk to everyone but not to her. He liked her, he took her seriously and even though he was loathed by everyone, even her mother, Rory felt a pull towards him. He knew books. He liked books, he loved books and, like her, had to read them, not because he anyone made him but because if he didn't he felt lost inside. She knew that and for all his tough-guy demeanour something would change in him when they discussed literature, he would open up, a fierce passion and they could argue for hours over plot and author and context, not pretending to be anything other than who they were.

Rory supposed she changed around him too. To everyone else she was just Rory Gilmore, the sweet kid who was smart enough to go to Chilton but wasn't a snob, always willing to go the extra mile and help out with the elementary school play or dress up for a festival, girlfriend of Dean and daughter of Lorelai, nothing more and nothing less but with Jess she was someone else, something more. She was unafraid to voice opinion, to disagree and challenge him, and vice versa and they expected more of each other, every time. Rory thought back to what Jess had said, about Logan never seeing her as an equal and it made a horrible kind of sense. Sometimes she had thought something similar, in the back of her mind, but she would tell herself off, thinking of how he would praise her for the paper, saying he knew she could do it, and she thought of Jess's other remark, how he patted her on the head and told her she was a clever little girl. At times it had felt that way, but never with Jess. She never felt that she had to impress him, he made her want to do more but for her, not him, and when she was with him she felt something other than the town sweetheart, the beloved girl, she felt adult and passionate and unrestrained.

Rory remembered the day she was seventeen, the day she had skipped school and gone to New York, the day of her mother's graduation. She hadn't known what was making her do it but as she sat on the bus she'd known it was right and even after it had all gone wrong and she'd missed her mother graduate Rory still treasured the memory of walking through Manhattan with Jess, eating a hotdog in her uniform and feeling reckless, for all the shame she felt for being selfish and being late home. The day he come back, the day of Sookie's wedding, she'd felt an indescribable pleasure to see him on the lawn and something animal had overcome her as she'd run up and kissed him on the lips before running away, knowing what a mistake she had made.

Rory felt that in some ways their relationship had been a mistake. They had the passion but not the maturity, she was always ready to talk to him about books, argue with him on that and make gentle fun of Stars Hollow – stronger fun on his part – but she didn't know how to really talk to him. They could talk about easy, every day things, they could even talk about having sex but Rory never knew how to talk to him about his personal life. She knew something was going on with school and that it didn't mesh with his working hours but she never pushed it, never wanted to make things uncomfortable and when she was mad she would shut down, not knowing how to communicate, not wanting to. When they fought it was horrible and though they would make up in some wonderful, Jess-like way, often through a book, they never really handled the issue and would forget about it until it reared its head the next time, and the next, and the next. Then they had gone and slept with each other. Rory didn't regret it, not anymore, but she wished she'd been a bit smarter. She should have told him how she felt, maybe taken it slower and maybe called him, but she hadn't, she couldn't, and though it still hurt when she remembered how he had never called Rory knew she'd had fault in their relationship too.

They couldn't have a relationship now, could they? They weren't those kids anymore but they were still them, still had their history and Rory wondered what he was thinking, what he was expecting and what it meant for their friendship and as all these thoughts screamed in her head she picked up her phone and dialled a number.

"Hello?"

"Paris," Rory said, grateful that her friend was there. "Are you busy tonight?"

"Not if you count shouting at medical dramas for getting their facts wrong."

"Good," Rory said. "Can I come over? Because I need to get extremely drunk."

"I've got vodka in my cupboard. See you in fifteen minutes."

Paris was still at Medical school in Harvard but was in New York for a few months on a medical experiment program, something Rory had never felt more thankful for as she made her way over. It started to rain as she made her way over and Paris looked her over when she opened the door to Rory's knock.

"If it isn't the Little Matchgirl."

"Good to see you too," Rory said, pushing past her and going into the apartment. "God, it's freezing."

"You're hardly dressed for it. Are you trying to catch pneumonia or something?"

Rory took her jacket off and sat on Paris's sofa, trying to thaw out, while her friend went to the kitchen, fetching the drinks and glasses. Paris had not changed much over the years, if anything she had grown more formidable. She had a sheer passion for her work with no patience for anyone who got in her way but she was still Rory's best friend and someone she knew she could talk to about anything, even if she may not like the response. Paris was always unflinchingly honest.

"So what gives?" Paris asked, pouring her friend a generous glass of vodka and orange, heavy on the vodka. "It's been a long time since you've called demanding to get drunk with no questions asked, in fact, I think this is the first time."

"I did something dumb."

"Shocker."

"Paris!"

"What kind of dumb?" Paris asked, pouring herself a drink. "Dumb as in you left your keys at your apartment or dumb as in you took off your bra at an office party?"

"Somewhere in the middle, I guess."

"I'm all ears."

"Do you remember Jess?"

"I assume you don't mean some perky little Jessica I've never met."

"He was my boyfriend, the guy I –"

"first screwed," Paris finished for her nodding, and Rory gave her a look.

"I was going to say lost my virginity to but as you put it so eloquently..."

"Oh please, Rory, do you have to be so quaint? You may as well say you lost your maidenhood or flower or some nauseating crap like that."

"Well, anyway," Rory said, pausing and deciding it wasn't worth the discussion. "It was that guy. I've become friends with him again and then I went over earlier and we kissed."

"I assume you don't mean on the cheek."

"No, more the French variety."

"And the issue is...?"

"It's Jess!" Rory exclaimed. "I haven't properly seen him in ten years, we've just got back to being friends and somehow we ended up making out on the couch!"

"Gosh, Blossom, that's a conundrum."

"You know, I think I like the vodka more than you," Rory said snidely, reaching for her glass and taking a large gulp. Paris sighed.

"Well, how did it feel?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did it feel like you wanted to get the hell out of there or did it feel like you wanted to jump him?"

"I don't know. It was great at first but then his roommate walked in and I bolted."

"What did you feel before he came in?"

"The second one," Rory said, after a pause and Paris shrugged and said,

"I don't see the big deal."

"How can you not see the big deal? How would you feel if you saw Jamie again and ended up kissing him?"

"Oh, please. Jamie has nothing on Doyle. I don't feel like I owe him something because he was the first guy I had sex with."

"It wouldn't feel awkward?"

"I feel bad about how I dumped him," Paris admitted. "But not beyond that."

"Right," Rory said miserably, reaching for the bottle and pouring herself another glass. "It's just me being a freak then."

"Rory, I'm the socially awkward one here," Paris said and Rory couldn't help smiling. "I'm well aware that I'm the one with the alien reaction."

"I wish I did," Rory said, draining the glass. She could start to feel the vodka take effect.

"Do you want to go out with him again or stay friends?"

"I don't know!" Rory wailed as Paris picked the vodka up. "I don't want to stop being friends but it would be so weird if we went out."

"Why not just be friends who have sex?"

Rory stared at her.

"Pour me more vodka."

"Seriously Rory, when did you become such a prude?" Paris demanded, pouring her a large glass. "I'm aware Stars Hollow is stuck in the fifties but you went to Yale, didn't you? I know the concept was welcomed by more than a few people there."

"Hey, the Hollow had its sixties phase," Rory said defensively. "And I'm not a prude but it's not something that would work for me, I know it wouldn't. What do you know about, it anyway? Do I _want_ to know?" she added hastily and Paris rolled her eyes.

"I wasn't talking from personal experience. Drink your vodka."

Rory did so and felt glad to be sitting down. She had a strong feeling that the room might spin if she got up.

"God, sometimes I think he's really fucked up my life," she said miserably. "Just when I think I've moved on, back he comes and I feel like I'm eighteen again. If his roommate hadn't come back we'd probably have had sex."

"Maybe you aren't such a prude after all," Paris said admiringly and Rory lazily aimed a kick at her. "It's like I've always said, the quiet ones are the barn raisers."

"I can promise you I'm not a barn raiser. Is that good or bad?"

"What the hell do I know?" Paris asked, throwing her own drink back. "I can't analyse how good I am in bed."

Rory started giggling, putting a hand over her mouth and then started laughing hysterically. Paris looked her, half in amusement and half with annoyance.

"You're so weird when you're drunk."

"Yeah, what about you?" Rory demanded. "I seem to recall an afternoon where you ran around barefoot in Stars Hollow begging for quarters after sampling some Founders' Day Punch."

Paris went red.

"Your town had weird punch," she said finally. "It would screw up any normal person."

"Like you're a normal person," Rory retorted and Paris aimed a kick at her this time before pouring them both another glass, managing to spill vodka over the sides.

"Why do men turn us into idiots?" Rory demanded, picking up her glass, which was no mean feat as she was seeing two of them. "I'm an intelligent woman, aren't I? I should be better than this and then he shows up and I lose my brain."

"Sex does that to you," Paris said wisely. "Rory, we've run out of orange juice."

"So go get some more."

"I don't think I can get up."

"Let me," Rory said, standing up and swaying, before toppling over the table and falling over. "Or not."

"I say we have it straight," Paris said. "I don't think we can get much worse. We've already gone past being able to prevent throwing up."

"Then keep it coming," Rory said, dragging herself to her knees and managing to get back on the chair. "It can only get better from here."

Sometime in the night, after Paris had got up, stood on the table and sang a tragic love song and fallen off, and Rory had cried about swearing off men but not wanting to stop having sex she heard Paris say blearily,

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"I remember you really loved him," Paris said and Rory rolled over, unsure how she had made it onto the floor.

"Yeah."

"It sounds like you still do."

"I don't still _love_ him," Rory said, slurring slightly and Paris chuckled.

"If a social misfit like me can see it you should figure it out. And anyway..."

"Yeah?"

"If you still want to screw him that's something," Paris said and they both burst into laughter and fell asleep.


	25. Chapter 25

**Thanks for the feedback! Paris was always one of my favourite characters!**

Light pricked at her eyelids and Rory opened her eyes. She was lying on Paris's living room floor, still fully dressed but with a blanket over her and a pillow by her head. Rory frowned and tried sitting up, clapping a hand to her head as her friend walked in.

"Moving was a _bad_ idea!"

"Hello, Sleeping Beauty," Paris said, looking a little worse for wear herself. "Do you feel as bad as you look?"

"Oh my God, my head," Rory moaned, too miserable to take offense at Paris's comment. "Water. Why do we always forget to drink water?"

"We passed out and besides, we couldn't make it to the kitchen."

"My mouth tastes like I've eaten three bags of sand," Rory said bleakly, holding her hands over her eyes and groaning as Paris flung the curtains open and marched to the kitchen. "What'd you do that for?"

"Here," Paris said impatiently, returning with a large glass of water and an aspirin. "Drink this and stop sounding like the kid from Life of Pi."

Rory took it gratefully, drinking in large gulps and holding the glass in both hands. She looked up at Paris curiously who was wearing her pyjamas and was sitting on the sofa.

"What? Do I look as terrible as you do?"

"How come you made it to bed and I ended up crashing on the floor?"

"I tried to move you," Paris said. "Remember how we woke up to puke? I said I was going to bed and you should too and you refused, and there was kicking involved. You said you liked the floor. I couldn't even get you to come into my bedroom. You shouted something about cheesy snacks and when I got changed I found you fast asleep right where you are now. I put a blanket over you, didn't I? I was going to try and slip a pillow under your head but your breath made me go and puke again."

"I thought I was going to the kitchen," Rory groaned, all of it coming back in horribly vivid colours. "I was going to get cheesy snacks and water. My intentions were good."

"Don't say cheesy snacks," Paris begged, looking queasy. "You're making me want to puke again."

"Speaking of," Rory said, staggering to her feet and running to the bathroom as bile rose in her throat, ignorant to Paris's shouts of not getting vomit on her floor. She wished her mother had hangover food and then went red. She was more than relieved that her mother wasn't there.

"Why does my butt hurt?" Paris asked curiously as Rory weakly came back. "You were kicking at me but you didn't get my butt."

"It's probably from falling off the table."

"Falling off the table?" Paris frowned and then she looked horrified as realisation dawned. "Did I _sing_?"

"Broadway was jealous," sniggered Rory but she quickly stopped laughing as Paris retorted,

"At least I didn't make a tearful speech about having to quit sex if I gave up on men, nympho."

"I think I'm going to puke again," Rory said, putting a hand to her mouth and Paris ran ahead to the bathroom.

"You've got company."

After taking turns to throw up Rory and Paris managed to make it back to the living room with snacks and water in tow.

"Put on some bad TV," Rory groaned, closing her eyes. "I need to shut off my brain."

"Are you going to call him?"

"What?"

"Jess."

"Not today," Rory said, battling another wave of nausea. "It's going to be hard when I'm not hungover."

"How did the kiss even happen? You didn't really go into that."

"I don't know," Rory said, curling her legs up. "He was asking about that sucky time in my life where I quit Yale and he was so nice to me. He said I shouldn't hate myself for it, that Logan was a jerk and I deserved better."

"I'll agree with him on that. I never liked him."

"I know," Rory said wearily. "And I don't know, it just helped so much for someone to tell me that we have to go through stuff like that. It made me feel like a weight had been lifted."

"You mean it helped for _him_ to tell you that," Paris said, nudging her. "I know you, Gilmore."

"I guess," Rory admitted. "I feel so ashamed about how he saw me last." She looked at her friend. "What do you think about Jess?"

"I always thought he was the most intelligent of your boyfriends," Paris said, handing her a bowl of cheesy chips. "Even if he did have all that angsty teenage crap."

"He's grown out of that now."

"Well...I don't think he sounds that bad," Paris said and Rory looked at her, knowing that was high praise. "I say you screw him."

Rory burst into laughter, the serious moment over.

"Turn on the TV."

Several hours later, after sprawling on Paris's sofa with a large bowl of mac and cheese and the television turned down low, Rory tried going home. She thought that the fresh air would help, that it would make her sick to ride in a cab, but as she unsteadily stepped out onto the street she knew she had made the wrong decision. The wind smacked her face, making her head spin, and after stopping three times to throw up Rory made it home, too hungover to care about how she had to look. She took aspirin, drank the biggest glass of water possible and fell spread-eagled onto her bed, falling instantly asleep.

A strange buzzing sound woke her some hours later. For a moment Rory thought some loud, overgrown bee was in her ear and she swatted at it impatiently, rolling over and falling off the bed. This woke her up properly, making her realise that the buzzing was her intercom and she crawled over to the receiver groaning in pain.

"What?"

"Is that you, Rory?"

"Who's this?"

"It's Jess," came her ex-boyfriend's voice and Rory groaned. "Are you okay?"

"I've been better."

"Can I come up?"

"Fine," Rory said miserably, too sick to argue. "I'm buzzing you through."

She pressed the button and held a hand to her throbbing head, cursing herself and wishing she had come up with an excuse. She should have said she had flu or something. It was too late now and there wasn't even enough time to try and make herself look less like she'd spent the night on Pars's floor. All too soon Rory heard his knock on the door.

Rory opened it and Jess stared at her.

"Wow. Are you okay?"

"Thanks for saying I look terrible."

"You're wearing the same clothes you left in," Jess said and Rory went red. "Did you go to some guy's place or something?"

"That had better be a joke."

"Are you sick? You look like you should be in bed."

"Sort of," grimaced Rory, turning and going back into the apartment and getting herself some water.

"Can I come in?"

"You're here, aren't you?"

Jess rolled his eyes and followed her inside, waiting for her to turn round.

"Rory, where have you been?"

"What do you mean?"

"I called you about three times."

"Sorry," Rory said, feeling a little unsteady and gripping the edge of the sink. "I was...I didn't hear my phone."

"I was worried."

"I'm sorry," Rory said, drinking the water. "I didn't know you were going to call – I said I wanted go home and think."

"I wasn't going to call," Jess said, looking embarrassed and sticking his hands in the pockets of his black jacket. "But I really wanted to talk to you so I called you today. I thought you were mad and ignoring my calls."

"Jess!"

"I didn't think that was like you," Jess admitted. "And then I figured you'd call me back eventually but you didn't and I guess I worried you weren't okay, and seeing that there is no fresh coffee in this kitchen shows cause for concern."

"I went to Paris's."

"_Paris's_?" Jess echoed, walking over to her and then stepping away, putting a hand over his mouth. "Wow, did you drink the entire New York property of booze when you were there?"

"Shut up," Rory said weakly and he laughed.

"So you're_ sick_, huh?"

"I'm really not in the mood for having visitors," Rory said waspishly and he badly hid a chuckle. "Can we talk tomorrow or something? I'm sorry I missed your calls."

"Did you tell her?"

"What?"

"Did you tell Paris?"

"I..." Rory went red, remembering the conversation she and Paris had had last night. "Look, it's none of your business if I did or not. She's my best friend."

"I figured as much."

"So what if I did tell her?" Rory snapped. "I had to talk to someone!"

"Can you talk to me?" Jess asked desperately and Rory looked away. "Please talk to me, Rory. We need to talk about this."

"Right now?" Rory exclaimed and he said sulkily,

"You talked to Paris."

"That's different," Rory snapped. "Paris is a neutral party."

"Paris is _neutral_?" Jess said incredulously. "Are we talking about the same woman? Paris is neutral the same way the Mafia is neutral."

"I wouldn't worry, Paris likes you."

"Wow, that makes me feel so much better."

"Jess, please," Rory groaned, holding her head. "Not now. I feel as bad as I look."

"We can't just forget about it, Rory."

"I know we can't!" Rory exclaimed. "But right now it feels like Stars Hollow High's marching band is rehearsing in my head while wearing spiked boots!"

Jess sighed, looked at her and stated laughing again.

"Shut up," Rory said as he laughed harder and harder. "This isn't funny. One of these days you'll get even more hungover than I am right now and karma will be laughing at you and so will I."

"Oh, I'm sure. That bad?"

"Worse," Rory said, pushing him towards the door. "Now please let me go and pass out so I don't puke again."

"Salted chips," Jess said seriously, as he left the room and Rory looked at him non-plussed.

"What?"

"Plain salted chips. That's my hangover cure."

"Right," Rory said and he smiled sheepishly.

"I'm sorry I made you get up."

"So am I."

"You're very honest today," Jess remarked. "Call me when you want to talk, okay?"

Rory nodded and he gave her an awkward smile before finally turning around and going down the stairs. Rory groaned, leaning against the door and then frowned as she heard another buzzing sound, only this time it wasn't the intercom. A glance to her right showed she had dumped her handbag on the floor and the buzzing was her phone. Rory cursed cellphones as she picked it up, thinking darkly that it had better be the last of people contacting her that day.

"Yeah?"

"Wow, good morning sweetie," her mother said. "Only it's more like good evening. What's wrong with you?"

"I'm sick," Rory said miserably and her mother sighed.

"How much did you drink?"

"How did you –? All I said was that I was sick!"

"I have a wonderful motherly intuition for knowing when my baby girl has been drinking. So how much?"

"Half a bottle of vodka," Rory moaned and Lorelai gasped. "It gave the Founders' Day Punch occasion a run for its money."

"Oh, Rory. Did you end up spending the night on the bathroom floor?"

"Close," Rory winced. "Far too close for my liking."

"Wow. So what caused this insane bout of drinking?"

Rory paused.

"No reason. I just went to Paris's for girl talk and it turned into a lot of drinking...a_ lot_ of drinking."

"Rory, come on. You don't just drink half a bottle of vodka for the hell of it – well, _you_ don't, anyway."

"It was nothing, Mom," Rory lied uneasily. "I just went over to talk, she brought it out and somehow we ended up venting our frustrations and drinking. It was totally unplanned."

"Okay," Lorelai said uneasily. "Well, sometimes the best nights are."

"I'd hardly call it a _best night_," Rory said unhappily. "I feel like...I don't know how to tell you how bad I feel. The room has only just stopped spinning."

"Oh, honey. Go lie down."

"I will. I'm going to try plain salted chips. Apparently that's a great hangover cure."

"Who told you that?" Lorelai asked curiously and Rory said awkwardly,

"The internet."

"Wow. You really can find anything on there these days. Well, I was just calling to see if you were okay, you know, after the dinner."

"I don't want to think about that right now, Mom," Rory said, holding her head and closing her eyes and her mother sighed.

"I guess you don't really feel like thinking about anything."

"Mom I'm having trouble about thinking how to use the microwave," Rory said and heard Lorelai laugh.

"Get takeout. I'm going to let you go, honey."

"Okay. Sorry for being such a rotten daughter to talk to."

"Oh please, you answered the phone. I never answer the phone when I've been drinking."

"Right," grinned Rory. "Bye, Mom."

"Bye, sweets."

Rory groaned as she hung up the phone, going and lying down on the bed. She hadn't even planned on lying to Lorelai and all the mistruths had just come spilling out of her mouth. She just couldn't face talking about it right now, not with anyone but especially not her mother, whom she knew would freak out and tell her she'd known that this would happen. She would ask her what meant, like Jess had, and Rory stared miserably at the ceiling. She didn't even know herself. A glance to the right showed a bag of salted chips from a movie night the other day and Rory reached over and picked them up, feeling better already as she started to eat. She supposed that was one good thing which had come from her hideous day. She could add this to her list of things which would stop her throwing up and, from the way her stomach felt, it was going to be a long night.


	26. Chapter 26

**Thanks for the feedback! Darkheadlights, I was talking about your fic! I got the idea from it.**

The next week went by far too quickly. Rory had a new project at work, finishing late every night, and whenever she got home and saw her phone she felt a twinge of guilt, knowing she should call, but feeling so tired that she would decide to call the next night instead and then suddenly it was Friday. Rory worked until nine before dragging herself home, her back and shoulders aching and seriously contemplated heating the water so she could fill her miniscule bathtub which always took so long to fill. Rory was at the corner of her street when she remembered that she had forgotten to get any takeout and that she had no food at home and could have cried. She could not face turning around and going back, especially as icy rain was beginning to fall, so instead she wearily walked to her building, figuring she could order something.

Rory was just reaching into her bag for her keys when she looked up and stopped in surprise. Jess was sitting on the steps, reading a book.

"Jess!" Rory exclaimed, going up to him. "You nearly gave me a heart attack! How long have you been sitting there?"

"About an hour."

"An _hour_?" Rory exclaimed. "In this weather, are you insane?"

"Maybe. Probably."

Jess closed his book and Rory stared at him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Catching up with my old buddy Ernest Hemingway."

"Jess," Rory said, giving him a look and he put the book down.

"I've been waiting for your call, only you haven't, so I figured I'd come and see what was going on. It seemed a lot less stalkerish in my mind," he added and Rory flushed with shame.

"I'm so sorry, I've had a crazy week."

"So crazy that you can't call for five minutes? Or text?"

"You hate texting," Rory joked feebly but he didn't crack a smile. "I'm sorry. It would have taken longer than five minutes."

"You could have called to let me know you were busy," Jess argued and Rory looked at her shoes. "Instead of just letting me hang all week."

"I'm really sorry," Rory said. "I'm a jerk, I know. I promise I'll call you tomorrow."

"Let's talk now."

"Now?"

"There's no time like the present."

"There's a much better time than the present," Rory argued, making her way up the steps. "A time when we're both not exhausted and cranky."

"Rory, I've been sitting here for an hour!"

"I know but I didn't ask you to do that!"

"How else was I meant to get hold of you?" Jess demanded. "You ignored me all week."

"I didn't mean to," Rory said, knowing she was making excuses and feeling awful. "Look, I know I've been crappy. I promise to call tomorrow."

"We kissed, Rory," Jess said, getting up and Rory said,

"I know, I was there."

"Come on, Rory. We can't just act like this never happened."

"I know we can't!"

"Look, if you really want me to go I'll go," Jess said after a pause. "But I think we should talk this out now instead of just putting it off, or not calling each other."

"I said I was sorry!"

"Rory, we kissed!" Jess exclaimed. "And you know it means something, you know it was more than just the heat of the moment."

"Jess –"

"You know we've never got over each other," Jess said and Rory stared at him. "I know it and you know it."

There was a shocked silence. Rory was too taken aback to notice that the rain was starting to get heavier, soaking her and making her freeze.

"Oh, my God," Rory finally cried, shaking her head and avoiding his eyes. "Why do you always come back and mess with my mind?"

"Mess with_ your_ mind?"

"You showed up months after we split up," Rory said angrily. "After just leaving, not even saying goodbye, to say you loved me and then you drove off. You just drove off!"

"You didn't say anything!"

"You didn't give me a _chance_ to say anything!" Rory cried. "You just told me you loved me and before I could even open my mouth you jumped in your car and disappeared leaving me with that, and then the next time I saw you you were at my dorm pleading me to run away with you!"

"I know that was crazy," Jess said desperately. "And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for dumping all that on you but I meant it. I did love you."

"I couldn't have just run off!" Rory exclaimed. "I had college, I had no money and we hadn't even seen each other for a year!"

"I'm glad you said no," Jess said seriously and Rory stared at him. "You were right. But I don't get why you dropped out of Yale for that other guy."

"_What?"_

"You were happy to leave Yale for him," Jess said and Rory stared at him in disbelief. "To just swan around and hang out with his rich friends."

"Logan had nothing to do with it," Rory said angrily. "I didn't drop out for him, I dropped out because of all my mess!"

"You dropped out because of him!"

"It was his dad!"

"It was his whole family fucking you up! He didn't care, did he? He didn't give a damn that you were wasting your mind, your awesome mind, to start wearing preppy clothes and arrange tea parties!"

"Shut up!" Rory said furiously. "Just shut up! Don't you dare bring that up! You know how it hurts remembering all that!"

"You know what else hurts?" Jess snapped. "You showing up at Philadelphia and using me!"

For a moment neither of them said anything and stared at each other, breathing hard.

"I said I was sorry," Rory said slowly. "I know that doesn't make it okay but I am, you know if I could take it back I would."

"No, you wouldn't!"

Rory stared at him.

"What?"

"You wanted to kiss me," Jess said, staring into her eyes. "I know you did, I know you wanted to be with me, and if it hadn't been for that guy –"

"It was for all the wrong reasons," Rory said tearfully. "You know that."

"It was wrong that you were doing it to get back at him," Jess agreed. "But it wasn't wrong for us to kiss, you know that, and I know it was more than than just you trying to cheat. You know there's always been something between us, tell me there hasn't."

Rory couldn't talk. She just stared at him before slowly reaching in her bag for her key.

"I have to go," she said dully. "I can't talk about this."

"No!" Jess exclaimed. "This is typical! I'm tired of you always doing this!"

"Doing what?"

"Running away from your problems! Something like this happening and you bolting!"

"Oh, this coming from you!" Rory shouted, dropping her bag. "You, who ran away when you found out you couldn't graduate, who didn't even call me after we had sex!"

"You've never forgiven me, have you?" Jess asked and Rory yelled,

"No, I haven't! It hurt!"

"I know I was a jerk," Jess said, moving so he could look at her properly. "And if I could change that I would but you know it wasn't just me! It wasn't just me who fucked up our relationship!"

"I never said it was!"

"You've never told me that!" Jess exclaimed. "When I hated myself all those times you never said you were sorry too! You never called!"

"You were never in one place!"

"You didn't try! I know I ran away from stuff but at least I admit it! And then one day you just show up and kiss me and you tell me I mess with _your_ mind?"

They stared at each other, out of words. The rain was pouring now, drenching them.

"God, can't we move past this?" Rory finally cried. "Why can we never move past this?"

"Because we've never fucking dealt with it! You've never tried to deal with it!"

"I'm going inside," Rory said angrily. "I can't do this anymore."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Rory put her key in the lock and opened the door and then glanced behind her shoulder to see him walking down the steps. He stopped and turned back, staring at her, the rain falling from his hair and then in the same movement they ran to each other and fell into a desperate, furious kiss.

They didn't stop kissing as they made their way into her building, up the stairs and they stumbled into her apartment, furiously tugging off each other's clothes, lost in each other. Rory was breathless as he ripped off her shirt, her bra, knowing it was crazy, but as they heavily fell onto the bed, him on top of her, she stopped trying to be careful, stopped trying to sensible and gave in. A fleeting voice told her this was a dangerous decision, a risky game, but Rory shook it away and _Oh God, _she thought, as he started to touch her, _I don't care anymore. _It was them, him, her and no one else_._


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory opened her eyes. For a moment she stared at the ceiling, wondering what it was that was making her feel so strange and then she remembered. She turned to her right and saw Jess lying there, beginning to open his eyes and giving her a smile.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Well...that was pretty amazing," Rory said truthfully and he laughed.

"I'll say. We'll have to fight more often. Where'd you learn to do that?"

"A lady never tells," Rory airily and he grinned at her.

"Rory Gilmore, you're no lady. Last night showed that."

Rory swatted him, going red, but couldn't help laughing as well. For a moment neither of them said anything and Rory lay back on the pillows.

"You did say it would be better next time," she teased and he nudged her with his finger.

"You waited all those years to try again?"

"Oh, you wish!" Rory exclaimed, nudging him back and they both burst into laughter. When they had stopped they looked at each other, unsure of what to say. There was a sudden knock at the door, breaking the silence. Rory looked at Jess and he frowned.

"Were you expecting someone?"

"No," Rory said, slipping her legs out of bed and hesitating, and, like all those years before, Jess looked away as she went to get her robe. Rory held it tightly to herself as she walked out of the bedroom, feeling her cheeks go red as she saw her and Jess's clothing scattered everywhere. Hastily she picked all of it up and dumped it back in the bedroom. Jess gave her a weird look.

"It might be my mom or something!" Rory exclaimed as the knocking got louder. He nodded and Rory hastened back to the door.

"Who is it?" she asked nervously.

"It's me."

Rory's eyes widened in disbelief.

"_Paris_?" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here? How'd you get in?"

"I have ways," Paris said in an alarmingly casual voice. "Would you open up?"

Rory slowly opened the door and Paris frowned at her.

"You're up awfully late."

"I went to bed late," Rory said, trying not to go red. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm bored," Paris said simply. "Let's go out and do something, we live in New York for pete's sake."

"Paris –"

"It doesn't have to be big or anything," Paris said, pushing past her and dumping her things on the counter. "We could just go for coffee or something. You love coffee and I know you're not busy. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm not looking like anything," Rory mumbled and Paris stared at her, taking in her appearance.

"Are you _naked_ under there? You're naked under there! You had sex!"

Rory didn't say anything but went red. Paris's eyes darted around the room and settled on the bra Rory had missed when picking the clothes up. Her mouth settled into a grin.

"You totally had sex."

"Paris!"

"Who'd you bang?" Paris demanded. "We have to go for coffee now, I have to hear about this, I know you haven't got lucky for a while."

"_Paris_!"

"Is he here?" Paris asked gleefully, looking round the apartment. "Or was it some one night stand thing?"

"No!"

"So who –" Paris stopped mid-sentence and stared at her friend, who was going crimson. "It was Jess! It was, wasn't it?!"

"Well –"

"I knew it," Paris said smugly, folding her arms. "I knew you'd end up screwing him. So how was it? Did he make you a barn raiser?"

"Paris!" Rory hissed. "He's here, keep your voice down!"

As she finished speaking Jess came out of the bedroom dressed again, buttoning his shirt.

"Hi, Paris."

"Hey, Jess," Paris said coolly. "Do you still worship Bukowski?"

"You know it."

There was a long, awkward pause. Paris picked up her stuff and grinned at them.

"Hey, I would never have come over if I'd known you two were in the sack. Why don't you kids just go back to bed and get undressed again and go back to having fun? Forget I ever came by."

"Paris!"

"That's okay," Jess said, who looked like he was trying not to laugh. "I should go. I don't want to interrupt your plans."

"Jess –"

"I'll call you later," he said, touching Rory's arm and started down the stairs. Rory hesitated before throwing her coat on over her gown, shoving on some shoes and running after him.

"Wait! Jess!"

He stopped and turned round, Rory panting.

"Don't feel like you have to go," she said. "I didn't know she was going to come over, I can see her another time."

"I don't feel like I have to go," Jess said. "But it was kind of a mood kill, wasn't it?"

Rory had to agree with that. They looked at each other and smiled awkwardly.

"Well, I should go," Jess said, starting down the steps and Rory caught sight of something and exclaimed,

"Oh, no, your book!"

They looked down. Ernest Hemingway was in a sorry state, the pages soaked and stuck together and the cover warped.

"It's okay," Jess. "I'll borrow the copy I gave you which I know you never read."

Rory blushed.

"I've never got along with him," she said defensively and he grinned at her.

"Ernest has only ever had lovely things to say about you."

Rory smiled and bent down, picking it up for him.

"I'll drop it by later."

"Right. Later."

They looked at each other awkwardly, unsure whether or not to kiss. Jess chuckled.

"You know if we wait out here any longer Paris is going to run down and start giving us instructions."

"True," Rory admitted and he touched her cheek before starting down the steps.

"Rory," he called when he was on the sidewalk.

"Yeah?"

"I'd button that coat if I were you," he said, bursting into laughter as Rory looked down and stared in horror.

"Oh, my God!" she shouted, mortified, holding it tightly as she ran back inside, Jess laughing all the way.

"I am going to kill you!" Rory said furiously as she got back to the apartment. Paris was sitting at her table with a cup of coffee and plate of cookies. "I just flashed the entire neighbourhood and it's all your fault!"

"Hey, I didn't know you had sex plans."

"Neither did I," Rory remarked, grabbing the cup from her and drinking the coffee. It had been far too long since she had been without caffeine.

"Hey!"

"You do realise that's my coffee," Rory said, rolling her eyes. "And cookies – where'd you find cookies?"

"Behind the box of rice. Why do you have rice?"

"I got inspired after watching a show on Asian cooking," Rory admitted, grabbing some cookies. "God, I'm starving."

"Yeah, sex builds up quite an appetite," Paris grinned and Rory went red as she stuffed the food in her mouth.

"Shut up."

"Oh, lighten up, Gilmore. I'm not the one who dragged my ex-boyfriend up here for a fuck."

"Paris!"

"It's ridiculous how coy you are," Paris commented, taking a cookie herself. "Anyone would think you were a virgin, though it's kind of obvious that you're not."

"Please stop talking."

"So how was it?" Paris asked, ignoring her. "Better than last time?"

"_Anything_ would have been better than last time."

"Was he any good?"

"He wasn't bad," Rory admitted, grinning and going red. "It was pretty awesome, actually."

"Awesomely safe, I hope."

"Yes, Mom."

"Someone has to think of these things," Paris said. "And it doesn't sound like you were thinking that straight last night."

Rory couldn't argue against that and, embarrassed, she started breaking up her cookie.

"How'd it happen anyway?" Paris asked curiously. "Did you get cosy on the couch like last time?"

Rory shook her head, going pink.

"We were...he came over to talk," she said. "He'd been waiting for me to come home from work because I hadn't called like I'd said I would."

"Dawson, you're such a heart breaker."

Rory gave her a look.

"I didn't mean not to call him. Anyway, he wouldn't leave and we ended up having a fight. A huge fight. We basically yelled at each other about everything wrong we've done to each other and then we started kissing and...well, you can figure out the rest."

"Angry, passionate sex," Paris nodded. "The best kind."

"Paris!"

"So what?" Paris asked briskly. "Is there going to be a repeat performance?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"We didn't do a lot of talking," Rory said and blushed as Paris grinned and nudged her.

"I bet you didn't."

Rory went red and started eating her cookie.

"So what does this mean?" Paris asked. "Are you going to start seeing him again?"

"What?"

"Well, we've already established that you don't do the sex friend thing so are you going to start seeing him or just try not to get horny around him?"

"I just love the way you put things," Rory said sarcastically. "It's a true gift."

"So which is it?"

"Huh?"

"Relationship or trying to keep your legs crossed?"

"I hope you don't talk to your patients this way," Rory remarked and sighed. "I don't know. Maybe it was a mistake. It was kind of awkward afterwards. I didn't want him to look when I got out of bed, I got all shy."

"You've always been shy. I'm sure you'll get over that quick enough."

"It's still complicated things."

"Rory, at the risk of sounding like a relationship coach on one of those morning talk shows, it was already complicated."

"Yeah," Rory admitted and Paris added,

"And fairly inevitable. I bet you end up doing it again either way."

Rory shrugged but didn't say anything. She picked up one of the pieces of cookie.

"Are you on a decent form of contraception?"

Rory had been eating her cookie but put it down, choking, reaching for the coffee with her eyes streaming.

"_Excuse_ me?"

"Saying it does happen again, which I'm betting it will, you've got to be prepared. You can't just rely on condoms, you know."

Rory stared at her.

"I think this is the weirdest conversation we've ever had. Weirder than when you kissed me on spring break and asked me to tell you how good a kisser you are."

"I'm still waiting to hear back on that and hey, I'm just looking out for you. I don't want a phone call where you're wailing about how your monthly visitor hasn't shown up."

"Well, that's very comforting to know," Rory said awkwardly. "And you don't need to worry."

"What are you on? I'm in Medicine, I can tell you what's best for you."

"That's okay," Rory said. "I feel slightly concerned that you can tell me what kind of contraception would suit me best."

"What are you on? The pill? I bet it's the pill."

"It's none of your business!" Rory exclaimed, picking up the empty plate. "This conversation is over!"

"It's a perfectly healthy conversation," Paris remarked, looking at her and then stopping and staring.

"What?" Rory snapped.

"Wow," Paris said. "I knew I was always right about envying your boobs."

Rory stared down and then flushed, seeing that the coat had fallen open again.

"God!" she exclaimed and stormed into her room, slamming the door and ignoring Paris's call of,

"I don't know why you're so mad, you've got an awesome pair of breasts!"


	28. Chapter 28

**Thanks for the feedback! I had a lot of fun writing that chapter, Paris is so brilliant to write! Haha, I didn't think about the difference between their boob sizes!**

Paris stayed for most of the day. After Rory had got dressed they went out for coffee, peppered with Paris's endless questions about how the sex had been and how Jess compared to other men she had been with.

"I really don't want to talk about this," Rory said, avoiding Paris's eye and stirring her coffee. "It's weird."

"Why is it weird? I knew Doyle was better than Jamie or Asher. It's not the fifties Rory, you're allowed to talk about enjoying sex."

"Thank you for the memo. I never said I didn't. I just think it's weird giving it a rating."

"I didn't ask you to give it a rating, but now you mention it..." Rory groaned. "How was it on a scale of one to ten?"

"Oh, man. This is too weird."

"Was it at least above a five?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I just like knowing these things, okay? It's fun."

"You have a very warped sense of fun."

"No, I'm just not a prude like you are. God, anyone would think you were a member of the Camden family."

"Take that back!"

"I will if you give me a number."

"Fine." Rory closed her eyes and thought. "At least seven. Happy?"

"Exhilarated," Paris grinned. "I bet you are too."

"Shut up," Rory said but she couldn't help laughing. "Am I less of a Camden now?"

"Unless you try running any abstinence programs I think you're safe."

They finished their coffee and started to get up.

"What are you doing now?" Paris asked and Rory slung her bag over her shoulder.

"I need to give Jess my copy of Ernest Hemingway."

"Oh really," smirked Paris, giving her a nudge. "Then are you going to _discuss_ his work?"

"I don't know," mumbled Rory, blushing, and Paris remarked,

"Be careful if you any _discussing_."

"Not this again!" Rory groaned. "First off, I told you not to be concerned about that and second off, it's creepy that you are. I've been having sex for practically ten years and managed not to get pregnant yet."

"I've studied this stuff, Rory. I know what the safest contraception is and trust me, you need something safe, sperm are total bastards for slipping through the net."

"That's given me a horrible mental image," Rory said after a pause. "And anyway, I use something much safer than a _net_."

"What's that?"

"Like I said, none of your business!"

"At least let me give you some leaflets," Paris protested as Rory marched ahead. "Come on!"

Rory eventually managed to shake Paris off back at the apartment, ignoring her demands of coming to her place later for information and long list of facts. Sighing, Rory found the book and called Jess to let her know she was coming over, feeling as awkward as an adolescent as she arrived at his apartment, pausing before pressing on the intercom. Jess buzzed her through and she smiled shyly as he opened the door.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Hi Rory," came a third voice as Rory entered the apartment and she saw Chris leaning against the counter, grinning at them. Rory knew her cheeks went red.

"Hi," she mumbled. There was a long pause. Rory knew that he knew.

"Don't mind me," Chris announced, grabbing his jacket. "I'm heading out to see Sarah and don't worry, I'll be gone _all_ night. Have fun, you two."

"Leave," Jess said dangerously and, laughing, he grabbed his bag and sauntered out the apartment, waving at Rory.

"Sorry about him," Jess groaned, shutting the door. "He doesn't understand the meaning of the word subtle and he also likes any opportunity to humiliate me."

"That's okay."

"I didn't mean to tell him," Jess said shyly. "He guessed."

"I don't mind."

There was an awkward pause. Rory took her jacket off and Jess hung it up for her rather too eagerly, glad to have something to do.

"It seems we both have friends who like embarrassing us," Rory remarked and Jess started laughing.

"I'll say. When did you manage to shut Paris up?"

"I didn't," Rory said, rolling her eyes. "She had a worrying interest in it and what kind of measures I take to prevent pregnancy, because sperm can slip through the net."

Jess coughed.

"Well, I hope anyone would be smarter than to use a net," he said eventually and Rory laughed.

"You would think."

There was a long, awkward silence. Rory was just starting to wonder about thinking of an excuse to leave when Jess said,

"Does it help if I tell you I'm feeling more awkward than you are?"

"More awkward than me?" Rory exclaimed. "I just got treated to a bunch of statistics on how easy it is to get pregnant or contract something. I think Paris wants to open a sex clinic and that I should be her first patient. It's possibly put me off sex for life!"

"God, I hope not," Jess said fervently and Rory looked at him and started laughing. Jess went red.

"That wasn't meant to come out sounding so sleazy."

"It's okay," Rory said, grinning, and she delved into her bag. "Here, I brought you my book. Or your book, really."

"I gave it to you."

"Now I'm giving it back."

"You know I'll return it," Jess said, leafing through it. "I won't let up until you read it and appreciate it."

"Only if you do the same for Ayn Rand."

Jess stared at her incredulously.

"That's impossible."

"And it's impossible for me to like Hemingway."

"Excuses, excuses."

They grinned at each other but then fell silent again. Rory scratched an itch on her hand.

"Hey, how about a round of Deep and Personal?"

Rory looked at him.

"That's not a sex game, is it?"

"No," Jess said, laughing. "April told me about it, she said she used to play it all the time at sleepovers. You go round sharing embarrassing secrets about yourself."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realise we were twelve."

"We can do the adult version," Jess said, going into the kitchen and emerging with two bottles of beer. "We can drink after we confess something. It might help us feel less awkward."

"I don't know, Jess," Rory said awkwardly. "It seems a little weird."

"How about if I start?" Jess said. "Until I was seven I thought babies came from making a wish on a star."

He took a long drink of beer and Rory burst into laughter.

"You're kidding!"

"Nope."

"I can't believe you were ever so sweet and innocent. I knew where babies came from after Mom ranted about it being a sick cosmic joke when I was five."

"I saw a lot of stuff I shouldn't have," Jess admitted. "But I didn't know that was the same way you made babies. I asked Liz and she said she wished on a star for me."

"That's kind of sweet."

"Yeah, until a few years later when she got drunk and rambled on about getting pregnant after half a bottle of wine and forgetting a condom. I also got treated to a long story about how childbirth felt in minute by minute detail."

"Hey, I get that every year on my birthday – the birth thing, not the forgetting a condom thing," Rory added hastily and he laughed and handed her a bottle.

"Your turn."

"Um," Rory said, thinking. "I wet the bed once."

"That's not so bad."

"It is when you're twelve and on a two week summer camp."

Jess started laughing at her and Rory went pink.

"The counsellor said it was because I was homesick and it's not uncommon!"

"I bet you were really popular with the other kids."

"I went home the same day. That was the worst summer ever."

"I can't really imagine you on camp."

"I blame the Parent Trap entirely."

He grinned at her and Rory sat down next to him.

"Your turn."

"I didn't have my first kiss until I was fifteen."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was never interested in girls, I just wanted to read and be left alone. Hormones kicked in that summer and I saw this really hot girl in Washington Square Park. I asked if she would kiss me, she said okay and she kissed me and walked away. I never knew her name."

"Wow. How was it?"

"Not too bad," Jess said honestly. "I don't know what it was, it just felt that all stuff people had written about sex and being into each other suddenly made a ton of sense. Girls weren't just girls anymore, you know, and this girl, she had the most amazing long brown hair and this yellow halter-neck...I just wanted to kiss her. It felt like I'd been let in on some kind of secret."

Rory nodded and he added,

"I moved onto other stuff pretty quickly."

Rory laughed and looked at her bottle.

"I used to try those boob growing exercises from Judy Blume with Lane when we were thirteen."

"That must increase your bust stuff?"

"Yeah, and –" Rory stopped and stared at him. "When did you read _Are You There God, It's Me Margaret_?"

Jess went red.

"Liz made me. She said it was the only book she ever felt really spoke to her as a kid and as I read so much anyway I should read that, so I did."

"Did you like it?"

"I felt like I knew way too much about menstruation afterwards," Jess said and Rory laughed. "And I thought girls sounded really weird, but I liked it. I read some other stuff by her."

"She's an excellent author," Rory said and he nodded, before giving her a poke.

"Hey, this is supposed to be your secret, not mine. Is that it?"

"No," Rory admitted. "I was really frustrated because nothing was happening. I figured that I hadn't been doing it enough. I was going to this weird modern dance class that summer and one day, after class was over, I stayed behind in the studio and decided to do it for an hour. I was halfway through this when Miss Patty came back because she'd forgotten something. Guess what she said?"

"I wish I knew."

"She said _oh honey, you don't need to worry about that. Some day this summer that bosom of yours will simply explode_."

Jess burst out laughing and Rory grinned.

"I'm still waiting on that."

"On a similar note," Jess said awkwardly. "I used to think a woman's period lasted no longer than an hour."

Rory stared at him in disbelief.

"I wish. How did you even come to that conclusion? Man, and I thought Stars Hollow High sucked at sex ed."

"I thought a period would be the same length as a school period," Jess admitted, looking away as Rory started cracking up. "Then one day I dropped it into conversation with Liz because she was complaining about having to run the store because she'd run out of stuff and I said it didn't last that long and then I ended up having possibly the most awkward conversation of my life."

"How old were you?"

"I prefer not to disclose that."

He took a long drink of alcohol and Rory tried not to laugh too hard.

"I made up a special prayer once," Rory said and he looked up. "For my dad to come home and marry Mom."

"When was that?"

"When I was nine," Rory said, looking away. "It just to any kind of god out there, or the universe, I didn't really know what I was praying to. I feel kind of guilty about it."

"How come?"

"Because I wasn't unhappy with Mom and it was special, just the two of us, and I kind of feel like I was betraying her."

"Rory."

"I was a kid," she said miserably. "And I know it was probably natural but I still feel bad. It was just after he'd come to see us and it had been my birthday and he gave me this special music box with a ballerina and Mom was happy because he hadn't let me down and shown for my birthday, and we were all so happy that weekend, and I thought about how great it would be if he stayed all the time so I made a prayer really early the morning before he left, that he'd change his mind about leaving. Obviously it didn't work and then I decided I was an atheist and put the music box away."

"Do you still have it?"

"No," Rory said quietly. "Right after Dad went back to Sherry I threw it in the lake."

She drank her beer and Jess squeezed her hand.

"When I was eight I decided I'd been adopted," he confessed. "I decided something was wrong if all the other kids I knew had real moms who baked and showed up on time and weren't constantly kicking guys out of the house and I had Liz, and she liked drinking and_ getting_ baked."

"Jess."

"And then the next afternoon I got a phone call at school to say she'd been in an accident," Jess said, swallowing. "Her car had been knocked into a tree by some truck driver. She was fine, but..."

He trailed off into silence and Rory felt a lump in her throat.

"I felt like the worst kid alive," he said eventually. "Luke came to stay for a few weeks while she got back on her feet and I decided I would never get mad at Liz again, but I did a week later when she turned up drunk at a parent-teacher meeting."

"You shouldn't be mad at yourself."

"And you shouldn't be mad at yourself about the thing with your dad," Jess said, looking at her. "But we can't help it, can we?"

"No," Rory said softly. "We can't."

Neither of them said anything for a moment.

"I've always regretted getting that bus," Jess said and Rory looked at him.

"It's my turn."

"No, let me say it. I've always regretted getting that bus. I've always regretted not calling and getting that bus and throwing everything away."

"Jess –"

"It was the stupidest thing I've ever done. I loved you, and I..."

"You were a teenager," Rory said, making her look at him. "We all do stupid things. What about my stint out of Yale?"

"You were in a bad place."

"So were you."

Jess nodded and looked at his beer.

"I'm sorry I said that stuff," he said. "About leaving Yale for Logan."

"It's okay."

"It wasn't fair of me, I was a jerk."

"You were mad. And maybe it was true, in a way."

"No, it was unfair of me."

"I think we've both been unfair to each other," Rory said, looking at him and he nodded. "Haven't we?"

He reached out and stroked her hair. She caught his hand, moving it onto her back and he pulled her onto him and they began to kiss.


	29. Chapter 29

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Light flickered across their bodies. Rory opened her eyes to see the sun streaming through the window, across Jess's chest and over her arms, playing patterns over her breasts. Rory tugged the covers up over them and in doing so Jess woke up and gave her a sleepy smile.

"Hey."

"Hey."

He reached out and held her hand, making Rory smile. It hadn't been like last time, it had been gentle and slow, less desperate, but no less passionate and she slid back down into the covers and lay so she was facing him.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Good," Rory said. "I think I only woke up once, wondering where I was. It's my first night away from somewhere other than my apartment."

"Yeah?" Jess asked and Rory went a little pink.

"It didn't take me long to fall asleep again."

"You were saying something last night."

"What?"

"Something in your dreams."

"I was sleeptalking?" Rory exclaimed in horror. "What did I say? I've never done that before...at least, no one's told me I have. What I've said all this embarrassing stuff and no one's ever told me?"

"Relax," Jess said, giving her hand a gentle pat. "I couldn't even hear you. You just said something vague and fell silent."

"Something vague?"

"I couldn't hear it."

"You're not lying, are you?" Rory asked desperately. "I didn't say something incredibly humiliating?"

"Don't you think I'd be teasing you if you had?"

Rory couldn't argue with that and giggled a little. He brushed the hair off her shoulder and then leant forward and kissed her, Rory feeling the lazy heat of his body. They lay still for a moment and then Rory sat up, holding the cover over her.

"I'm going to get some water."

"My breath was that bad?" Jess asked and she looked at him and laughed.

"No, I'm just thirsty."

"Okay," Jess said but Rory sat still.

"What is it?" he frowned and Rory felt herself blush. "Why don't you want me to see you?"

"I don't know," Rory said, looking down. "I just don't. I know it's stupid."

"I didn't say that. I won't look if you don't want me to."

"I do, though," Rory said, feeling annoyed with herself. "I don't know why I feel so strange."

"I'll look away whenever you want."

Rory sat still for a moment and then slowly got out of bed, shyly turning to look at him, the cool morning air brushing her body.

"You're beautiful, Rory," Jess said and Rory felt her cheeks go red. "You're the most incredible woman I've ever seen."

"I bet you say that to all the girls," Rory joked, but he shook his head seriously. "Okay, I'm getting cold now," she said, after a pause and he got up and went to the chest of drawers where he dug out an old, baggy T-shirt and shorts. Rory frowned as she took them and put them on.

"Thanks."

"I tried running for a while," Jess explained and Rory grinned. "It didn't last that long."

"I bet," Rory said and he gave her a kiss on the cheek and went back to bed.

Rory went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. It felt strange being there in the morning, not as a guest, not at her apartment and she stared out of the window, the sky an early, pale blue.

"Good morning."

Rory nearly jumped out of her skin. Chris had suddenly emerged from his room and Rory tried to sound casual as she asked,

"I thought you were staying out all night?"

"I was going to," he said, going to the fridge and getting a carton of orange juice. "Sarah's friend had some car emergency."

"Oh," Rory said awkwardly and he grinned at her.

"I came back around eleven but I guess you didn't hear me."

Rory knew her cheeks went red. She hated this about her, this inability to conceal embarrassment, this teenage trait. Chris laughed, not unkindly, but it made it all the worse.

Rory drank some of her water so she wouldn't have to say anything and Chris opened a cupboard, finding a box of croissant and offering one to Rory.

"Want one?"

Rory took it dumbly and took a bite without thinking about it.

"No one's inviting me to breakfast?"

Rory and Chris looked up as Jess came in, hastily dressed with his T-shirt on inside out.

"Sure," Chris said, handing him a pastry. "Join the party."

"I thought you were out all night?" Jess asked and Chris grinned, glancing at Rory.

"Sarah had to go pick up her friend. You didn't hear me come in."

Jess nodded but didn't say anything. There was long, embarrassed silence.

"I'm going to call Sarah," Chris announced. "See that she got back okay."

"Thanks for the croissant," Rory said shyly and he grinned.

"No problem."

He grabbed the carton of orange juice and went back to his room, leaving Rory feeling like she'd been caught doing something vaguely bad at school. She stared at her croissant, unwilling to meet Jess's eyes.

"He's got impeccable timing," Jess said and Rory looked up and gave a small smile. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Rory lied. "I don't know."

"It's only Chris. He's kind of a pain but he's harmless."

"I know," Rory said awkwardly, tugging at the sleeve of her T-shirt. "I guess I just feel embarrassed."

Jess nodded but didn't say anything. There was a short silence and Rory ate some croissant, hearing the clock on the wall tick.

"Hey, do you want to get out of here?" Jess asked suddenly. "Let's go and do something."

"Like what?"

"Anything. How about coffee? You can't go wrong with coffee."

"Is anywhere open yet?"

"The place by the subway, they're practically twenty-four hours. I know you want coffee, Rory, don't try and deny it."

Rory couldn't help laughing.

"I can't."

"I don't have coffee here."

"Say no more," Rory said, putting her glass down. "I'll be ready in ten minutes."

They made their way along the Manhattan streets, the cool air brushing at them but it was warmer than it had been in weeks. Spring was on the move and everyone seemed a little brighter and though clouds were starting to gather overhead it didn't dampen any spirits. There was something very odd about walking through New York with Jess again and Rory had to keep glancing at him, to check he was really there, and he caught her eye and grinned.

"What?"

"Nothing," Rory said and he laughed. "Nothing at all."

Soon they were at the coffee place, the only other customer an elderly man with an accordion and paper.

"He comes in every week," Bill whispered as they came in. "Same time without fail. He always brings that accordion but he never plays it."

They nodded and he looked at Rory.

"Don't I know you?"

"I came in a few weeks ago," Rory said shyly and Jess said,

"It's Rory, Bill, remember?"

"That's right," Bill said, smiling at her. "You're Jess's old friend."

"Yup," nodded Rory, going a little red and he grinned at her, guessing, but didn't say anything.

"I'll bring some coffee over," he said. "Take a seat."

Almost all of the room was free but Jess and Rory sat at the same table they had sat at before and, like last time, they could hear it begin to rain outside.

"Good thing we got in when we did," Rory remarked and idly picked up a menu, her eyes scanning it.

"Hey!" she exclaimed. "They do danishes here!"

Jess laughed at her.

"You want one, right?"

"Well –"

"Hey Bill," he called to his friend. "Could you throw in some danishes with that coffee?"

"Thanks," Rory grinned and he chuckled.

"No problem."

Bill brought it all over and for a while neither said anything as they ate and drank.

"So last night was..." Jess trailed off and Rory smiled.

"Yeah."

Jess opened his mouth to say something and then closed it, picking up his danish.

"What?" Rory asked curiously. "What were you going to say?"

"Forget it."

"You have to tell me now," Rory said, putting her drink down. "And if you don't I'll just nag you all day."

Jess laughed but looked embarrassed.

"I don't know how to say it without it making everything awkward."

"What?" Rory asked anxiously. "Did I really say something bad in my sleep? I knew it, I knew I did."

"No, it's not that, it's..." Jess looked at his plate before finally looking back at her. "I've wanted to say this for ages."

"What?" Rory asked, trying to sound casual but beginning to feel nervous.

"I'm sorry I gave you a horrible first time," Jess said in a tight voice. "I wish I'd made it better for you."

"Jess –"

"I know it wasn't how you wanted it to be."

Rory let out an anxious breath and stared at her plate for a moment, unsure of what to say.

"Rory?"

"Isn't everyone meant to have a bad first time?" Rory said eventually, trying to sound upbeat. "It's kind of a requisite for it to be awkward."

"I guess. I know it could have been better though."

They were quiet for a moment and then Rory sighed.

"I don't know if it would have been any different if we'd waited a little longer. We were still us."

"Do you regret it?" Jess asked and Rory shook her head.

"Really?"

"I guess that's not completely true," Rory admitted. "I regret things about it but it was more about our relationship in general than that. I didn't know how to talk to you about how I felt sometimes and I couldn't figure you out."

"I had so much crap going on," Jess said. "I couldn't even figure myself out."

"We were so young," Rory mused and Jess said,

"I always felt like I talked you into it," and looked down. "I've always felt bad."

"I think I talked myself into it," Rory said. "I mean, it wasn't that I didn't want to, but I was so nervous. I should have said."

"I should have noticed."

"There's a whole lot of things we should have done," Rory said honestly. "I guess it's all part of life. I don't think I'd change it. It's how you learn, isn't it?"

He nodded and they fell silent. A bird called outside.

"What was your first time like?" Rory asked suddenly and Jess looked up. "You've never told me about it."

"Yeah, for a reason."

Jess coughed and Rory laughed.

"You're not getting off that easy. Go on, tell me. It can't have been that bad."

"Waitress, Manhattan," Jess said, sounding incredibly uncomfortable. "I was sixteen, she said she was nineteen, in her apartment by the diner where she worked. I...I..."

"What?"

"Forget it."

"No way," Rory said. "I had my awkward first time with you, you were because of it. I get to hear about yours."

"I wasn't sure how to put on a condom," Jess said, refusing to look at her. "So she put it on for me and then I wasn't even fully in when I came."

Rory started to giggle and then burst into hysterical laughter as Jess added,

"But she always gave me free fries after that."

Rory couldn't say anything, bent over with helpless laughter. Her ribs ached from it and she didn't even stop when Jess said,

"I'm glad my humiliation is such a cause for hilarity."

"Do you regret that?" Rory asked, wiping her eyes and started laughing again when Jess said,

"God, yes."

"Did you ever see her again?"

"I saw her for the rest of that summer but we never had sex again, we never even talked to each other. She always used to give me this look when I'd come into the diner, this grin, and make me sweat. I was always paranoid that she'd tell people about it. I don't know who she'd have told, but...God, I could never relax. She left at the end of summer and I never saw her again."

"What was her name?"

"Maggie." Jess let an awkward laugh. "I haven't thought about her in the longest time. I remember afterwards she smoked a cigarette and said I had to leave because her boyfriend was coming over."

"Wow."

"That was kind of a moment spoiler. I mean, there hadn't really been any moment but you know what I mean. I've never told anyone that before."

"Really?"

"Not the whole thing," Jess admitted. "I told them it was with a waitress when I was sixteen but didn't go into detail."

"I wonder why?" Rory grinned. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

"I appreciate that."

They finished their coffee in silence. Rory nibbled at her danish thoughtfully.

"What?"

"It's just...never mind."

"Come on, Rory. I told you what I was thinking."

"I was thinking about what would have happened if you'd never got that bus," Rory said. "And if anything would have changed."

"I might have a high school certificate. I have the equivalent, but not a real one."

"You know what I mean, Jess."

He let out a sigh.

"I don't know if we'd have stayed together," he said, echoing her thoughts. "Do you?"

"No," Rory said honestly. "For the longest time I thought we would, if we'd tried, but we were so young, you had so much to deal with and I couldn't talk to you...we were just kids, really."

"I still regret getting that bus," Jess said quietly. "Even if I know nothing would have changed."

"So do I."

They looked at each other, unsure of what to say. Suddenly Jess's phone began to ring, making them jump.

"It's Liz," he said, looking at it and Rory nodded. "Hi. What's up? You're what?"

Rory frowned as she watched Jess bite his lip, able to hear the slight chatter of his mother's voice.

"No, of course that's okay," Jess said eventually. "That's great, it's an awesome surprise. Yeah. I'll head back now. I'm looking forward to seeing you too. Okay. Bye."

"She's coming over?" Rory guessed and Jess sighed, nodding.

"Halfway down the interstate. She thought it was time to return the favour of me surprising her."

"That's nice."

"Yeah. You can see her if you like, and Dula."

"It's okay," Rory said shyly. "I think I'll just head home."

"Sure?"

"Yeah. We can do something next week."

Rory insisted on paying – "I was the one who wanted danishes!" – and they headed out, the rain just beginning to cease. They smiled shyly at each other.

"I'll call you when they've gone," Jess said and Rory nodded, not hesitating when he leant over and gave her a gentle kiss.

"I've missed you," he said and then was walking away, the light rain coating him, before Rory could try and respond.

When she was home Rory couldn't try to relax. What did it say, now that they sleeping together? She'd meant what she'd said to Paris, she couldn't do a non-commitment, not with him at least, but Rory couldn't even imagine a relationship with him again. The whole idea seemed so foreign, so strange, yet when they were together something would take over and kissing him felt like the most natural thing in the world and having sex too. She felt so wonderfully herself when they talked and strangely free in a way she couldn't explain but to be his girlfriend again? It all seemed too much, too tied up with the hurt they'd caused each other long ago, yet Rory lingered on how he had looked at her, told her he'd missed her – she'd missed him too without even knowing it.

Rory was just drifting off into an uneasy doze when her phone began to ring.

"Hello?" she asked nervously and sat up as her mother said cheerfully,

"Hi, sweets."

"Hey, Mom," Rory said sleepily. "How's it going?"

"Okay, but I miss you. I haven't seen you in the longest time."

"I came home a few weeks ago."

"A few weeks is too long! I miss you, Rory. Paul Anka misses you too."

"He does?" giggled Rory and stifled a yawn. "Tell him I miss him. I miss you too."

"I will. What time did you go to bed last night, sleepyhead?"

"Why?" Rory asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

"You sound tired. Is it that office? They're working you too hard. It's Sunday, you should be sleeping in."

"Don't I know it."

"So what have you been up to?" Lorelai asked. "Besides the office. How's the Big Apple?"

"You're such a tourist, Mom."

"Oh, I know, it's all part of my small-town charm. So what have you been doing? Something touristy, I hope."

"Not really," Rory said awkwardly. "Um, it's been kind of boring lately. I went out with Paris yesterday but that's it."

"Recovering from the hangover from hell?"

"Something like that. It dragged on into Monday, I nearly threw up in my trashcan at work."

"That's a surefire way to start an office romance," Lorelai teased. "Speaking of romance, have you seen Jess lately?"

"No."

"No?" echoed Lorelai in surprise and Rory felt her cheeks burn. "Really? Not even once?"

"We've been really busy, Mom," Rory said uneasily, hoping her mother's intuition didn't stretch to knowing when her daughter had had sex and was lying about it. "We haven't had a chance to catch up."

"Okay," Lorelai said doubtfully. "Luke will be disappointed. He was hoping you'd have some sort of story about him."

"Nothing he'd want to hear," Rory said honestly. "Sorry."

"Oh, that's okay. His nephew should be calling him anyway. Or Luke should call him but he has that weird male thing about calling first."

"I guess."

"When are you coming home?" Lorelai asked. "Remember our agreement? As soon as you finished all that campaign work and were settled we'd never let it go beyond a month before we saw each other, unless it's a vacation or something."

"I don't know, Mom."

"You don't know?" Lorelai echoed. "Come on, Rory. Don't leave a sister hanging, I've been getting out all the video tapes in preparation."

"Don't leave a _sister hanging_?" Rory echoed in amusement. "What did we say about you using slang best left to gangsters and hippies? You're my mother, not my sister!"

"Give me a break, Rory. I miss you! Say you'll come home next weekend, if only so I can vent about Mom showing up at the Dragonfly with her DAR friends demanding five different kinds of soup without any warning. Sookie was run out off her feet, Mom was making me lose my mind and an alarmingly old woman was flirting with Michel. It was incredibly disturbing."

"Sounds it. Okay. I'll come home next week."

"You will?" squealed Lorelai. "Ah kiddo, you're the best!"

"I know."

"You're my favourite daughter."

"You say that to all your daughters," Rory joked. "I'm going to head off Mom, I think I need a nap."

"Yes, you do. Promise me to sleep this week."

"I'll try," Rory said. "Bye, Mom."

"Bye."

Rory rolled over and hung up the phone. She was exhausted but sleep was far from her mind, even moreso after the conversation with her mother. She hadn't known what had made her lie, been so completely dishonest but Rory knew that relationship or not, she could not begin to discuss this with her mother when she had no clue herself.


	30. Chapter 30

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Lorelai skipped into the diner that evening with a huge smile on her face.

"Hey, Luke! Can you get me icecream and pancakes?"

"Someone's happy," Luke remarked as Lorelai slid onto a stool.

"Rory's coming home! I called her this morning, she's going to come all weekend."

"Yeah?" Luke asked and frowned as Lorelai added,

"And that's not all."

"You sound slightly dangerous when you say that."

"Guess what's not all."

"I couldn't possibly."

"I'm going to go see her," Lorelai announced triumphantly. "I'm going to drive up Friday night and surprise her!"

"And spend the weekend in New York instead?"

"Nope, we'll go home the next day."

"So wait," Luke paused, halfway through handing her her plate. "You're going to drive all the way to New York just to drive all the way back to Connecticut the next morning?"

"That's right."

Lorelai took it from him and happily started eating icecream.

"You're insane!" Luke exclaimed. "You know that, right? I mean, everyone knows that but you're _doubly_ insane."

"It's not so crazy."

"No, it's crazier than Kirk's impression of Dorothy in _The Wizard of Oz_, a movie I won't even get started on. All that driving just to come home the next day. Think of the amount of gas, when she's coming home Saturday anyway!"

"All worth it for the look on Rory's face," said Lorelai and Luke sighed, stopping his tirade at Lorelai's smile of contentment.

"Look, why don't you spend the weekend in New York?" he asked eventually and stared when Lorelai said,

"I hate New York."

"Lorelai Gilmore, that's a patent lie. You love New York. You love the excuse it gives you to buy a new wardrobe whenever you go there."

"Okay, I love it a little bit," Lorelai admitted. "But I don't love it now that my daughter lives there rather than here and when she's able I like her to come home and be back at the house. It's never felt like home since she moved out."

"Okay," Luke said quietly and Lorelai added,

"When she was campaigning I think I hated every state she was in, except this one, of course."

"Oh, of course."

"Stars Hollow never feels right without her," Lorelai said sadly and ate some pancake. "Even now I come running home with some story to tell about a crazy guest or Michel freaking out or Mom freaking me out – I have a _lot_ of those – and she's not there, and it kills me every time."

Luke nodded and didn't say anything. Lorelai ate in silence and Luke took the time to clear the counter.

"Look," he said eventually. "I'm not trying to crap all over your plans but are you going to call first?"

Lorelai stared at him.

"What? Why are you looking at me like a crazy person?"

"Luke, the whole nature of a surprise is so it's a surprise," she said, as though explaining a simple sum to a child. "It won't be a surprise if I give her a heads-up."

"What if she has plans?"

Lorelai snorted.

"Please, Rory won't have plans."

"It's nice to know how much faith you have in your daughter's social life," Luke remarked and Lorelai replied.

"Hey, I know she has a social life but it's one she tells me about. She always tells me if she has plans, she's always been creepily organised. She doesn't do spontaneous."

"If you say so."

"I do say so," Lorelai said happily, spooning up the remaining icecream. "It's going to be awesome. We can snuggle in front on the TV and see how bad shows have got and I can tease about her Jess, or not seeing Jess, as it turns out. What?"

"She hasn't seen him?"

"No," Lorelai said, frowning. "She said she hasn't seen him for a while. Why?"

"It's nothing," Luke said, putting his cloth down. "It's just that Liz called me earlier to say she'd spent the day with Jess and he'd told her he'd seen Rory this morning."

"What?" Lorelai exclaimed. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would Rory lie to me?"

"I'm sure there's some explanation."

"Yeah," Lorelai said, frowning. "Maybe they just bumped into each other or something."

"Probably."

"Well, I'll find out Friday," Lorelai said, swinging her legs off the stool and dropping some money on the counter. "And now I have to figure out what to buy for my trip."

"Buy for your –" Luke stared at her in disbelief. "You're not kidding, are you?"

"New York, new wardrobe!" Lorelai sang as she walked out and ignored Luke's shout of,

"It's not even a trip! You're insane, Lorelai! The woman is insane!"

The following week went by quickly. On Friday evening Rory was pulling clothes out of her closet, trying to decide what to wear, when there was a buzz on the intercom, Jess wanting to come up.

"I told you," Rory giggled as he came in and gave her a kiss. "I have to drive to Connecticut first thing in the morning."

"Yeah, in the _morning_," Jess insisted, pulling her towards him and Rory made a half-hearted effort to push him off.

"I have to get up early, I can't go to bed late."

"Don't then," Jess said, kissing her and Rory stopped arguing and kissed him back. "I've only come to return your book."

He showed her the Ernest Hemigway and Rory rolled her eyes but took it and smiled.

"Thank you."

"I'm sure you can think of some way to repay me," Jess teased. "And I don't mean just by reading it."

Rory gave his hand a swat, giggling. She didn't know what she was doing and knew he didn't know what he was doing either. Neither of them had broached the subject of their relationship, if they even had one, but most evenings that week they had gone to his or her apartment and ended up sleeping together. Every so often they would glance at each other, the subject strung between them, but Rory never felt brave enough to actually ask about what it was they were doing and would kiss him instead. It was strange, it was new and she liked it, it was something which wasn't her but she felt more herself than ever.

"Have you got your books figured out for the trip?" Jess asked and Rory laughed.

"I like how you ask that over my clothes. I haven't even packed yet."

"Clothes are no big deal but you need at least three books, maybe four. Two novels, poetry and maybe a biography. Have you picked any out yet?"

"A few," Rory told him. "I could use a second opinion though."

"Good thing I'm here then."

"It worked out well."

"It did, didn't it?" Jess asked, putting his hands back round her and kissing her mouth. They tripped over the suitcase and fell onto the bed.

Lorelai arrived in New York an hour over schedule, cursing the taxi drivers which hogged the streets of New York.

"Get out of the way, asshole!" she shouted at one who was taking over the entire road. "I want to see my daughter and none of you are going to stop me!"

The taxi driver let out a string of obscenities in a foreign language and Lorelai's eyes widened as she drove around him.

"I don't know what any of that meant but I know that included the f word," she snapped, deliberately driving through a puddle and splashing his car. "Yeah, that's right, if you don't treat me like a lady I won't act like one and everyone knows _I'm_ not a lady!"

Finally Lorelai was able to park a little way from Rory's apartment and sighed as she walked up the building, shaking herself and deciding it was worth braving Rory's feeble shower to get the smell of driving off her. She looked up at the building and could see Rory's light was on and smiled, anticipating her daughter's look of surprise.

"You going in?" someone asked and Lorelai jumped, looking down to see an old lady entering the building.

"Well – yes, I am actually."

"Go in, then," said the woman shortly and Lorelai did so, rolling her eyes and grinning to herself. It was a whole world away from Stars Hollow.

She made her way up the short flight of stairs before stopping in surprise to see her daughter's door ajar. She slowly pushed it open to see Rory's purse on the table and then heard her laugh, letting out a sigh of relief. She walked into the apartment, excited already, and as she pushed open the bedroom door she sang,

"Surprise!"

"_Mom_!"

There was certainly a look of surprise on Rory's face but not the kind Lorelai had expected and as she took in the scene of a guy in her daughter's bed,_ Jess_ in her bed, she clamped a hand over her eyes and exclaimed,

"Oh my God!"

"Mom!" Rory shrieked, going purple and tugging the bedcovers over her. "What are you_ doing_ here?"

"I was here to surprise you and, well, we can both say that worked and now I'm going to go and see if any of the guys selling drugs outside have any which can erase this image from my mind!"

"Mom, wait!"

Lorelai left the bedroom and sank down at the table, still holding her hand over her eyes. Rory shortly came out of her room with a robe on and sat opposite.

"Brain bleach," Lorelai moaned. "Where's the brain bleach?"

"I'm sorry, Mom. Believe me, I didn't want that to happen."

"So you're _just friends_?" Lorelai exclaimed, finally opening her eyes and staring at her daughter who fell silent, biting her lip.

"We're...I don't know what we are."

"You're having sex," Lorelai said bluntly. "Was this the first time?"

Rory hesitated and shook her head and Lorelai said tearfully,

"You lied to me. Why did you lie to me?"

"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't know how to explain it. I don't even know what's happening."

"I know what's happening!" Lorelai exclaimed. "You're having sex! I know, I saw it, and it's not an experience I ever want to repeat!"

"Mom!"

"I should go," Lorelai said, getting up. "Luke was right, I should have called, I didn't think. I'll go home and you can go back to what you were doing...oh man, did that come out wrong. I think I'm going to be sick."

"Mom, please. Don't go home. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's not that you had to tell me," Lorelai said, sitting down. "I'm hurt that you didn't _want_ to tell me."

There was a pause. Rory couldn't look at her and stared at the table, hating herself.

"I'm sorry, Mom," she said finally looking up and trying not to cry. "I'm so sorry."

"Oh Rory," Lorelai said, leaning forward and giving her a hug. "It's okay. I'm sorry too."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I didn't mean to make you cry. It's okay. I understand."

"You do?" Rory asked and Lorelai nodded, giving her a kiss on the cheek. Just then Jess emerged, dressed, with an embarrassed expression on his face.

"Hey..." he trailed off, unsure how to address Lorelai and she gave him a look.

"Hi," she said coldly.

"I'm going to go," Jess said awkwardly. "I'm sorry...sorry you had to see that."

"So am I," Lorelai said. "Believe me."

There was a long, awkward silence and Rory got up.

"I'll walk you to the door."

No one pointed out that the door was two steps away and Rory and Jess walked over as quickly as they could.

"You know those moments where you wish for a trapdoor?" Jess whispered. "This is one of them."

"Mom's okay."

"Rory, your mom hates me."

"She doesn't," Rory said weakly and he gave her a look. "Anyway, she's staying here tonight and I have to go home tomorrow."

"She drove all the way up here to go home tomorrow? She's insane."

"That's my mom," Rory sighed, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Bye."

"Bye."

Rory sighed and closed the door before turning around to see her mom pulling open the drawers.

"What are you doing?"

"I need coffee. I need something stronger but coffee is a must."

"It's here," Rory said, pulling open a cupboard and her mother grabbed the bag and took a deep sniff.

"I feel better already."

Rory started making the coffee and Lorelai remarked,

"I see you and Jess have got over the awkwardness stage."

"Mom!"

"Joking is helping with the nausea."

"You will stay here tonight, won't you?" Rory asked, turning and looking at her. "Please don't drive all the way home again."

"With my new outfit? No way."

"New outfit? Can I see?"

"Yes, but I'll stay on one condition," Lorelai said and Rory looked at her curiously. "You'll let me take the couch. Even with new sheets I want the couch. You didn't..._do _anything there, did you?"

"Please, Mom!"

"I'll take that as a no. God, now I know how my mom felt when she saw Christopher hiding under my bed almost totally naked."

"What?" Rory asked, giggling. "What did she say?"

"She asked what he was doing and he said he was hot. She got back at me by putting an incredibly noisy fan in my room for three weeks and making me wear sweaters in ninety degrees weather."

"Did she guess?"

"I think she blocked it out, a method I now have much respect for."

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"We'll have to come up with a system," Lorelai remarked and then grinned, remembering the afternoon where she caught Rory and Jess in Luke's apartment several years ago. "Déjà vu, huh?"

"Déjà vu."


	31. Chapter 31

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Lorelai threw the front door open and groaned dramatically.

"Well, that was a hideous drive."

"It's New York, Mom. It's always going to take an hour longer than you think."

"I hate New York."

"Mom, that's such a lie," Rory said. "You love the excuse it gives you to buy clothes."

Lorelai laughed, dropping her keys and petting Paul Anka who had come over to say hello.

"I can't fool you or Luke. I hate it when I get stuck in traffic and that it's your state now."

"It will never be my state," Rory said, letting Paul Anka lick her hand. "It doesn't have Stars Hollow."

"I can't imagine a Stars Hollow there," Lorelai said. "It'd be like a paradox universe."

"Like Doctor Who?"

"_Exactly_ like Doctor Who. That'd be cool. Maybe they'd all have British accents. Have you seen any weird blue telephone boxes lately?"

"Yeah, but it was for a party."

"Too bad," Lorelai said wistfully and Rory laughed.

"I'll try and find some guy with a bow tie, which shouldn't be too hard."

"And you'll bring him back?" Lorelai grinned and Rory nodded. "I knew there was a reason I love you."

"For stalking men with questionable dress sense?"

"Exactly."

"Okay," Rory said, shaking her head. "That should probably worry me but I'm too tired. I think I need coffee in an IV."

"Another reason I love you," Lorelai said, heading into the kitchen to make it. "There's a box of a movies on the table, pick a tape."

"Which one?"

"The one with the Bangles commercial!"

Two hours later and Lorelai and Rory snuggled contentedly on the couch, a bowl of microwave popcorn between them and four cups of coffee, Paul Anka dozing at their feet. The credits of the film started to roll and Rory remarked,

"It was weirdly satisfying seeing a Bangles commercial during _Witchboard_. I especially liked that there was a competition for winning a Ouija board at the end of the movie. It was kind of poetic."

"Kid, you want a demon to possess your soul? Collect all five to win."

Rory looked at her mother.

"You entered that competition, didn't you?"

"No!" Lorelai exclaimed but went red and Rory nudged her.

"My mother, ladies and gentlemen. Watches a movie on a possessed Ouija board and tries to win her very own."

"It was a_ Bangles_ Ouija board!" Lorelai exclaimed. "Who knows what I could have called up? Actually, right after I watched it you got a stomach bug and wouldn't stop screaming and I thought I'd actually traded you for a demon baby."

"Another great childhood memory from the Gilmore household."

The credits finished and the tape stopped. Rory looked around for the remote and saw it was on the table, slightly out of reach.

"Mom, the remote's on the table."

"You're closer."

"I am not!" Rory exclaimed. "You are way closer. It's right by your hand!"

"The popcorn bowl's blocking it!"

"Mom, it's right there."

"If it's right there, _you_ pick it up!"

"Boy, are we cranky today," Rory remarked. "Why me?"

"Because you're closer and I don't want to move and I saw you have sex last night which I think is a definite ten years in therapy so you owe me!"

"You walking in on me means I have to get the remote every time?"

"And pay for my therapy."

Rory rolled her eyes but picked up the remote and switched the television off, winding the tape back and putting it back on the box.

"Happy?"

"Ecstatic."

"If anyone's getting therapy here it should be me," Rory remarked. "My mother showed up unannounced in my apartment at the worst possible moment. You walked in on _me_."

"Hey, a mother seeing her kid doing that is worse by default," Lorelai retorted. "You're my little girl."

"I'm twenty-eight, Mom."

"You're still my little girl! I know that, um, _ship_ sailed a long time ago but in my mind you never do that."

"You _think_ about me doing that?"

"No, that's the point!" Lorelai exclaimed. "I never think that you do that! It didn't cross my mind that that might be going on when I decided to surprise you. I don't think I'll ever surprise you again."

"I don't think you need to worry," Rory said awkwardly. "I didn't plan on it if that helps at all."

"It doesn't," Lorelai said honestly. "But I'll remember that in my therapy."

Rory rolled her eyes and started to pick up the empty cups and popcorn bowl.

"There's more popcorn in the cupboard," Lorelai said, pulling the blanket back over her. "Be a doll and make some more?"

"I'm guessing this is part of the therapy," Rory remarked and Lorelai grinned at her, nodding. Rory returned a few minutes later with more popcorn and coffee.

"Let the years of guilt-tripping begin."

Rory handed her mother a cup and, as she settled back down, Lorelai said,

"Rory, can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything now, right?"

"Rory."

Rory looked up and saw that her mother was being serious, and had a feeling of what it was relating to.

"Sure," she said quietly.

"What's going on with you and Jess? Beyond the obvious, I mean."

Rory didn't say anything for a moment and took some popcorn.

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I know that's a crappy answer but really, I don't. We'd just got back to being friends and then we were talking one night and we ended up kissing. I bolted and then he came by a week or so later and we fought and then we...well, you can guess."

Lorelai sighed and Rory looked at her.

"You can say it," she told her. "I know you've been dying to. Say you knew this would happen."

"Okay, I will," Lorelai said. "I knew this would happen. The moment you told me you had gone for coffee I absolutely knew this would happen. I didn't know certain_ other_ things were going to happen but I knew this would."

"I think in a way I did too," Rory admitted and Lorelai looked at her.

"So what does this mean, Rory? You're going to start seeing him again?"

"I don't know, Mom. We've only just got back to being friends."

"Rory, you've gone way beyond that now. You're sleeping together."

"Some people manage it."

"Yes, but you're not one of them," Lorelai said bluntly. "Rory, I know you. You can't just be in a friendship with.._.benefits_. You know that too. You're someone who has to have a commitment."

"I don't know, Mom," Rory said, her cheeks going pink. "I like being friends with him, I like_ being_ with him but I can't imagine being his girlfriend. I just can't."

"What does he think?"

"I don't know," Rory admitted.

"How would you feel if he told you he was with someone else at the same time?"

"He's not!" Rory said hotly and Lorelai looked at her. "I'd feel terrible," she said, looking down and her mother sighed.

"Rory, you really need to talk about this with him."

"What if it ruins things?"

"What if he gets a girlfriend and doesn't see the big deal?"

"He wouldn't."

"Rory, you sound awfully involved for a casual thing."

Rory couldn't say anything and bit her lip. Lorelai put her arm around her.

"I know you're right," she said eventually. "But I like where we are. I'm happy. I've been in New York for nearly four months and this is the first time I've felt really happy. I like having him back in my life, I like seeing him and I like talking to him again."

"Among the other things?" Lorelai teased and Rory went red.

"Among the other things."

"Can I say something you may not like?" Lorelai asked carefully and Rory nodded. "I think you're falling for him again."

"Mom."

"Rory, you fall hard for people and he was a huge love of yours."

"That was a long time ago, Mom."

"He's still Jess, isn't he? We both know you're still into each other, there's no question about that. Isn't there some saying about absence making your heart grow fonder?"

"I hate that saying and I hate it when you make that face."

"I am not making the _you're-bring-naïve face_!" Lorelai protested and Rory gave her a look. "Ouch! And there's _your I-want-to-kill-my-mom_ face!"

"I don't," Rory pouted but she couldn't help giggling. She and Lorelai ate some popcorn and sat in silence for a moment.

"Can I ask _you_ something?" Rory asked and Lorelai nodded, looking curious. "Say I go out with him again. Say we commit and I bring him home."

"Why are you bringing him home?"

"For dinner."

"At _our_ house?"

"Go with me here, Mom. Say I bring him back here for dinner –"

"Not something else, I hope."

"Mom!" Rory snapped and Lorelai put her hands up. "Say I bring him home for dinner and nothing which can be insinuated as dirty and he's officially my boyfriend. How are you going to feel about it?"

"How am I going to feel about it?" Lorelai echoed in surprise. "What does that have to do with it?"

"You hate him."

"Rory, I do not hate him."

"Please, Mom."

"I don't!" Lorelai protested and then stared at her daughter. "Oh Rory, now you're making the _Lorelai's-being-naïve_ face!"

"Because you are! Come on, Mom. We all know how you feel about Jess."

Lorelai looked at her coffee up.

"Okay," she said eventually. "I can't say that my feelings toward him have been exactly fuzzy for the last few years, but – hey, let me finish – but I also get that that was ten years ago and he's probably different."

"He's grown up," Rory said. "He's not that angry kid anymore, Mom."

"Good."

"So you can promise me that if I bring him back as my boyfriend you won't try and poison his food?"

"Hey, if I'm trying to cook I'll end up poisoning everyone's food," Lorelai joked but she sighed. "I promise I'll be nice to him."

"You weren't very nice to him last night."

"I saw him defiling my daughter!"

"Oh gross, Mom!" Rory exclaimed. "Did you have to put it like that?"

"I don't know a way to put it that isn't going to be gross! Look, Rory, if you bring Jess back I promise to try and put the past...in the past, if that's the right phrase."

"You'll _try_?"

"I know it was ten years ago," Lorelai said carefully. "And I know I can't judge him for what he did when he was eighteen."

"But you hate him."

"Rory, I don't hate him, but he's still the guy who broke my daughter's heart! You were crushed, you were devastated!"

"That totally contradicts what you just said!"

"I'm a mother, Rory," Lorelai said seriously. "I can know it was all a very long time ago when you were kids but I still feel hurt for you, I can't help that."

Rory was quiet and then she gave her mother a kiss on the cheek.

"I love you, Mom."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Even if you tried to win a crazy Bangles Ouija board."

"Hey, you loved _Saved by the Bell_. I think we know who's crazy in the family."

Rory giggled and Lorelai kissed the top of her head.

"I love you too."

"You just gave me a talk on thinking a casual thing through," Rory said, frowning, and Lorelai said,

"Yeah, so?"

"So does that mean we finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship?"

Lorelai stared at her and shivered.

"I think that's more scary a thought than any Bangles Ouija board. Hush your mouth child, and put on the next tape!"


	32. Chapter 32

**Thanks for the feedback!**

After a solid afternoon of movie watching Lorelai yawned and stretched.

"I'm starving."

"Me too."

"Grab a menu and the phone," Lorelai said, giving Rory a gentle kick. "If we call now we can beat Al's dinner rush."

"Al has a rush?"

"He's doing a weekly special of something which doesn't stink out the house."

"Well, I'm intrigued," Rory said and she picked up the phone and went into the kitchen, coming back a few minutes later with a disappointed expression.

"Why the sad face?"

"He's run out of the special."

"He's what?" Lorelai gasped, getting off the couch. "No! It's for a week!"

"He only had enough for six days and his only other choice is a chicken surprise."

"Not the good kind, I'm guessing," Lorelai remarked and Rory shook her head. "Bummer. Now what are we going to do?"

"How about Luke's? I wouldn't mind a burger."

"It means walking," Lorelai whined and Rory stared at her.

"You have been lying on that couch the entire day and you can't walk five minutes?"

"No, I can't."

"You're pathetic!"

"Add a _young lady_ and you may be my mother," Lorelai grimaced. "Can't we have pizza?"

"I'd rather go to Luke's. Please, Mom?"

Lorelai looked at her daughter and sighed.

"Those eyes do it every time. Fine, grab your jacket."

As they headed down the street Lorelai looked at Rory and said,

"So, we're going to Luke's..."

"So?"

"So are we telling him?"

"Telling him you walked in on me?" Rory exclaimed and Lorelai hastily said,

"No, not that, just about you being...extra-good friends with his nephew again."

"Oh," Rory said awkwardly. "I don't know."

"I don't think Luke's going to freak out or anything but it might be kind of weird," Lorelai said. "And I don't know if you want it to be private."

"Well, you know now," Rory said. "And I didn't really think about anyone else. I don't suppose Luke would care."

"Would be kind of weird though," Lorelai said and Rory nodded vigorously.

"Very weird."

"How would we even tell him? You're sleeping with his nephew but not seeing him?"

"Mom, would you keep your voice down?" Rory hissed, looking round. "This is Stars Hollow, the land of Babette and Miss Patty! You of all people should know that!"

"Sorry," Lorelai whispered, blushing. "So we're not telling him?"

"Look," Rory said, after a pause. "We'll just tell him if it comes up."

"Okay," Lorelai said, giving her an odd look.

"Not in detail," Rory said. "We'll just say that we're good friends again and there might be something more. Is that elusive enough?"

"Very smooth," Lorelai remarked. "I raised you to talk like a lady."

"No, you taught me how to hide unladylike actions."

"Oh, that's right," grinned Lorelai, putting her arm around her. "I know I raised you well."

Luke's was almost completely empty and Lorelai swung the door open and announced,

"Guess who?"

"You're scaring the other customers," Luke said, turning around without so much as blinking. "Hey Rory."

"Hey Luke."

"What other customers?" Lorelai protested, looking round. "Kirk and Lulu? They terrify enough people on their own."

"You have that extra charm," Luke said and ignored Lorelai rolling her eyes. "Are you guys going to sit down?"

"You have the best customer service, do you know that?" Lorelai remarked, taking a seat by the window and Luke sighed and turned to Rory.

"How's it going, Rory?"

"It's going okay."

"Yeah? How's the job? How's New York?"

"Good and good."

"Glad to hear it. Have you heard from Jess at all? My nephew's not the greatest at remembering to call."

Rory could feel her cheeks start to go pink as she mumbled,

"He's fine."

"So you have seen him?" Luke asked. "I thought Lorelai said you hadn't?"

"Um, well, here and there," Rory said awkwardly and ignored her mother's snigger. "We're friends again."

"Very good friends," put in Lorelai and Luke stared at Rory, whose cheeks seemed to be going a deep hue of crimson.

"That's good, I guess," Luke said, sounding slightly bewildered. "I always thought it was a shame you guys didn't keep in touch."

"They're definitely good at that now," Lorelai said, spluttering into laughter, and Luke frowned as Rory hissed,

"Mom!"

"Just tell him to call me, would you?" Luke said and Rory nodded. "Two burgers coming up."

"Hey, we haven't ordered yet."

"I know what you want," Luke said, snapping his notepad shut and heading back to the kitchen. When he had gone Rory grabbed a menu and swatted her mother with it.

"I am going to kill you!"

"Yeah, what about that smooth explanation?" Lorelai asked, nudging her. "What happened to that? You see him _here and there_? What was that?"

"You made me nervous!" Rory hissed before shutting up as Luke brought the plates over. "Oh, thank God."

"You missed my burgers that much?" Luke asked and then looked up as the door jangled and a woman came in. She went to the counter to order and as she walked back with a cup of coffee Lorelai stopped eating her burger as she noticed that the woman was heavily pregnant, putting a hand over her stomach before pushing the door open. She noticed Lorelai staring and gave her a smile.

"Two weeks to go."

"That's great," Lorelai said awkwardly. "Good luck with that. Not you need luck – well, no, everyone's going to need luck with that, trust me, but not you especially. You'll do great."

"Thanks," said the woman, sounding confused and as she left Rory exclaimed,

"What's wrong with you?"

"You do have everything covered, right?" Lorelai asked. "In that area?"

"Mom, we're in a diner!"

"Do you?"

"Yes! God, not you too."

"What not me too?" asked Lorelai and Rory said,

"Paris found out about me and Jess and gave me possibly the most awkward talk of my life. Trust me, I've got it covered, and that's not a euphemism."

"Paris?" Lorelai exclaimed. "What did she say?"

"I'm not repeating that here. Anyway, I think your far too frequent reminiscences of pregnancy did more for me than anything Paris could say."

"Well, good," Lorelai said. "Seeing that woman just kind of freaked me out a bit."

"Oh yeah, sperm can slip though the net, according to Paris anyway."

"This is putting me off my burger," Lorelai said queasily and they both jumped as Luke asked,

"What about sperm and nets?"

"_Moby Dick_," said Rory hastily and he nodded. "It sounds like something it's not. Which it's not. At all."

"Okay," Luke said, sounding confused. "I was just wondering if you guys wanted dessert."

"Ooh, icecream!" grinned Lorelai and he nodded.

"Coming right up. Hey, how was the surprise? Did it work?"

Neither Rory or Lorelai said anything and Lorelai went red as she managed to say,

"Um, yeah. Rory was surprised."

"You didn't spoil anything?"

"Spoil what?" Rory asked weakly and he shrugged, saying,

"I don't know, plans."

"I don't have plans, I wasn't doing anything," garbled Rory and Lorelai added,

"I definitely didn't see anything, not that there was anything to see, it was a big surprise, a surprise for both of us."

Luke put his notepad down and crossed his arms.

"Okay, what am I missing here?"

"Nothing!" chorused Rory and Lorelai, stumbling over each other's words. "There's nothing to tell."

"You women get stranger every day," Luke said, shaking his head. "I think a lot of women are but you two are on another level."

"Isn't that why you love us?" Lorelai joked in a shakey voice and Luke picked his notepad up.

"Clearly. I'll be right back."

As soon as he had gone behind the counter Rory exclaimed,

"Who's smooth now, Miss _it was a big surprise for both of us_?!"

"It caught me off-guard," Lorelai moaned. "Oh man, I'm losing my touch. I used to be so good at this. Chris would sneak out of my window and I could come up with a cover story in seconds."

"He's going to guess."

"He's Luke, he wouldn't guess if you had it written on a banner in glitter."

"He's not stupid, Mom."

"No, he's not stupid, he's _Luke_. He'd have to walk in on you before he guessed."

"That's a disturbing thought."

"What's a disturbing thought?" Luke asked, making them jump, and setting down two bowls of icecream.

"Nothing," Lorelai and Rory chorused. "Nothing at all."

"What are you two hiding?"

"It's something girly!" Rory squeaked. "Something about that time of the month!"

"Say no more," Luke said hastily. "I beg you. I'll be over there."

"Bye," grinned Lorelai and he practically ran over to the counter. "Nice save," she whispered, as Rory picked up her spoon and looked slightly glum. "What's up?"

"I think it would be better in cones."

On the way back Rory and Lorelai stopped as they heard a shriek of,

"Doll! Doll!"

"Hey Babette," Rory said, going over and giving her neighbour a hug. "Hey Miss Patty."

"Hello, Rory," beamed Miss Patty. "How is New York treating you? Well, I hope, and the young men, too."

"Oh, well..."

"Are you seeing anyone?" Babette demanded. "Seeing those male forms on Broadway makes you want to break those marital vows!"

"Um," Rory said awkwardly. "Not really."

"Not really?" Miss Patty echoed and Babette exclaimed,

"If I had your body I'd be with a different man every night!"

Lorelai coughed and Rory tried not to laugh.

"Thanks, I guess."

"So there hasn't been any action?" Babette asked and then she grinned, nudging her friend. "She's blushing! Come on, sugar, spill!"

"There's nothing really to tell," Rory said, looking at her mother and Lorelai said hastily,

"You know guys, Rory's really bushed, she's had a long day..."

"Oh, say no more! You girls want cocoa?"

"Thanks, but we're good. I think we're just going to crash with a movie and go to bed."

"I'm sure Rory is tired," teased Miss Patty. "Tiring all those men of New York! Oh, to be young again!"

"Goodnight, guys," Lorelai said firmly and she and Rory ran the rest of the way home, Babette and Miss Patty laughing in their wake.

"Should I be concerned that they think I sleep with a different guy every night?" Rory asked and Lorelai shook her head.

"It's their way of paying a compliment. It was the first thing they said to me when I moved here with you – their unique way of welcoming me to the neighbourhood."

"There really is no place like home," commented Rory. "Nowhere quite as insane."

"I think that calls for a viewing of _The Wizard of Oz_," Lorelai announced. "_And Dirty Dancing_."

"And only here would you connect those two movies," Rory remarked. "I'll set it up."

"You _what_?"

It was the following morning and Rory had gone to see Lane. They were sitting on the steps of the gazebo and Lane was staring at her friend with her mouth open.

"I just told you!"

"You slept with Jess?" Lane exclaimed. "Multiple times?"

"Well, I'd hardly say multiple..."

"I can't believe this, Rory. I had a feeling you'd kiss or something, but wow..."

"Yeah," Rory said shyly. "I can't really get my head around it."

"So how did it happen? All the details – not the gory ones – well, some gory ones!"

"I don't know," Rory said, blushing. "I went over to his place after I heard about Logan and we got to talking. We talked about when I dropped out of Yale and how messed up it all was and he was comforting me and then we started kissing."

"Aww," Lane sighed. "And then...?"

Rory shook her head.

"Not then. I freaked out when his roommate came in. We didn't talk all week and then he showed up at my apartment and we had a huge fight about how we'd ever hurt each other and then..."

"Oh, wow," Lane sighed. "That's so romantic."

"Really?"

"Well, it's exciting. I'm so living vicariously through you. So now you're together again?"

Rory bit her lip and looked at her hands.

"I'm not sure."

"You're not sure?" Lane asked, confused. "You're sleeping together."

"Yeah, but we haven't really talked about it," Rory said, blushing. "We're kind of in this weird inbetween zone."

"Rory Gilmore, you bad girl," Lane teased, making Rory laugh. "I never expected you to go for that."

"Neither did I," Rory admitted. "I didn't plan on it, but I think we need to talk about it. I don't know how good I am at casual stuff in the long run, it's just, it's Jess, you know. I can't picture us as a couple."

"Oh, I can."

"You can?" asked Rory, staring at her and Lane exclaimed,

"Oh Rory, come on! You two were addicted to each other! And I know what you're going to say, that it was ten years ago, but think about it. You two always seem to fall back to each other. The kiss in Philadelphia? The moment in his apartment? And now you're sleeping together and you have the exact same look on your face when you talk about him now that you did when you were eighteen!"

"I do?"

"You totally do."

"I love having him back in my life," Rory said, sighing. "And it doesn't feel strange when we're kissing or anything, it feels natural, but I just can't see it. Mom's right though. I need to talk about it."

"You told your mom?"

"Um, no," Rory said awkwardly. "She kind of walked in on us last night."

Lane stared at her and started laughing.

"Walked in on as in..."

"Oh yeah, she saw everything. She drove up to surprise me and well, we both ended up surprised."

"Oh, wow. Was it bad?"

"Do you remember the time where Mom, Dad and Luke caught me and Logan at Grandma and Grandpa's vow renewal?" Rory asked and Lane nodded. "This was worse by _tenfold_."

"Really? Imagine if Luke and your dad had been there too."

"Oh, don't."

"Was she mad?"

"She was a little hurt that I didn't tell her but she wasn't mad. She's okay with it now."

"Why didn't you tell her?" Lane asked curiously and Rory shrugged.

"I haven't even figured it out yet. I didn't know how to tell her."

"Guess her walking in solved that," sniggered Lane and Rory gave her a gentle push. "So what's Luke going to say?"

"I haven't told him yet. How am I going to put it? I'm sleeping with his nephew but don't know if we're in a relationship yet?"

"I guess," Lane said, frowning. "You never had these problems in the Kim household – it was just assumed you'd marry whoever you were with! I think Luke would be happy though."

"Yeah? He'd probably be the only one in Stars Hollow who would."

"I'd be happy."

"Okay, two people. Places like these have long memories, no one liked Jess."

"Well, it doesn't matter what they think," Lane said boldly. "You shouldn't just base it around what went wrong ten years ago. You should give it a shot."

"I guess," Rory said and she gave Lane a hug. "I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"You're very go-getting," Rory said, looking at her in admiration. "Telling me to forget what Stars Hollow thinks!"

"Hey, I married a non-Korean which in my family is worse than leaving church!" Lane exclaimed and Rory laughed. "If I can do it you can."

"True. It's not really about that though, it's more about me freaking out. I guess I just have to talk to him."

"And have more sex," Lane teased and Rory went red. "It'll be okay. What's he like now, anyway?" she asked curiously. "I haven't seen him in ten years."

"He's...grown up," Rory said thoughtfully. "He's still Jess, he's still a little sarcastic, still reads more than anyone and still always seems a little amused by everything but he's older. He's not that teenage kid who was mad at everyone. He's worked through a lot of stuff. He's published two books!"

"Is he still hot?" Lane giggled and Rory grinned.

"Yeah, he's still hot."

They looked at each other and fell apart laughing.

"Safe drive home, okay?" Lorelai said anxiously. "You won't try any weird shortcuts."

"Shortcuts on the interstate?"

"You know what I mean! And please be safe in other ways too."

"Mom!"

"I'll feel better if I say it," Lorelai insisted. "And now let us never speak of it again."

"I'm with you on that," Rory said strongly. "Bye Mom."

"Bye kiddo."

"I know you're going to spill about this to Sookie and Dad," Rory remarked, throwing the last of her things in the car and Lorelai gasped dramatically.

"I am hurt that you don't think I can keep a secret!"

Rory gave her a look.

"Okay, I might end up blabbing to Sookie," Lorelai said. "But I won't tell your dad."

"Mom, I know you. If Dad asks you'll end up telling him, I know you will. He'll get it out of you."

"I'll try not to."

"It's okay," Rory said, patting Paul Anka goodbye. "Just as long as he doesn't call me harassing me about it."

"I won't let him."

"Bye, Mom," Rory said, giving her mother a big hug. "I miss you already."

"Oh Rory, don't make me cry."

"I'll call as soon as I'm back," Rory said, sniffling. "And I'll call after I talk to Jess."

"You'd better."

Rory kissed her on the cheek and climbed into the car.

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll call before I ever surprise you again," Lorelai said and Rory laughed, starting up the car.

"No, you won't, but thanks!"

An hour or so after Rory had left Lorelai found herself knocking at Sookie's door.

"Hey," she exclaimed, opening it. "Did we make plans?"

"No," Lorelai said. "Sorry for just dropping in. Are you busy?"

"Not really – Jackson's just headed to the vegetable patch and the kids are in bed. What's up?"

"Rory's just left," Lorelai said miserably and Sookie gave her a hug.

"Why didn't you say that straightaway? Come on, I'll make you some coffee and there's chocolate from that event last week."

Lorelai followed her friend inside and smiled at the sight of three freckled faces staring at her from the stairs: Davey, aged nine, Martha seven and Ellen five.

"I think we have visitors."

"Back to bed!" Sookie exclaimed, chasing them upstairs, ignoring their cries of wanting to see Aunt Lorelai.

"They're so sneaky," Sookie sighed, coming back down and falling onto the sofa. "Hey, you didn't have to get the stuff ready."

"I wanted to."

"So how's Rory?"

"Good. I miss her already."

"Is something wrong?" Sookie asked, frowning at the sight of her friend's face. "Oh, there is. What is it, sweetie? Is Rory okay?"

"She's okay," Lorelai sniffled. "She's seeing Jess again."

"Jess?" frowned Sookie and then her eyes widened. "Jess, as in that boy who..."

"That's the one."

"That kid who thought he was James Dean?" Sookie exclaimed. "How did this happen? Why is she back with him?"

"He moved back to New York," Lorelai said. "And she's not exactly back with him...well, they're more than just friends, let's put it like that, but they're not going out."

"This is Rory?" Sookie exclaimed. "Wow."

"I know, it's not like her, and I don't think she can carry on with it. She's falling in love with him again, I know she is, I can tell."

"What about him?"

"I don't know what he thinks," Lorelai said bitterly. "We haven't had a chance to chat."

"You still hate him, don't you?"

"I don't still hate him," Lorelai said and then she shook her head. "Ugh. This sucks. Okay, part of me hates him on a serious level. I know it's not fair, I know it was a long time ago and he's an adult now but he still crushed my daughter's heart and I got the lovely view of him...being friends with her which didn't help matters."

"You what?" Sookie exclaimed. "You saw them having sex? How? Why?"

"It was not intentional," Lorelai said, rather unnecessarily. "I drove up to New York to surprise Rory and her door was open and I just marched in saying surprise and we both, er, got surprised. Stop laughing!"

"It's pretty funny," Sookie said, wiping her eyes and Lorelai said,

"I'll remind you of that if you ever catch your kids doing something like that."

"They will not!" Sookie exclaimed. "They are never having sex, not until after I'm dead anyway though at the rate Davey pulls stunts that'll probably be sooner than later."

"Maybe one day I'll laugh about it," Lorelai said doubtfully. "After a long course in therapy. That little jerk. I wanted to rip his head off, and other things."

Sooki started giggling and Lorelai groaned.

"I'm the mother from hell, aren't I?"

"No, you're just a mother," Sookie said seriously. "You just want to protect your kid."

"I know why Rory didn't want to tell me," Lorelai sighed. "I can't help it. I don't want to hate him – not really – and I know he's an adult but I can't control it."

"Maybe you'll change your mind when you see him."

"When I_ see_ him?" Lorelai exclaimed. "You mean if they start going out and she brings him home or something? Oh, God."

"Jess Mariano," Sookie mused. "Wow. That's a name I haven't thought about it in the longest time."

"What did you think of him?"

"Gosh," Sookie said. "I remember thinking he acted too smart for his own good. I think it kind of went downhill after he bailed on the dinner I made."

"Not the greatest first impression, huh?" Lorelai asked, wrinkling her nose. "He was charming to me that night too."

"He didn't try to make any of it right. It was as though he was determined for everyone to hate him."

"I think he wanted them to."

"Except Rory," Sookie said thoughtfully and Lorelai nodded.

"Except Rory. And then he went and broke her heart too."

Sookie sighed and Lorelai said,

"I just can't imagine him now. I mean, I did see him the other night but besides the fact that I'm trying very hard to block it out, I can't imagine him as an adult. It's so weird."

"Well, he's still the same guy."

"And that's just it," Lorelai said tearfully. "What if he goes and breaks her heart all over again?"

"Oh Lorelai, I didn't mean that. I'm sure he's not going to hurt Rory."

"I know, it's just hard," Lorelai said, blinking the tears out of her eyes. "I trust Rory, she's all grown up but I can't help worrying. I just can't help seeing Jess as the boy he broke her heart."

"I know."

"I'm so proud of her," Lorelai said, sniffling. "I'm proud of how independent she is, how smart she is and I don't want to keep her a little girl forever – she's not a little girl and I'm glad she's not – but part of me just wishes she was eight years old again and making a gum wrapper necklace."

"I know," Sookie said gently and Lorelai added,

"Or even if she was sixteen again and just starting Chilton. Do you remember that, Sookie? She was so excited and she had such a crush on Dean and she didn't even know how to talk to boys. God, it all feels like a million years ago."

"It was a while ago. She's still Rory, though."

"I just want to protect her," Lorelai said, wiping her eyes. "I know I have to let her live her own life but I just want to keep her safe."

"I know, sweetie," Sookie said, leaning over and giving her a hug. "I know."

Lorelai heard some thumps and then looked up to see Davey, Martha and Ellen standing around them, Martha sucking her thumb.

"Why are you crying, Aunt Lorelai?" Davey asked curiously and Sookie exclaimed,

"Guys, why aren't you in bed?"

"Please, Mommy," Ellen said in an endearing voice and Sookie sighed.

"Five minutes."

The children cheered and clambered over them and as Lorelai put an arm around Martha she said sadly,

"You're lucky they're so little, Sookie. It's hard that they have to grow up."


	33. Chapter 33

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory went over to Jess's apartment after the drive, feeling tired but deciding it was best to talk sooner rather than later. Chris was out and Jess had been sitting in the front room, a notepad and spare pieces of paper in front of him, his fingers blotched with ink from his pen.

"Is that your writing?" Rory asked, going over to it. "I thought you used a computer?"

"I do most of the time but sometimes I prefer it the old way. I feel like I get more rhythm by writing it down."

Roy nodded, staring at all the pieces of paper, Jess's spiky writing gleaming on the page. She yearned to pick it up and read it but it somehow felt too personal, so she simply smiled shyly and turned back round.

"Do you ever write?" Jess asked and Rory shook her head.

"Not outside the paper. It's weird, I love reading so much and journalism but I can't write any kind of story."

Jess shrugged.

"It's not for everyone."

"I guess," Rory said, but she couldn't help feeling inferior and she sat down, feeling miserably frustrated, the way she had when she'd got a reasonable grade on a paper but knew it could have been better.

"Hey, how was the trip?"

"It was good," Rory said, trying not to sound like anything was wrong. "We watched a lot of movies."

"That doesn't surprise me," Jess grinned. "Is Stars Hollow still as charming as ever?"

"The Sadie dance is next Friday."

"You know, it says a lot that I don't know if you're kidding or not," Jess said seriously and they laughed. "I'm glad you had a good time."

"It was good going home. I go back a lot but it always feels like I've been away for longer."

"I guess that's nice," Jess said and Rory looked up. "Missing where you grew up."

"Do you ever go back?"

"To where? The fifty apartments we moved around in?"

"Sorry," Rory said quietly.

"Why are you sorry?"

"It came out insensitive," Rory said and Jess shook his head.

"I don't care."

Rory bit her lip and Jess sighed.

"I'm sorry. That came out sounding all woe is me."

"No, it didn't. I shouldn't have asked."

"Rory, it doesn't bother me," Jess said but Rory couldn't really believe him. She didn't say anything, however and Jess asked,

"Did you see Luke?"

"Yeah."

"Did you tell him about us?" Jess asked and Rory shook her head.

"No. I didn't know how to say it."

"I don't think Luke would care," Jess shrugged and Rory said irritably,

"You can tell him then. He wants you to call."

"He never calls."

"God, you two are like teenagers," Rory said waspishly. "Can't one of you just pick up the phone?"

Jess stared at her and Rory looked away.

"Wow. What's got into you?"

"Nothing."

"So what, then? Why are you in this fantastic mood? Did your mom say something to you?"

"Why would it have to be my mom? Just because we're close?"

"Jeez, Rory, I don't know, maybe it's got something to do with the fact that she walked in on us and you just spent the weekend with her. I have this crazy thought that she said something, I mean, you know how great she is at keeping her opinions to herself."

"Hey!"

"Did she say something?"

"No! Yes!" Rory exclaimed and Jess stared at her, utterly lost. "She just...she asked what's going on between us."

"And?"

"And what _is_ going on between us?" Rory asked in frustration. "What are we doing?"

"I thought it was kind of clear what we were doing."

"You know what I mean, Jess. How do you see us?"

"How do I _see_ us? I don't know, Rory!"

"Oh great, you don't know!"

"Well, you don't seem to have an idea either!" Jess snapped. "I didn't even know this was bothering you until now! Why are you suddenly mad at me because I don't have the answer?"

"It's not bothering me!"

"If it's not bothering you then why are you yelling at me?" Jess asked angrily. "It sucks when you do this!"

"When I do what?"

"When you've decided the rules have changed and it's my fault for not keeping up!" Jess exclaimed and Rory stared at him. "Like when you came back from Washington mad at me because I hadn't sat around waiting for you while you ignored me all summer, and, if my memory's correct, you still had a boyfriend whom you stayed with for another three months!"

"That was more than ten years ago!"

"And old habits die hard!"

Rory didn't know what to say. She stared at Jess, refusing to let herself look down, despite feeling a lump grow in the back of her throat. Jess opened his mouth, beginning to say,

"Look –" but Rory picked up her jacket and cut him off.

"I'm going to go home. I shouldn't have come over."

"Rory –"

"Goodnight," Rory said, forcing herself to turn and walk away and it was only when she was back at her apartment did she allow herself to cry. Everything was ruined. Their easy friendship, their knowledge of each other, being on the same page – all of it wrecked, probably forever and Rory cried and cried. She wished she'd thought about what to say, wished she hadn't even had the conversation with her mother, wished she had never come over that night. Rory knew she had taken it out on Jess and hadn't been fair and that what he'd said about that summer had been true and it hurt. She felt like the worst kind of person. She always felt ashamed about that summer, about those months where she wouldn't own up to her feelings, do the right thing and break up with Dean and had stayed with him for the sake of it, because she was scared which had ended up with everyone hurt. She could never deal with stuff like this. Rory wouldn't break a sweat at a twenty-thousand word article due in for the next day and could rewrite someone else's at the same time but with this she would bolt. Everyone always told her she was smart but she knew that she wasn't, not when it came to this, and she felt like she had when she was sixteen and would clam up around boys while everyone else just _knew _and it was as though they'd all been let in on some kind of secret, some kind of knowledge she'd never had and never would. Rory wiped her eyes just as another bout of tears came over. She'd gone and destroyed one of the best things in her life right now and they would just go back to how they were before – weirdly polite if they bumped into each other, if they could talk to each other and Rory couldn't bear it. She couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him again, touching him, arguing about books with him, being with him ever again and cried so hard that she didn't hear the knock on the door.

"Go away," Rory sobbed but the knocks were insistent and finally she wiped her face as best she could and threw the door open, ready to yell at whoever was bothering her.

"What?" she started to snap and then stopped in surprise. Jess was standing there with a novel by Gissing and a shy expression.

"Someone let me in."

"What's that?" Rory asked dimly, looking at the book and he handed it to her.

"I thought you might like to read it."

"Thanks," sniffled Rory, wiping at her eyes again. "Jess, why did you come?"

"I'm sorry," Jess said desperately. "I'm really sorry."

Rory smiled through her tears.

"Why are you sorry?" she asked. "I was the one who was a jerk."

"No, you weren't," Jess said stepping in, and Rory gave him a look. "Okay, maybe you were," he agreed, looking at her carefully. "But so was I. I had no right to say that about your mom."

"Even if it's true," Rory finished for him. "No, you didn't."

"I was just mad," Jess said. "And I'm sorry about yelling that other stuff."

"You were just being honest," Rory sniffled, putting the book down. "I was taking it out on you and I was doing what I did back then. I'm so sorry, I suck at stuff like this."

Jess didn't say anything for a moment and looked at her.

"You did do that," he said eventually. "And I do hate it when you do that but I'm sorry I said it the way I did."

"It's true."

"Yeah, but I know I was kind of a jerk back then too," Jess said. "I wouldn't have wanted to go out with me."

"Well, that would have been weird," giggled Rory and he nodded, laughing a little.

"I'm really sorry, Jess," Rory said, the last of her tears falling down her cheeks. "I just freaked out and took it all out on you."

"Look, let's both say we're sorry," Jess said eventually. "We were both jerks."

"That sounds good," Rory sniffled and he took her hands and kissed her, getting her tears on his face. Rory reached up and wiped them away and he took her hand and kissed it before pulling her towards him and kissing her more roughly. Rory put her hands around his back, pressing him onto her, feeling the heat grow between her legs and as they stumbled into the bedroom and onto the bed Jess started to ask,

"Can I -?"

"Don't ask," Rory whispered furiously. "Just keep kissing me."


	34. Chapter 34

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory opened her eyes in the early dawn, gentle light flooding the room. She looked down and saw that there were ink blotches all over her body and she smiled, looking over at Jess who was deeply asleep, one arm flung over her. She moved further down the bed, making Jess stir and he mumbled,

"What's going on?"

"Shh," Rory said, moving nearer to him. "It's early, go back to sleep."

He already was. Rory closed her eyes and fell into a contented sleep.

The smell of coffee filled her nostrils and Rory woke to see Jess standing next to the bed with two cups.

"Boy, are you good to wake up to," Rory grinned, sitting up and then frowning. "How long have you been there?"

"Rory, it takes about two seconds for you to sense that there's coffee in the room."

"True," Rory admitted, taking it from him. "It would just be a little creepy if you'd been there for like an hour."

"You know patience was never my strong point."

"Also true," Rory agreed, sipping it. "That's the best."

"Yeah, well I honed coffee talent after working at the diner."

"Such a good skill," Rory said happily. "I mean it. How long have you been up?"

"About half an hour."

"What time is it?"

Jess glanced at the clock.

"It's ten."

"Really?" Rory asked and he nodded. Rory drank a little more coffee and then put it down, totally horrified. "It's _ten_?"

"Yeah – hey, what's wrong?"

Rory had leapt out of bed and started throwing on clothes.

"It's ten!" she shrieked. "It's ten on Monday and I'm meant to be at work!"

"It's Monday?"

"Well, it's the day after Sunday isn't it?"

"Why didn't your alarm go off?"

"I forgot to set it! Why aren't you freaking out? Don't you have to be at work?"

"I don't work Mondays."

"I do," fretted Rory. "I've never been late, not once, I've never even taken a day off sick and now I won't get there until eleven and that's the entire morning gone!"

"Rory, relax!"

"Relax?" Rory exclaimed, stopping between trying to put on a dress over a skirt. "This is my job, this is my _career_, what am I going to do?"

"Play hooky."

Rory stared at him, speechless.

"That's not funny."

"Who says I was kidding?"

"I can't _play hooky_!" Rory exclaimed. "I've got serious work to do!"

"You've already missed the morning and you've never missed a day before."

"That's not the point!"

"You've played hooky before," Jess said and Rory stared at him, confused, before remembering.

"Oh come on, Jess. That was in high school."

"This is one day off work – a half day. It won't make you any less than the most responsible person I know."

Rory looked at him, wavering, before shaking her head and picking up her cell phone. Her heart sank as she checked it: five missed calls from work, two texts and a missed call from her mother.

"Here goes," she said, biting her lip and calling. Someone answered and before Rory could even begin to explain her colleague said anxiously,

"Rory, are you okay?"

"Well –"

"Are you sick? You must be sick, you never miss work. Don't worry about anything. Janice has taken your project for the day and Martin can take it tomorrow if he needs to."

"Oh, I'll be there tomorrow!"

"Is it a twenty-four hour thing?"

"Something like that," Rory said awkwardly and before she could go any further her friend said firmly,

"Rest up and get better and we'll see you tomorrow. Bye."

She hung up and Rory stared at the phone in her hand.

"She told me it's covered."

"Okay, then."

"No, not _okay then!"_ Rory exclaimed. "It's wrong!"

"Rory, this is your first ever day off and I'm willing to bet any amount of money you'll never do it again. They have it under control and practically the whole morning is gone anyway."

Rory didn't say anything and Jess added,

"Are you going to go in like that?"

Rory looked down and saw that she was wearing an interesting outfit of black pants, a green skirt and pink dress put on backwards.

"Shut up," she grumbled as Jess started to laugh. "I mean it."

"You have to see the funny side."

"It isn't funny," Rory moaned, putting a hand to her head. "I can't believe I forgot to set the alarm. How could I forget that? How could I forget today is Monday?"

"I can give you a reason," Jess smirked and Rory rolled her eyes and sat down, starting to pull off the pants.

"What am I going to do?"

"Play hooky," Jess insisted and she looked up. "Go on Gilmore, I dare you."

Rory shook her head and started laughing.

"Only because they have it under control," she said. "And because I am never, ever going to do anything this stupid again."

"Everyone needs a stupid moment once in a while," Jess said. "Even you."

"Even me?"

"Especially you."

"I don't know if that's a compliment or not," Rory said. "But what the hell."

"You haven't played hooky in ten years," Jess grinned. "I'm honoured."

"You should be. Just let me get changed."

Twenty minutes later Rory and Jess were walking down the street, away from her apartment. It was a warm morning and the sky was blue and Rory couldn't help smiling.

"It's so weird being out on a Monday."

"Good weird?"

"Well, the streets are clearer."

"And the day is yours," Jess said, making her grin. "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know."

"Are you hungry?"

"Actually, I am," Rory realised. "I'm starved and I didn't even finish that coffee."

"Bill's?

"Sounds good."

They walked along in silence for a little while and then Rory looked at Jess curiously.

"Hey, what do you do now?"

"For money? Temp a little, do some freelance work. Hopefully we'll get a grant to open something like the Truncheon again."

"You totally deserve it."

"Let's hope the people who give it out do."

They got the train across the subway and made their way into the little coffee shop. Bill himself was wiping down the tables and smiled in surprise.

"You just missed the morning rush. I don't normally see you on a Monday."

"It's kind of a weird day," Jess said truthfully. "Could you bring us some coffee?"

"Sure. Do you want the danish deal?"

"Yes," leapt in Rory, grinning. "Thanks."

"Coming right up."

"I remember that danish deal in Luke's," Jess said as they went over to their table. "You and your mom would come running in like a pair of wolves."

"We were not like a pair of wolves!" Rory exclaimed, laughing at the look he gave her. "Okay, maybe a little, but it was Danish Day after all."

"And whenever you wanted sugar," Jess remarked and Rory grinned self-consciously.

"What can I say? Some women like shoes, we love sugar."

"I think it's a wise choice."

Bill brought over the coffee and food and they slowly ate breakfast in silence, Rory looking out of the window at the brilliant blue sky, the clearest it had been in weeks.

"What are you thinking about?" Jess asked, bring her back down to earth and Rory shook herself.

"Huh?"

"You looked pensive."

"I'm just thinking...how _do_ you see us?" Rory asked seriously. "I promise not to yell, I'm just curious."

Jess was silent for a moment.

"I don't know," he said eventually. "None of it seems to fit, whatever word I'd choose."

Rory nodded and put her cup down, letting him talk.

"I mean, you're more than just my friend," he said slowly. "You've always been more than that, but you're not...we're not in a relationship."

"No," Rory said quietly and she looked at him. "You're not seeing anyone else, are you?"

"What?" Jess exclaimed. "Of course not, why would you think that? Don't you think I'd have mentioned that somewhere between having sex?"

"I didn't mean to accuse you or anything, I didn't think you did, Lane said you didn't –"

"_Lane_?"

"I..." Rory went red. "It was ages ago. She said you wouldn't have a girlfriend."

"Look, hold on," Jess said, putting a hand up. "What am I missing here? Why did you think I had a girlfriend?"

"Nothing, it was just because I saw those condoms and –"

"What condoms?"

"In your medicine cabinet," Rory mumbled and Jess stared at her.

"When did you go through my medicine cabinet?"

"I didn't go through it," Rory said, wishing for a convenient hole to swallow her up. "It was when I came over that time and my hair got wrecked and I looked to see if there was a brush and there were condoms and I didn't know whose they were."

"I wondered why I found one by the door," Jess said and started to laugh.

"Stop it!" Rory exclaimed, going more and more red. "I knew I shouldn't have told you!"

"Did you pocket any?"

"No, I didn't _pocke_t any!" Rory said indignantly before noticing Jess was teasing her. "You're a jerk!"

"Hey, I'm not the one who went through my ex's condom stash!"

"It wasn't like that!"

"Relax, I'm just kidding," Jess said before looking at her curiously. "How come you picked them up?"

"I wondered if there was a name on them," Rory admitted and Jess lay back in his chair, weak with laughter.

"Why, do you label yours?"

"No!" Rory exclaimed, going bright red.

"I'm concerned that you took that question seriously," Jess said, wiping his eyes and Rory couldn't help laughing herself, relieved that he wasn't annoyed.

"So they're not yours?" Rory asked eventually and he shook his head, grinning.

"They're Chris's, though he said I could take any if I got lucky one night."

"Have you?"

"Not since I've seen you again," he said and Rory nodded. "Why didn't you just ask me?"

"Because of this humiliation!" Rory exclaimed and he chuckled. "And because I knew it would be an awkward conversation," she admitted and he nodded. "I knew it would sound like it bothered me."

"Does it bother you?" Jess asked and Rory nodded, deciding to be honest.

"I would feel horrible if you with someone else," she said, looking into his eyes. "Even if it was just a one-night thing I'd feel awful."

"I'd feel bad if I saw you with a guy," Jess said and Rory smiled slightly.

"Really?"

"Of course it would."

Rory had an urge to lean over the table and kiss him but, suddenly shy, she picked up the last piece of her danish and broke into tiny pieces instead.

"You're looking pensive again," Jess remarked and Rory sighed.

"I feel like this should be a great moment."

"What do you mean?"

"We're both on the same page," Rory said. "We both see each other as more than friends, we both don't want to be with other people so..."

"You want to be together again"

"I don't know," Rory said truthfully. "It feels like it might be too big a step."

"Well, I promise not to pin you or anything."

"Jess!"

"I know what you mean," Jess said eventually. "I've missed you, Rory, and it...it really killed me back when we broke up and didn't talk."

"Me too," Rory said quietly.

"But it's been so long since we were together," Jess continued. "And part of me thinks that I should get over myself and not keep thinking back to how it ended last time and the other part thinks it's crazy, it's too far."

"We're still us," Rory said and he nodded. She was glad that he didn't just say it had been a long time ago and it didn't matter now.

"I like where we are," Rory said honestly. "It's just...I've never been in this kind of friendship before, though it's not even that, it's like we're halfway between the two, and are we going to stay like this forever?"

"I don't know," Jess said honestly and Rory blushed.

"That sounded really corny, didn't it?"

"No," Jess said, shaking his head and then he looked at her and asked carefully, "Are we being scared?"

"I don't know," Rory said. "Probably. I wouldn't do this with anyone else."

"I guess the deal is, we're us," Jess said truthfully.

"That's right. We're us."

After the coffee and danish Rory and Jess stepped out into the sun, shielding their eyes as it blinded them. Despite being Monday the streets had suddenly got busier and they pressed into the wall to avoid the crowd.

"Where do you want to go?" Jess asked and Rory frowned before smiling, inspiration hitting.

"Washington Square Park!"

"Your wish is my command."

Half an hour later they stood in the middle of the vast green space, a fountain behind them and Rory turned around in a circle and smiled.

"It's just how I remembered."

"I still know exactly which bench it was that you interrupted me on," Jess aid Rory laughed in disbelief.

"You can't."

"I do."

He led her over to a bench to the left and pointed.

"It was this bench where I was reading Tom Wolfe many moons ago when someone snuck up behind me and I looked round to see this small-town girl in a school uniform and a cast on her arm, looking like she'd just pulled a bank heist."

"How can you know it was _this_ bench?"

"Because I picked the same one every time," Jess explained and Rory felt embarrassed. "But I would know, anyway," he added. "I remember everything about that day."

"So do I."

They smiled and sat down on the bench together and Rory pulled out the book Jess had given her last night.

"So Gissing, huh?"

"I figured you'd like it better than flowers."

"I didn't think you'd like this kind of book," Rory said, turning it round and Jess shrugged.

"You shouldn't limit yourself to one genre. He's got some cool things to say."

"Sounds it," Rory said and Jess took it from her and opened it to the contents.

"You should look at those chapters especially," he said. "I made notes."

"I will," Rory said, smiling, and they leant towards together and kissed.

They sat in the park for an hour or so, watching the people going by and arguing over what kind of book was best before drifting into a comfortable silence. It was only when Jess shook her shoulder that Rory sat in surprise, noticing how hungry she was.

"What?"

"You were dozing."

"In _public_?" Rory exclaimed, mortified. "Was I drooling?"

"No, but you were last night," Jess said seriously and Rory stared at him in horror. "Joke," he added and she swatted him with the book.

"What time is it?"

"Two."

"Do you want to get some lunch?"

"Sure," Jess said, getting up and stretching his legs. "Let's find somewhere."

"Do you think that hotdog stand is still there?" Rory asked and Jess shook his head.

"I know it's not."

"That blows."

"It was a long time ago."

"How about the record place?"

"I don't know about that."

"Let's get lunch and find out," Rory decided and he nodded, taking her hand as they walked out of the park.

They found a hotdog stand not too far from where the old one had been and while it was not a patch on the original Rory still felt it was worth every cent. They caught the subway across town and Rory's heart broke as they stood at where the shop had been, dark and empty with a sign for rent.

"This sucks," she said sadly. "It really, truly sucks."

"Yeah, it does," Jess said quietly and Rory had a strange urge to cry, despite not having been back or thinking of it for ten years. "Stuff never stays the same."

"Hold on," Rory said, catching sight of something in the window and she leant forward and saw that it was a small card with some information. Her mouth broke into a wide smile.

"It hasn't gone!"

"What are you talking about? Isn't this an empty store?"

"It's moved premises!" Rory exclaimed. "Just round the corner!"

"Let's go."

The store wasn't much different inside, for all it being in a different building it was still dark with an underground feeling with a wonderfully miscallenous collection. It was run by a woman now who was in her thirties and introduced herself as the daughter of the former owner. Rory ad Jess quietly leafed through the vinyl for a while, each at opposite ends of the shop, until Rory's eyes landed on something and she shrieked,

"No way!"

"What?" Jess asked, coming over and Rory leapt up and down with a record in her hand.

"I found it! The Go-Gos record, signed by Belinda! I knew it, I knew there wasn't just one copy and I found it!"

"The record you left on the bus?" Jess asked and Rory nodded, beaming.

"I said I'd make it up to Mom one day. I knew there'd be another copy somewhere in the world."

"You didn't look online?" teased Jess and Rory laughed at him.

"Where's the fun in that? I had to _find_ it!"

She started jumping up and down again and Jess laughed at her.

"You don't want to drop it!"

They walked slowly back through town. The day was drawing to a close and, after buying another hotdog for dinner and eating it on the subway Rory and Jess walked in quiet contentment through the evening streets. Every so often Rory would look down at the record in her hand and smile to herself.

"When are you going to give it to her?" Jess asked and Rory shrugged.

"She has an event at the Dragonfly soon," she said. "But I think I'm just going to surprise her with it. It can be gift for love."

"That's nice," Jess said and Rory grinned.

"It didn't sound too corny?"

"Oh, it was way corny," he said and she laughed. "But it's still nice. Liz and I never do stuff like that."

"You could."

"No, we couldn't," Jess said seriously. "But that's okay. It's just nice what you and Lorelai have."

Rory put her arm around him and they stopped, finding themselves at the park again.

"Let's go for another walk," Rory said suddenly. "One last thing before we head back."

Jess nodded and they walked around in silence for a while. The sun was just starting to dip down, the grass a dusky green and the air felt softer. They finally stopped and stood at the fountain, almost clear of visitors and as Rory leant forward, closing her eyes, she thought she could almost feel the spray on her face.

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"I really want to be with you," Jess said shyly and Rory opened her eyes and turned to look at him, the light throwing a half-shadow onto his face and she felt a strong surge of happiness as a smile formed on her face.

"I really want to be with you too," she said and in the same motion they moved and held each other, kissing deeply.

"I really don't want us to fuck this up," Jess said honestly and Rory squeezed his hand.

"Neither do I."

"I think we're going to fuck it up a bit," Jess said honestly and Rory laughed. "Seeing as it's us. But I think it's fucking it up a lot more if we're too scared to try."

"That sounds right," Rory said and he took her face and they kissed again, for how long Rory would never know.

"I think we should go back," she said eventually. "It's getting late and I really have to show up tomorrow."

"Even after all the good that comes from playing hooky?" Jess teased and Rory laughed.

"It's only worth it once every ten years."

They went back into total silence but didn't need to say a word and while Rory felt more wonderfully terrified than she had ever been before she knew that if they didn't try she would always regret it and what with that, and the strong sense of joy filling her body, she felt that said it all.


	35. Chapter 35

**Thanks for the feedback! I'm so glad everyone enjoyed the chapter.**

For the whole of the next day Rory was in a daze. He was her boyfriend again. Her boyfriend and she would oscillate between wanting to laugh in happiness and die of terror. It was a good kind of terror though, like when she had got the job for the Obama campaign and was leaving the comfort of home, though this was different still. Rory had never felt this way before.

On Tuesday night, after work, Rory picked up her cellphone and felt a rush of guilt, seeing that her mother had called again and she had missed the call. She had intended to call but the last two days had just gone by so fast that it was almost as though she wasn't there, going through the motions of work while she was lost in the thought of her new development in her life.

Rory called her mother's number and Lorelai answered almost instantly.

"Rory! Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"Kid, I called you three times! What's going on?"

"I talked to Jess," Rory said and her mother asked,

"And?" in an anxious voice.

"And...it went well," Rory said, trying to gage her mother's reaction. "Actually, not the first time round – we argued – but he came over and we made up and we spent the day together yesterday and we want to be together again, so...we are. We're together."

"As in_ really_ together?" Lorelai echoed and Rory agreed,

"Really together. We spent the whole day together yesterday and talked and even though we know it's a little weird we want to try. You have to try, right?"

"Right," agreed Lorelai, sounding a little bemused, and then she asked, "The whole day together? What about work? Did you have a holiday?"

"An unintentional one," Rory said, her face flooding red. "My alarm didn't go off and I woke up really late and I called but they wouldn't let me explain and said they had it under control so Jess and I spent it together."

"You took the day off work?" Lorelai exclaimed. "The _entire_ day?"

"I didn't plan on it, it just sort of happened."

"That's not like you, Rory."

"Neither was me taking a day off school and getting a bus to New York!"

"That was in high school," her mother said, after a pause and Rory wanted to cry. The conversation was going completely wrong and she stared at the record she had bought her which she had been so excited to surprise her with. Maybe Lorelai wouldn't even want it now.

"It was one day, Mom," Rory said in a wobbly voice. "I'm never going to do it again and it was an accident."

"I know," Lorelai said, sounding suddenly guilty. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be like Emily about it."

"It's okay," sniffled Rory.

"So...you're together," Lorelai said again and Rory said,

"Yeah, we are. He's my boyfriend again."

Lorelai didn't say anything and Rory felt her heart sink.

"You're not happy for me, are you?"

"What?" Lorelai said. "Of course I am."

"No, you're not, don't lie to me Mom."

"It's just a shock," Lorelai said awkwardlyy. "I'm happy it went well. I'm happy that you're happy."

"You're not happy that I'm happy I'm with him."

"Rory!"

"I have to go, Mom," Rory said, determined to end the conversation before she started crying. "I'm sorry I forgot to call earlier."

"Oh Rory, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you," Rory said quickly. "I have to go, I have something in the microwave."

"Okay," Lorelai said doubtfully. "I'll call tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. Bye Mom. Love you."

"Love you too," Lorelai started to say but she was cut off halfway.

After the phonecall Lorelai sat on the sofa for a long time, the phone still in her hand. She felt horrible and thought that she should call her daughter back, but what could she say? Rory was right, she wasn't honestly happy and Lorelai didn't see how calling and telling her that would help anything.

Lorelai eventually got up and wandered into the kitchen for some marshmallows. She poured some into a bowl and covered them with chocolate sauce and landed on watching a bad movie and falling into a sugar coma. She was just trying to decide between an eighties thriller involving kids getting superpowers at the mall and an early nineties flick where a group of teenager from Ohios decided to form a grunge band to save the town hall when the phone rang, just as she had stuffed five marshmallows into her mouth.

"Worwy?"

"No, it's not_ Worwy_," came Christopher's chuckle. "Who's that?"

"Chris?" asked Lorelai, gulping down the last of the marshmallows and licking her fingers.

"Yep. Is this Lorelai or _Worwawai_?"

"Oh, very funny. I had about five marshmallows stuffed in my mouth."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

"I was hoping you'd be Rory," Lorelai said sadly and Christopher said,

"You hope that whenever I call, I'm feeling very unloved."

"You have a knack for always calling at the worst moment."

"The worst moment? What happened?"

"Nothing," Lorelai sighed, holding the phone between her shoulder and head and going into the kitchen to wash her hands. "We just had a fight."

"A fight?"

"Not really a fight. It wasn't anything, really."

"It was a fight," Christopher said knowingly. "What happened?"

Lorelai was silent for a moment, drying her hands.

"Lor? You still there?"

"She's back with Jess," she said eventually. "She called to tell me."

"Jess? That guy? That jerk she was with?"

"Oh Chris, you never even met him."

"He had sex with my daughter, he's automatically a jerk, plus the stuff you told me didn't exactly paint him in the best light."

"No. Well, it was a long time ago, I guess."

"You don't sound over-enthused."

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't either if you walked in and saw him in bed with your daughter."

"What?" Chris exclaimed. "You never told me that! If I'd caught him having sex with our teenage daughter he wouldn't have made it out of the room alive!"

"Not then, Chris! Now! Last week!"

"Last week?" Chris echoed, confused. "Lor, I'm really lost here. When I last saw Rory she was yelling at me in a way that'd do you proud about how they were just friends and it was none of my business and now you're calling and saying they're back together and that you saw them have sex."

"They stopped being just friends pretty quickly," Lorelai said, going and sitting back down. "I don't know the play-by-play but she went over to his, they ended up making out and then by the end of the week they were sleeping together, something I can verify and desperately trying to scrub out of my mind."

"Wow," Chris said after a pause. "How did you end up seeing that?"

"I went up to New York to surprise Rory and that definitely worked. I still feel nauseas thinking about it."

"You know how they say that's one of those things you'll laugh about in ten years time?" Chris asked after a pause. "Somehow I think that's not going to happen in this case."

"You read my mind."

"So they're back together?" Chris asked eventually. "When did this happen?"

"The other day. She skipped work and spent the day with him."

"She what?" Christopher exclaimed in disbelief. "You're kidding. Our daughter, skipping work?"

"I'm as serious as Straub was when you told him you weren't going into his business."

"That isn't Rory."

"She skipped school to see him once," Lorelai said. "Got a bus all the way to Manhattan in her uniform just to see him."

"I can't imagine Rory doing that."

"He seems to bring it out in her."

"Great, so our kid's going to let her career go down the drain because of him?"

"No," Lorelai said honestly. "That's a little far. I really don't think she'll ever do this again and as much as I'm less than fond of the guy he's not going to try and get her to goof off all the time. He likes that she's smart. I remember that – for hours I'd see them just talk about books, the same book, all day and she'd come home happy because he'd written notes in the margins for her."

"You know, I still can't wrap my head around how we made a kid who likes learning for fun," Christopher said after a pause and Lorelai laughed.

"You and me both. Both of us at sixteen made her?"

"You were smart enough to go to Yale, Lor, I know you were."

"Maybe. I don't know. Even if the small thing of becoming a mom hadn't gotten in the way I don't know if I'd have had the dedication. It was more fun riding in your car than studying."

"_Riding _in my car? You were the one driving it!"

"Oh, that's right!" said Lorelai with a laugh, but then she fell sober. "And now I'm like my mom and worrying about my daughter's relationship."

"And you're not turning cartwheels about it?"

"Not even a handstand," Lorelai said. "Go on, say it, I know you want to."

"I do. I knew it. I knew you hated him. I knew that stuff about being cool about it being ten years ago was a ruse."

"It wasn't a ruse!" Lorelai protested. "I don't want it to be a ruse! I don't want to be like this!"

"Be like what?"

"The kind of mother who doesn't forgive a guy for what he did as a teenager and doesn't trust her daughter's decisions!"

"Lor. You just want to look after her."

"Rory can look after herself."

"But you're still her mother," Christopher said and Lorelai bit her lip. "And she's still your daughter, our daughter."

"I know," Lorelai sighed. "And Chris, when you see her again, don't freak out, okay? Don't be a protective father."

"Lorelai!"

"Don't be _crazily_ protective," Lorelai clarified. "Don't tell her you want to kill Jess or something."

"Rory doesn't care what I think."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is. Why should she? I failed her as a father."

"Oh, Chris. That's not true."

"It is."

"Maybe before, but not now."

"Now's too late," Christopher said. "She's all grown up."

"It's never too late, Chris. Rory will always want you to be her dad."

"She doesn't seem to think so," Christopher said miserably. "I don't even know anything about the guy she's with and how could I? I missed out on that part of her life."

"Chris," Lorelai said. She didn't know what to say. "Don't do this. You can't fix the past."

"I still want to."

"I know," Lorelai said gently. "I know."

Neither of them said anything for a moment and then Christopher said,

"Look, I'd better go, I need to check Gigi's homework."

"And make sure she isn't listening in?" grinned Lorelai. "You're a good dad to her, Chris."

"I hope so."

"You are."

"I try to be. Call me if you want to talk about it."

"I will."

"And Lor? If you want someone to go and punch that punk's lights out I'm your man."

Lorelai burst out laughing.

"He doesn't even have to have done something, I'll punch him for fun."

"I might take you up on that. Goodnight, Christopher."

"Goodnight, Lorelai."


	36. Chapter 36

**Thanks for the feedback! Lorelai's being a little unfair but I think being a mum can blindside you sometimes, especially in her case.**

Later that Jess came over to Rory's but she only gave him a faint smile after they kissed.

"What's wrong?" Jess asked, frowning and Rory said miserably,

"I called Mom and told her about us. She isn't happy."

"What did she say?"

"She didn't say anything, I could just tell."

Jess nodded and Rory asked,

"Are you mad?"

"I'm not surprised."

"But are you _mad_?" Rory pressed and Jess shook his head.

"No, I'm not mad. I never expected her to stop hating me."

"Well, I'm mad!" Rory exclaimed. "She's being really unfair. She didn't even pretend to be happy."

"She's your mom, Rory. She doesn't trust me."

"I'm not asking her to trust you!" Rory said furiously. "I'm asking her to trust me! I'm an adult and you're an adult and she can't get past us being eighteen!"

"Because she's your mom. Liz was passed out for half my childhood and she still asks if I've drunk a glass of milk every day because the doctor recommended it when I was born."

Rory couldn't help smiling and he gave her hand a squeeze.

"Give her a break."

"How can you be so okay with her being like this about you?" Rory asked. "I'd be so angry if I were you."

Jess shrugged.

"I don't really blame her," he said. "Plus we never really saw eye to eye."

"Did you guys ever have a real conversation?"

"We had a chat over some Chinese food once," Jess recalled and Rory looked at him quizzically. "You weren't there, you were out with Dean at a book fair. I remember thinking you should have gone with me instead, we'd have both had a better time."

"Where were you? How'd you wind up in my kitchen?"

"Cleaning your gutters."

"It's coming back now!" Rory gasped. "The day I lost my bracelet and then I found it under my bed! I remember now, you'd gone when I'd got back and Mom was mad at you and I never found out why. What is it? Why are you looking so weird?"

"Nothing."

"It's why you fought!" Rory exclaimed and Jess tried to look away. "Tell me. I've waited long enough, haven't I?"

Jess didn't say anything but proceeded to look increasingly uncomfortable. Rory refused to back down and finally Jess said,

"Let me preface this by saying I was seventeen, very young very immature, liked the excuse of messing with people and that I would never do this now."

"Jess," Rory said in a dangerous voice and he coughed.

"You know how you lost your bracelet?" he said and Rory nodded. "I kind of..._helped_ with that."

Rory frowned and then her eyes widened as the penny dropped.

"You took it!" she exclaimed. "You did, didn't you?"

Jess nodded and Rory shook her head.

"I can't believe I never figured that out," she said in disbelief. "Especially as you gave the helpful hint of _exactly_ where to look."

"It didn't take your mom as long to work it out. Guess I made it kind of obvious after she caught me wandering out of your room while you were running round town searching for the stupid thing."

"I wondered why she was so mad at you," Rory said. "She refused to say. I can't believe she never told me – I can't believe _you_ never told me! Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I was ashamed of myself," Jess said uncomfortably and Rory looked at him, folding her arms. "Okay, not at first," he admitted. "I wanted you to be my girlfriend and I knew chances of that were going to get fairly reduced if I told you I stole precious Dean's bracelet but I did feel bad, later on, but it felt too late to tell you."

"When did you take it?"

"When it fell off your wrist at the picnic."

Rory stared at him, lost for words.

"Would you ever have given it back?" she asked eventually.

"If you'd ever noticed."

"I only noticed because Dean did," Rory remembered. "It was probably over already."

"It was still a jerkish thing of me to do," Jess said sheepishly. "Your mom was right to be so mad at me about it."

"She shouldn't be so mad at you now," Rory said. "It was such a long time ago."

"Yeah, but time doesn't mean much when you're looking out for your kids."

"When did you get so reasonable?" Rory demanded, making him laugh. "That's not fair."

"It came from drinking a glass of milk every day," Jess said seriously and Rory burst into laughter. "Look, you guys will make up soon," he said, giving her a kiss. "You always do."

"We're pretty good at fighting, remember?"

"I think that could only happen once in the universe," Jess said, making her giggle again. "You're not going to fight for long on this, okay? Trust me."

"Why should I trust you?" Rory asked and he grinned and said,

"Don't I look trustworthy?"

"You're a bracelet thief, Dodger," Rory said teasingly. "I can't be sure yet."

"I'll have to make you sure," Jess said and he pulled her towards him and gave her a fierce kiss.

Lorelai called the following evening and as Rory answered the phone they both said,

"I'm sorry," at the same time.

"Why are you sorry?" Lorelai asked in surprise. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I just am," Rory said. "I'm sorry I was mad."

"Oh hon, you don't have to apologise for anything. You were right to be mad. I should have sounded happier on the phone."

"I don't want you to sound happy if you're not," Rory said. "I mean, it might make things smoother but I don't want you to lie to me. I know you don't like him. I know you don't want him to be with me again."

"Rory."

"I'm not mad," Rory said and then she shook her head. "Well, maybe a little, but I'm trying not to be. I get why you don't like him but I don't think it's fair."

"Rory, I really don't want to be someone who can't forgive someone for what they did as a kid," Lorelai said unhappily. "And I know neither of you are kids anymore, it's just hard for me to remember that sometimes."

"I know, Mom."

"You know I want you to be happy," Lorelai said desperately. "And if you've both moved on and want to try again then I want to be happy for you."

"You _want_ to be?"

"Hey, I'm working on it."

"Mom, Jess isn't that boy with all those issues anymore. You just judge him for what he did when he was eighteen. He's an adult, he's an author and I really think you'd like him."

"Let's not get too optimistic."

"Let's not just decide to dislike him automatically!" Rory exclaimed and Lorelai fell silent. "Mom, you know you're not being fair. You did some crazy stuff when you were sixteen, it wouldn't be fair if everyone was just treated by that."

"He didn't make anyone pregnant, did he?"

"Mom!"

"Okay, okay, I get your point. It's just hard, Rory. I'm your mom, sometimes logic goes out of the window."

"That's what Jess said."

"Really?"

"He said it's harder when it's your kid," Rory said and Lorelai was slightly lost for words.

"Wow. Sounds like he really has grown up."

"He's sorry about the bracelet thing."

"The bracelet thing? The _Dean_ bracelet? He told you, after all this time?"

"How come you never did?" Rory demanded. "He told me how you figured it out and that's why you were so mad. How come you never told me? I thought you didn't want us to be friends, I thought you'd be telling me the moment you found out."

Lorelai was silent for a moment.

"You were so happy," she said eventually. "When you found your bracelet and I didn't want to ruin it for you."

"I guess."

"And it was because of something Jess said," Lorelai continued, sounding uncomfortable. "I told him he was a jerk, that he was just jealous of Dean and how much you guys loved each other but then he asked me how it was that it had been two whole weeks since you'd noticed it was gone and I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what you would say. I liked Dean, he was so good to you and he was making less than a stellar impression. I didn't want to make you feel horrible about not noticing for so long. I didn't want to make you rethink your relationship."

"Yeah," Rory said sadly and Lorelai said anxiously,

"I'm sorry I never told you."

"It's okay. I probably wouldn't have told me if I'd been you."

There was a small silence and then Rory asked curiously,

"What did you talk about?"

"Huh?"

"You and Jess? When I was out and you had Chinese, what did you talk about? Jess said you had a chat."

"Oh wow, that's going back. We talked about how he hated team sports, I remember that, and about how no one could eat healthier than Luke, not even Yule Gibbons. That made me laugh. He was sort of shy, it was sweet, in a way. He said he wasn't any good at small talk."

"Doesn't sound too terrible."

"He was trying," Lorelai said with a small laugh. "Too bad he wrecked it with the bracelet felony."

"He was trying? Trying to do what?"

"To be nice to me, I guess," Lorelai said thoughtfully. "And I never understood why."

Rory was silent and memory swept into her brain, a teenage girl telling off a sarcastic boy and she smiled to herself.

"I know why," she said softly. "I know."

Lorelai waited for an explanation but none came.

"I'm going to let you go, Rory," she said. "Are we okay now?"

"Of course we're okay."

"I am sorry," Lorelai said honestly. "I will try to give him a chance. Maybe...maybe he could come over sometime."

"Really? For dinner?"

"Maybe not dinner...something, anyway."

"Okay," Rory said, slightly in disbelief. "That'd be nice."

"Well, we can talk about it later. Bye, sweets."

"Bye, Mom."

After the phonecall Rory went to Jess's apartment. Chris was playing a video game so they went into Jess's room and sat on the bed.

"I called Luke," Jess told her. "I told him about us."

"Wow. What did he say?"

"That."

"Huh?" frowned Rory and Jess laughed.

"He said _wow_. He just said that about five times."

"Was it a good wow or a bad wow?"

"Luke isn't a man of many words. Good, I think. I think he was a little in shock."

"I'm sure him and Mom are analysing it to death as we speak," Rory said and Jess chuckled. "She called me just now. We made up."

"I said you would."

"She wants you to come over," Rory said and Jess stopped and stared at her. "She wants to try to like you."

"She wants to _try_ to me like me?" Jess exclaimed. "And she thinks the place to do that is Stars Hollow?"

"It might not be so bad."

"It's Stars Hollow!"

"Well, we didn't make a real plan," Rory said, taking his hand. "And it would probably just be at our house and you might get to see Luke."

Rory could see him biting back a sarcastic remark and he sighed.

"I guess. I'll try, too."

"I know you will," smiled Rory and she gave him a kiss. "Thank you."

"It's no big deal."

"I mean for the Yule Gibbons reference," Rory said, kissing him again and, utterly confused but not complaining, Jess kissed her back.

Lorelai sighed and headed to Luke's for emergency doughnuts and icecream. It was late and the diner was nearly empty but Lorelai still sat up at the counter. Luke raised his eyebrows.

"Who died?"

"No one died," Lorelai said irritably. "I just had an awkward conversation with Rory."

"I just had an awkward conversation with Jess, so that makes two of us."

"Jess called?" Lorelai asked, looking up. "What did he tell you?"

"What makes you think there was something to tell?"

They stared at each other for a moment and then Lorelai said,

"You know, don't you?"

"That Rory and Jess are back together? I hope that's all I'm meant to know."

"I certainly hope there aren't any more surprises. Can you bring me about fifty doughnuts?"

"How about twenty instead?"

"Fine."

Luke emerged shortly with a plate of them and icecream on the side and Lorelai sighed gratefully.

"My hero."

"My superpower is supplying doughnuts and icecream?"

"And it's a fine one at that."

Luke rolled his eyes and let Lorelai eat. After the plate was half empty she groaned and sat back, holding her stomach.

"I feel sick now but it was totally worth it."

"I take it you're not over the moon about their relationship?" Luke asked, a twinkle in his eye and Lorelai made a face.

"I'm trying to be happy about it. I guess it's not that easy seeing as the last time I saw him he'd gone and broken my daughter's heart...though technically, it's not the last time I saw him. That wasn't great either."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know the time I went to New York to see Rory?" Lorelai asked and Luke nodded. "Well, I walked into her apartment and saw them, er, getting to know each other again."

"What?" Luke exclaimed. "And you didn't tell me?"

"Oh, that would have been a great conversation piece! _Hi Luke, I just went to New York and saw your nephew having sex with my daughter! How about some coffee?"_

"So that's why you and Rory were being so weird! They've been going out that long?"

"They weren't going out at that point," Lorelai said and he gave her an odd look. "They were...I can't think of a phrase which isn't totally gross."

"That's okay, I get the picture. I can't believe my nephew. I can't believe he didn't tell me, though I guess it's Jess, he sounds like he's being tortured whenever he picks up the phone, like it's so hard to say hello."

"If it makes you feel any better, Rory didn't tell me about any of it until I caught them. I wonder when she would have told me – if she would have told me."

"Maybe she didn't know you'd have had such a great reaction."

"I'm trying," Lorelai said miserably. "I really am."

Luke nodded and Lorelai ate some more doughnuts before looking up curiously.

"Hey, what do you think about all of this?"

"Me? I think it's great," Luke said honestly. "I really do."

"Seriously?"

"He's always been crazy about her and, look, I know this was years ago but he always seemed to care more around her."

Lorelai gave him an odd look and Luke added,

"He was more focused. He wanted to try. Do you remember when he wouldn't study? Rory was the only one he'd listen to."

"Luke, I hate to make it into something crude but I think that was because he wanted to get into her good books, as well as somewhere else."

"Yeah, I know all that, but I think it was something more. When he published his first book one of the first things he said to me was _I can't wait to tell Rory. I couldn't have done it without her_."

Lorelai let out a sigh.

"I know he's grown up now," she eventually. "It's just hard to remember that sometimes. On Monday she missed work to spend the whole day with him."

"Seriously?"

"She did that in school," Lorelai said. "On my graduation day she took a bus to Manhattan to see him and both times she said to me that she hadn't meant to do it."

"It sounds like something you would do."

"Oh, don't you dare get all Freudian on me or I'll climb over that counter and punch you," Lorelai said dangerously. "Jess is far from my kind of guy as you could get."

"I'm just saying that you like being impulsive and from what I've heard about your teenage years grabbing a bus to Manhattan for fun sounds like something you'd do without thinking about."

"Yes, me, not Rory!"

"She's your daughter. You two are pretty alike. Didn't Christopher have a motorcycle?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Jess has a leather jacket."

"Oh, they are _so_ not alike!" Lorelai exclaimed, flabbergasted. "Haven't you_ met_ Chris?"

"I know they're not alike, I'm just saying they both had a dangerous air."

"Please don't say Rory seeing Jess is like marrying her father or I'll throw up all over this counter."

"I'm not saying anything like that, I'm just saying you both have a lot in common and it's not surprising that you'd like some of the same things in a guy."

"God, I think I'd die of boredom if I went out with Jess," Lorelai said after a shocked pause. "Listening to him talk about books all day?"

Luke started laughing. Lorelai looked annoyed for a moment and then started laughing as well.

"Seeing as he's my nephew and your daughter's boyfriend I think it would be more than weird if you went out with him," Luke remarked. "Freud would have a field day."

"Yeah, well, Freud's a creep," said Lorelai firmly and then was silent for a moment. "He's her boyfriend again," she said, shaking her head. "It's so weird."

"Are you really upset?"

"No," Lorelai, said shaking her head. "I'm working on it anyway. Here, Yule Gibbons, have a doughnut."

"Yule Gibbons?" frowned Luke, taking one and Lorelai laughed.

"Never mind. Just eat."


	37. Chapter 37

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory and Lorelai arranged for her and Jess to come over the following Saturday and Rory could tell Jess was less than enthused.

"It's not going to be so bad," Rory said, trying to make him smile. They had gone for icecream after work and were walking back to her apartment, the evening unseasonally warm. "I promise."

"Ever the optimist."

"Ever the pessimist!" Rory exclaimed, opening the door to the building and going up the stairs. "You could at least try!"

"I never said I wouldn't try, it's just going to suck while I do it."

"Wah, wah, wah," sighed Rory, pushing the door open and knocking over the mail. She looked down absentmindedly, expecting the regular pile of bills and leaflets when her eyes settled on a small, cream-coloured envelope with a dark blue border, her name written in a fancy font.

"What's that?" Jess asked curiously as Rory bent down to pick it up.

"I have no idea."

She carefully slid the envelope open, completely at a loss at who it could be and then unfolded the stiff piece of paper inside. Rory read it, her eyes widening and then she shouted,

"No way!"

"What? What's no way?"

"They can't be serious!"

Rory flung the card down and stared to pace around and Jess exclaimed,

"Who, the Joker? What the hell's going on?"

"Chilton!" Rory said furiously. "_Chilton_ are what's going on! It's been ten years since I graduated so they want the class of 2003 to come back for a nice little reunion!"

"And it won't be nice?" Jess asked tentatively and Rory snapped,

"No, it won't be _nice_! It'll be awkward! It'll be filled with people I didn't know but will have to act like I did, and they'll act the same way and everyone will be swapping to see life stories about who's won!"

"Won what?"

"The most success in life!"

"Wow," Jess said, sounding a little taken aback. "I remember that school freaking you out but I didn't think it was going to go on this long."

"Neither did I. I should have known that school never lets you out of its clutches. You're an inmate for life."

"I thought you liked Chilton?" Jess asked, sitting at the table and picking the invitation up. "For all its craziness you were always happy to talk about your specialist history class or 50,000 word article on its architecture or something like that."

"I liked learning there," Rory said, slowing down and taking a breath. "I liked the hard work and I liked some of the teachers but I didn't love the people so much. I mean, it was hardly a Heathers situation but my one attempt at mixing led to being taken from my bed to my headmaster's office in the middle of the night and being forced to ring a bill while reciting some stupid poem right before the principal showed up."

"Sounds like a plot to a bad porn movie."

"Jess!"

"And I thought public school was messed up," Jess said, laughing. "Stars Hollow High's looking pretty good right about now."

"I got teased for actually studying in study hall but at least the girls didn't kidnap me and make me do a breakin."

"If the memories are so charming then why go?"

"I have to go," Rory said, making a face and sitting down next to him and Jess exclaimed,

"Who says? You did your time there, it's just a stupid reunion."

"No, I _have_ to go," Rory said miserably, pointing at the invitation. "They want me to make a speech. Because I was Valedictorian I'm expected to make a speech."

"And say what?"

"Thank Chilton for everything, I guess," Rory said. "And I thought I was done making speeches for them when I did that stupid Valedictorian speech in the first place!"

"When is this thing?"

"May."

"At least it's a while yet."

"A while that'll go by in no time! It's less than twelve weeks! I've got work, I've got Mom, I've got you...I've got all this other stuff to do and now this! What am I going to talk about?"

"How about the small fact that you graduated Yale and reported for two Obama campaigns and now have a serious job on a New York paper?"

"What about the other stuff? Like when I dropped out, stole a boat and did community service!"

"They won't know."

"Please," Rory snorted. "It's Chilton, they'll know, they have ways."

"Well, so what if they know?" Jess said, leaning forwards in his chair. "Is it such a big deal? I highly doubt you'll be expected to put it in your speech."

"Jess, I get twitchy when I'm nervous," Rory said after a pause. "I'll think about them knowing and even if I don't put it in my speech I'll probably end up blurting it all out on the day!"

"Rory, you made a ton of speeches for that place and you never broke a sweat. I mean, I know I didn't actually go to any but I have it on good sources."

Rory smiled in spite of herself and he took her hand.

"It'll be fine. And if it's not you have a hot boyfriend to come home to."

Rory burst out laughing, her anxiety gone.

"And he's modest too!"

"It's my charm," Jess grinned and then they both jumped as there was a loud knock on the door and, frowning, Rory went and opened it before nearly falling over as Paris burst into the room.

"Did you get it?" she demanded, waving a similar invitation around. "You got one too, didn't you?"

"Hi, Paris," Rory said wearily, closing the door. "Yes, I got it, if you mean the Chilton invitation."

"Those bastards," Paris seethed, scrunching the invitation up in her hand. "Those conniving bastards. How'd they even get my New York address?"

"It's Chilton."

"It's _Charleston_."

"Paris, I think Headmaster Charleston retired a few years ago."

"Oh, it was him alright," Paris said dangerously, marching around Rory's apartment. "It's his signature at the bottom."

"His_ signature_?" Jess interrupted, making them jump. "Jeez, what is with your school? Have they not heard of email?"

"It's Chilton," Rory said, rolling her eyes. "They have to do things the fanciest way possible."

"There's an email as well," Paris put in. "They're being extra sure we get the message. Hey, is he coming?"

She pointed at Jess and he got up, frantically shaking his head.

"Not a chance in hell."

"There's a plus one," Paris said, picking up Rory's invitation and showing it to Rory. "I'm making Doyle go."

Rory turned to Jess and smiled and his face fell into an expression of horror.

"You're _kidding_!"

"I'd like you to come," Rory said. "You can come and support me."

"What about your mom?" Jess asked weakly. "She can support you."

"There's another guest you can bring," Paris chimed in helpfully. "You can be her plus one and Lorelai can be her guest."

"Well, didn't that work out nicely," Jess said sarcastically and Rory looked at him pleadingly.

"Please come. I'm dreading it enough as it is and you never got to see my school."

"I'm sure that's mutually beneficial."

"Come and support me," Rory said and he fell silent. "You're my boyfriend, you should be there."

"Okay," Jess said quietly and Rory gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you."

"Boyfriend?" came a surprised voice from the corner, making them jump. "Well. Look who got beyond being fuck buddies."

"Paris!" Rory exclaimed, going bright red and Paris's eyes narrowed as she glanced at Rory's invitation.

"You're making a speech?"

"I was Valedictorian," Rory said defensively, too embarrassed to look at Jess. "I'm expected to."

"It should have been me."

"Well, I'd much rather you did it."

"Do you think they'd let me?"

"No, somehow I don't."

"It should have been me," Paris said dangerously. "The number of speeches I made for that school."

"Yeah, including the one for CSPAN where you had a meltdown about having sex but not getting into Harvard."

"Hey! Just because you still had that chastity belt tied on!"

"Which you announced to the viewers at home," Rory said, rolling her eyes. "Look, let's talk about this some other time."

"Things could have been very different if it had been a couple of weeks later!" Paris shouted as Rory pushed her out of the door. "You weren't so sweet and innocent that much later, Gilmore, even if you had them fooled!"

"Should I have told her you would still have gotten into Harvard?" Jess asked as Rory firmly closed the door behind her and heard her go downstairs.

"Not if you'd wanted to keep your head."

"Somehow I think this reunion is going to be very interesting," Jess grinned and Rory groaned as she slid back down at the table.

"Kill me now."

"Throw in a dinner with your girlfriend's parents and you'll be right where I am now."

"Oh, come on, Jess," Rory said, lifting her head up. "It's just a trip to Stars Hollow. At least you don't have to make a speech."

"With that town they'll probably drag me into the dance studio and make me say five."

"Why did you hate Stars Hollow so much?"

"You can't be anonymous."

Rory frowned.

"And that's such a bad thing? I like having a community around me."

"Yes, it's a bad thing, for me anyway. Rory, I like being able to go out and just _be_, you know. I don't want to be somewhere where someone always knows me, knows about me and is going to report back for local town meeting gossip or whatever."

Rory was silent and Jess added,

"And those town events were something beyond hideous."

Rory started laughing.

"They weren't that bad!"

"Rory, it was like something in a Stephen King novel. I don't know how you went to any with a straight face. I know I was into that whole loner thing back then but even now you couldn't pay me to go to some Summer Crazy Mazy Day afternoon and watch some kids dance around in barber suits and batons singing something rejected from Mary Poppins. It was like a bad acid trip."

"And you would know?" Rory said, hoping her question was a joke. "It was Crazy Hazy Day, by the way. I always thought they were fun, even if they were weird."

"That's because you were the town darling."

"Yeah," Rory admitted. "Taylor still tries to get me to play Esther at Purim."

"I felt so suffocated," Jess said seriously. "And I still do, if I ever go back."

"Maybe it's just your memories."

Jess shook his head.

"No, it's that place, it's small towns anyway but that place most of all. I feel like I'm in a glass cage. I know they're all watching me as well, talking about that awful Jess Mariano coming back, and it's not like I care what they think but I can't relax. I can't concentrate, I can't write, I can't do anything without feeling like an animal in a zoo. I can't stand it there and I never want to go back."

Rory stared at him and Jess flushed.

"Sorry for the monologue."

"No," Rory said. "I'm just curious. You hated it even more then so why did you come back that time, after the car accident? You could have stayed with Liz, you didn't have to come back."

"I missed Luke," Jess said and Rory nodded. "I missed you."

Rory looked at him and he took her face in his hand.

"I wanted to be with you."

Rory leaned over the table and kissed him, feeling suddenly as young as when he had come back the first time.

"I'm glad you did," she said softly. "So did I."

He nodded, looking a little embarrassed and then blurted out,

"Do we _have_ to go?"

"It's just to see my mom," Rory said encouragingly. "And Luke. You like Luke, right?"

"Right," Jess said grudgingly and Rory added,

"Maybe you'll make friends with Mom. Maybe it won't be so bad."

"Maybe. Maybe your reunion will go well," Jess said wickedly and Rory stared at him and groaned.

"Oh man," she said, putting her face in her hands. "We're doomed."


	38. Chapter 38

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The rest of the week went by quickly and before she knew it Rory was driving to Hartford. Because she had already arranged to see her grandparents she had decided to stay at her mother's on Friday night and Jess to drive up on Saturday. Rory had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach about how the trip was going to go but put it down to nerves and, sighing, she got out of the car and knocked at the door. She had the Belinda record in her car but couldn't think of the right moment to give it to her mother.

"Rory!" Emily exclaimed as the maid let her in. "Come in, come in, we're all waiting."

"For a_ very_ long time," came Lorelai's voice from the corner and Rory went and sat next to her as her grandmother poured her some wine.

"Sorry. I hit traffic just as I got into Connecticut."

"Oh, I hear the roads are just terrible," Emily said, calling, "Richard! The girls are here!"

"How long have you been here?" Rory asked Lorelai, who made a face.

"Twenty minutes but it feels more like hours."

"What was that?" Emily asked, coming over and Lorelai stuttered,

"Er, how many hours did the dinner take to make?"

"I don't know, I'll set up an interview with cook for you," Emily said coolly and Lorelai flushed, just as a maid came in to announce the meal.

"Saved by the bell," Lorelai mumbled and she and Rory giggled as they went in to eat.

"What's this, Mom?" Lorelai asked curiously, holding a piece of meat up with her fork and Emily said,

"Rabbit. Delicious, isn't it?"

"Rabbit?" Lorelai exclaimed, letting it drop and Rory asked sadly,

"You killed Thumper?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise you had become vegetarians. You're not? Stop being so ridiculously sentimental then."

"I'm not sentimental, it's just..."

"_Thumper_," Rory finished for her mother, staring at her grandmother who snapped,

"Oh, stop it! I always hated that movie."

"Mom, you hate _Bambi_?"

"It was that awful skunk asking to be called Flower. Nauseating little thing."

"And the tests come back positive," Lorelai said, gingerly removing the meat from her fork. "The heart is made of stone."

"Oh, I do wish you would stop with your incessant comedian act," Emily said irritably before turning to her granddaughter. "Rory, tell us about your news."

"My news?" echoed Rory awkwardly and Emily said,

"Yes dear, your news. It's been a few weeks since we caught up."

"Oh...I don't really have any news," Rory said, looking at her plate as she felt her mother stare at her across the table.

"Really, not at all?"

"Oh, I do have some news," Rory said, looking back up. "I've got a Chilton reunion."

"What?" Lorelai exclaimed, cutting in. "You never told me."

"I only just got the invitation."

"Why, now I think about it, Charleston did say something about that," Emily said thoughtfully. "Some kind of reunion, is it?"

"Ten years."

"Ten years?" echoed Richard in surprise. "Why, that's not possible. That must mean I'm getting old."

"We've been old for a while, Richard," Emily said bluntly. "Are you looking forward to it? Do tell me you're going."

"I kind of have to," Rory said awkwardly. "Because I was Valedictorian I'm expected to make a speech."

"A _speech_?" exclaimed Lorelai. "Haven't you made enough speeches for that damn place?"

"Eloquent as always, Lorelai," Emily said icily. "I'm sure Rory is honoured."

"Oh, well –"

"There's a plus one, isn't there?" ploughed on Emily. "Who are you taking? A date?"

"Oh, no," Rory said uncomfortably. "I'll take Mom. She'll be my date."

"Your mother can be your guest, who will be your plus one?"

"Probably no one."

"Rory!"

"Leave it, Mom," Lorelai said sharply. "It's up to Rory who she brings."

"Fine," Emily said coldly, just as the maid came in to bring dessert.

Rory let out a long sigh as they finally left and walked back to the cars.

"Wow, I'm glad that's over."

"Yeah, me too," Lorelai said, frowning at her daughter. "I didn't realise we were lying to Mom."

"I wasn't lying."

"Oh really? What were you doing?"

"Hiding the truth," Rory said and Lorelai laughed.

"I've taught you very well. It saddens me that you never used this talent in your teen years."

"You wanted me to miss school and drink?"

"And smoke dope," Lorelai said seriously. "Let's not forget the dope."

"Boy," Rory said, getting into her car. "It sure is good to be home."

Rory and Lorelai passed the evening comfortably watching movies and going to bed late but when Rory woke up she had the nervous feeling in her stomach again and couldn't eat breakfast.

"The cereal I slaved over choosing in Doose's," Lorelai said in a mock-hurt voice. "The cereal Taylor yelled at me for buying as it was the last in stock!"

"I'm sorry, Mom. I guess I'm just nervous."

"It'll be fine, Rory. I'll be nice, I promise."

"Pinky swear?" asked Rory, looking up and Lorelai sighed.

"Pinky swear."

"I still can't eat," Rory confessed and went to get herself more coffee. Lorelai ate the cereal for her.

"What time is he coming?"

"Four."

"You've got some time. Do you think you can handle lunch?"

"I'll try."

The morning seemed to pass slowly and quickly at the same time and Rory felt that no longer had she managed a piece of toast that it was already half past three, at which point Lorelai got a phone call. She picked it up and then her eyes widened.

"What? No, Michel, I can't, I've got plans today. Rory's boyfriend is coming over. Yes, it's big. No, I'm not going to be an embarrassing mom. I'm not – I'm not – hey, you're the one demanding a favour here!"

"What's going on?" Rory asked, looking up and Lorelai sighed.

"I have to pick up some laundry for the Dragonfly. It shouldn't take too long, I'll be back before he gets here."

"Okay."

"And if I don't get back in time you can keep him entertained," Lorelai said brightly before her face registered a slightly embarrassed expression. "Not entertained in that kind of sense...don't do anything dirty."

"Mom!"

"Especially not on my bed!"

"You're gross, get out!"

"Bye," Lorelai said, kissing her on the cheek and speeding off in her car. Rory tried to watch TV but couldn't concentrate and it seemed that in no time at all a car was pulling up and Jess was getting out.

"Hey," Rory called, running over and kissing him and Jess kissed her back before stopping and looking around.

"Where's your mom, is she inside?"

"She had to run an errand," Rory said, leading him into the house. "She'll be back soon. She's mean to be back already – she must have got held up."

Jess nodded and stopped in surprise as they walked into the house, glancing around.

"It's different."

"Mom and Luke renovated it," Rory said, taking him upstairs. "Check out the fancy bathroom."

"Very impressive," Jess said, taking it in and then Rory took his hand and ran back downstairs.

"My room's the same."

They went into the bedroom and Jess stopped in surprise at the old, familiar walls.

"Wow," he said. "I haven't been in here since –"

He stopped in embarrassment and Rory said quietly,

"No, you haven't."

Neither of them said anything for a moment and Jess slowly walked around, looking at the shelves before sitting down on the bed.

"All the same books."

"You can tell?" Rory laughed, sitting down beside him. "Or are you just trying to pysch me out?"

"Well, it looks the same," Jess said and Rory nodded. "It feels weird being back in here," he confessed after a moment and Rory gave him an understanding smile.

"It feels weird for me too."

The front door opened, making them jump and Lorelai called,

"Mommy's home! Oh, hi," she said awkwardly as they emerged from Rory's bedroom. "Sorry I took so long."

"That's okay."

"How was the drive?"

"Fine," Jess said shortly and Lorelai hesitated, nodded and put her bags down.

"I said not to do anything dirty," she hissed in her daughter's ear and Rory hissed back,

"You have such a one-track mind!"

"So, Jess," Lorelai said brightly, following him into the kitchen where he was standing uncomfortably by the fridge. "What do you do now?"

"Temp a little," Jess shrugged. "Do some freelance work. Nothing great but it pays okay."

"Well, a job's a job," Lorelai said in a falsely cheerful voice. "Especially in this economy."

"Mom!"

"What?" Lorelai exclaimed and Jess said,

"No, you're right. I'm waiting on a grant. Hopefully I can open something like the Truncheon again."

"Rory told me about that," Lorelai said, opening the fridge and handing everyone a soda. "I was very impressed – I am very impressed."

"Yeah, I don't think anyone expected me to get beyond Walmart."

There was an uncomfortable silence and Rory shot a look to her boyfriend and then to her mother.

"Oh – I didn't mean –"

"I know you didn't," Jess said. "I'm just remarking."

Lorelai nodded and took a long drink of soda, Rory doing the same.

"So," she said, with an attempt at a laugh. "I went to see your uncle before and he'd love us to come by the diner later."

"He said that?"

"Well, not quite in those words. You know Luke. His primary form of communication is the grunt and scratch behind ear."

Jess laughed.

"That's Uncle Luke."

"He asked me to tell you not to call him that," Lorelai said sternly. "The same way you're not allowed to call me Ma'am, okay? It's Lorelai."

"Okay then...Lorelai," Jess said shyly and drank some of his soda as his mother smiled. Rory allowed herself to relax. Maybe it wasn't as bad as she had imagined.

After the soda the trio watched television for a while and, as Lorelai turned it off, Jess remarked,

"I always wonder about what I'm missing and then it turns out, nothing at all."

"You're a TV snob like your uncle."

"I am not a TV snob," Jess said hotly as Rory giggled. "I just don't think there's anything on cable worth wasting hours over."

"_Such_ a snob," Lorelai said, rolling her eyes. "Rory, how can you be with a man of such little taste?"

"I'm trying to convert him," Rory said wistfully. "The brainwashing is just taking longer than I hoped."

"And on that note," Lorelai said cheerfully and Jess scoffed. "Dinner is served."

"Dinner?" Rory echoed in surprise, following her mother into the kitchen and Lorelai said cheerfully,

"Don't worry, I didn't make it myself. I made a stop at Al's on the way."

"The pancake house guy?" Jess asked in disbelief, peering into one of the bags. "He's still got a business?"

"Hey, don't hate an Al, he's a pal," Lorelai said hotly and then laughed. "Hey, I just made a rhyme."

"Hey, someone needs sugar," Rory said firmly, pushing her mother into a chair. "Eat."

For a while no one said anything as they dug into the food until Lorelai asked curiously,

"So what have you been doing all these years, Jess? I've only heard from Luke and he barely tells me anything."

"Worked a few jobs," Jess said, shrugging and reaching for the sauce. "Went to some classes, met some people, started the Truncheon."

"Met some people?" Lorelai asked, picking up the salt. "What kind of people?"

"Friends," Jess said in a confused voice and Rory frowned at her mother.

"No girlfriends?"

"Mom!"

"It's just a question!"

"Not really," Jess said and Rory said angrily,

"It's none of your business, Mom!"

"It's okay," Jess said and Lorelai said,

"It's just a question. What does not really mean?"

"It means none of your business," Jess snapped and no one said anything for a moment.

"I'm sorry," Lorelai after a moment. "I didn't mean to get personal."

Rory looked daggers at her and Jess shrugged.

"Forget about it."

"So what did you do in Manhattan?" Lorelai asked, changing the subject. "I hear you and Rory spent the whole day there."

"Just walked around," Jess said, eating a fry. "Went to Washington Square Park."

"I got you something," Rory said moodily. "Though I don't know if I want to give it to you."

"Rory!"

"She'll give it to you," Jess said confidently and Lorelai looked at him.

"Did you get something for Liz?"

"No," Jess said coolly. "We don't have quite the same _special_ bond."

Lorelai's eyes narrowed, sensing the dig and she said angrily,

"Well, Rory doesn't forget about her responsibilities for anyone either. You seem to have the _knack_."

"Wow, Rory forgot to be responsible," Jess said sarcastically. "I wonder where she got _that_ from, huh, Lorelai?"

Lorelai stared at him, speechless with anger but before she could retaliate there was a loud bang as Rory got up, making her chair fall over and threw down her fork.

"Stop it!" Rory shouted making them jump. "Just shut up, both of you!"

"Rory!" Lorelai exclaimed and Rory grabbed her jacket and marched out of the house, slamming the door behind her and ignoring Jess who quickly followed.

"Wait!" Jess said, panting, taking her hand and Rory whirled around furiously.

"How could you?"

"I just...it's this place, Rory," Jess said. "Why did you make me come?"

"Why did I _make_ you come?" Rory asked incredulously. "I had the insane idea of asking you to get to know my mother, as we're together now, because I'm such a horrible girlfriend that way! That's why I _made_ you come!"

"Rory –"

"You said you'd try!" Rory shouted. "You call that _trying_?"

Jess stared at her speechless as Rory shook her hand away from his and ran blindly into the night, feeling the tears fall down her face.


	39. Chapter 39

**Thanks for the feedback! I know someone who dislikes **_**Bambi**_** for the exact reason Emily said!**

Jess stood motionless for a second, watching her run into the distance and then shook himself, calling,

"Wait! Rory, come back!"

She had already gone out of sight. Jess took a few steps forward and then halted as he heard,

"Let her go."

Jess turned around to see Lorelai standing behind him, her arms crossed.

"Give her some space."

"I have to make sure she's okay," Jess said blindly and Lorelai said knowingly,

"She'll be okay when she's had some time to breathe. She's mad at you, she's mad at me, do you think seeing either of us will help right now? She'll come back when she's ready."

"I have to tell her I'm sorry."

"I don't think she's going to be that forgiving if you chase after her."

Jess nodded and then looked at Lorelai.

"I'm sorry about what I said," he told her awkwardly, looking ready to run away himself. "I know I had no right to say that."

"No, you didn't," Lorelai said frankly. "You absolutely had no right to talk to me like that and if you ever say something like that to me again you won't be welcome back here, though I guess you don't think that's such a bad thing, do you? I somehow doubt you were rushing to pack when Rory told you about this trip."

"I can't say I'm crazy about this place," Jess said, gesturing around him. "But I'm sorry I said what I did, I was just mad...not that it makes it okay or anything..."

"Well," Lorelai said, after a pause. "I guess we're all guilty of being jerks when we're mad. I'm sorry I asked about other girlfriends and I'm sorry I said it was your fault that Rory was irresponsible."

"I don't think you are that sorry," Jess said honestly. "About the last part."

"I know Rory can think for herself."

"But you think she did it because of me," Jess said and Lorelai shrugged. They stood in silence for a moment.

"Look," Lorelai said after a pause. "I can't say I like you all that much right now or ever, really, if we're being honest, but I don't want to chase you with a pitchfork or maim you in some terrible way."

"I'm touched," Jess said with a trace of the old sarcasm but before Lorelai could retort he added in a serious voice, "I really am sorry about what I said at dinner and I'm not just saying that."

"Jess, I don't think you ever _just say_ anything," Lorelai said truthfully and he looked at her carefully to see if she was annoyed. "I don't seem to ever remember you going for sweet talk. You were always annoyingly to the point."

"Yeah, well, saying crap to get out of a situation never helped anyone."

"You haven't met my mother," Lorelai said seriously and a shadow of a grin passed over Jess's face. "Anyway, I know you're being genuine. It's okay."

"Really?"

"Really. Well, until you piss me off again."

"I appreciate that," Jess said and he started to walk away from the house again. "I'm going to go find Rory."

"Jess, what did I just say?" Lorelai called in frustration. "Leave her alone!"

Jess was already jogging away and either couldn't hear or chose not to as he moved out of sight.

Rory sat in the middle of the bridge, the last of her tears dripping away. They were more tears of anger than sadness and Rory couldn't decide who had upset her more. She knew Lorelai had pushed her boyfriend's buttons but he had promised to try, promised to make an effort and now he was blaming her for making him come, as though he were five, as though it was her fault and either way, even if her mother had provoked him Rory knew there was no excuse for what he had said. She should have known the whole thing was going to be a disaster.

Footsteps suddenly echoed on the bridge and, without looking up, Rory said simply,

"Go away."

Jess did not listen and instead sat down next to her, staring at the starry sky around them.

"I think this is the only place in Stars Hollow I don't hate."

"I don't want to talk to you," Rory said, wiping her eyes and looking into the water. "I don't want to see you right now."

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, really?" Rory demanded, looking up. "Shouldn't_ I_ be the one who's sorry? After all, I _made _you come here, didn't I? It's all my fault you acted like a jerk."

"I didn't mean it like that, Rory."

"How did you mean it?"

"I didn't mean it was your fault. I shouldn't have said it."

"No, and you also shouldn't have said that stuff to my mom!" Rory said furiously. "How could you talk to her like that? You were a jerk. Saying Mom is irresponsible – I could make a list of all the stuff you've done that's irresponsible, but that's not even the point. I know she wasn't being exactly charming either but you had no right to say what you did."

"I know," Jess said quietly. "And I know I'm not saying much else, but I don't know what to say. I'm sorry."

"It's just that you said you'd try," Rory exclaimed, staring at him. "You promised and it was like you didn't even want to, it was like you were determined to screw it up. I know Mom didn't hold up her end of the bargain either but you barely cracked a smile and you know Mom wasn't trying to make a dig at your career and you just made it in something it's not and made her feel bad!"

"I know I messed up."

Rory took a breath and looked at him, the light playing patterns across his face.

"I know you were lying when you said it didn't bother you that Mom has never stopped hating you."

Jess didn't say anything and Rory stared at their reflections in the water, rippling as insects dipped in and out.

"Jess, if you're going to be with me you have to get along with my mother," Rory said eventually. "I'm not saying you have to love her, I'm not saying you even have to like her but you've got to at least be polite. She's my best friend, she's one of the biggest parts of my life, probably the biggest part and I can't do this every time you come here, which you'll have to sometimes. I know you hate it here and I don't mean all the time but I'd like you to come over at least once in a while and not snipe at Mom the whole time. I know she was a kind of a jerk too but you both have to try and be civil to each other."

"I know," Jess said carefully. "I'll try and I'm not just saying that."

"Jess, you never _just say_ anything," Rory scoffed and she looked at him in confusion as Jess started to laugh. "What?"

"Forget it," Jess said and he took her hand. "I'm sorry, Rory. It's being back here – I'm not trying to say it was because you got me to come or that I didn't screw up – but it just put me in a bad mood."

"And you don't like Mom," Rory said pointedly and Jess looked uncomfortable.

"I don't hate her."

"But you don't like her," Rory said and Jess looked at her.

"Maybe not totally but I shouldn't have talked to her like that. I said I was sorry to her."

"You did?" Rory asked in disbelief and he gave a small laugh.

"You don't have to sound so surprised."

"What did she say?"

"That she didn't like me but didn't want to maim me."

"I guess that's a start," Rory said, after a confused pause and Jess nodded.

"Definitely."

Rory sighed and looked at the town around them, already seeming as though it had gone to sleep, so quiet that you could hear a pin drop, so far away from her life in New York.

"So you don't hate this place?" she asked, looking at Jess and he smiled.

"I like it, actually. Holds special memories, a personal favourite being when Luke pushed me in right over there."

"Oh yeah?" Rory teased. "The number of times we made out here and Luke pushing you in is what stands out the most? I'm concerned about that"

"I said it was a personal favourite, not the only one."

"That's totally backtracking."

"I'll remember that when you give me a list of favourite movies because you can't settle on one," Jess retorted and Rory smiled but didn't bother to argue, the tiredness which came from crying beginning to settle. Jess noticed and squeezed her hand.

"We should head back," Rory said eventually and he nodded, getting up with her before asking tentatively,

"Do you want me to head _back_ back? To New York?"

"Not unless Mom wants you to, and I wouldn't blame her. Do you want to go back?"

"Kind of," Jess said truthfully. "But I don't want to let you down any more than I already have."

Rory didn't say anything but she put her arm around his waist and they walked in silence back to the house.


	40. Chapter 40

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Lorelai was sitting on the porch with Paul Anka, waiting for them and she stood up nervously as Rory removed her arm from Jess's waist and walked up the steps.

"Hey."

"Hey," Rory said quietly, looking down. There was an uncomfortable silence.

"I think I left something in my car," Jess said suddenly, fumbling for his keys in his pocket. "Do you mind if I go check? I'll be five minutes."

"Sure," Rory said and he nodded awkwardly before wandering to the bottom of the yard. Rory walked up the steps and Lorelai remarked,

"You might want to tell your boyfriend that subtlety isn't exactly his strong point."

"I'll add it to the list of things for you to hound him about."

"Rory!" Lorelai exclaimed as her daughter crossed her arms. "Come on. I'm sorry."

"I know Jess was being a total jerk," Rory said, going and sitting down on the bench. "And he had no right to talk to you like that but you weren't being peaches and cream either."

"I know I wasn't," Lorelai said uncomfortably and sat down slowly beside her. A tear trickled down Rory's cheek and she exclaimed,

"I should have known this would never have worked out!"

"Rory –"

"This sucks!" Rory said in a wobbly voice. "I really wanted this to go well – I mean, I never expected you guys to be best friends by the end of the night but I thought you might try and be polite to each other at least. You both promised to try and you both gave up the minute you both walked through the door!"

"Honey –"

"No, don't!" Rory exclaimed, staring at her mother. "Don't just say _honey_ and try and shut me up!"

"Rory!" Lorelai said, sounding a little tearful herself. "You know I would never try to shut you up. I just want to tell you I'm sorry."

"And you just talked about me as if I wasn't there," Rory said angrily. "Like who's to blame for me making dumb decisions, like I can't think for myself."

"I know you can think for yourself," Lorelai said, trying to get Rory to look at her. "I'm sorry."

"I really should have known," Rory said, rubbing the tears out of her eyes and avoiding her mother's glance. "I should have known that you were just saying you were okay with each other to make me feel better."

"Rory, that's not true," Lorelai said fiercely. "I wasn't lying – I wasn't trying to lie, anyway. I thought I would be okay with him and I know I don't know him now but when he walked through the door it was like I was looking at that eighteen-year-old punk who'd broken your heart."

Rory was silent for a moment.

"He's not though," she said. "You know he's not."

"I do know, it's just...oh, Rory, you're still my kid and he's still the boy who hurt you."

"Mom, you don't know him now. That was what tonight was supposed to be about until you started slinging insults at each other."

"I know," Lorelai said, gently moving the hair from her daughter's eyes. "You know I'm sorry. Can we try a do-over?"

"Maybe," Rory said grudgingly. "You and Jess have the same problem, you know?"

"And what exactly is that?"

"You're both stupidly hotheaded."

"I am not hotheaded!" Lorelai exclaimed furiously. "And we are not alike!"

Rory looked at her, giggling, and Lorelai couldn't help laughing too.

"That probably wasn't the best defence," she admitted and Rory laughed harder and harder, Lorelai too, so much that they didn't notice Jess come back.

"Sorry I missed the party," he said, coming up the steps and awkwardly walking around Paul Anka. "What's the big joke?"

"You and Mom are hotheaded," Rory gurgled and Jess stared at her in disbelief.

"No I'm not!"

"It's no use defending yourself," Lorelai said weakly, wiping her eyes. "You'll only prove her point."

She and Rory burst into yet more laughter and Jess slowly shook his head.

"Suddenly my mother is looking incredibly normal."

"Speaking of family relations," Lorelai said, managing to recover some speech. "How about a trip to Luke's?"

Ten minutes later the three were walking through Stars Hollow to the diner, Lorelai walking ahead and Rory and Jess hanging behind. Jess kept stealing nervous looks around him and Rory took his hand.

"Are you okay?"

"I can't get used to being back here," Jess confessed. "It's giving me hives."

"Now there's a romantic image," Rory said but she gave him a reassuring smile. "We're almost there now."

Jess nodded and stopped as the diner came into view.

"Wow," he said, staring at the twinkling lights which adorned the building. "I'm really here."

"You're really there," Rory said gently, giving him a kiss and jumping as Lorelai yelled,

"Come on guys, I'm starving!"

The door jingled but Luke didn't look up, concentrating on cleaning the counter, saying automatically,

"I'll be with you in two minutes if you want to grab a table."

"Five star treatment for your only nephew," Jess remarked and Luke slowly looked up in disbelief.

"We're here," Lorelai said rather uselessly and Luke ignored her and walked over to his nephew, stopping and putting hands on his shoulders.

"You really came."

"I said I would," Jess said uncomfortably and Luke said honestly,

"I'd figured you'd have had a fight and driven off already."

"Nearly came to that," Jess admitted and Luke grinned and gave him a hug.

"It's good to see you, Jess."

"Good to see you too," Jess said and they stepped away from each other and smiled shyly at each other.

"Sit down guys," Luke said, sounding suddenly embarrassed. "I didn't guess it was you coming in or I'd have...I don't know, done something more special."

"What, baked a cake?" Jess asked and Luke rolled his eyes.

"I see you've still got that smart mouth. When did I last see you? Christmas?"

"Must have been. Liz drank a ton of punch and embarrassed herself."

"Doesn't she always?" Luke remarked. "So what can I get you guys? Burgers?"

"I'd like something more in the sweet family," Lorelai said. "We got takeout from Al's."

"I thought you were coming here for dinner," Luke said, pretending to be annoyed and Lorelai protested,

"You know we were, it was just that Al had this deal and sometimes those deals are really good and...hey!" she exclaimed, noticing Luke was laughing. "I can see where your nephew gets his smart mouth from."

"I'll be right back," Luke said, going to the kitchen and emerging five minutes later with pancakes, doughnuts, icecream and fries along with three cups of coffee.

"I said I didn't need fries," frowned Lorelai and Luke said seriously,

"Trust me, you'll want them," before pulling up a chair and sitting next to them.

"I still can't really believe it," he told Rory and Jess who went red. "You're really back together?"

"Luke, we went through this about ten times on the phone."

"Yeah, I know, it's just –" Luke took off his cap and scratched behind his ear. "I still can't really believe it, I had to see it. I still don't."

"What, do you want us to make out or something?" Jess asked sarcastically and Luke retorted,

"No thanks, hearing about Lorelai's experience was enough."

"_What_?" Rory exclaimed, whirling around to see Lorelai frozen with her mouth full of fries. "You told _Luke_? Why? What could possibly make you think he'd want to hear that story?"

"I didn't plan on telling him," Lorelai said, swallowing fries and gulping down coffee and Luke added,

"If it makes you feel any better I didn't enjoy hearing it."

Rory shook her head in disbelief.

"Why did you tell him?"

"I don't know, it just kind of slipped out!"

"I don't believe this!" Rory said, her cheeks bright red. "Who else did you blab this to?"

"No one! Well – maybe Sookie. And your dad."

"_Dad_?" Rory exclaimed. "I'm not even going to ask why. I won't be surprised if you posted it on the net."

"Rory, you know I don't think that big."

Luke coughed and Jess drank some coffee, looking incredibly uncomfortable. There was an embarrassed silence.

"I think we're scaring them away," Lorelai said seriously and Luke said,

"Trust me, from all I've seen over the years nothing could scare me."

"Nothing you've _seen_? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I say the day you deliberately didn't wear underwear," Rory suggested and Luke laughed.

They argued pleasantly back and forth and eventually left as some final customers came in, promising to return for breakfast. As they reached the door Luke called,

"Jess..."

He turned round and Luke smiled.

"It's good to see you again."

"You too," Jess said, smiling at his uncle and Rory felt touched.

It still wasn't very late when they returned and Jess asked awkwardly,

"Should I head back, or...?"

There was a slight pause and then Lorelai said,

"No, you should stay. You'll get back late and you only drove up today."

Jess nodded and quietly said,

"Thanks."

"How about a movie?" Rory asked brightly and, rather too eagerly, Lorelai said,

"Great, I'll get the popcorn ready. Video or DVD?"

"Video," Rory decided. "I'm thinking a classic."

As she rooted through the boxes of tapes Jess asked in disbelief,

"You still have a VCR?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"There's this new-fangled invention called a DVD player."

"I know," Rory said brightly, coming up with a tape. "But Mom likes keeping the tapes – you don't get commercials on DVDs."

"I saw the DVD of that movie right over there."

"Yeah, we like the extras too."

"I'm not saying anything," Jess said, after a stunned pause and Rory said cheerfully,

"Good, just sit on the couch and look pretty."

"Stars Hollow, the land where art comes to die," Jess remarked as the video started and jumped as Lorelai and Rory said loudly together,

"Shh!"

"That was _bad_," Jess announced as the credits rolled two hours later and Lorelai and Rory looked at him, stunned.

"It was about a group of teenagers saving an entire forest," Rory said. "How is that bad?"

"Did you just hear yourself speak?"

"You should really meet my mother," Lorelai said, stretching. "I bet you hate _Bambi_, too."

"He just hates movies," Rory said matter-of-factly and Jess said irritably,

"I don't hate movies, there's just not that many worth watching."

"And what do you _deign_ to watch?"

"I don't know," Jess said. "Hitchcock. Charles Laughton didn't make me want to puke."

"And he's a movie snob, ladies and gentlemen," Lorelai announced. "Heaven forbid he watch anything that's not in black and white."

"Hey, there's more to a movie than being black and white!"

"How would you know?" Rory teased. "You never watch any!"

She and Lorelai laughed and Jess groaned.

"I really can't win here, can I?"

"Nope," Lorelai said cheerfully. "Best to admit defeat now. Well, guys, I'm bushed. I'm going to hit the hay."

"Speaking of hitting the hay," Rory said awkwardly. "Where's Jess going to sleep?"

There was a small silence where no one wanted to look at each other.

"Oh," Lorelai said uncomfortably. "Well, he can sleep in your room, I guess."

"There's not a whole lot of room."

"Well, take the spare room, if it's easier...only if you want to," Lorelai added hastily, looking at Jess. "I guess you'd rather sleep with Rory, I mean, not that kind of sleep –"

"Mom!"

"You guys can figure it out," Lorelai said eventually. "You know I'm hardly conservative about these things."

"If you're sure," Jess said and Lorelai said,

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it."

"Thanks," Jess said and she nodded and started up the stairs to bed.

"Goodnight."

"Night, Mom," Rory said and then turned to look at Jess, who was flicking through a magazine.

"So where are we going to do this, then?"

"I guess your room," Jess said and Rory nodded and led the way through, stopping at the sight of the single bed.

"This is going to be interesting," Jess remarked and Rory rolled her eyes and moved the covers back before changing into her pyjamas and going and lying down, staring at the ceiling. Jess did the same and lay down beside her, awkwardly moving a stuffed animal out of the way. Neither said a word.

"This is more weird in ways than I can count," he said eventually and Rory laughed.

"Just a little. I seriously did not imagine us doing this."

"It was the first time we did this," Jess said, moving over and leaning on an elbow. "Well, the first time together."

"And my first time ever," Rory said. "I can't say it's the fondest memory."

Jess was silent, embarrassed and then admitted,

"I was seriously scared your mom would come and catch us."

"You were scared of_ Mom_?"

"I was scared of the thought of her chasing me with a knife."

"Oh, come on."

"She's not going to sneak in here and kill me in the night is she?" Jess asked and Rory rolled her eyes.

"It's okay, I'll protect you."

"Great, now I can relax," joked Jess and Rory sighed at him. They lapsed into silence again.

"It's weird being back in your bed," Jess confessed suddenly.

"It's weird you being in here at all."

"Do you want to take the spare room instead?"

"It's a single in there as well," Rory said. "And I don't want us to sleep apart."

"There's barely any room. Do you want me to sleep on the floor or something?"

"I wouldn't go that far. We'll have to try not to move," Rory said, moving the pillow behind her head. "And I'm sorry, but there is no chance we're having sex in here, it's way too weird."

"Please, Rory, you know I wasn't thinking that. Not now, anyway. God, it's weird being back in here."

"It's weird just having a guy in my room," Rory admitted and he looked at her. "I've never had a guy sleep over," she told him shyly. "Not in this house."

"Really?" Jess asked and she nodded. "Well, I promise my intentions are entirely honourable."

"Is that a fact?"

"Until we go back to New York."

Rory swatted him with a pillow and rolled over to her side.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Jess said, putting his hand around her waist and kissing her cheek. Rory smiled and closed her eyes, attempting sleep.

Some hours later she woke up with a start. Jess had rolled into his back, snoring slightly and a glance to the clock showed it was two in the morning. Rory didn't know what had woken her but try as she might she could not get back to sleep, aware of Jess next to her, in her childhood bedroom, the first time he'd been in her bed, her room alone since she had lost her virginity to him so awkwardly ten years before. Finally Rory got out of bed, carefully so as not to wake him and put her robe on, deciding a midnight snack might help. She padded out into the kitchen and made a sandwich but wasn't really hungry and put it down, staring out of the window. She finally decided she should go back to bed when she caught sight of the bag with the record in and then smiled, picking it up and sneaking upstairs.

A hand shook Lorelai hard, disturbing her dreams of running a coffee factory where Luke created a new flavour every five minutes.

"Huh?" Lorelai moaned and Rory said excitedly,

"Mom! Mommy, wake up!"

"Rory?" Lorelai groaned, sitting up and rubbing her eyes to see her daughter sitting excitedly at the end of her bed. "What kind of time is this? It's the middle of the night."

"It's two," Rory said and ignored her mother's wail about a coffee factory as she lay back down. "Hey, don't go back to sleep."

"What are you doing up?"

"I can't sleep," Rory admitted. "I've got a guy in my room."

"Jesus, Rory!"

"Well, it's weird!"

"The spare room is wide open," Lorelai said crossly. "And I would be ecstatic if you took it."

"I thought you weren't conservative about these things?"

"I realised I was when I went upstairs. I'm glad we're on the same page, goodnight."

"Mom, stay awake!"

"What?"

"I've got you something," Rory said, bouncing up and down with excitement and Lorelai frowned, blinking and taking the bag from her.

"Is this the thing from Manhattan?"

"The _thing_," Rory scoffed. "Open it, open it!"

Lorelai sighed and reached into the bag, pulling the record out. She looked at it for a moment and then her eyes widened.

"Is this really -?"

"Genuine autograph by Belinda," Rory grinned. "I always promised to find it for you again."

"Rory, I..." Lorelai stared at the record in disbelief, feeling wide awake. "Kid, you don't know how much this means."

"Yes, I do," Rory said and Lorelai patted the space next to her where Rory lay down.

"Stay for a few minutes."

"I thought I had to be a big girl and go back to my own bed?"

"I'm not sure if I want you to if Jess is in it."

"You're such an uncool mom," Rory teased and Lorelai swatted her with the record, but gently so as not to break it.

"Hey, I listen to the Go-gos."

"Which proves my point."

Lorelai swatted her again but yawned, her heart not really in it. Rory closed her eyes for a second and found herself sound asleep.

The next morning Jess woke up alone and, frowning, he got out of bed. He couldn't hear Rory in the kitchen or bathroom and called her name but there was no reply.

Jess pulled his shirt and pants on and walked slowly out of the room and up the stairs. Lorelai's door was ajar and Jess could see through the crack his girlfriend sound asleep in the arms of her mother, the record between them. Jess smiled, shook his head and went downstairs to make breakfast.


	41. Chapter 41

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory woke up the next morning, confused. She knew she wasn't in her bedroom or in New York and it took a moment to realise that she had fallen asleep in her mother's bedroom and she sat up, mortified. The smell of food cooking reached her nose and Rory slowly got out of bed and ran downstairs, Lorelai still fast asleep.

Rory walked into the kitchen to find Jess breaking eggs into a pan where they crackled and hissed, using his other hand to put bread in the toaster.

"Good morning, cheater," he said as Rory came over and she looked up anxiously, relieved to see that he was laughing.

"I'm sorry," Rory said sheepishly. "I couldn't sleep and I went to give Mom the Go-gos record and it was only meant to be for a second...I totally meant to come back to bed."

"I'm a little hurt that you'd rather sleep with your mother than me," Jess remarked and then coughed. "Wow, that sounded a lot less gross in my head."

"I don't even want to know what Freud would have to say."

"Freud was a bitter old guy with serious mother issues," Jess said bluntly and Rory laughed. "How do you want your omelette?"

"Now there's two sentences I'd never connect," Rory remarked. "Ham would be awesome."

"As you wish."

Rory watched him cook, deftly taking the toast out and buttering it and sat down at the table.

"This is pretty awesome service."

"I did work in a diner."

"I don't seem to remember service with a smile back then."

"Well, how about this then?" Jess asked and he leant over and kissed Rory as he handed her her plate.

"I could get used to this," Rory giggled and they kissed again before hearing a small cough as Lorelai came downstairs.

"Morning, guys."

"Hey Mom," Rory said, hastily moving away from Jess. "Look, we've got breakfast!"

"You can cook?" Lorelai asked doubtfully and Jess said,

"I try."

"Here," Rory said, tipping some of the omelette onto her mother's plate and nervously Lorelai took a bite, feeling their eyes on her.

"Well?"

"That's actually amazing," Lorelai said, laying her fork down in disbelief. "Where'd you learn to do that?"

"The diner. I mean, I'm hardly a chef but I won't give anyone food poisoning."

"It's better than that!" Rory exclaimed, taking a bite herself. "Better than Luke's!"

"I wouldn't say to that to him, if I were you."

"Why, what'll he do?"

"Sulk," Jess said and they laughed. "He thinks cooking is his only talent."

"Speaking of," Lorelai said. "Let's go so he can amaze us with it!"

"But we've just had breakfast," Jess frowned and Rory patted his shoulder.

"We like two breakfasts to start off a morning."

"Of course," Jess said, shaking his head. "How could I forget?"

They got dressed and made their way over to the diner, passing the groups of families who had come outside to enjoy the spring sunshine, Lane's included, who shrieked when she saw her friend.

"Rory! You never said you were coming!"

"Hey," Rory said happily, running over and hugging her, almost tripping over Nico who had decided to sit down right in front of her mother with a book. "Sorry. It's been kind of hectic."

Lane hugged her back and Rory felt her see Jess standing awkwardly with her mother and asked incredulously,

"Is that _Jess_?"

"Yeah," Rory said shyly, stepping back and looking at her friend. "We're together again."

"Seriously?" Lane squealed, sounding like a teenager. "For real?"

"For real," laughed Rory and Lane started jumping and down with her, shouting,

"I knew it, I knew it!"

"Do you think we should meet them there?" Jess asked under his breath to Lorelai and she shrugged.

"Might be a good call. It is Rory and Lane. They once took an hour jumping around the yard when they bought their first Spice Girls CD."

It took less this time and when they had finally calmed down Lane asked,

"So when did you both wake up?"

"Last week. I missed work and spent the whole day in Jess in Manhattan and we just...it felt right to try again."

"That's so romantic," Lane sighed. "You need to tell me properly about this, with insane amounts of chocolate. I think we need at least an afternoon."

"I don't have time today," Rory said sadly. "I'll be home again soon though, we can do it then."

"I'm holding you to that," Lane said giving her a gentle punch on the arm. "Call me when you're back, okay?"

"You know it," Rory said, hugging her again, and her kids and then she hurried over to her boyfriend and mother, slipping into Jess's hand. She felt a little embarrassed for acting so young but there was something comforting in always being able to act like a kid with Lane and never feel too old for it.

Luke had just finished the morning rush and he looked up in surprise when he saw Jess come in with Rory and Lorelai.

"I thought you went back last night."

"I didn't say I would."

"You didn't say you wouldn't."

"You both suck at explanations," Lorelai jumped in and they glared at her. "Now quit arguing and bring us some pancakes."

"Yes, your Highness," Luke said, rolling his eyes and Rory whispered to Jess,

"Aren't you glad I'm not this bossy?"

"You are when you haven't had sugar," Jess said back and Rory's mouth fell open in mock-annoyance as her mother laughed.

"This is pretty good," Rory said, digging into the food Luke brought over. "I'm not sure whose is better."

"What do you mean, whose?" Luke demanded and his eyes widened when Rory said cheerfully,

"Jess cooked me breakfast."

"What? Jess can't cook."

"Believe me, he can cook," Lorelai said seriously. "And I don't lie about decent food."

Luke turned to Jess in disbelief.

"If you can cook how come you never offered to make dinner when you lived with me?"

"You never asked."

"I never –" Luke shook his head in disgust. "So all those times I said it was easier for me to cook than let you wreck the kitchen you never let on that you could use a stove?"

"I couldn't when I arrived. I practically took my hand off when I lit a cigarette on the stove the first time I came."

"And what, that's how you learnt to use it, to try and give yourself lung cancer?"

"I worked in the kitchen when you weren't there, Caeser taught me some stuff."

"And you never bothered to tell me this?" Luke asked irritably. "You thought it was funnier to watch me ask you if you knew how to cook anything and say _not much_? God, I wish I could go back in time and push you in the lake again."

"I'm sorry, Uncle Luke," Jess said, ignoring Rory and Lorelai who'd burst into laughter. "How about I cook you a meal to make up for it?"

"I think he would do a better job than you," Rory put in and Luke snapped,

"First off, it's just Luke and second of all, he does not cook better than I do."

"I told you," whispered Jess and Lorelai said,

"You know, I see the family resemblance more and more every day. Smart mouth, decent cooks and serious snobs about TV and movies."

"We are not snobs," Luke and Jess said at the same time and they scowled at Rory and Lorelai across the table, Luke adding,

"He's not a decent cook."

"I am a decent cook and I'm not a snob," Jess defended himself. "I just think the majority of stuff on TV is crap."

"Have you seen what's in movie theatres?" Luke asked his nephew. "I cry for humanity, I really do."

"Snobs," Lorelai said seriously. "Maybe if you didn't take everything so seriously –"

"Seriously?" Luke exclaimed. "I'm supposed to watch some crap about a braindead couple adopting a dog with the ability to sing and _laugh_ at it?"

Lorelai blinked at him.

"I don't know what kind of movies you've been watching," she said. "But I think you need to get out of the diner at least once in a while. You know, you can watch a movie without a projector reel now."

"Well, maybe you can take me out," Luke said and she looked at him, unsure if he was joking or not. There was a small silence and then Luke coughed, getting up.

"I'll take these back to the kitchen."

Lorelai nodded, concentrating on getting out her purse and Rory frowned, looking at Jess who shrugged. Luke shortly returned and they both acted like neither had said anything, returning to normal conversation until it was time to go. They had just reached the door when Luke called,

"Jess," and headed over to him, an awkward expression on his face, Lorelai already outside and Rory halfway out of the door and unsure to stay or go.

"I should have said this last night," he said seriously, taking his nephew's shoulders. "It's good that you came back and look, I know this place doesn't hold the best memories for you but you should come back at least once in a while."

"I think I have to," Jess said, glancing at Rory who went red, but he smiled as he said it and Luke said,

"Good. It's good that you're coming back. I don't want us to just see each other on holidays and I don't mean we should go on any kind of fishing trip for bonding or whatever –"

"Luke, please."

"But I want to see you more than three times a year," Luke finished firmly. "Don't leave it so long next time, okay?"

"Okay," Jess said, sounding embarrassed but he nodded and hugged his uncle. Luke hesitated, looking at Rory and knowing there was something private to say she smiled and slipped outside to join her mother.

"Jess isn't coming?"

"He's talking to Luke," Rory said, staring through the window. She could see Luke saying something to Jess, looking serious, but she couldn't hear a word of their conversation and looked away as Lorelai asked in confusion,

"Did Luke and I have a moment?"

"Mom, as a wise friend once told me, someone who'd spent their entire life in a cave could tell you that was a moment."

"Which wise friend was this?"

"Lane."

"Ah. The same friend who convinced you inflatable backpacks were cool?"

"This coming from the woman who permed her hair."

"You know I could pull it off."

"Oh, sure Mom."

Rory grinned at her mother, ready to tease her some more but saw that Lorelai had a sad look in her eyes and was biting her lip and she exclaimed,

"Mom, what is it?"

"It's nothing," Lorelai said, trying to smile. "It's just...I don't know if I want to have a moment with Luke."

Before Rory could reply Jess emerged from the diner, an awkward expression on his face.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing," Jess said, giving her a quick kiss. "Family stuff."

"Family stuff? Is everyone okay?"

"Everyone's fine," Jess said irritably. "It was nothing, okay?"

"Okay," Rory said in bemusement and they walked in silence back to the house.

Lorelai put on the Go-gos record, dancing around as she made everyone coffee and singing like a teenager and as she watched and laughed Rory forgot to worry, giggling as her mother pulled her up to dance and make eighties moves. Eventually Lorelai saw the time and said,

"You guys had better head back if you want to beat traffic."

"Good plan," Rory said and soon they were ready to head back, Paul Anka trying to scrabble into Rory's car.

"I still can't believe you got a dog," Jess remarked and Lorelai exclaimed,

"Hey, what have you got against Paul Anka?"

"Nothing," Jess said, awkwardly patting him. "I just didn't think you liked pets."

"Well, Paul Anka's special. Don't you like dogs?"

"Sure. I like cats more though."

"You like cats?" Lorelai exclaimed and he shrugged. "Wow, what does Luke say about that?"

She paused, catching herself and Jess said,

"I think he's cool as long as I don't bring one into his apartment. That would be kind of funny, actually."

"And on that note," Rory said firmly. "We'd better get going."

"Drive safe," Lorelai said, kissing her goodbye and then pulling her back for an extra hug as Rory went to her car. Jess smiled awkwardly and held out his hand halfway before reconsidering and sticking it in his pocket, embarrassed.

"Bye, Jess," Lorelai said, pretending she hadn't noticed. "We didn't end up murdering each other, I guess that's a mark of a good visit."

"Sure," Jess said, ignoring Rory's sigh. "Or maiming, either."

"Well, wait til next time. Try not to drive into any trucks."

"The no-frills version of _drive safe_," Rory remarked, rolling her eyes and then jumped as there was a cry of,

"Rory, doll!"

"Oh no, Babette," Rory mumbled and cringed as a second voice belonging to Miss Patty said,

"I don't believe it, is that Jess? Jess Mariano?"

"I'll hold them off," Lorelai said quickly to them. "Save yourselves while you still can."

Rory and Jess leapt into their cars and as Rory started the engine she heard a cry of,

"Sugar, are you really with that hoodlum again?"

The traffic back was not too horrible yet Rory and Jess arrived back an hour later than planned, as they had expected. Jess looked unhappy and Rory knew it was more than the long drive which had upset him.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Rory asked and Jess shook his head.

"Nothing."

"I know it got off to a bad start," Rory said in confusion. "But the whole thing wasn't too horrible, was it? You're not mad at me for falling asleep with Mom, are you?"

"No," Jess said, a little too quickly. "I'm just tired."

Rory knew it was more, sure it was something to do with what Luke had said to him but he wouldn't talk, wouldn't open up to her and though they made love that night it felt as though they were simply going through the motions, neither really there.


	42. Chapter 42

**Thanks for the feeback!**

Jess was quiet for most of the week, shaking off Rory's questions. He insisted it was nothing, over and over and for a while Rory gave up, knowing she couldn't make him talk and after all, she thought uneasily, maybe it hadn't been anything after all. Maybe Luke had just said something the wrong way and Jess had taken offence but was embarrassed to tell her, maybe he thought it wasn't worth mentioning and maybe the whole thing was worth forgetting. Rory decided to let it go and for a few days everything felt normal again, if that was the right word. Rory didn't know what was really normal for them but there was a sense of mutual relief that they weren't talking about Stars Hollow and they fell to the pattern of dinner, sex and conversation yet Rory felt that was all it was – routine, and neither were really relaxed, watching each other to see if the silent subject would be spoken.

The following Saturday Lane came to New York for the day. She had left children with Zach and spent the day with Rory shopping, having to be forcibly dragged from the record shop across town after being told five times it was time for the store to close.

"I said you'd die and go to heaven there," Rory told her, laughing, when they were back at her apartment. They sat curled up on the sofa with a mug of cocoa and coffee, the day's worth of shopping spread around them, mostly vinyl in Lane's case.

"Are you kidding?" Lane asked, breaking open the large bar of chocolate she had bought. "That _was _heaven. That was a religious experience – a taster of what my reward's going to be for hiding my true rock self the whole time I was growing up."

Rory started laughing and Lane went slightly red.

"Not that things aren't great right now," she said quickly. "I'm a drummer, even if I don't get to practise enough and I'm married to a pretty cool guy."

"Zach is cool."

"He is," Lane agreed and she started to slide her cellphone out of her pocket. "I might just call to –"

"Lane, no," Rory said firmly, taking it away from her. "Remember what you said. You're going to spend today chilling out and not worrying about the kids."

"I can't help it!"

"They're with Zach!"

"Exactly, he'll let them eat tons of sugar and play instruments until they pass out!"

"Lane, he's their dad. He can look after them and anyway, isn't your mom coming over?"

"Yeah," Lane admitted. "She'll make sure he doesn't spoil them too much. Okay, I'm back."

"You are?" Rory said and Lane took a deep breath.

"Yes. Oh, Rory, I suck. I haven't even asked about Jess yet and that was half the reason for this trip!"

"We're not doing this just to talk about guys," Rory said and Lane grinned. "We're here to hang out."

"Yeah, but I want to hear all the gossip. You haven't even told me how you got back together."

"I did tell you – I missed work and we spent the day together."

"You call that a story?" Lane scoffed, handing Rory a piece of chocolate and eating some herself. "I thought you wrote for a living?"

"I hardly write love columns."

"_Love_?"

"You know what I mean," Rory said, going red. "Fine. My alarm didn't go off because I forgot to set it –"

"You_ forgot_ to set your alarm?_ You_?"

"I was...busy," Rory admitted, going red and Lane laughed. "Anyway, I woke up really late and I called work but they just thought I was sick and told me not to come in and somehow Jess talked me into taking the day off and it was...it was just, perfect Lane. I know it sounds so cliché but everything was perfect and at the end of it we went to the fountain and he told me he wanted to be with me again and we kissed and it was just..."

"Perfect?" Lane guessed but she wasn't really teasing and Rory smiled.

"Yeah."

"Oh wow, Rory," Lane sighed. "It's like something out a song."

"A _song_?"

"Well, not the kind we sing," Lane clarified hastily. "Like...you know, one of those really romantic songs, where the guy and girl have been waiting for each other all their lives and then they live happily ever after."

"Whoa, Lane! I don't think you need to start booking the church yet."

"I didn't mean that," Lane said, grinning. "It's just...it's so romantic, isn't it? You were in love all those years ago and now you're together again and hey, who knows?"

"Don't freak me out, Lane. I don't even know if I ever want to get married."

"Don't break my heart, Rory. I've been planning on doing your wedding makeup ever since we did our first Korean wedding when we six."

"You're worse than my mom," Rory said but she smiled in spite of herself. "How about you just pretend I'm getting married and do the makeup then?"

"Deal," Lane said grudgingly and they giggled. Rory ate another piece of chocolate and for a moment they sat silently, looking at the records they had bought.

"It's pretty awesome though, isn't it?" Lane asked eventually. "I mean, just in general – you guys are back together after all this time and no one ever thought you'd figure things out."

"Gee, thanks!"

"You know what I mean," Lane said, punching her gently. "It all ended so suddenly between you guys and even though you ran into each other again it just seemed like it was over for good. I always thought it could have worked out and now you _are_ back together, for real. I still can't believe it."

"Neither can I," Rory admitted and Lane looked at her, catching the sound of her voice.

"Rory? What's up?"

"Nothing," Rory said hastily and Lane gave her a look.

"Rory Gilmore, you know you can't lie to me. Remember when we were seven and cut our fingers and rubbed them together so we'd be blood sisters?"

"That was totally gross."

"Yeah I know, but anyway – we said we'd know if we ever lied to each other and I know when you're lying and I know something's up."

Rory was silent and Lane said gently,

"Tell me."

"I don't know if anything is up," Rory said eventually. "Maybe I'm just imagining it."

"What?"

"You know when Jess came to Stars Hollow?" Rory asked and Lane nodded. "After breakfast he stayed to talk to Luke and he's been kind of weird ever since."

"Weird how?"

"I don't know. Kind of distant, I guess."

"What did Luke say to him?"

"I don't know," Rory said in frustration. "He said it was nothing, it was no big deal."

"So why won't he talk about it?"

"That's just it!" Rory exclaimed. "I mean, he shouldn't have to tell me if it's private or whatever but he won't say if he's mad or upset or how he's feeling at all. He won't talk to me."

Lane nodded and Rory said angrily,

"This is like last time – he had all this stuff and he'd never talk about it."

"It might not be like that."

"It is," Rory contradicted. "I'd feel like I got him, that we were on the same wavelength and then he would shut me out. Something would be going on with him and he wouldn't talk about it and he'd be mad and I wouldn't know why and then the next day he'd be okay again and talking about some new CD I should listen to."

"Rory. That was years ago."

"Yeah, that was years ago, but he's still Jess."

Lane looked at her sadly and Rory said tearfully,

"I don't want it to end like that this time. I know he has to want to talk but why doesn't he? Why doesn't he want to talk to me? Is it because of me?"

"Hey," Lane said in concern as some tears fell down her friend's cheek. "It's okay. Rory, you're getting way ahead of yourself here – remember I was with booking the church? Now you're saying your relationship is over and you don't even know is something is really wrong."

Rory laughed a little, shakily and wiped her eyes.

"I think you're right. I'm just freaking out."

"Remember when I thought Zach was cheating on me? He was playing country music!"

"Yeah," Rory said and managed a watery smile. "I know something is up though, I know it."

"That doesn't mean he won't talk to you. Maybe he just needs some more time."

"Yeah," Rory agreed and she hugged her friend. "Thanks, Lane. I really needed that girl talk."

"Anytime, blood sister. You know what you need now? A movie with no guys and enough candy to fill the apartment."

"I've got Spiceworld," Rory said, grinning. "And there's popcorn in the cupboard."

After Lane had gone home the next day Rory pottered around the apartment, at a loss. She mulled over her friend's words, her advice and suddenly remembered the pastweekt – easy dinners, easy talk and easy sex – all of it stupidly _easy_ because they were giving up, pretending and Rory couldn't stand it. She grabbed her purse and marched over to Jess's apartment determined and after Chris buzzed her through he looked slightly terrified as he let her in.

"Good luck," he called over his shoulder to Jess, as he headed out and Rory threw her purse down next to the desk where Jess was working and put her hands on her hips.

"What's going on?"

"Jesus," Jess said, staring at her and standing up. "What's going on is that I'm trying to write and you come storming in mad at me and I don't know why."

"You should!"

Jess stared at her, non-plussed.

"Enlighten me, please."

"You know why," Rory seethed. "You're shutting me out."

"I'm _what_?" Jess asked incredulously.

"You're shutting me out," Rory said again, refusing to back down. "Something's wrong and you're not telling me, you're shutting me out."

"Rory, I said nothing was wrong, let it go!"

"No, I don't want to let it go! I want you to talk about it! I know there's something wrong, you've been weird all week and I know something's up."

"There's nothing to talk about!"

"Look me in the eye and tell me nothing's wrong," Rory said and Jess shook his head and snapped,

"Let it go."

"It sucks when you do this!" Rory shouted. "You know how you said I suck when I blame you for not knowing when I've changed my mind about where we are? Well, it sucks when you do this. It sucks when something bothers you and you won't talk to me and you get mad when I try to get you to open up."

"God, I hate that phrase," Jess said snidely. "_Open up_. What are you, my self-help guru? Because you might want to try a new approach."

"No, I'm your girlfriend! Or I'm meant to be your girlfriend, anyway!"

"So we can't have private thoughts anymore, is that it? I have to report back to you on every single thing I think about?"

"Would you stop making it like something it's not!" Rory yelled. "You know that's not fair, you know I'm not trying to be like a police guard, I just know something's wrong and you're not letting me in. God, I don't even expect you to tell me what it is, just tell me what you're feeling!"

"I'm feeling mad because I thought we dropped this!"

"I'm not eighteen anymore," Rory said dangerously. "I'm not just going to shut up because it makes things easier, it doesn't, it makes everything worse. I thought you weren't eighteen either but maybe I was wrong."

"Stop making it about you!" Jess said hurtfully. "So what if I'm mad about something, why's it all about you? It's none of your business. You just want me to tell you so you feel better, so you can just fix everything, be in control and guess what, you can't, you're not! Deal!"

"Fuck you!" Rory shouted and she slammed down the lid of his laptop and ran out of his apartment, not stopping until she was all the way home.


	43. Chapter 43

**Thanks for the feedback! Maybe I made Jess's reaction too extreme but I think he only liked Stars Hollow with Rory there – I was thinking of when he told her that if they ran away they'd have to start somewhere else and I didn't imagine him choosing to go back often.**

Rory expected Jess to come over that night, after she had stormed out, but he didn't and he didn't call either. Rory was furious and then more furious with herself for expecting him to show up and she poured herself a glass of whisky which had been given to her at an office party last Christmas, knocking it back and burning her throat. She stayed up until one, looking at her phone and suddenly her mother's words of not being the girl who waited around for a guy to call sprang into her mind and resolutely she went to bed where she did not fall asleep until the hour before her alarm went off.

Rory had an awful day at work, every minor piece of work feeling a chore, every phonecall lasting an eternity and every person seeming especially stupid and she found herself yelling at a young intern for printing the wrong article out, who was no more than twenty and looked ready to cry. Rory hated herself the moment her words had come out, sounding as though someone else had said them and before she could try and take them back the girl mumbled an apology and scurried out of the room, saying something about a phonecall, and Rory could tell everyone in the room was annoyed. She saw their reproachful looks, made an excuse to go the bathroom and locked herself in the stall where she sat for fifteen minutes, feeling small and despicable, letting tears run down her cheels. Two women came into the room and Rory automatically lifted her feet up so they wouldn't see her, a habit left over from adolescence.

"What's wrong with Rory Gilmore?" asked one of the women. Janice, from third floor. "She's being especially bitchy today."

"I don't know," replied the other woman, whom Rory recognised as Meaghan. "I don't know anything about her, do you? No more than the basic stats. I've never even heard her raise her voice."

"I heard she's abnormally close to her mom. Maybe she told her she couldn't go back to that weird town this weekend and actually has to get a life."

They both laughed loudly and Rory resisted the urge to slam out of the stall and punch them.

"Maybe she's just getting her period or something," said Janice and Meaghan giggled, snapped some makeup shut and pushed the door open.

Rory heard them leave, counted to ten and then slowly pushed the door open, taking a careful look around the room. No one was there and she walked to the sink, splashing cold water over her face which mixed with hot tears. Rory blinked them away, furiously, and felt like she was sixteen again and back in high school. _Abnormally_ close to her mother? Get a_ life_? Add some uniforms and it could be Chilton.

Rory struggled through the rest of the day, keeping to herself and though she was able to apologise to Hannah Rory knew she was still upset and probably would never ask her for advice again and, miserable, Rory dragged herself home. She had just finished eating the microwave meal which was past its best and was putting on a pot of coffee when there was a sudden buzz on the intercom. Rory knew who it was before she answered it.

"It's me."

"I know."

"Can I come up?"

There was a long, drawn-out pause and finally Rory quietly said,

"Sure," and let him through.

Rory opened the door Jess stood there, nervousness on his face, his hair curling at the end from the rain, so beautiful and before he could open his mouth to speak tears started silently falling down Rory's cheeks.

"What is it?" Jess asked, his arms instantly around her and Rory sobbed out,

"I had such a horrible day."

"I'm sorry," Jess said desperately. "I'm sorry."

Rory cried and cried, unable to say it was okay, that it wasn't just him but he seemed to understand and for a long time they stood there, Rory weeping onto his shoulder and smelling the rain from outside.

"What happened?" Jess asked after she had taken one last, shuddering sob. "Besides our fight."

"I didn't sleep," Rory said miserably. "And work was hell and I shouted at this intern who isn't much more than a kid and I could hear myself, I could hear how it sounded to everyone and I was just the world's biggest bitch."

Jess did not say anything to either excuse her or agree with the sentiment but he squeezed her hand which helped more than any words could and Rory took a deep breath and continued.

"I went and sat in the bathroom for a while," she said, looking down at the hand which still clasped hers. "And these women came in and they started talking about me, and they weren't exactly paying compliments."

"What did they say?"

"That I'm weirdly close to Mom, that I never let anyone in."

Jess was silent and Rory remembered the words she had flung at him, accusing him of the same.

"Do you think that's fair?" he asked eventually and Rory shook her head.

"I don't know," she said, holding tightly to his hand so he wouldn't let go. "There isn't anyone there I'd consider my best friend but I thought we all got along okay. I don't know those two that well but I thought they were just indifferent to me and now they've been talking about me behind my back, they think I'm a freak."

"Do you care?"

"I hate that I do. I feel like I'm back at Chilton and Paris, Louise and Madeline are freezing me out only it's worse."

Jess nodded and Rory asked curiously,

"What do you think?"

"I think you are abnormally close to your mom," he said honestly. "But it's good, not bad and fuck them if they can't see it.

Rory smiled in spite of herself and Jess added,

"As for not letting them in...I guess we both have that problem."

Rory looked at him and before she could say anything Jess looked into her eyes and said,

"I'm sorry I didn't talk to you. I'm sorry I didn't come after you."

"Why didn't you?" Rory asked and Jess paused for a moment.

"I was mad," he said eventually. "I was mad at you and I didn't want to run after you, even though I knew I should and I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to be alone."

"I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"It's alright."

"No, it's not. The best way to try and get someone to talk about what's wrong isn't to go barrelling into their apartment and start shouting at them to open up."

Jess grinned a little but soon sobered and said honestly,

"I should not have said it was you trying to make it about yourself. I was a jerk and you should have done more than slam shut my laptop."

Rory smiled and said,

"It's okay. It's a little true, I hate not being in control."

"I was being a jerk. You were right, I wasn't being honest with you and I shouldn't have tried to turn it around on you."

Rory hesitated, looked him in the eye and asked,

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not especially," Jess said honestly. "But I will."

Rory took a deep breath and led him over to the couch where they sat close enough to touch.

"Luke said Jimmy might be back in town soon."

"Jimmy? Like, your dad Jimmy?"

"Like, my dad Jimmy," Jess said. "Like the guy whose house I crashed at for a summer ten years ago and haven't seen since."

"Oh, Jess." Rory didn't know what to say. "What's he doing here?"

"Fuck if I know. Luke didn't say."

"And are you going to see him?"

"I guess," Jess said, sounding a little dazed. "I don't know."

"You don't have to."

"I know I don't have to!" Jess snapped. "Thanks for giving me permission!"

Rory stared at him, hurt and Jess groaned.

"This is why I didn't want to talk about it. It's all fucked up and I'm yelling at you when you're just trying to help."

"I shouldn't have yelled at you for not telling me. If I'd known..."

"But you didn't," Jess said, giving her a crooked grin with little smile in it. "I wouldn't let you in."

He said it honestly, not with any kind of blame and Rory stared at him, unable to gage what was going through his mind.

"How do you feel about him coming?"

"Mad," Jess said honestly. "At me, not him. I'm mad because I care. I'm mad because I've barely thought about him for ten years and then I hear he's coming and I'm a fucking mess."

"Jess."

"I couldn't even tell someone," Jess said angrily. "I couldn't even tell you and you...you're my girlfriend, it's pathetic."

"No, it's not," Rory said furiously. "Look at me. It's not. Jess, remember when I called you bawling because I'd had a fight with my dad? I'm a therapist's dream when it comes to messed up stuff with dads."

"But your dad's there," Jess argued. "He might have screwed up a lot but at least you know him, at least you have some relationship and my dad...I slept on his spare mattress for a few months. That was it. He didn't even hang around to hold me when I was born, he never acknowledged me as a son and he probably doesn't even want to see me anyway."

"Why would Luke tell you if he didn't?"

"I don't know," Jess admitted and Rory added,

"He came to see you before. He cared then."

"Yeah, and that went really well."

Rory fell silent, looking at him. There was a look of struggle on Jess's face and he suddenly shouted,

"I hate this!"

"I know," Rory said quietly, taking his hand and Jess said angrily,

"I dealt with a lot of crap, I wrote, I got it together and then I just hear that he might show up and I feel like a kid again. I hardly know him and I feel all messed up, over some guy who was never my dad."

"You've got every right to feel like this."

"It doesn't make sense!"

"It makes total sense."

Jess stared at her and a sudden tear suddenly fell down his cheek before he could catch it. Rory wiped it away.

"It's okay," she said softly. "It's alright."

"It's fucked, Rory!"

"I know," she said gently. "I know."

She put her arms around him and felt him cry onto her shoulder, angrily, and she sat still for as long as she needed and wished she could do more than console him.

"I'm sorry," he said eventually, lifting his face up and wiping the last of his tears. "I didn't mean to recreate the Niagara Falls on your shoulder. God, I can't believe I'm crying over him."

"Don't be sorry," Rory said, kissing his cheek. "Be anything but."

"Okay, I'm not," Jess said quietly and he looked at her and they kissed properly, forgiving each other before breaking away.

"Luke said something else to me too," Jess said and Rory looked at him curiously.

"Oh yeah, what?"

"He told me not to screw it up with you," Jess said awkwardly. "That I'd gotten a second chance and I shouldn't screw it up this time round. Somehow that scared me most of all."

"We're in this together," Rory said and he nodded, pulled her onto him and began to kiss her again.


	44. Chapter 44

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The next week passed slowly. Rory felt better for knowing about what had troubled Jess but after he had told her, after they had made up, she felt horribly useless. Jess was troubled, silently struggling with all of it and though he didn't talk about t much with Rory she could see it as clearly as if he had been shouting, a constant frown on his face and a tension in his eyes. He didn't like to talk a lot about how he was feeling and Rory sensed that he wanted some space and so that week they saw each other less, an hour here and there, and although Rory knew it was normal she still felt the rush of disappointment that telling her hadn't made it all better, that it was all okay again and then the instant rush of shame for being so selfish. It wasn't as simple as that and how could she fix his feelings about his father? What was there to fix?

On Friday evening Rory sat alone in her apartment drinking a cup of coffee. There was a magazine open on the counter but she wasn't reading it and whenever she glanced down she read the same sentence every time. Hearing about Jess and his father set Rory thinking about hers, her own imperfect relationship and she remembered that the last time she'd talked to him was saying sorry for yelling at him, an easy apology with no real conversation and the last time she'd seen him was when she'd told him not to be concerned about Jess, back when they were just friends. It felt like a distant memory and Rory picked up the phone, realising as she started to dial the number that it had also been the last time she'd seen Gigi and more shame heaped on. Useless girlfriend, bad sister. The phone rang and after a short while Christopher picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dad," Rory said, swallowing. "It's me. Rory, I mean."

"I guessed it wasn't Gigi calling," Christopher said with a laugh and Rory felt stupid. "You're the only other one who calls me Dad."

"Right."

Rory couldn't help feel the twinge of sibling rivalry that never went away. She'd been the only one who'd called Christopher_ Dad_ for eighteen years of her life, his only daughter, whom he'd only even bothered to see a few times a year and then Gigi had come along, a new little girl with bright blonde hair and Rory was the _other one_, the teenage mistake. Anger burned and she closed her eyes, hating that it was there and that it would never go away.

"Rory?"

"Sorry, Dad," Rory said quickly. "I'm still here."

"What's up, kiddo?" Christopher asked in the stupidly cheerful voice he put on when he talked to his first child. "Why the call?"

Rory hated that he had to ask.

"I just...I just wondered how you were. We haven't talked for a while."

"No, I guess not. Work's been kind of crazy, hasn't it?"

"For me or you?"

"Both, I guess," Christopher said. "From what I hear about that office."

"Right."

There was an awkward pause.

"So how's...are you still with that guy?" Christopher asked uncomfortably and Rory said,

"Jess. Yes, I am."

"And it's going well?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" Rory asked frostily and Christopher said in annoyance,

"No reason. I was just asking, Rory."

"I'm sorry," Rory said, determined not to snap. "I know. Everything's great."

"Good."

"So how's Gigi?" Rory asked, changing the subject. "Is she there?"

"She's at a friend's house. She's fine. She was asking about you the other day."

Another twinge of guilt.

"I haven't seen her for a while. Does she have a free weekend soon?"

"I'll have to check the calendar. For a ten-year-old she has a ridiculous social life. Always some kind of sleepover or school activity."

"Not like me," Rory thought out loud, remembering the women at the office and Christopher chuckled.

"No, not like you. You were such a funny little kid."

_Like you would know_, Rory thought angrily but managed not to say and Christopher asked,

"Is anything up?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, you just don't call me a lot."

"I was just..." Rory sighed and gave up. "I was just wondering how you were."

"I'm fine. Are you?"

"Of course I am."

There was a brief silence but Christopher didn't ask any further.

"Look kid, I should probably head off. I need to pick up Gigi."

"Oh – okay."

"We'll talk again soon, right?" Christopher asked and Rory automatically said,

"Sure," and before she could add anything else Christopher said,

"Love you, kid. Say hey to your mom from me."

"Say hey to Gigi," Rory said and before he could say that he would he had already hung up the phone and Rory felt tears start down her cheeks, new ones falling as soon as she had wiped them away and she hated herself for it, for how her father made her feel.

After she had sat for what felt like a while Rory slowly got up and replaced the phone. She washed her face and put on her jacket and walked over to Jess's apartment where she found him with a half-drunk bottle of beer and stubble from where he hadn't shaved.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Rory reached forward and kissed him but it was brief and they didn't linger.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing, what does it look like?" Jess asked in a slightly sour voice. "I can't get anything done today."

"Sorry," Rory said quietly and he sighed.

"No. I am. It's not your fault my mood sucks."

"My mood isn't great either."

He went to the kitchen and handed her a bottle of beer which Rory took but didn't drink.

"Any reason?"

"I –" Rory stopped herself. She was about to tell him about talking to Chris but suddenly thought it would sound insensitive, putting her father issues on top of his. He was looking at her curiously. "I don't know."

"Sure about that?"

"Just work stuff really," Rory said and he nodded, assuming she meant the women who'd been talking about her. "I'm glad it's the weekend."

"You shouldn't care about what they think about you."

"I wish I didn't," Rory said honestly. She suddenly felt sad and lonely, remembering the words at work. Was she some kind of freak, someone with stand-offish signals? Why didn't they want to know her, she wondered, and why had she never tried? Did it ever bother Jess that he'd felt alone? She felt sad and didn't know how to voice it and they lapsed into silence. Rory glanced over at the open computer screen on the desk and Jess followed her glance.

"I can't write," he said in frustration. "It's the first time in years that I can't."

"You don't have to," Rory said, fumbling for advice and Jess said,

"It's not a want, it's a need."

"I know," Rory said softly, feeling useless again. "Do you know when...?"

"I don't know when he's coming," Jess finished for her. "Luke didn't say and I haven't spoken to him. I guess he'll call when he knows."

Rory nodded and he drank some more beer.

"I don't want to think about it."

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" Rory offered and he shook his head. She looked at him, considering sex but knew neither were in the mood and he said in a tired voice,

"Rory, do you mind if I just spend tonight alone? I need to figure some stuff out."

"Of course," Rory said quickly, getting up and putting her jacket on. "I'm sorry I came over."

"Don't be sorry for that."

They kissed goodbye and Jess stayed for a moment, running his fingers through her hair.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

Rory nodded, giving an automatic smile but as she got home she found herself starting to cry again and couldn't stop. She hated how Jess felt, hated she couldn't help and hated that everything she said seemed to come out wrong. She hated how lonely she felt and the sense of never fitting in and Rory suddenly knew that she could not stay in her apartment that night, suffocating, and so she grabbed her car keys and drove home.

Lorelai was still awake and she came running outside as soon as Rory's car pulled up.

"Rory!" she exclaimed, running over to hug her daughter and then pulling away in concern as she saw the tears on her face. "Sweets, what's happened? Talk to me, tell me what's wrong."

"Everything," Rory sobbed, leaning on her mother's shoulder. "Everything's wrong."

Lorelai stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head and as they walked back to the house Rory felt like a little girl again.

"Tell me what's going on," Lorelai said, once they had settled on the couch with a cup of coffee and icecream. "Tell me what's wrong and we'll figure out how to fix it."

"You can't fix it," Rory wailed. "Everything sucks."

"Just talk to me."

"I don't know where to start," Rory said, tears dripping off her nose. "I'm just so unhappy, Mom."

"Tonight or in general?"

"Tonight," Rory said miserably. "All week. All since we got back from Stars Hollow."

"What happened?" Lorelai asked seriously. "Rory, tell me."

"Jess found out his dad is coming back to town," Rory said, taking a deep, shuddery breath. "And he didn't tell me for a while and I got mad and I yelled at him because I didn't know what was wrong."

"His dad?" Lorelai echoed in bemusement. "I didn't know they saw each other."

"That's just it, they don't. It's the first time in ten years and he's hurt, Mom, and I don't know how to help. I can't help and I feel so useless and I guess I figured that when he told me he'd be okay again and he's not, of course he's not and I feel stupid."

"Rory."

"I feel like I should be doing more," Rory said. "I feel like I should be making it better."

"Rory, how can you make it better? You don't know his dad and even if you did how would it solve anything? This is his thing. You just have to be there."

"I feel like I'm not," Rory sobbed. "I feel like I'm just offering useless advice and like I'm not good enough."

"That's not true," Lorelai said fiercely and she looked at her daughter. "Kid, when are you going to learn that there are some things you can't be in control of? You can't make this better. You can't make Jess feel better about his father and you can't be in control of this situation. You just have to let him know that he can talk to you and that you're there for him."

"I don't think he wants to talk to me."

"That doesn't mean you're failing. He has to want to talk about it and it doesn't mean there's something wrong if he doesn't want to all the time. He knows you're there for him and that's what he needs."

"I know you're right," Rory said and a big tear fell down her cheek. "God, I sound selfish. He's going through hell and I'm the one crying about it."

"You're crying because you want to help him," Lorelai said gently. "And that's not selfish at all."

Rory nodded, crying properly again and Lorelai rubbed her back.

"That's not all that's wrong," she said tearfully. "Before Jess told me what was going on we had a huge fight about him not opening up and I had this rotten day at work and I was a jerk to this intern and when I was in the bathroom I heard these women talking about me."

"What were they saying?"

"That I'm a weird loner," Rory sobbed. "That I'm a freak for being close to you."

Lorelai didn't say anything for a moment and Rory plunged on.

"I'm not ashamed of that," she said unhappily. "But it just got to me. I've only ever had Paris and Lane as real friends, I barely know anyone at work and I've never cared enough to try and know them better and they've never tried to know me. Is there something wrong with me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you," Lorelai said and Rory laughed bitterly, wiping at her eyes.

"I'm twenty-eight years old and I'm crying because I'm not popular. There's definitely something wrong."

"Rory."

"Mom, did you ever...?" Rory hesitated and Lorelai looked at her curiously. "Were you ever sorry about how I turned out?"

"How can you ask that?"

"I was never like a little kid," Rory said, blinking away the last of her tears. "I was never like a teenager, I wasn't...I was never that fun. I was just into study and reading. You used to tell me to misbehave."

"Rory, you were never boring and I have never been sorry about who you are, how can you say that?"

"Because you were always the one doing impulsive, crazy stuff and I was the one saying we should think stuff through."

"Well, one of us had to," Lorelai said but Rory wouldn't smile. "Rory, I love who you are and I always have."

"It's just...you were such a cool mom," Rory said. "And you had such a crazy adolescence and then I came along and you lost that."

"That's not your fault, sweets and anyway, I didn't have many real friends to start with."

"You didn't?" Rory asked in surprise.

"I was best friends with your dad," Lorelai said. "And a handful of girls at school but when I told them I was pregnant they went and gossiped and the ones who didn't just lost touch. I had to leave school and their parents didn't want them to see me and anyway, by that point our lives were totally different. I went to some expectant mom groups but no one wanted to make friends with a sixteen-year-old. When I had you I didn't make any real friends until I met Sookie."

"That must have been lonely, Mom."

"A little," Lorelai said honestly. "A lot, sometimes, but I always had you."

Rory hugged her and started crying again.

"I guess it just hurts not fitting in sometimes," she said eventually. "Like you're on the outside looking in."

"I know. I know it does."

They sat in silence for a while and Rory wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

"Thanks, Mom," she said in a wobbly voice. "Thanks for letting me talk."

"I'm glad you did. You know you always can."

"Thanks for what you said about Jess," Rory said shyly. "I know I can't be in control – well, I should know."

"It's hard for me to remember that too," Lorelai said, smiling sadly. "Too bad I can't always take my own advice."

"I want to talk to him about his dad," Rory said. "But how can I, when I can't talk to Dad? I called him tonight and I thought we could go for coffee or something but...but we can't even have a real conversation, ever, we don't know each other and so I didn't ask and then he had to go get Gigi."

"Rory," Lorelai said in concern as her daughter's face started to crumple again.

"I know I sound like a little kid," she sobbed. "But it's like she's his real daughter and I'm just his screw-up."

"He does not think that."

"He cares about her, he has her calendar on his wall, he checks her homework."

"He raised her Rory, he still is. He cares about you too."

"I know he loves me," Rory said tearfully. "But did he never try to be my dad?"

She started crying hard again and Lorelai made soothing noises and held her tightly until she stopped.

"He was very young when you were born," Lorelai said gently. "And he did want to be your dad, he wanted to get married like our parents planned but it wouldn't have worked out. He was a kid. It didn't work out when you were born, he was scared of you, he held you like a doll as if he couldn't believe you were his."

"You were a kid too."

"I know, and I still get mad sometimes," Lorelai said truthfully. "But he was only sixteen and he just wasn't ready. He wanted to be but he couldn't and he ran. He's always loved you, it just took him longer to grow up."

"He doesn't try now."

"I think he wants to," Lorelai said carefully. "But he's scared you'll turn him away, he thinks you don't need him and he knows he let you down."

Rory was silent and Lorelai said,

"I think you have every right to be mad at your dad but don't think he doesn't want to know you. He does, he's just scared, like he always has been."

Rory didn't know what to say to that and she laid her head on her mother's shoulder for a moment.

"I'm going to go to bed, Mom," she said slowly. "I'm so tired."

"Your bed's always made up."

Rory nodded, too exhausted to think of a witty comment and shortly after, when she had got under the covers and closed her eyes she knew her mother had come in and was sitting on the chair with a pillow and blanket. Rory opened her mouth to say she would be okay alone but before she could she was already drifting off into a deep, dark sleep without dreams.


	45. Chapter 45

Rory woke very early the next morning. Her mother was still sleeping in the chair but she opened her eyes as her daughter sat up.

"Morning, sweets."

"You did not have to sit up all night with me, Mom."

"I wanted to."

"What time is it?" Rory asked, sitting up and glancing at the clock that still sat beside her bed. "Wow, it's only five thirty. Do you want to go back to sleep?"

"I have a crick in my neck that won't let me," Lorelai said, wincing as she got up and Rory followed suit.

"I'm wide awake anyway."

She made the bed and Lorelai looked at her carefully.

"Are you...okay?" she asked and Rory returned her look of concern.

"Sort of," she said, putting her arms around her mother. "I will be."

Lorelai nodded and hugged her back.

"That's a start."

Rory got ready long before her mother had even finished in the bathroom.

"Come on, Mom!" she yelled. "If we go now we can beat the morning crowd!"

Lorelai came down the stairs looking sheepish.

"I don't know if I want to go to Luke's."

"Mom!" Rory exclaimed. "We have to eat! Is this about that moment the other day? It is, isn't it?"

Lorelai bit her lip and Rory said,

"You can't avoid him forever and besides, I need food."

"It's nice to know how altruistic your motivation is," Lorelai said sarcastically. "Fine. You're ordering, though."

Rory led the way. Luke's was almost empty and he stared in disbelief as the two walked through the door.

"What the hell are you two doing here so early?"

"Good morning, sunshine," Lorelai said cheerfully. "You can always count on a friendly smile at Luke's."

He ignored her and turned to Rory.

"I didn't know you were coming down."

Rory shrugged.

"Sort of a spontaneous trip."

He looked at her carefully, guessing something was up but she looked away and picked up a menu.

"Can we have two blueberry pancakes?"

The breakfast was good but Luke didn't come and talk as much as he normally did and, besides the few necessary questions about how Rory was and how the inn was the conversation was minimal. Rory longed to tell her mother and almost step-father to stop acting like teenagers. She brought the empty plates over to Luke who was daydreaming, staring at Lorelai and in his own world, jumping when Rory put them down on the counter.

"Sorry, I was...thinking about something."

"Mom," Rory said and he looked away. "What's going on with you two?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? You ask her out on a date and it was nothing?"

"I did not ask her out on a date!" Luke exclaimed and Rory raised her eyebrows. "I didn't mean to, at least. Did I?"

"It sounded like it to me."

Luke looked dazed and ran a hand over his head.

"It was an accident."

"Come on, Luke. I know you meant it. You loved Mom so much."

"I'll always love your mom," Luke said honestly. "I always have loved her but I don't know if we should see each other again. It was a mistake."

"I think you should try," Rory said uncompromisingly. "At least talk to her. I hate it when it's weird between you two."

"It'll get a lot weirder if we're dating," Luke said honestly and Rory shrugged. He looked at her. "How's Jess?"

"I'm not really sure," Rory said and he frowned at her. "I know, Luke. He told me."

Luke sighed and took his cap off.

"Maybe I shouldn't have told him."

"He has a right to know. Do you know when Jimmy's coming?"

"Nope," Luke said. "Just an email that he might head down. Typical Jimmy. Just throws stuff like that at you and expects you to deal with it, with the barest detail possible. At least he told me, I guess, instead of just showing up at the diner like last time."

Rory nodded and he looked at her.

"How is he really?"

"Not great," Rory said. "He's mad. He's upset."

"I guessed he would be." Luke sighed and looked at her again. "He must really trust you to tell you."

"He didn't want to at first."

"Still means he trusts you."

Rory felt embarrassed and smiled and Luke smiled too, looking awkward.

"I didn't really tell you," he said. "How totally and insanely happy I am that you're back together again."

Rory wanted to say something but could only grin and go red.

"I know he screwed up last time," Luke said. "And needed a lot of growing up to do, but I know how much he cared about you and now he's...I'd say my nephew is a pretty decent guy."

"I'd say so too," Rory said quietly.

"I'm so glad you're giving it a second chance," Luke said. "You know, sometimes I think both of you are more clued up then your mom and I ever were."

Rory didn't know what to say to that but then Lorelai was walking over.

"Sweets? Are you ready to go?"

"Just about," Rory said and she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "It was good seeing you, Luke."

"Good seeing you too," Luke said and he looked at his watch. "I have to go pick up April from college. How crazy is that? I have a daughter in college."

"Say hi from me," Rory said and he nodded, waving goodbye to them as they left the diner.

"You need to talk to him, Mom," Rory said as they made their way home. "He misses you."

"Not now, Rory."

"You gave me advice last night," Rory said. "Now it's my turn – talk to him. You miss each other."

Lorelai nodded but Rory couldn't tell if it was to taking her advice or acknowledging that she missed him and as she walked up the path to their house Rory added,

"He still loves you," but Lorelai either ignored her or chose not to hear.

"So what are you going to do today?" Lorelai asked, once they had settled on the sofa with coffee. "Do you want to hang around here?"

Rory hesitated.

"It's not that I don't want to, Mom," she said slowly. "But I think I need to go and talk to Jess."

Lorelai nodded and Rory continued,

"I'm sorry just to drive down to vent and leave."

"I get it," Lorelai said, pulling her into a hug. "You need to see him. It's okay, Rory. We'll have a real weekend soon."

"We've got to go to Grandma's," Rory said, making a face and her mother laughed. "Okay, I'm going to try and beat traffic."

They hugged again as Rory got ready to head off.

"Drive safe," Lorelai said firmly. "Pull over if you need coffee."

"I would never get home if I stopped every time I needed coffee."

They laughed and Lorelai smoothed the hair away from her daughter's face.

"Are you really okay, Rory?"

"I'm better than I was last night," Rory said, smiling. "I'll be fine, Mom."

"Call me if you're not."

Rory nodded and climbed into the car.

"It'll be okay, Rory," Lorelai said, taking her hand through the window. "I promise."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too."

Traffic was smooth and for once Rory did not arrive in the city phenomenally late. She drove straight to Jess's building, managing to find a parking space not too far away and as she walked up to the door someone was going out and let her in. Rory ran up the stairs to Jess's apartment and just as she was about to knock on the door Chris came out, stopping in surprise.

"Hi."

"Hi," Rory said awkwardly. "Is Jess in?"

"He's in bed," Chris said and then grinned. "Guess that doesn't really matter, does it?"

They laughed briefly and Chris held the door open for her.

"I'm going home for the weekend to see my parents," he told her. "So I won't be pestering you for a while."

"Have fun," Rory said and he made a face, smiled and stepped aside as she walked through. Rory carefully closed the door and tiptoed over to Jess's bedroom. The door was ajar and she could see him sleeping through the crack. Rory put her purse down, took off her jacket and quietly entered the room, shutting the door. She slid under the covers with him and kissed his neck.

"Hi."

"When did you get here?" Jess asked in surprise, waking instantly.

"Now," Rory said simply and she put her arms around him as he kissed her, taking his top off. He ran his hands through her hair before helping take her shirt off, slipping off her bra and burying his face in her breasts, kissing the space in between and sliding down her pants. Rory moaned, kissing him desperately, feeling him grow hard and then reaching and pulling him inside her, wrapping her legs around him. They had sex urgently and as they finished Rory pushed Jess onto his back and sat astride him, gasping as he gave one final thrust and feeling herself come. For a moment neither said anything and then Rory moved off and lay down beside him where they breathed heavily for a while.

"I guess you're glad to see me," Rory said eventually and he smiled and kissed her shoulder.

"That and we haven't had sex all week."

"Romantic as always," Rory joked, rolling her eyes but she smiled and snuggled against him. "I missed you too."

"I'm sorry I haven't been exactly chatty this week," Jess said, taking her hand. "I just can't even figure it out in my head."

"You don't need to be sorry."

"I wanted to talk to you about it," Jess said seriously, looking into her eyes. "I still want to talk to you about it, it's just...it's hard, Rory. I don't know where to start."

"Talk when you're ready," Rory said gently and he nodded, squeezing her hand.

"What's going on with you?" Jess asked. "I feel like I haven't seen you all week."

"Not that much," Rory said, sitting up slightly. "I went home last night and I had a really crappy conversation with my dad."

"When you went home?"

"No, before. It was half the reason I went."

"When?" Jess asked, frowning. "You came over after work."

"Right before then."

"You didn't say anything."

Rory bit her lip.

"I didn't want to talk about all the stuff going on with my dad," she said, feeling her cheeks grow hot. "Not with all the stuff going with yours."

"So you wanted to spare my feelings?"

"I guess," Rory said honestly. "I didn't want to be insensitive."

"Rory, just because I've got crap going on with my dad doesn't mean I can't handle hearing about other people's."

"I know, I just didn't want to make it about me."

"That's not what it would have been. You should have said something was up – that's exactly what you got mad at me about before. It goes both ways, Rory."

"I know it does," Rory said unhappily. "I just thought you had enough going on."

"I can handle it," Jess said again and he looked at her. "I knew you were upset about something. You should've said."

"I'm sorry."

"How about we promise to take our own advice?" Jess asked. "And promise not to let ourselves get screwed up by stuff without telling each other."

"I think that sounds good," Rory said and she linked her little finger with his, making him laugh. "Pinky swear?"

"I feel like a girl. Pinky swear."

"Nothing wrong with being a girl."

"I never said there was, just that I feel like one now. Never made a pinky swear before."

"The best way to make a promise," Rory said and he laughed again, kissing her fingers before letting them go.

"So what happened with your dad?" Jess asked, making the mood serious again. "Did you fight?"

"No, we didn't fight," Rory said unhappily, drawing the covers over her. "We had an awfully polite conversation."

Jess was silent and Rory added,

"Don't laugh, okay?"

"Who says I'm laughing? So tell me. What was so bad about it"?

"I was thinking about him after you talked about Jimmy," Rory said nervously but Jess's expression didn't change. "And about how we don't have a great relationship either, so I figured I should try and fix that and thought I'd call to see if he'd go for coffee with me."

"He said no?"

"He didn't say anything," Rory said in frustration. "He didn't say anything because I didn't ask."

Jess didn't say anything, waiting for her to go on and Rory hugged her knees.

"I didn't ask because there wasn't any point," she said eventually. "We were awkward on the phone, he kept asking why I'd called and then he kept talking about Gigi, picking her up and it was easier to just forget about it."

"Do you think he'd have wanted to go?"

"Maybe," Rory said, staring down at her legs. "But it would have been weird and he wouldn't have got it. We'd end up just talking about Gigi, I expect. She's the daughter he really cares about."

Jess didn't say anything and Rory sighed.

"I sound like a five-year-old."

"Not really," Jess said. "You sound jealous."

"And thus like a five-year-old," Rory said miserably. "I hate that I am. I love Gigi, it's not her fault Dad flaked out on me and her mom left."

Jess leant on his arm and looked at her.

"You're mad that she has what you didn't."

"Yeah," Rory admitted. "It's hard, when I go to see her and Dad's taking care of her, making sure she's okay and then Gigi's telling me all about what they've done that week. It hurts every time and I hate that it does. I'm twenty-eight, I don't need my dad. I never needed him when I was a kid, I was fine."

"He let you down."

"Yeah, but it's not like he walked out," Rory said. "It's more that he'd walk in when he wanted to."

Jess nodded and Rory looked at him.

"Do you think I'm pathetic for being jealous of Gigi?"

"No, I don't," Jess said simply. "And I'm hardly the guy to judge about dad stuff."

He leant over and kissed her and Rory lay her head on his chest.

"I shouldn't feel jealous of her. She doesn't have a mom and I know that hurts her too. You never feel jealous of Dula, do you?"

"No," Jess said honestly. "I love the kid to pieces. Luke asked me once, if it bothered me that she'll have a mom that's more together than Liz ever was when she raised me, but it doesn't. I think about being a kid sometimes and how messed up it was and even though it was, and it _really_ was, I wouldn't change it."

"You wouldn't?"

"I'd get rid of some of her guys," Jess said. "And I wouldn't say or do some of the crap I did, but otherwise, I wouldn't change it. You couldn't pay me to relive it but we had some good times, just me and Liz. I remember sometimes she'd sit me on the counter because I was too small to climb up and put her arms around me and we'd look out of the window and she'd say, _that's our city, kid. It's you and me against the world but there isn't anything we can't do._"

Rory smiled against his chest.

"That's a nice story."

"She'd finish it by drinking some wine and saying that the bastards would try and screw us over but we'd still beat them," Jess said with a laugh. "But it was kind of beautiful, all the same."

Rory was silent as he ran her hand over her shoulder and arm.

"I wish I could feel that way," she said eventually. "I wish I could just think of the good times with Dad and feel at peace with it all. It wasn't all terrible. I remember he'd got some kind of money once and he took me to a toystore and told me to go nuts and I bought a pink scooter and then we went to a icecream parlour and he ordered me the biggest chocolate sundae on the menu, with insane amounts of chocolate and he let me eat all of it without trying any himself and even though I puked up all night and Mom was so mad it was the best day ever. I rode that scooter for years."

"Do you still have it?"

"I think I might, actually, somewhere. I don't remember ever throwing it out and Mom wouldn't without asking me."

Jess nodded and they were silent for a moment.

"It's not like I never feel mad at Liz," Jess said eventually. "I'll always have issues – God, I hate that word. I hate that I care about my dad coming. He was never there so how I can I feel anything? At least with Liz I have stuff to actually feel mad about."

"He's your dad."

"He's_ not_ my dad," Jess said angrily. "He was there for the sperm part and even that was an accident. Then he totally messed with my mom and acted like we'd be some happy family and he couldn't handle it when she actually had me."

"How old was he?"

"Nineteen, I think. It's not like I'd have made a great dad then either but I'd have been straight about it instead of acting like it was a fucking fairytale."

"My dad could have used the same advice," Rory said bitterly. "He thought he could marry Mom and we'd live happily ever after."

"Fathers suck, don't they?"

"Ours do at least."

Rory sighed.

"Dad doesn't suck with Gigi," she said. "And I suppose it's hard seeing how great he is with her and how he totally messed up with me, even though I know it's different. I don't even want to be a daddy's girl and that's what I sound like."

"You just want a decent dad."

Rory nodded and felt him run his hand through her hair.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked eventually. "Why did you just let me think it was the work stuff that was hurting you?"

"Because it was, in a way," Rory said. "That was hurting me too. It still does, when I think about it."

He nodded ad she looked at him curiously. "Did you have friends at school?"

"Which school?"

"I don't know, any."

"Not really," Jess said honesty. "Sometimes I'd hang around with kids and then they'd end up being a jerk about Liz and I'd tell them to get screwed. The ones who weren't jerks told e their mom had said they were too precious to hang around with a bad influence like me."

"People suck."

"Yeah, they do," Jess said with a small grin. "I mean, I know could be a jerk about Liz – I _was_ a jerk – but no one else had the right and anyway, I never really meant it. I never hated my mom."

"I know you didn't."

There was a look of sadness in Jess's eyes and Rory took his hand. He held it but didn't squeeze it or reach her eyes.

"Did you have any friends?" he asked, throwing the question back. "Besides Lane?"

"Hardly," Rory said, suddenly feeling adolescent. "I've had Lane since I was five and Paris since Chilton and I guess that's it. I was friends with a couple of girls at Yale but we lost touch, and I hung around with Logan's friends but they were never really mine. I never needed anyone else."

Jess nodded and Rory frowned, thinking back.

"When I went to Yale I thought I'd fit in," she said. "I was going to an Ivy League school where everyone cared about studying and I thought I'd meet people like me who loved to study and read and it would be everything I thought Chilton was going to be and wasn't."

"It wasn't how you thought it would be."

"No, it wasn't," Rory said unhappily. "Everyone was just so..._intense_. They'd lock themselves in the library or their room and never wanted to do anything but study, and everyone else would party or be obsessed with running or something. Then I couldn't keep up and there was no one I could really tell. I've never really told anyone this but that first year was one of the loneliest of my life. Part of me wanted to go when you showed up at my door."

"You were smart not to. You had Yale."

"Yeah, until I dropped out the next year," Rory said desperately. "And I went to Grandma's, just fell into this rich world with Logan and I thought, for a little while, _this is it_. This is where I'm meant to be, this s what I know how to do."

Jess was silent as she paused and then added,

"It was just an escape. I'd wake up in the night or suddenly, right in the middle of something, I'd feel panic. It was like everything was frozen for a second and I was looking at myself and I'd ask what I was doing and I knew I was making a huge mistake and I just pushed it away. Logan's friends were never mine, that kind of life was never mine and I knew it. I was trying to be something I'm not."

"I know what it's like to need to an escape," Jess said gently. "I tried to escape for years. I think if we had run away it would have just been an escape."

"What do you mean?"

"I loved you," Jess said. "But I hadn't seen you for a year and we were different, we didn't really know each other the same way and I was messed up, I still had all that stuff going on and so did you and I know it wouldn't have worked out. We'd have started to hate each other."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. We'd have found an apartment and you'd think about Yale and what you'd lost and we wouldn't have had any money and I'd have hated myself for making you unhappy...trust me Rory, you were right to say no. I was running away and trying to take you with me. I was trying to escape everything."

"I still wonder," Rory said. "What it would have been like."

"So do I."

"You don't know how close I was to saying yes."

He kissed her and took her hand, holding it tight. Rory was silent and thoughtful.

"Does it ever bother you that we're loners?" Rory asked suddenly and he looked at her quizzically but the frankness of the question didn't throw him off.

"I think people are overrated," he said firmly and he gave her a kiss on the cheek. "And I'd rather have a few people who actually give a damn then fifty who just pretend."

Rory smiled.

"I think you're right."

He gave her a crooked grin and glanced at the clock.

"It's late. Do you want to get up?"

"No," Rory said, pushing the sheet back again. "I want to start making up for last week."

He grinned and as he started to kiss her, pulling her on top of him Rory thought suddenly how while he'd try to make her escape with him he'd been one who'd found her when she'd ran and brought her back.


	46. Chapter 46

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The rest of the weekend was pleasant. Rory and Jess stayed in bed most of Saturday, getting up only for food and on Sunday they went for a long walk around Washington Square Park, sitting on their bench and talking about their newest reads and, as they made their way home, Rory wished she could always feel this content. They stopped to get pizza on the way home and Rory held the boxes as Jess got the key for the door. It had started to rain on the way back and her hair was wet but she didn't mind and she smiled as he got the door open and took one of the boxes from her.

"What are you smiling about?" he asked, laughing and Rory shrugged, grinning.

"I don't know. I'm just happy."

She reached over and kissed him, the pizza box getting squashed between them. They laughed and Jess put it on the table, picking up his cellphone at the same time.

"So how badly do you want that pizza?" Rory asked, starting to take off her jacket but stopping as she saw the frown on Jess's face.

"What?"

"Luke called," Jess said. "He called when we were out."

"Didn't you have your phone with you?"

"I hate carrying my phone around."

"That's the whole point of a cellphone," Rory teased but he wasn't listening, staring at the screen. "Jess?"

"I know what this is about. I have to call him back," Jess said, sounding slightly dazed. He looked up and asked, "Luke didn't say anything to you, did he? You said you saw him."

"Nothing more than you've told me."

Jess nodded and went out into the hallway. Rory picked up one of the pizza boxes and went and sat in the kitchen, feeling somewhat pointless. She ate one of the slices of pizza.

Jess came back about five minutes later and threw the phone on the table, making her jump.

"What did he say?"

"Jimmy's coming down next Saturday," Jess said angrily. "He's selling a _boat _of all things."

"What kind of boat?"

"I don't know, Rory!" Jess snapped. "That wasn't exactly a burning question."

Rory bit her lip and looked down. Jess groaned and sat next to her.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, it was a stupid question."

"Yeah, but I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Rory said and he took her hand.

"Will you go with me?"

"What?" Rory asked, looking up and he was staring at her, his eyes deep and pleading.

"Will you go with me?" he asked again. "When I go see Jimmy – please come with me."

"I – are you sure you don't want to do this on your own?"

"I can't do this on my own," Jess said honestly. "Luke offered him to come but I want you to. Please, Rory."

"Of course I'll come," Rory said, ashamed with herself for hesitating. "You know I will."

He nodded, leaned over and kissed her and opened the pizza box. They ate the rest in silence.

The following week passed quickly, too quickly, the upcoming meeting with Jess's father arriving at an alarming speed. Jess was quiet most of the time, keeping to himself but Rory came over every evening and he would kiss her fiercely and hold her tight.

On Saturday morning Rory woke early. Jess was already out of bed and she sat up to see him staring in front of a mirror, several discarded shirts behind him.

"Hey," Rory said, getting out of bed and walking over to him. "What are you doing?"

"I can't figure out what to wear," Jess said in frustration, gesturing at all the clothes behind him. "Nothing looks right."

"You look fine," Rory said soothingly, laying her head on his shoulder but he shook his head roughly and turned away from the glass.

"Everything looks wrong. God, this is stupid. I shouldn't even care about what I look like to him. I don't want to look like I made an effort but I can hardly roll up in a T-shirt."

"How about your old leather jacket?" Rory joked but he wasn't in the mood and didn't smile.

"I don't even know where it is."

"I was just kidding," Rory said and she looked up at him. "What you're wearing's great."

Jess looked in the mirror again, shook his head and sat down on the end of the bed. Rory sat next to him and took his hand.

"We're not meeting him until lunchtime, you don't need to get dressed now."

"I've been awake since five."

Rory nodded and they sat silently for a while.

"What d you think I should wear?" she asked eventually. "A dress or pants?"

"It's Jimmy, you don't need to dress up."

"I know, but I want to look nice."

"You always look nice," Jess said and Rory smiled at the simple compliment and kissed him. "Except for the time you wore that preppy jacket," he added, and Rory swatted him gently. "That wasn't your best look."

"Neither was your T-shirt with the butt on it," Rory retorted. "Anyway, you can relax, I left the jacket at Grandma's."

"Unfortunately for you I still have that T-shirt," Jess said seriously and Rory stared at him. "Just kidding."

"Hilarious. Speaking of jackets, do you still have that old leather one? I was just kidding when you said you should wear it, but I'd be sad if you'd thrown it out."

"I think I have it somewhere," Jess said, frowning. "I know I never lost it. Man, I haven't thought of that jacket in years. I can't remember when I last wore it."

"It's how I always used to remember you. Even after I saw you at the Truncheon and I'd wonder about what you were doing I'd think of you in that jacket."

Jess laughed and shook his head.

"I'd stopped wearing it long by then."

"How did you imagine me?" Rory asked, wondering why her question made her feel so nervous. "After I came to see you?"

Jess was silent and she felt her mouth go dry.

"Did you imagine me in preppy clothes?" she asked, feeling her heart thump. "Did you think about me at all?"

"Yeah, I thought of you," Jess said, looking into her eyes. "And never in those clothes."

"What clothes did you see me in?"

"I didn't really see you in any clothes," Jess said and then went red as Rory began to laugh. "Okay, I saw you dressed but that wasn't really what I thought about. I just always remembered you with a book. I used to think about what you were reading."

Rory didn't say anything and Jess said awkwardly,

"I guess that's not the most romantic way to think of someone, but –"

He was cut off as Rory put her arms around him and began to kiss him.

"I guess you don't mind," he managed to say as they stopped for air and Rory pushed him down onto the bed, silently thinking that it was the most wonderful thing he could have said, despite not being entirely able to place why.

Finally it was time to meet Jimmy. They had arranged to meet near Washington Square Park and Rory felt Jess tense up as they approached the small coffee shop they had agreed to meet in. Rory had suggested Bill's but Jess had shook his head vigorously.

"That's_ our_ place," he'd said furiously. "Never his."

Rory took Jess's hand and he jumped slightly.

"Are you okay?" she asked anxiously.

"I'm fine," he said automatically. They both knew he wasn't.

"If you want to call the whole thing off we can," Rory said, stopping and looking at him. "It's not too late – I can go in there and tell him that. He's crazy just to waltz in like this."

"He is crazy," Jess said honestly. "But I'm going to do this, I'm not going to run away."

"It wouldn't be running away."

"It would to me," Jess said and he put an arm around her. "Let's get this over with."

Rory nodded, kissed him and they walked up to the tiny building, hidden away like all of Jess's venues. He stopped, turned to Rory and asked awkwardly,

"How do I look?"

He'd settled on a dark blue shirt and black pants and Rory smiled.

"You look great."

"Not too messed up?"

"Not messed up at all."

"I think you're lying, but thanks."

He kissed her to show he wasn't annoyed and Rory asked,

"How about me? Do I look okay?"

"You look gorgeous."

"Not too dressed up?"

She had chosen a simple dress with daisies on and small heels and had curled her hair. Jess grinned at her, tucking a spare hair behind her ear.

"I think anything is too dressed up for Jimmy, but not for a regular person."

"Good, I guess," Rory said, laughing but she stopped as Jess looked through the window and tensed up again. "What is it?"

"I can see him through the window."

Rory glanced through and saw a man nearing middle-age sitting at a table near the back, studying a menu. He hadn't seen them.

"Are you sure?" Rory asked him gently and he swallowed, nodded and pushed the door open.

Jimmy didn't look up from his menu and it was only until Jess and Rory were standing right in front of him and Jess coughed that he noticed them. He slowly put the menu down and stared.

"Wow," he said. "Look who cleaned up. Kid, you look a whole lot better than you did ten years ago."

"I _am_ a whole lot better," Jess said in a tight voice. There was an awkward pause and Jimmy looked over to Rory.

"And who's this?"

"This is my girlfriend," Jess said, sounding irritated and Rory shyly stuck her hand out for him to shake.

"I'm Rory."

"Rory," Jimmy echoed, shaking it and staring at her. "I know that name. Why do I know that name?"

Jess didn't help him out and he stopped, pointing a finger at her.

"Are you _Rory_ Rory? That Gilmore girl?"

Rory wasn't sure what to say and he rushed on, excited,

"You must be her. The girl he was such a mess about. The one he was in love with and kept talking about, saying how he'd screwed up and hurt you. Are you her?"

"Yes," Rory said awkwardly. "I'm her."

"Well, isn't that something," Jimmy said in admiration. "And aren't _you_ something?"

Rory didn't know what to say to that and she glanced over to Jess who was looking severely annoyed. She broke the silence by saying,

"So should we sit down?"

"Sit, sit," Jimmy said, gesturing wildly and they pulled up chairs opposite him. Rory looked at him carefully but couldn't see any trace of Jess in him at all.

"So..." Jimmy asked curiously. "What _did_ he do to screw it up with you, Rory?"

"Oh..." Rory started nervously but Jess said furiously,

"Forget it, Jimmy."

He put his hands up and a waiter showed up asking if he could take their order.

"Just coffee for me thanks," Jess said and Rory said the same. Jimmy frowned at them.

"You haven't seen the menu. Their burgers look fantastic."

"I don't want one," Jess said tightly.

"Neither do I," Rory said quickly and Jimmy said,

"Isn't this lunch?"

"We have a special of the day," suggested the waiter nervously and Jess said,

"Fine, I'll have that."

"You don't even know what it is," Jimmy said and Jess said fiercely,

"It's fine."

"It's a new burger," the waiter said. "What would you like?" he asked turning to Rory who was caught off-guard.

"Oh – the same."

"Coming right up," he said to them, snapping his notebook shut and walking away. Their coffees arrived shortly afterwards and they sipped in silence.

"So what are you doing here?" Jess asked eventually. "What's all this about a_ boat_?"

"Oh, yeah," Jimmy laughed. "Sasha and me got a boat. Figured we could sail it around the coast, teach Lily how, only it was more complicated than we thought and the one time we tried Lily fell in the ocean and Sasha said it had to go. So it went. Went to some guy in Connecticut."

"How is Sasha?"

"She's alright. Probably still mad that we never got married but she's still here and she says she still loves me."

"Still got all those dogs and cats?"

"More or less. Few of them died but she's got new ones now."

Rory stared at them, feeling completely lost but Jess didn't seem perturbed.

"How's Lily?"

"Oh, she's great," Jimmy laughed. "Getting ready for college. She still reads in closets, you know. She could never break the habit."

"Worse habits in life," Jess shrugged and he nodded. They resumed silence until Jess put his cup down heavily.

"Mom is fine, thanks for asking," he said sarcastically. "You know, she's married now and got it together and she's got a kid, I've got a sister and she's the best thing Liz has ever done only you don't know, do you, because you've never asked."

Jimmy stared at him but before he could open his mouth to reply the waiter brought three burgers over.

"Here you are, folks," he said cheerfully. "Enjoy!"

They ignored him and, sensing the family quarrel, the waiter backed away silently.

"I didn't think you'd want me to ask about Liz," Jimmy said eventually. "When you stayed with me you kept saying she was a whack-job."

Jess bit his lip and avoided Rory's eye. She took his hand under the table.

"Yeah, she was a little crazy," Jess said. "But I was mad at her and she's not now and besides, that's not the point. You should have asked. You should care, you had a kid with her even if you ran out the second I was born."

"Then I'm sorry."

"Don't you want to know how I am?" Jess asked, clutching Rory's hand tight. "Don't you want to know what your son's been doing for the past ten years?"

"I know what you've been doing."

"How?" Jess demanded. "How the hell have you known what I've been doing?"

"Luke emailed me."

"Luke –" Jess stopped in shock. "How did he get your email? Since when have you two been pen pals?"

Jimmy cleared his throat.

"When you showed up," he said slowly. "Luke found my email – I don't know how – and emailed asking if you were okay. I emailed back to say you were and I emailed when you left. I email every once in a while to see what you're up to."

Jess stared at him in disbelief.

"To what, feel like less of a crap father?" he demanded. "You email to get a news bulletin and then you can forget about me again for the next six months?"

"It's not like that, Jess."

"So how is it?" Jess shouted. "Really, I'm intrigued. You ran out of my mom the second I was born –"

"Because I knew I couldn't be a dad to you!"

"And then you just showed up eighteen years later!" Jess continued, ignoring him. "You showed up, told me I was your dad and then you left again and the only reason we saw each other again was because I showed up on your doorstep begging you to let me stay and you said no. You said no!"

"I wasn't expecting you –"

"I was your son!" Jess shouted. "I'm your son, it doesn't matter whether or not you're expecting me! All I asked for was a spare mattress, for a few weeks and you said no!"

Rory stared at him in shock. She had never known any of this before, never heard Jess in so much pain and he added in a raw voice,

"I had nothing, nowhere to go, I was nothing and you told me to leave."

"I let you stay in the end," Jimmy said weakly and Jess snapped,

"Only when I had to practically kiss your shoes. Only when I told you that I was going to end up on the boardwalk if you didn't."

Jimmy fell silent and Jess took a deep breath, still holding Rory's hand.

"I thought we'd stay in touch," he said eventually. "When I left after that summer you said we'd see each other again. What happened to that?"

"I...I figured you didn't need me," Jimmy said uncomfortably. "You were grown –"

"I was_ grown_? I was messed up!"

"You said you didn't need a daddy!"

"I wasn't asking you to teach me how to ride a bike or something!" Jess shouted. "Or even to let me stay longer, I just thought a phone call here and there might be nice. I did live with you for three months."

"I didn't want to call right away," Jimmy said. "And then you know how something gets left for a while and it feels too late to call? It was like that."

"You don't seem to have any problem emailing Luke," Jess snapped. "And he's barely related to you. If you wanted news on me why not just go to the source?"

Jimmy looked uncomfortable and ripped one of his fries in half.

"I wanted to know how you were," he said. "But like I'd said, it had gone on too long and I'd messed up as a dad and I figured you would have got mad...Jess, I've always cared. I know how well you've done, the Truncheon, both your books – Lily loves them, she reads them all the time."

"The Truncheon's closed," Jess snapped. "Didn't you get that in your email?"

"You said you thought screwing up was in your genes," Jimmy said. "But obviously it isn't. You're a writer, you've made something of your life, more than I ever could. I can't believe you're my son."

Jess stared at him for a moment and then shook his head.

"You don't get to be proud of me," he said, sounding like he was fighting back tears. "You're not my dad, you don't."

"Jess –"

"I'm tired of this!" Jess shouted. "You thinking it's okay just to show up every ten years or so and pretend that you're my father!"

"Son –"

"Don't you_ dare_ call me son!" Jess yelled. "Getting emails from Luke about me doesn't mean you know me! Luke was more of a dad than you ever were!"

"Listen –"

"No, you listen," Jess said dangerously. "I'm out of here, we're out of here and this lunch is over, it's all over."

"Jess –"

"Enjoy the rest of your stay in Manhattan," Jess said angrily. "Try not to knock someone up this time."

He scraped his chair back, shaking away Rory's hand and stormed out, the door slamming behind him. Rory hesitated between going and giving him some space and she glanced across at the table where Jimmy was looking at her with a tired expression.

"I fucked up, didn't I?" he asked and Rory said quietly,

"Yeah, you did."

He sighed.

"I figured as much. Is your father better than I am?"

"I don't want to talk about my father," Rory said and he nodded. They sat silence for a moment.

"Hey," Jimmy said. "This may sound crazy, seeing as I don't know you and all, but I think you're good for him."

"Do you even know him?" Rory asked honestly and he shrugged.

"Well enough to know you are. He talked about you a lot back then."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, but it should stay private. It's good to meet you, Rory, after all this time."

Rory couldn't return the compliment but she smiled and as he smiled back she thought she could see a slight family resemblance after all.

"I need to go," she said and he nodded as she pushed her chair back. "Goodbye, I guess."

"See you," Jimmy nodded and Rory nodded too, despite thinking the farewell was somewhat inaccurate.

She couldn't see Jess straightaway as she left the cafe and, heart pounding, she stared around, kicking herself for not instantly following when suddenly she saw him standing with his back to her by a tree. Rory instantly ran over to him and as he looked up she saw tears glistening on his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," she said, putting her arms around him and holding him tightly. "I'm sorry I didn't come out right away."

"Rory –"

"I know it wasn't how you wanted it to go," she said, kissing his cheek. "I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"Rory –"

"I know Jimmy's been a jerk," Rory continued breathlessly. "But I don't think he meant to hurt you, all the same."

"Rory," Jess said seriously, putting his hands on her hips and looking into her eyes. "I love you."


	47. Chapter 47

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory looked back into his eyes, feeling as though her heart had stopped.

"You love me?" she echoed weakly and he smiled and said again,

"Yeah, I love you. I love you a lot."

Rory stared at him, speechless. She willed herself to say something but her voice seemed to have dried up.

"Rory?" Jess asked in concern and Rory was finally able to say,

"I...I...you love me?"

"Yes, I love you," Jess said, sounding slightly concerned and then he looked sad. "You can't say it back, can you?"

"I...I want to say it back," Rory said miserably and he looked at her.

"I don't want you to if you don't mean it."

"I want to mean it," Rory said and he nodded. They stood in silence for a while and Rory hated herself.

"I'm sorry," she said eventually, trying hard not to cry. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too," Jess said tightly. "But you feel what you feel."

Rory struggled to swallow the lump in her throat, feeling her nose begin to run. A tear dropped from her eye and splashed onto one of the daisies on her dress.

"I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I just can't say it yet."

Jess nodded and then suddenly he pulled her into a hug, kissing her cheek.

"Don't cry," he said, sounding like he wanted to himself. "Don't cry because you can't lie to me."

"It's not that," Rory sobbed. "I'm sorry, Jess. I'm a jerk."

"You're not a jerk," he said quietly and then he stepped back and took her hand. "Come on, let's go home. I wish this day was over."

Sniffling, Rory nodded and they walked home. Neither said a word on the way but Rory glanced up at Jess now and then. He was staring straight ahead, looking lost in his own thoughts and barely seemed to know she was there. When they got back to his apartment Jess stopped at the door, looking exhausted.

"Thanks for coming," he said, taking her hand. "It meant a lot."

"You were the brave one," Rory said and then winced at how condescending it sounded. "I didn't do anything."

"I couldn't have gone without you."

Rory nodded and he sighed.

"Do you mind if I'm alone tonight?" he asked her. "I need some time to think."

"Of course not," Rory said before asking nervously, "Are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm not mad," Jess said quietly.

"Jess, I'm –"

"Please don't say you're sorry," Jess said, stopping her. "Please."

Rory looked at him, not knowing what to say.

"Okay," she said softly. "But I am."

He nodded, kissed her on the cheek and held it for a moment in his hand before going into his apartment. Rory stayed there for a moment, just looking at the closed door before finally turning and walking home, crying the whole way.

The next few days were strange. Rory and Jess avoided each other, distant when they did talk and on Thursday evening Rory got a phonecall from her grandmother. She had just gone to Jess's apartment but had not stayed long, Jess citing needing to write and not sleeping well. Rory knew he wasn't being honest but had simply nodded and gone home.

"Hi Grandma," Rory said, trying not to sound irritable. "What's up?"

"Is that any way to greet your grandmother?" Emily asked waspishly. "_What's up_? What's up with _you_, young lady?"

"I'm sorry, Grandma," Rory said, closing her eyes. "How are you?"

"I'm perfectly well, thank you Rory," Emily said brightly, as though her granddaughter has just passed an etiquette examination. "How are you?"

"I'm...fine, Grandma," Rory lied but Emily didn't pick up on the tone.

"Well, good. I just wanted to call to make sure you were still coming for Friday night dinner."

"You know I wouldn't cancel." Rory didn't add that she knew her only excuse cancelling would be if her apartment was on fire and even then Emily would say it would be the perfect reason to stay.

"Good. And I was wondering..." Emily asked sheepishly. "How about we make it six-thirty instead of seven?"

Rory closed her eyes and tried not to groan.

"I don't know, Grandma," she said honestly. "I've got work – I can't leave much earlier than I already do, plus I have to get changed."

"Oh – alright then," Emily said sadly and Rory ventured,

"I was wondering if I could actually arrive later?"

"No!" Emily exclaimed, sounding alarmed. "Absolutely not, that's the deal Rory! It has to be seven!"

"Has to be?" Rory wondered out loud but she didn't ask further. "Alright, I'll see you seven."

"_At_ seven, Rory," Emily corrected. "What kind of a journalist are you if you don't use grammar properly?"

"Obviously a bad one," Rory snapped and then bit her tongue. There was a surprised pause at the other end of the line. "I'm sorry, Grandma. I just...I've had a bad day."

"That's quite alright, Rory," Emily said stiffly. "I'll see you then."

"Yes, then. Goodnight, Grandma."

"Goodnight – oh, and Rory? You'll look nice, won't you?"

Rory frowned, wondering what her grandmother was getting at.

"Sure," she said suspiciously. "Did I look bad last time?"

"Oh, no, of course not!" Emily said hastily. "Just – wear something pretty. Maybe something in blue."

"What's going on, Grandma?"

"Nothing," Emily said hastily. "I'll let you go now. Goodnight, Rory."

"Goodnight."

Rory hung up and frowned at the phone, sure that Emily had something planned but unsure what. She was dreading the dinner already without knowing why and the weekend loomed before her empty and bare. Rory thought about it, knowing already what it would be like, like all that week had been where she and Jess had been polite but not really talking. She felt miserable and put on a movie but didn't really watch it. On Friday, after she had got back to her apartment and got changed she suddenly decided to see Jess first and made a detour to his apartment, where she found Jess watching TV. He came out and frowned at her.

"I thought we said we'd see each other when you got back."

"I didn't want to wait," Rory said, seeing Chris through the gap of the door. He waved briefly and Jess shut it tightly behind them.

"What's going on?"

"Say that you're mad at me," Rory said and he looked down. "I know you are."

"I shouldn't be."

"But you are, aren't you?" Rory said and it was more of a statement than a question. "You are."

Jess didn't say anything for a moment and then snapped,

"Look, why do you want me to be mad at you?"

"I don't want you to be," Rory said. "I want you to be honest!"

"You want me to be honest?" Jess exclaimed. "What do you want me to say? That I wished I hadn't said anything? That I was already feeling like hell? That it killed me inside when I said I loved you and you just started _crying_?"

"I'm glad you told me," Rory said, heart thumping and Jess snapped,

"Yeah, well you didn't see the look on your face when I asked if you could say it back."

"I'm sorry –"

"Stop saying you're sorry!" Jess shouted. "Say_ something_ but don't say you're sorry!"

Rory bit her lip and Jess sighed, adding in a softer voice,

"It's just...I hate that word. It doesn't mean anything and it doesn't do anything."

"I want it to mean something," Rory said quietly and he looked at her.

"Which word?"

"Both," Rory said and he nodded. Neither said anything for a moment.

"I'm mad at you," Jess said eventually. "I know that probably isn't fair and I'd be more mad if you said it just to make me feel better, but I am. I can't help it."

"That's okay," Rory said, feeling an odd sense of relief. "I'm mad at me too."

Jess nodded and looked at her.

"I guess you're going now?"

Rory looked down at her clothes, smudged slightly by the dirt on the stairs and nodded.

"Are you going all weekend?"

"I don't know," Rory said. "Do you want me to?"

"I don't know," Jess said quietly and she nodded, picked her purse up and turned to go.

"I'm sorry, Rory," Jess said and she looked at him curiously.

"Is it such a useless word?"

He shrugged but didn't smile and Rory slowly walked down the stairs, already missing his kiss and touch.

Lorelai was waiting by her car when Rory pulled up. She had settled on black pants, a white shirt and blue cardigan, hoping it passed her grandmother's standards and Lorelai was wearing a skirt with a flowered top.

"Hey," Rory said, giving her mother a hug. "How do I look?"

"Fine," Lorelai said, looking at her curiously. "Why?"

"Grandma told me to make sure I look_ nice_."

"That's weird," Lorelai said, frowning. "She didn't say anything to me."

"Maybe she thinks you don't need to try."

Lorelai gave her a hollow laugh.

"Please, my mother has been dying to get her stylist's hands on me from the moment I grew hair."

Rory laughed but Lorelai caught the sadness and looked at her carefully.

"Are you okay, Rory?"

"Yes," Rory said automatically and then shook her head. "No. No, I'm not, I'm really, really not but I can't talk about it right now, okay?"

"Okay," Lorelai said, sounding concerned but she simply put an arm around her daughter and rang the bell. A maid answered but before she could offer to take their coats Emily was at her elbow, barking,

"Come on girls, we don't have all night!"

Lorelai and Rory looked at her and Lorelai asked,

"What's the rush, Mom?"

"No rush," Emily insisted and she looked at her daughter and granddaughter as they handed their coats to the maid. "Oh Rory, you might have worn a dress!"

"You just said to look nice," Rory protested. "What does that mean? I'm wearing blue, aren't I?"

"Well, it's too late now," Emily said desperately. "Girls, come through. We have a special guest."

She led them through to the lounge, stepped aside and beamed.

"Hi, Ace."

Rory stopped in shock. Sitting on her grandmother's sofa with a glass of champagne was Logan Huntzberger.


	48. Chapter 48

**SPOILER – America,Mer, I swear I wrote this before I saw your review!**

"Look at who's here!" Emily exclaimed, breaking the silence. "Aren't you going to say hello?"

Rory couldn't move, couldn't speak and her grandmother said impatiently,

"Rory?"

"It's good to see you, Ace," Logan said, getting up off the sofa and handing her a glass of champagne which he had just poured. "You look well. I hope you don't mind me making drinks, Emily?"

"Oh, go right ahead!"

Rory took it without thinking, not knowing what to do and she just stared at him in shock. He looked exactly the same.

"Hi, Logan," Lorelai said hastily, glancing over at her daughter who appeared to have gone mute. "How are you?"

"Rory, where are your manners?" Emily exclaimed, not giving Logan a chance to reply. "Logan is here as our guest and you can't say hello?"

_Our guest?_ Rory thought furiously but all she could do was swallow and manage to say,

"Hello."

"Hi," Logan said, grinning at her. "How about we sit down?"

"Yes," said Emily happily, clapping her hands. "Let's all sit and have a chat."

"Mom," Lorelai said dangerously, making her look at her. "I need to talk to you for a minute."

"I hope this isn't one of your dramatics, Lorelai," Emily said icily but Lorelai didn't back down and glared at her. Emily sighed and smiled at Logan and Rory.

"Lorelai and I will be just a few minutes" she said, using the voice for smoothing over any problems. "It will give you two a chance to catch up properly – my, it's been a while, hasn't it?"

Logan laughed but Rory just stared at her, anger beginning to hit yet she couldn't put form to any of it and could only stupidly sip her champagne and sit down on the sofa with the man she'd once almost married. Lorelai and Emily walked through to the other room and shut the door.

"It has been a while, hasn't it, Ace?" Logan asked cheerfully and Rory stared at him in disbelief, that he could sound so normal, so little moved by it all, as though he had only seen Rory last week.

"Yeah," Rory finally managed to say. "A while."

He chuckled and Rory hated how weak it had sounded. She didn't know what else to say. Behind the door she could start to hear Lorelai and Emily's raised voices but Logan acted like he couldn't hear a sound.

"So what have you been doing?" he asked and she shrugged. "Still deadset on that career of yours?"

Rory looked at him in disgust, unable to believe how patronising he was.

"Yes, I am _deadset_ on my career," she said icily. "Two Obama campaigns and a paper in New York, I was on the news once. How are you doing? When did you last write an article?"

"When I last needed to," Logan said and he took her hand. "You know, if you'd stayed with me you wouldn't need to write at all."

"I wouldn't _need_ to?" Rory exclaimed, shaking his hand away. "I _want_ to. It's who I am, you know that."

He laughed again and drank some champagne and Rory had a sudden urge to throw hers over his face.

"If you wanted to you could anyway, you were always a better writer than me. Didn't mean to offend you, Ace."

"Well, thanks for letting me know," Rory said sarcastically and Jess's words flashed through her mind suddenly – _he'd pat you on the head and tell you what a clever little girl you were_. She felt revolted.

Logan didn't seem to get the jibe and refilled his empty glass.

"Drink up, you've barely touched your glass."

"I don't want any."

"Seriously?" Logan demanded. "You could always match me drink for drink."

"I don't want to match you," Rory said angrily and this time he registered the tone. He looked at her and in the silence they heard Lorelai shouting at Emily, the words muffled.

"I hope that's not on account of me," joked Logan but Rory wouldn't smile. "Hey, come on Ace."

"Stop calling me Ace!" Rory shouted, putting her glass down. "Stop talking to me like this, what is this, what the hell if going on? Why are you here? What do you want?"

"I was in town on business," Logan said, staring into her eyes. "And I haven't seen you in – jeez, Rory, I haven't seen you since your graduation. That's insane."

"What a sterling memory that is. You said you wouldn't marry me if I had a career first."

"I did not say that."

"Oh, it was good enough!" Rory exclaimed. "All or nothing, remember? I do. You made me feel like crap for wanting to go and do something I've been waiting to do my entire life!"

"I thought little girls were meant to dream of getting married their entire life?" Logan teased and Rory stared at him, unable to believe that she had ever been in love with such a man.

"God, you're disgusting."

"Hey, you know that was a joke."

"It wasn't a joke when you said I couldn't have a career first, was it?" Rory retorted and he snapped,

"You could have had a career if you'd married me. It's not like the only papers are in the East."

"Well, why bother if I didn't_ need_ to?" Rory asked sarcastically. "I mean, I really should have dreaming about my wedding day, not some silly little career, _right_?"

They stared at each other in silence for a moment and then Logan said,

"Speaking of marriage, why didn't you come to my wedding?"

"I told you, I was overseas."

"I know you could have made it if you'd wanted to."

"Guess what, I didn't want to," Rory said hurtfully. "And what I would I have gone to – a_ party_. That wasn't a marriage Logan, that was an excuse for you get the thrill of walking down an aisle and then fuck other women when you had a wife at home."

Logan stared at her in shock and Rory added,

"I suppose you'd have given me the same thing to look forward to."

"It would have been different, Rory!" Logan said furiously. "I loved you, you think I cared about Candace?"

"Then why did you _marry_ her?" Rory asked, edging away. "What was it, a dare? A stunt for the Life and Death Brigade?"

"No, that was the affair," Logan joked and Rory got off the sofa. "Oh, lighten up."

"Lighten up?" Rory yelled. "You think this is funny? You married someone as a joke! You cheated on your wife and you're not even ashamed!"

"Because Canadace was always so faithful."

"That's not the point!" Rory shouted. "It's not even that you cheated, it's that you have a kid! You have a _child_!"

"That was a mistake."

"Yes, it was," Rory said furiously. "And so was me ever considering marrying you."

"It would have been different, Ace."

"I told you not to call me that," Rory snapped. "And I'm not stupid Logan – you might not remember those bridesmaids but I do."

Logan stared at her but before he could respond the door opened and a maid came nervously in.

"Dinner is served."

They looked at her and Logan took a deep breath and straightened his tie.

"Thank you, we'll be right through."

The maid nodded, scuttled away and Rory stared at him.

"You're seriously staying for dinner."

"Richard and Emily invited me," Logan said. "It would be rude not to. After you."

"No, you can go through first," Rory said coldly and he looked at her but walked through all the same. Lorelai and Emily were already at the table, avoiding each other's eyes and Rory sat as far from Logan as she could. Richard came down and sat at the head of the table.

"Wonderful," he said cheerfully, looking around at all of them. "Have you all caught up?"

No one said anything. Richard frowned but decided not to ask.

"So Logan," Richard said brightly, beginning to cut up his steak. "How's business?"

"Wonderful, sir," Logan said, acting as though the argument had never happened. "Just secured a deal in Germany and I'm heading over next week."

"Marvellous, marvellous. How's your father?"

Logan's face tightened and for a moment his cheerful demeanour slipped but he managed to smile.

"Fine, he sends his regards."

Rory said nothing throughout the meal and Lorelai sent her anxious glances but she refused to look up.

"Are you okay?" she whispered as Logan and Richard discussed business and Rory bit her lip and shook her head.

"Logan, did you know that Rory has a reunion soon?" Emily said suddenly and Rory's head snapped up. "You know she went to Chilton – well, I know you didn't know her then but I assume she told you about it?"

"A few wild tales," Logan joked and Emily laughed sickeningly.

"I'm sure she has a few. Well, it's been ten whole years since she's graduated and they're having a celebration at her school and I believe she has a spare ticket."

"No," Rory said angrily, before Logan could reply and Emily stared at her.

"Rory, what do you mean, no?"

"I mean, _no_," Rory said furiously and she stared around at all of them, tired of pretending. "Grandma, what the hell is this?"

"Rory!" Emily exclaimed, shocked, but Rory didn't apologise.

"This is a set-up, isn't it?"

"I know you have a spare ticket –"

"And you thought I'd want to go with_ Logan_?" Rory exclaimed, not backing down as her grandmother said furiously,

"How can you be so rude?"

"Oh, I'm being rude?" Rory demanded. "I'm not the one who invited my granddaughter's ex over here assuming she would want to see him and take him to her reunion! Where was my say?"

"You're certainly having your say now!"

"He is the last person I would want to go with," Rory said bitterly. "If I had a ticket I would never take him."

"_If_ you had a ticket?" echoed Emily, frowning. "You have two, Rory, remember?"

"I can do the math, Grandma!"

"So you must have a spare ticket!" Emily exclaimed. "Stop being so ridiculous!"

"I'm not being ridiculous, I can't take him, even if I had a ticket, even if I wasn't –"

Rory stopped and Emily demanded,

"Even if you weren't what? Why on earth can't you take him? Who are you bringing instead?"

Rory didn't say anything and Emily lost her temper.

"If you weren't what? I'm asking you a question, Lorelai, if you _weren't what?"_

"If I wasn't in love with someone else!" Rory shouted and Emily stared her, out of words. "I'm in love with someone else!"

There was a shocked pause and Rory took a deep breath, unable to believe what she had just said.

"What?" Logan and Richard asked and before Rory could answer them Lorelai exclaimed,

"_What_?" and before Rory could answer her Emily demanded,

"WHAT?" in the loudest voice of all.

"I'm in love with someone else," Rory said, looking at all of them. "But even if I wasn't I would never take Logan. We're over for good."

"You're in love with Jess?" Lorelai exclaimed, breaking the shocked silence and Rory nodded, shyly.

"I am, Mom."

"Who's Jess?" Emily demanded and Logan exclaimed,

"The same Jess I met, that writer loser?"

"Jess is not a loser," Rory said furiously. "Jess is better than you can ever be."

Logan set his mouth in a line and from the back Richard said in a dazed voice,

"When did Rory start seeing women?"

There was a small silence, broken by Lorelai bursting into a snort of laughter and badly hiding it. Rory ignored her and looked at her grandfather.

"Jess isn't a woman, Grandpa," she said. "He's a guy. He's someone I used to see a long time ago."

"A long time ago?" Emily asked furiously. "It can't be that long if you've in love with him, whoever he might be."

"I fucking knew it," Logan said angrily and they all looked at him. "I knew it when you saw him, I knew you were lying to me, I saw those puppydog eyes and all for some lame novel. Were you doing him in high school?"

"Hey!" Lorelai said sharply, leaning over the table. "If you ever talk to my daughter like that again I swear I will give you a beautiful black eye to go to Germany with, got it?"

Logan looked away and Rory folded her arms, not even offended.

"I wasn't lying to you," she said. "But I don't know why I couldn't see sense back then. He did. He could see what a jerk you were, how you were manipulating me, he wrote a book while all you were doing was spending money on stunts ad getting drunk, and for what? What was the point, Logan?"

Logan didn't reply and Rory leant forwards and whispered in his ear,

"As for doing him in high school...that's not really any of your business, but I didn't lose my virginity to you, did I?"

A snarl passed over Logan's face and he pushed his chair back, throwing his fork down.

"I hope you're happy with a guy who can't make you any money," he snapped, looking into Rory's eyes. "And can't look after you at all."

"I don't need him to," Rory said coolly. "I can look after myself. I'm_ deadset_ on my career, remember?"

He stared at her and Richard offered weakly,

"Perhaps we should all just sit down?"

"You can," Rory said, picking her purse up. "I'm out of here."

"Rory!"

Rory ignored her grandmother and marched out of the house, Emily following and protesting in her wake.

"Rory come back here, you do not walk out on your guests!"

"He's_ your_ guest!" Rory exclaimed. "And you do not get to invite Logan to dinner without warning me! That was disgusting!"

"I didn't want to make you nervous –"

"He's a jerk, Grandma!" Rory shouted. "Didn't you hear what he said, how he spoke to me?"

"He was angry, he didn't mean it!"

"Forget it," Rory said bitterly. "What does it matter as long as there's money attached, right?"

Emily stopped, looking stricken and she reached a hand out to her granddaughter.

"Rory –"

"Let go of me," Rory said roughly and she shook her grandmother's hand away and ran to her car. She was just getting in as Lorelai appeared, panting.

"Rory, are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay," Rory said, getting the car into gear. "But I will be once I'm out of here."

"I know that feeling," Lorelai said with a shakey laugh. "But honey, don't you think you should sit here for a bit, cool down and take a deep breath before you start driving?"

"No," Rory said, shaking her head. "I'm sorry Mom, I have to leave right now. I can't stay here another minute, I've been stupid."

"About what?" Lorelai called as her daughter started backing the car up. "Rory, about what?"

Rory ignored her and drove as fast away she could, tears of anger spilling from her eyes. She got onto the interstate and drove and drove, the journey seeming to go by in a flash with no pause at all.

Rory got into New York a little before midnight and she drove straight to Jess's building, parking the car outside. She walked up to the front door but hesitated as she put her hand over the intercom, remembering Chris. She didn't want to wake him and besides, talking through an intercom felt all kinds of wrong so Rory walked away and glanced around the building. Her eyes landed on the fire escape and Rory remembered Jess lived on that side. She took a deep breath, walked over and began to climb.

There was a crash of thunder and a sheen of water fell down instantly but Rory didn't care. She climbed and climbed, desperately blinking the water out of her eyes until finally she reached Jess's floor. She could see him through the window, sitting up in bed and writing in a notebook and he looked more beautiful to Rory than he ever had before. She watched him for a minute and then knocked on the window, calling,

"Jess! Jess!"

He looked up in disbelief and, as his eyes landed on her, he ran over and opened the window, helping her in.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded. "If I'm dreaming this is incredibly vivid."

"I love you," Rory said ignoring his question and staring into his eyes. "I love you, Jess. I love you so much it hurts."

He stared at her and Rory started to say,

"I'm sorry I didn't say it before," but he cut her off with a deep, fierce kiss, sinking down with her onto the floor.

"You love me?" he asked, stopping for breath and Rory nodded, tracing his cheek with her hand.

"I knew it before," she said, not ever wanting to look away. "But I was too scared to admit it. I didn't know I was then but I do now – I love you."

He smiled and didn't say anything and Rory asked anxiously,

"Do you still love me?"

Jess started laughing, yet it was in a gentle way, and he cupped her chin.

"Yes, I still love you," he said seriously. "And sometimes I don't think I ever stopped."

They kissed again and Rory whispered,

"I'm sorry I couldn't say it."

"Rory," Jess said, moving the wet hair off her face. "Stop saying sorry. I don't ever want to hear that word again."

Rory nodded and he kissed her, holding her body close to his and as they started to kiss more passionately Rory said in a hushed voice,

"I think I was running away before, like I always do."

"We're both guilty of running," Jess said, kissing her and looking into her eyes. "I'd say it's time for us to stop."

Rory nodded, they lay down and as they began to undress and caress each other she said over and over,

"I love you, Jess. I love you."

"We're at the right time," Jess whispered into her ear. "And I never want to let you go."


	49. Chapter 49

**Thanks for the feedback! You may have guessed that I am not overly fond of Logan and felt that Paris said it best when she told him '****You, Logan Huntzburger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled waste of a trust fund! You offer nothing to women or the world in general! If you were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, the only person that would miss you is your Porsche dealer!'** **but I will be a little kinder later on.**

Later that night Rory woke up suddenly. She didn't know what had woken her but she got out of bed to get a glass of water, looking out at the city lights which always shone so brightly. The dinner already felt like a bad dream and she put the glass down and went back to bed, sliding under the covers with Jess. He had been asleep before but woke up as she lay down beside him, frowning and blinking.

"What time is it?"

"It's late, I'm sorry I woke you," Rory said apologetically. "I tried not to."

"It's okay."

Jess sat up slightly and looked at her. Rory was lying still, her eyes wide open and he said knowingly,

"You can't sleep, can you?"

"No," Rory said honestly and she sat back up, turning to face him. "Logan was there."

"_Logan_? You mean that _guy_?" Jess exclaimed and Rory nodded, heart throbbing. "He was at that dinner?"

"I did not know," Rory said quickly and he said,

"I kind of figured that. What was he doing there?"

"He said he was on town on business, but Grandma was setting me up," Rory said angrily. "She just completely blindsided me, told me to look nice and he was just sitting in her living room with this _grin_ on his face and champagne. She wanted me to take him to my Chilton reunion."

"Jesus. What did you say?"

"No, of course," Rory said. "It was awful. Grandma was yelling at me, asking me to give her a reason so I said..."

"What did you say?"

"I said I was in love with you," Rory said shyly, her cheeks feeling hot suddenly. "I said I couldn't go because I was in love with you."

A smile crossed Jess's face and they kissed for a moment.

"What did she say?" he asked when they had stopped. "What did they all say?"

"Grandma and Grandpa don't remember who you are," Rory said. "Not your name, at least – Grandpa thought I was talking about a woman."

"Because of my feminine charm?"

"That has to be it," Rory teased but she grew serious again. "Mom was just in shock, I think, and Logan was a total jerk and asked if we were doing each other in high school."

"What did you tell him?" Jess asked quietly and Rory shrugged.

"Nothing, really. I said I didn't lose my virginity to him, he figured it out."

There was a pause and Jess let out a whistle.

"Makes my dinner there seem like a Sunday school picnic, doesn't it?"

"I would gladly relive that again over this. It was awful and Logan was being such a jerk. I don't know what he was expecting."

"Was he how you remembered?" Jess asked and Rory frowned, not saying anything for a moment.

"Yes and no," she said eventually. "I don't know if he's changed or if I see him differently now. He wasn't how I remembered."

"I guess you were different then," Jess said and Rory nodded and then shook her head.

"No, that wasn't it," she said pensively. "I don't know what it was but it was something else entirely."

He nodded and they lay down, Rory laying her head on his chest.

"Grandma called me Lorelai," she said thoughtfully. "It was the weirdest thing."

"Does she ever call you that?"

"Never," Rory said. "She acted like I was Lorelai once though, my mom – it was when I was at that function I told you about and I hadn't worn the dress you'd made fun of. I was wearing regular clothes."

"You showed up in jeans?" Jess laughed. "Man, I wish I'd seen that."

Rory laughed ruefully and shook her head.

"I wasn't that brave but it was just as bad in Grandma's books, she was so mad, and then I snapped and told her about how I was sleeping at Logan's rather than Paris's and that she was controlling me and she called Grandpa my dad. I think she actually thought I was Mom, for a second, and it was the weirdest thing. I was glad to get out."

"Do you think she thought the same thing tonight?"

"I don't know," Rory said honestly. "I mean, Lorelai is my real name, after all, even if no one calls me that. If someone said it to me I would think they'd have my name wrong for a while. Even at Chilton I was Rory, I remember them asking which name I wanted to be known by."

"Lorelai," Jess said, trying it out. "Lorelai Leigh Gilmore – it's kind of pretty, even if it doesn't sound like you."

"You remembered my middle name," Rory said, sitting up and looking at him. "When did I ever tell you my middle name?"

"I read it in one of your books."

"You mean when you were snooping through my books," Rory accused and he went red and laughed. "Which book?"

"_Franny and Zooey_ – I remember, you'd written in the front: _Property of Lorelai Leigh Gilmore, age eight, call me Rory and please give me back this book. _Very advanced third-grader. You made your i's into flowers though."

"I was eight!" Rory protested through her laughter. "It made writing more fun."

"Yes, but did it make you_ cool_?" Jess asked seriously and Rory swatted him with a pillow, laughing.

"What's your middle name?" Rory asked curiously, sitting up on one elbow. "I don't think you've ever told me and you hardly went for writing your name in the front of books."

"Let alone with flowers," Jess grinned. "It's William."

"William," Rory echoed, frowning and then a memory flashed in her mind. "Oh! After your grandfather?"

"That'd be the one," Jess said with a crooked grin. "Never met the man but I hear he was a decent guy and, honestly, I'm just grateful his name wasn't Egbert or something."

Rory giggled and then looked slightly sombre.

"It's nice that your middle name has a meaning," she said, playing with the quilt. "I don't even know where Leigh came from – Mom said she just liked it. She probably got it from an eighties girl group or something."

"I like it," Jess said, tracing her face with his hand. "You give it meaning – it's named just for you."

"Thank you," Rory said softly and they leaned over and kissed again.

"I don't know where Liz got Jesse from," Jess said, laughing slightly. "She's never told me and somehow I doubt it was the Bible."

"I can't imagine you as anything else."

"I can't imagine you as Lorelai," Jess said, staring at her. "Even if it is your true name."

"I've always been Rory," Rory said, lying into the crook of his arm and closing her eyes. "Never anything else."

"Lorelai Leigh," Jess said and he shook his head. "Not you at all," he said, looking down and then smiled. Rory was already asleep.

After Rory had stormed out there was a deathly silence to the house. Lorelai watched her daughter drive away, waiting despite knowing Rory was not coming back before finally walking slowly back to the house, waylaid by Emily who was standing between the fountain and house, unsure of way to go.

"Well, that was a fine display of behaviour!" she said angrily to Lorelai, as though it was her fault. "Your daughter has no manners whatsoever!"

"Rory has no manners?" Lorelai exclaimed, laughing in disbelief. "She's not a kid, Mom. This isn't over...I don't know, her sixteenth birthday party which was bad enough, this was setting her up. You set her up with the guy she almost married and you didn't tell her. That was cruel, Mom."

"Cruel?" Emily exclaimed. "_Cruel_?! I was trying to do something good for her! She's been alone for years now, she had no one to go with and Logan's marriage didn't work out like I knew it wouldn't –"

"Would you listen to yourself?" Lorelai said furiously. "Rory's not alone. Even if she wasn't with that guy, she's not alone, she's fine."

"She's twenty-eight and she isn't married!"

Lorelai stared at her, appalled.

"So what?" she asked, her voice shaking. "So _what_, Mom? She's gone and done something with her life, you know how well she's done and all you care about is that she isn't _married_?"

"I didn't say that!" Emily said sharply. "I never said I wasn't proud of Rory, you know how much I am, it's just a shame that it didn't work out with her and Logan, she could have had both!"

"That was for Rory to decide, not you!" Lorelai said angrily. "She doesn't think that! Does none of it matter if she isn't married? I'm not married, Mom, do I disappoint you? Actually, I know the answer to that."

"Lorelai," Emily started to say but they were cut off as the front door opened and Logan walked out, looking embarrassed.

"I'm going to go," he said, trying to sound upbeat but his smile false. "Thanks for having me over, Emily."

"Oh – you don't have to go, Logan," Emily said, tripping over her words. "Stay for drinks, we'd be happy for you to stay, wouldn't we?"

"Oh, I'd be just ecstatic," Lorelai said coldly. "We have all sorts of things to talk about."

There was an awkward pause and then Logan shook Emily's hand.

"It's been a pleasure, Emily," he said politely. "Maybe another time. I'm in town until next week. We probably should have warned Rory first."

"Yes," Emily said dimly. "Probably. Goodnight, Logan."

"Goodnight," he said to Emily, nodding to Lorelai, and then walked slowly down the drive, kicking a piece of gravel as he went. Lorelai watched until she heard the hum of his car and then turned to her mother.

"It's been a memorable evening, Mom, one of your best. I'd say this outdoes the party which you paraded Rory around to rich men like a cattle auction."

Emily looked hurt for a moment but shook it off, settling her mask back on her face.

"I seem to recall Rory having a wonderful time at that party," she said coldly. "After all, that's how she met Logan. He was perfect for that new part of her life."

"Maybe then," Lorelai said, shaking her head. "But not now. She was very young then, Mom, and she's an adult now. She doesn't love him anymore."

"He proposed to her!" Emily exclaimed. "You know how much he loved her, how much she loved him and he's ready to move on! They can start over!"

"Mom, she doesn't want to!" Lorelai shouted. "She doesn't want to! She has someone else and you heard her, she doesn't love him anymore anyway!"

"Who is this Jess?" Emily demanded after a pause. "Who is this man?"

Lorelai opened her mouth and then shut it, shaking her head.

"If you want to know that you'll have to talk to Rory," she said angrily. "It's up to her if she wants you to know. Besides, shouldn't you remember?"

"Lorelai, must you be so dramatic?" Emily snapped. "Remember what? My granddaughter's telling me she's in love with someone else, some_ Jess_, when I didn't even know she had a boyfriend! I just want to know who he is!"

"Talk to Rory," Lorelai said, going back into the house for her coat. "You can ask when you call to apologise."

"Apologise?" Emily exclaimed. "Why should I after the way she treated me tonight!"

"Mom, you can't be serious!"

"I am serious, Lorelai," Emily said coldly. "Now if you will excuse me it is late and I want to go to bed."

"Mom, it's not even nine," Lorelai protested but Emily was already sweeping up the stairs. Lorelai watched after her and then jumped as she heard her father blearily say behind her,

"_Jess_? What kind of name is that for a man?"

Lorelai turned to see him with a stiff brandy and she smiled, somehow unable to feel angry with him.

"It's short for Jesse," she told him. "Goodnight, Dad."

"Yes, yes," Richard said in a confused voice. "Goodnight, Lorelai."

Lorelai turned to go and then, before she could think about it ran upstairs to where her mother was. Emily was sitting in front of the mirror, taking her makeup off and she jumped and Lorelai shouted,

"You can't control her, Mom! You can't control her!"

Emily stared and before she could open her mouth to answer Lorelai was running downstairs and out into the night.

Rory woke the next morning to the sound of her cellphone and she sat up, rubbing her eyes. It was her mother and Rory pulled her shirt and pants on and tiptoed into the hall to take it.

"Hi Mom."

"Hey, sweets," her mother said anxiously. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory said honestly. "You don't need to worry, Mom."

"I don't need to worry? You stormed out in a way that did me proud and then drove away like you were going to mow down anyone who got in your way."

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"Don't be sorry," Lorelai said. "It's not that. I just...you scared me, Rory. Are you really okay? Are you home?"

"I'm at Jess's," Rory said awkwardly. "I'm fine, I promise."

Lorelai nodded and didn't say anything. Rory asked tentatively,

"Do they remember him now?"

"No," Lorelai said. "Grandma asked but I said she should ask you."

"I'm not calling her," Rory said angrily. "And somehow I doubt she's going to be calling me. You can tell her, Mom, I don't care. I don't care what she thinks."

Lorelai could not help feeling upset at the anger in her daughter's voice, despite feeling the same and Rory added,

"What happened when I left?"

"Your grandmother and I had a fight, huge surprise," said Lorelai with a short laugh. "Logan left almost straightaway, he said he'd be in town until Sunday."

"Well, good for him," Rory said coldly. "I wish you had given him that black eye, Mom."

Lorelai laughed.

"So do I," she said honestly. "Is it worrying that at some point I've felt like punching all of your boyfriends?"

"Maybe," Rory giggled. "They probably deserved it."

"Oh, they definitely did."

They both laughed for a moment and then Lorelai asked in concern,

"You promise me you're okay?"

"I'm mad at Grandma, but I'm fine. I'm going to head off now, Mom. I'm sorry I left the way I did, it's just..."

"You don't need to explain, Rory," Lorelai said firmly. "I understand. Call me if you want to talk, okay?"

"Okay. Love you, Mom."

"Love you too, kid."

Rory hung up and then saw that there was a text message on her phone. She opened it and then stared as Jess came out and wrapped his arms around her.

"Who was that?"

"Logan," Rory said in disbelief and Jess exclaimed,

"He called you just then?"

"No, that was Mom," Rory said hastily. "But look, he's texted me, how did –?" She stopped and then said in quiet fury, "Grandma. I'm going to kill her."

"What does he want?"

"He wants to see me," Rory said, staring at her phone. "He wants to see me again."

"To say what?"

"I have no idea," Rory said, finally looking up. "But it doesn't matter anyway, I'm not going."

Jess nodded, kissed her cheek and Rory snapped the phone shut and turned away, determined to forget all about it.

The rest of the day was quiet. Rory and Jess caught the subway across town, walked around the park and stopped at Bill's for a danish on the way home. Rory was just breaking hers into half when Jess looked at her and said,

"You're thinking about it."

"What?" Rory asked, knowing what he meant as she asked and he sighed.

"Logan's text."

"I don't want to be." Rory tore her danish into thirds.

"But you are. You're curious, aren't you?"

"I'm curious about what made him think I'd want to go with him," Rory said defensively. "I don't want to see him."

"Rory, be honest with yourself, I know you. You want to know what's going on, I know it's bothering you."

Rory paused, afraid to look up and then she finally burst out,

"Then I'll just be bothered, screw him. I don't owe him anything, if he wants to see me without any warning that's his problem, isn't it? I didn't ask him to come, I didn't ask for any of this."

"No, you didn't," Jess said gently, taking her hand across the table. "But he's here and even though I am completely with you on him being a bastard I think you should go and find out what he wants, get it over with, say what you need to say."

Rory stared at him and then she said quietly,

"I don't even know what to say."

"I didn't know what to say to my dad," Jess said. "But I found out when I went."

Rory was silent and he looked at her carefully.

"It's your life," he said eventually. "And I get why you don't want to go but I think you want to see him and I think it would help with closure, or whatever it is they call it."

"_Closure_?"

"I remember Liz throwing that word around after reading some self-help books," Jess said and they chuckled. "Seriously though, I think you should."

"Wouldn't it bother you?" Rory asked after a pause and he shrugged.

"This is your thing, not mine and besides, something tells me you won't be riding off with him into the sunset."

"You're definitely right about that," Rory said and she sighed. "And I think you're right about the other stuff. Okay, I'll find out what he wants but I'm not seeing him after this ever again."

"That's your call," Jess said and Rory nodded, getting out her phone. She sent Logan a somewhat formal message agreeing to meet and he replied asking if she would see him the next day. It was short notice, but Rory figured it would be worse if she waited anyway so she agreed to meet him in Hartford at noon. The next morning, after a sleepless night, Rory was ready to go and Jess kissed her goodbye.

"It'll be fine, Ror."

"Yeah, I know," Rory sighed and then she looked at him. "No it won't, we both know that. It's going to suck."

"It'll suck but you'll be glad you went," Jess said seriously and tucked a stray hair behind Rory's ear. "I promise."

"I know," Rory said, kissing him goodbye. "I'll be back before you know it."

"Call me if you want me to come and punch him. I'm still kind of sorry that I didn't get to do that last time."

They laughed and Rory said,

"Thanks, but if anyone gets to punch him it'll be me. Okay, I guess I should do this."

"You'll be fine," Jess said seriously, holding her face in hands for a moment. "Be brave. I love you."

"I love you too," Rory said and they kissed for longer than necessary before Rory finally broke away and got into her car.

"No riding into the sunset?" Jess teased and she rolled her eyes.

"No riding."

"Sure you don't want me to come?"

"No," Rory said heavily. "I have to do this on my own."

Jess nodded, kissed her again and then said teasingly,

"Drive safe, Lorelai Leigh!"

"Stop calling me that!" Rory laughed, starting the car up. "Just because you have a such a normal name!"

He laughed, waved her goodbye and, as Rory made her way out of Manhattan and onto the roads she felt her courage fade and gripped the wheel. She began to doubt what she was doing but she knew there was no going back and she played Jess's words over and over in her mind – _be brave. You can do this._


	50. Chapter 50

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory got into Hartford just before noon. She made her way to where she and Logan had arranged to meet and he was already sitting in the coffee shop, stirring a spoon around his cappuccino without drinking it. Rory stared at him for a moment, before he looked up, almost ready to turn away and drive back but she knew it was cowardly so she took a deep breath and walked up to his table.

"Hi."

Logan looked up, dropping the spoon which made a clink against his cup.

"Hi," he said, standing up and pulling out the chair for her. "Thanks for coming."

"What do you want?" Rory asked bluntly, not acknowledging the chair. "What do you have to say to me?"

Logan looked at her, hesitated and then said,

"Could you sit down?"

Rory glared at him but sat down, trying not to betray how nervous she felt. Logan didn't try to hide his anxiety and let out a breath of relief.

"Aren't you going to get a coffee?" he asked and Rory shook her head. "Oh, that's crazy," he said and he called the waiter.

"The finest coffee you have for this lady here," he said to him before turning and grinning at Rory, who refused to smile. "I know you need some caffeine."

"Look, let's just cut to the chase," Rory said, not wanting to admit she was grateful for the drink. "I didn't drive all the way out here for a fancy coffee. Tell me what's going on so I can go home."

"I guess I wanted to explain some things," Logan said awkwardly and Rory snapped,

"What, like how you talked with Grandma behind my back about ambushing me at dinner?"

Logan opened his mouth, closed it and as he hesitated the waiter brought the coffee over, in the largest cup Rory had ever seen, filled with a dark kind of cream.

"It's a coffee cream," Logan told her. "I don't know how you've survived without it."

Rory stared at it before shaking herself and snapping,

"Logan, forget about the drink, okay? What is it you have to make an excuse for this time?"

"I'm not trying to make an excuse," Logan said desperately. "Maybe you think it is but would you hear me out?"

Rory was ready to snap back but there was a look of pleading in his eye so she said quietly,

"Talk," and sat back in her seat.

Logan hesitated and then shook his head.

"I don't know where to start."

Rory folded her arms and stared at him and Logan sighed.

"Okay. First off, I guess, is that I didn't marry Candace as a joke."

"Did you love her?"

"Not really," Logan admitted. "I kind of fooled myself into thinking that I did for a while and I thought if we got married that would fix all the fights we had but I found out I didn't love her pretty quickly. I'd always known underneath."

"That's too bad, Logan," Rory said sarcastically. "You got married too quickly and then started sleeping around to make yourself feel better?"

Logan ignored her and said,

"I really wished you'd come."

"Why?" Rory asked. "So I'd say you shouldn't marry her or something?"

"Maybe," Logan said honestly. "Really, I wanted it to hurt you. I'm not proud of that but I wanted you to see me get married and feel hurt."

Rory didn't know what to say for a moment and just stared at him.

"You got married to get_ back_ at me?"

"I did want to be with Candace," Logan said quickly. "But I guess part of me wanted to hurt you."

"Well, this has been charming," Rory said, shaking her head and standing up. "A real pleasure Logan, and I'm glad I got to hear you _explain_."

She turned to go and Logan grabbed her hand.

"Don't go!"

"Leave me alone!" Rory snapped, shaking his hand away and marching out. She had only got outside the door when Logan was at her elbow, panting and saying,

"Don't leave, I haven't finished."

"What else is there to say?" Rory cried. "I get to hear more about how you decided to hurt me? What do you want me to say, Logan? Am I supposed to be sorry, are you saying it's my fault you got married because if I'd said yes you wouldn't have married someone else, cheated on her and had a child?"

"Don't talk about that," Logan said sharply. "That should never have happened."

"But it _has_ happened!" Rory exclaimed. "You have a kid!"

Logan didn't say anything. Rory looked at him and asked quietly,

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"What does that matter?" Logan asked with a bitter laugh and Rory said,

"I don't know, I just want to know," with a strange urge to cry.

Logan took a deep breath and leant against the wall.

"It's a boy."

Rory closed her eyes and leant against the wall as well, feeling like someone was pressing against her chest.

"A boy," she gasped. "You have a son."

"I don't have a son," Logan said angrily. "I didn't even know he existed until a few months ago."

"But he does," Rory said, opening her eyes and staring at him. "What's his name?"

"Jason," Logan said in a tight voice. "His name is Jason and he's two, are you happy?"

"You have a little boy," Rory said, suddenly unable to look at him. "Don't you want to see him?"

"No, I don't want to see him!" Logan shouted suddenly. "I didn't even know he'd been born! I gave Lisa money, tons of it, to do whatever she wanted. I said she could do whatever she wanted, have it or not have it as long as she never told anyone and never saw me again. That was more than two years ago and then suddenly she shows up on my doorstep with this kid, right with Candace there, saying he's mine and she's broke! She promised me she'd never come back! She promised never to tell me what happened, never to tell anyone she was even pregnant and then there was this kid crying in the middle of the floor and Candace was screaming and kicking me out!"

"You deserved it!" Rory said sharply. "How could you just forget about it? Didn't you ever wonder, ever think that you might have a daughter or son out there?"

"Sometimes," Logan said honestly. "But not that much. I thought she'd never come back to my life so there wasn't any point wondering."

Neither of them said anything for a moment and Rory looked at him.

"She's back in your life now," she said, refusing to let it go. "And so's he."

"Hopefully not," Logan said bluntly. "I paid her double what I did last time."

"So that's it?" Rory demanded. "Just forget Jason exists? You're his dad!"

"Rory, shut up!" Logan exploded. "Just shut up! You know nothing! You think it's so easy, don't you?"

"Acknowledging he's your kid? Yeah, I'd say that was easy!"

"It's not that easy!" Logan yelled. "You don't get it, I'm doing this_ for_ him! I'm staying out of his life for him!"

Rory stared at him, lost.

"What?" she asked, completely at a loss and Logan snapped,

"He's better off without me as a father. He's better off without any of the Huntzbergers in his life."

"But you're his dad," Rory said insistently and Logan laughed at her and shook his head.

"You remember my dad, don't you? How could you forget? He's screwed me up my entire life, messed me up my entire life, made me feel bad about every single thing, it's not good enough or it's good but it isn't_ brilliant_ and every single failure is an example of what a loser son I am. I'll be a loser as a father."

"You wouldn't have to be like that," Rory said after a pause and Logan snapped,

"I can't say I hold great hopes on my father potential and besides, forget me. My dad's still there, he's part of everything I do and he's going to ruin that kid's life. Not only was he born out of wedlock, not only to an affair, but he's half-Mexican and whilst my family will rush to deny it my dad's uncomfortable with anyone south of the border."

Rory was silent and then finally said,

"You're giving up, Logan. You don't have to be part of that. Mom didn't stay in that world when she had me, she knew it was bad and she left, it was as simple as that."

"Well, it's not as simple as that!" Logan snapped furiously. "You think I can just walk away from it all?"

"Yes, if you really wanted to!"

"I don't _really want_ to!" Logan shouted. "I don't want to lose all my money, everything I have, my house, my life for a kid I didn't know existed until practically the other day! And besides, even if I did, do you think it wouldn't come back to him? Some day it would. Mitchum Huntzberger will find a way to screw with this kid like he always does and..." Logan paused and stared at her. "My world is poisonous, Rory. I'm not going to do that to that kid. I'm not going to make him grow up feeling like a failure his entire life like I did, and it says a lot that I felt that way when I was born the _right_ way – imagine how he's going to feel? He's happy with Lisa, he's happy without me, without any of that hanging over him."

Rory was silent and Logan added,

"You think it's the same with your mom, it's not. Your family's wealthy but they're not sickeningly rich, they're not part of this dog and pony show and your grandparents are decent people. They never shunned you, did they? They never told your mom she wasn't their daughter anymore? Mine would and they'd do a ton of worse stuff besides."

He took and released a deep breath, sounding like was ready to cry and Rory looked at him.

"Maybe it isn't easy," she conceded. "But what were you expecting with me? Say your crazy dream comes true, say I end up being with you instead. I can't forget about this child. He's part of your life if you like it or not and I'm always going to remember. I won't play pretend, Logan, I can't."

Logan didn't say anything and Rory said,

"What were you expecting to happen on Friday? You thought I would see you and just jump into your arms?"

"I thought I would charm you a little first," Logan said but Rory didn't smile and he walked around to face her.

"Come on, Ace," he said softly. "We had something, didn't we? You loved me, I know you did and look, you can do whatever you want with your life, you know you can and I never meant to say you couldn't. Can't we just give it a try?"

"No, Logan," Rory said angrily. "We really can't."

"Is this because of this guy?" Logan asked. "Forget him, he's not good enough for you. Is he just going to lie on your couch all day writing while you go out and work?"

"You're not good enough for me," Rory said furiously. "And sometimes I don't think I'm good enough for him."

"You can't be serious."

"It's not all about money, Logan!" Rory exclaimed. "It's more than that, love is so much more than that. He doesn't lie around all day, he's creating and the fact that you think writing is a waste of time says something about you I really dislike."

"I don't think writing is a waste of time," Logan said. "But it has to get you somewhere."

"You mean it has to make you money," Rory said and he fell silent. "It always comes back to that with you, doesn't it?"

He looked away and Rory said quietly,

"I love him and nothing will change that."

"You loved me, didn't you?" Logan asked, refusing to let her look away. "What makes him different? When did you decide to stop loving me?"

"I didn't _decide_, it just happened."

"How?" Logan demanded. "Why? You don't just wake up one day and stop loving someone!"

"I didn't!" Rory exclaimed. "I didn't wake up one day and stop loving you, it just started to happen. I can't explain it, Logan, but I stopped loving you a long time ago. I'm older now."

"You're not that much older!" Logan snapped. "And you went out with that guy when you were a kid, when you were in high school! What, is it because he's the first guy you had sex with or something? Does he seem more _special _that way?"

"Please, Logan," Rory snapped and Logan ignored her and insisted,

"What makes him so different?"

"I feel like myself around him," Rory said, after a pause and Logan yelled,

"What the hell does that mean, Rory? He makes you feel seventeen again, is that it?"

"No, that's not it!"

"So what is it? What can he give you that I can't?"

"It's not about what he can give me," Rory said and Logan stared at her, looking utterly at a loss.

"Why do you love him?" he asked eventually. "Why do you still love him and not me?"

"You wouldn't understand, Logan."

"Try me," Logan challenged. "Because I can't see a thing."

Rory looked at him and started thinking of Jess and a smile playing across her lips.

"It's the way he looks at me," she said in a sudden, dreamy voice. "It's the way he makes me think, the things he asks me, how he never lets me settle for less. It's the way he thinks of me reading, writes notes in the margins, how he makes me want to keep driving and wants to get icecream in cones."

Logan stared at her and echoed,

"Icecream in cones? You're right, I don't get it."

"It's a story I never told you," Rory said. "And it's probably the greatest and the smallest part of all."

Logan just stared and shook his head and Rory sighed.

"He makes me see things another way," she said, ignoring Logan's frown. "He's always asking what I think, why I see things the way I do and he cares, he wants to know and he'll never agree for the sake of it or let me do so either. Logan, I think if I hadn't seen Jess that time I might never have gone back to Yale."

"Not this, Rory!" Logan shouted suddenly. "Not this stupid Yale thing again!"

"Oh, it's stupid?" Rory flared up. "The fact that I nearly quit my school, compromised my whole future is stupid?"

"I didn't say that was stupid, it's the fact that you can't let it go!"

"It mattered, Logan! Jess saw that! He could see how dumb I was being and he was the only one besides Mom who bothered to tell me! Everyone else was just mollycoddling me, letting me just settle for the DAR and Jess was the one who asked me what was going on with me, why I was giving up which is more than I can say for you."

"Here we go again!" Logan snapped. "It's all my fault that you quit Yale, isn't it? It was your choice, your decision and I supported you and now I'm the bad guy? I'm the bad guy because I wanted you to be happy?"

"But I wasn't happy!" Rory exclaimed furiously. "You knew I wasn't! I know it was my own decision to quit and no one else's but you never asked me why other than when I said I was leaving, you never asked me to think about what I was doing and what I was losing or told me to go back. Sometimes...sometimes it felt like you liked it."

"What? That's crazy, Rory, that's insane."

"Is it really so crazy?" Rory asked coldly. "You'd come to see me after Yale and you'd ask how my day was, and I'd tell you all about the DAR and helping set up a function and you'd say how great it was that I lived with my grandparents now, how I was getting all this free time and then we'd just go and party, every night. We never talked about it, did we? You'd come home and forget about study and we'd just go and drink or something."

"You liked being in the DAR. It was something new for you and it was good for you."

"_Good _for me? How was it good for me?"

"You had fun and you met new people and –"

"I had_ fun_? That was what was good for me? Wasting time arranging tea parties and luncheons and wearing frilly dresses?"

"Life's more than study, Rory, you know that."

"Yes, I know that," Rory snapped. "But I wasn't doing anything worthwhile – I wasn't doing anything at all. I wasn't thinking, I was falling behind and I was turning into a miniature version of my grandmother."

"Rory, come on."

"No, you come on," Rory retorted. "Don't patronise me. You asked what Jess can give me – that's what he gave me. He stopped me from becoming that, he stopped me from losing my mind. He woke me up."

"Woke you up from what?"

"Woke me up from that _funk_!" Rory shouted. "From that awful time in my life where I gave up on everything, let everything go and stayed with you even when you cheated on me!"

"_Cheated_ on you? I thought we'd split up!"

"Oh, that's an excuse," Rory said furiously. "I should have ended it then. It had finished then, I think. I went to see him, you know. After you did that to me I went to see him in Philadelphia and I kissed him."

"You what?" Logan yelled. "You lied to me!"

"I didn't lie to you! I wanted to do more than that but I still loved you, then, and I didn't want to hurt you!"

"So you're telling me to hurt me now?"

"Not to hurt you," Rory said. "To be honest with you. I should have been honest then. I should have been brave then. I was starting to lose you."

"Starting to_ lose_ me?"

"I don't think I loved you the same way then," Rory said honestly. "I did love you but not as much as I did and I wanted to kiss Jess and I think, if I'd really loved you like I had, I wouldn't have."

"So why'd you come back?"

"Because I did love you," Rory sad, looking at him. "Because I was scared and because I was still running."

"Running from what?" Logan asked, genuinely confused and Rory said simply,

"Life."

Logan stared at her and Rory added, in a more gentle tone,

"I think you're running as well."

"Look who's being patronising now!" Logan snapped. "You think all my problems will be fixed if I quit my life and see my son?"

"No, I don't, but I think you should face them."

"I am facing them, it's just not in a way you like."

Rory paused and shook her head.

"If you think," she said finally. "That me being with you again and us forgetting about it is a solution then you're running. Your marriage just ended, Logan. Your marriage has ended and you found out you have a child and your instinct is to come to me rather than work it out."

"Yeah, because I still love you," Logan said truthfully. "I never stopped loving you and my marriage was a sham."

Rory looked at him sadly and suddenly could only feel pity.

"I don't love you, Logan," she said honestly. "I can't be with you again."

"Can't you try?" he asked, taking her hands. "I know that if you tried –"

"Logan, stop."

"We were good together, Rory," Logan begged. "We had fun, didn't we? We loved each other."

"I loved you," Rory agreed. "But I wasn't happy."

"Yes, you were!" Logan contradicted angrily, making her look at him. "I know you were, Rory! We had fun, doing those stunts and going to those parties and just _being_ together!"

"I was happy some of the time," Rory said cautiously. "And I did have fun but not all the time. I was so unhappy when I dropped out of Yale and you couldn't see it. I was in a bad place."

"You never told me."

"I shouldn't have had to."

"You didn't seem unhappy," Logan said angrily. "You talk about those parties and luncheons like it was such a terrible thing but you slotted in pretty well there, you saved some of those events, you loved it. Everyone adored you."

"Maybe," Rory said. "But I think I was becoming someone I didn't like."

"Like who?" Logan shouted. "Like _me_? Like someone with money?"

"Not just that, Logan! Like someone who just sits around and wastes money, like someone who doesn't do anything with their mind, someone who can't step outside their bubble! I wasn't _reading_, Logan! I'd stopped thinking about books!"

She stared at him desperately but Logan simply stared back, not understanding what she was meant.

"So what?" he asked, honestly confused and Rory shook her hands away from his and turned away.

"That guy reads literature, so what?" he demanded, walking around to face her again. "I can give you more."

"I need more than a Birken bag, Logan," Rory said sadly. "I need more than that."

"So I'll give you more than that!" Logan exclaimed. "I'll give you three times whatever that guy can!"

"Forget about Jess!" Rory shouted. "This isn't about Jess, Logan, this is about me! I don't love you anymore and I'd stopped loving you years ago. It was over between us long before he came back into my life and no amount of money or promises or presents is going to change that! I'm not your _doll_ anymore!"

He stared at her, looking like he'd been slapped. Rory took a deep breath, trying not to back down and look away and Logan said pleadingly,

"But Rory –"

"Here's what's going to happen," Rory said in a sudden, fierce voice. "You're going to delete my number from your phone and you're not going to contact me again. You're not going to call me, text me, email me or get in touch with me at all and you are never, ever going to collude with my grandparents and secretly arrange to meet me ever again, are we clear? If you ever do that again I will do a lot more than just storm out."

"Rory –"

"Delete my number," Rory said in a dangerous voice and, cowed, Logan took his phone out and removed it, showing her the proof.

"You know I could easily get it again," he couldn't help saying.

"You could, but you won't," Rory said simply and he nodded.

"I just wanted to try, Rory," Logan said suddenly, a sound of wistfulness in his voice. "Can you blame me for trying?"

"No, I don't blame you," Rory said, looking at him sadly. "But I blame the way you went about it. You should have told me you'd be there."

"You used to like a surprise," Logan said defensively and Rory shrugged.

For a few moments neither said anything. Rory stared up at the sky, where clouds looked suddenly heavy, pregnant with rain and felt that the air seemed cooler on her cheek. She suddenly felt that she was a thousand miles away, looking down on herself and was only broken from her reverie when Logan said curiously,

"You seem different."

"So do you," Rory said. "Maybe we both are or maybe we don't know each other now. It wouldn't work, Logan, if I left with you."

He looked at her, a tear in his eye and said in a broken voice,

"What am I supposed to do now?"

"I don't know what you're supposed to do now," Rory said quietly. "That's for you to figure out but it's not being with me."

He didn't say anything and Rory said sadly,

"We're not alright, are we?"

"No, we're not," Logan said frankly. "I don't think this is fair."

"I can't fix that, Logan," Rory said, after a pause. "I'm sorry, but I can't."

"I know you can't," Logan said, closing his eyes. "Rory, you say it wasn't about him but I knew when he came, that time. I could tell from the way you looked at each other that you wanted him and not me and hell, you went and made out with him a second later. It was him from the start."

Rory paused for a moment and then said,

"No, it wasn't that, Logan. He made me look at myself. He made me think about what was happening to me, about what was going on with _me_. It wasn't him."

"I don't believe you," Logan said bluntly and Rory said helplessly,

"I can't tell you anything else. We aren't right for each other, Logan. If we were we'd never had cheated on each other and you know it shouldn't matter if we'd broken up or not. You know that if we'd really been right for each other we would never have wanted to."

He shook his head and said,

"I loved you."

"I know you did," Rory said gently. "But it doesn't change things."

Logan nodded and finally looked up at her.

"Thanks for coming, Ace."

"That's alright," Rory said, not feeling anger at the use of her old nickname. "I'm kind of thankful too, in a way."

"How?"

"I think it helped me, somehow," Rory said honestly and he laughed sadly.

"At least it helped one of us. I'm going to get out of here. Don't worry, you won't hear from me again."

"Where are you going?" Rory couldn't help asking and he groaned.

"To my luxury apartment which feels worse than if it were filled with roaches. I should be moving out soon, after I get back from Germany."

Rory nodded and he half-lifted his hand, as though to touch her cheek but then dropped it.

"See you, Ace."

He started to walk away, his head down and Rory suddenly shouted,

"Logan!"

He stopped to turn and Rory ran up to see him.

"Your dad doesn't have to control what you do," she said, making her look at him. "I know he doesn't, you're better than that. You don't have to give up."

"I wish I could believe it," Logan said miserably. "I wish I was stronger. Goodbye, Rory."

"Goodbye, Logan," Rory said sadly, watching him leave. "Goodbye."

The rain began to fall and as Rory got into her car and started to drive she wished she'd remembered to tell him they had had something special a long time ago.


	51. Chapter 51

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory got back to New York in the late afternoon, her heart heavy and aching in her chest. She drove straight to Jess's apartment and, as soon as he saw her approach, he ran down the stairs and kissed her before she had even pressed the intercom.

"Hey," he said gently, putting his hands on her shoulders and seeing the sadness on her face. "How was it?"

"It sucked," Rory said miserably, holding her arms tightly around him. "It sucked to epic proportions."

He looked at her carefully.

"Are you glad you went?"

"I think so," Rory said pensively. "But I'm miserable all the same."

Jess took her hand, opened the door and led her upstairs. Rory sank down on his couch and gratefully took the cup of coffee he gave her and, while the china was chipped and the coffee was plain it still looked and tasted fifty times better than the special one Logan had ordered and she closed her eyes and sipped it, feeling it revive her.

"So...how is the blonde dick at Yale?" Jess asked, once Rory had opened her eyes again. She sighed.

"Unhappy with his life."

"Something he couldn't buy his way out of?" Jess guessed and Rory nodded.

"I think he thinks that's the solution to everything – if there's a problem, throw money at it. All this crap has happened and he can't figure out why it isn't working, he can't handle it."

"What kind of crap?" Jess asked and Rory grimaced.

"He has a kid. He has a son with someone who used to be his mistress and he tried to pay her off. She took the money and left before anyone knew she was pregnant and then she showed up a few months ago with the kid and his wife threw him out. He won't acknowledge his son at all – he's just paid the woman double again so she won't come back and he's trying to act like it's never happened."

Jess stared at her and shook his head.

"And what did he expect to happen with you?" he asked eventually. "You'd play happy families?"

"Oh, he'd never be in the picture," Rory said angrily. "It would just be us producing perfect white children for his dad to approve of while we act like his first son doesn't exist because he wasn't born the _right_ way or the _right_ colour. It's disgusting."

Jess was silent for a moment and then said,

"My opinion of this guy has dropped about ten times and I didn't think that was even possible."

"It's his dad messing him up," Rory said, looking at her cup. "He's screwed him up his whole life."

"That's not an excuse, Rory! He's hardly a kid, he _has_ a kid and if his dad can't handle it because he's racist or whatever then he should say he's better off!"

"I know," Rory said quickly. "But he wants the kid to be happy and he doesn't think he will be if he grows up around him. His dad's a jerk, he's made him feel like a failure his whole life and that was with his own son – what's he going to do to a kid who he'll seen as a stain on the family? He doesn't want him to feel like a failure."

"Then he should tell his dad to screw himself!" Jess shouted. "He should take the kid and tell his family to deal. I've told my dad off, you've told yours off, it's not impossible."

"I don't think it's that easy –"

"It is that easy, Rory!" Jess snapped. "Why are you defending him? The guy's a jerk. He's had a kid and he doesn't even care because he wants to keep his reputation and stop his daddy getting angry!"

Rory bit her lip and looked at her cup and Jess sighed.

"I'm not mad at you, it's just..."

"I know," Rory said quietly. "I know he doesn't have an excuse but I think, in his own, messed up way, he thinks he's doing the kid a favour. I think he really believes his son is better off without him and, even if he's not going about it the right way, I don't blame him for keeping his dad out of his son's life at all cost."

Jess nodded and then said,

"Maybe it's best then, if it keeps the kid safe from that bunch of jerks."

Rory shook her head and burst out miserably,

"I hate how he lets his dad control him. I hate that he can never stand up for himself, tell his family off and live his life without worrying about what they'll think!"

"Rory –"

"And I hate that I care," she finished angrily. "I don't even like him now, let alone love him and I still feel sorry for him."

"That's not a bad thing, Rory," Jess said quietly and she nodded, feeling tears film up her eyes.

"I think part of him wants to know him," she said, clutching her cup. "But he's never going to own up to it. He said his world is poisonous and I think it hurt him."

"Rory," Jess said seriously. "You can't fix his life."

"I know I can't."

"It's his own problem," Jess said. "His own issues, and you can't change them. You can't change him."

"I know, it's just –"

"There's only so much you can say to someone," Jess said, looking at her. "And only so much you can help them with. Logan's screwed up, colour me shocked – it's up to him to fix it and you can't jump in and solve it for him."

Rory looked at him.

"Wow. When did you get a degree in psychology?"

"No degree," Jess said, laughing. "Just a series of introspective novels."

Rory smiled but he said seriously,

"I mean it though, Rory, don't torture yourself over his. It's his life and he has to want to change it. You can't do that for him."

"I know I can't," Rory said again. "And I know things are going to be messed up for him now, no matter what, I just wish he would tell his father to...to..."

"Screw himself?" Jess finished for her and she nodded.

"Honestly, I don't hold out a lot of hope. If he thought the way to deal was to marry you and have kids his dad would approve of, then –"

"He wouldn't have approved that much," Rory interrupted. "He hated me a lot."

"Well, maybe there's hope for him yet," Jess teased. "If he can marry someone his dad hates."

Rory laughed a little but soon fell sombre again and Jess cupped her cheek.

"What is it?"

"I think he's a jerk," she said unhappily. "A manipulative, snobby jerk but I can't help feeling sorry for him. I wouldn't wish an unhappy life on anyone, even Francie."

"Who the hell's Francie?"

"This girl who probably got her red hair from Satan and tried to wreck my friendship with Paris, and it almost worked."

Jess looked at her and started laughing. Rory was mad for a moment and then started laughing too, in spite of herself.

"It was a big deal at the time," she said, giggling guiltily. "It was such a mess. God, I hated that girl, I haven't thought about her in years."

"The terrifying world of cat-fighting," Jess said, half-teasing and half-serious. "And I thought New York could be scary."

"Shut up," Rory laughed, kicking his foot. He kicked her back, she lightly punched him and he grabbed her arms and pulled her onto him, kissing her for a few minutes before breaking away and grinning. Rory grinned back but there was still a look of sadness in her eyes and Jess said,

"Are you sorry you went?"

"No," Rory said honestly. "I think I got some of that closure you were talking about but he didn't. I tried to explain why we ended and why I love you but he just stared at me like I was crazy. He doesn't understand, he can't understand anything which doesn't involve money and he was so sure I could love him back, even when I told him I'd kissed you when we were together. He still couldn't get it."

"And why do you love me?" Jess asked, a lightness to his voice but a serious look in his eye and Rory looked at him, wondering why her chest suddenly felt so tight.

"You know why I love you."

"I think I can guess but I'd like to hear. What's Rory Gilmore's list of why she loves a writer bum like me?"

"First off, you're not a bum," Rory said fiercely, ignoring his laugh. "And you know that. I love you because...because..."

Jess stared at her, not laughing now and Rory gulped.

"I love you because you aren't afraid to challenge me," she said haltingly. "Sometimes it's like everyone around me thinks I could get broken or something if they disagree with me or if I make a mistake but you're not. You're not afraid to ask why I do the things I do, why I feel the way I do and if you think I've screwed up you're not afraid to say it."

"I've noticed the feeling's mutual," Jess grinned. "And you're a lot of things but you aren't some china doll."

"I love you because of what you read," Rory ploughed on, ignoring him. "I love you because of _how _you read – you'll give everything a shot, you won't just pretend to love something because it's a classic but you won't automatically dislike it because it is. I love the way you write notes in the margins, want to hear what I think and will happily argue with me about why I read something differently and won't just pretend to agree to pacify me."

"Again, the feeling is mutual," Jess said but Rory carried on, somehow afraid to stop.

"I love you because you make me feel stronger," she said boldly. "You make me feel like I can be more, someone better. You'll never let me be weak about something, never let me take the easy way out."

Jess looked at her and said,

"I'd say it was mutual but I don't think that would begin to cover it."

Rory smiled but didn't stop.

"I love you because you want to get icecream in cones," she said, laughing and crying at the same time. "I love you because you make me want to drive right instead of straight on, push the curfew, jump a bus to Manhattan and skip school in my uniform, play hooky from work. I love you because you laughed at Stars Hollow. I love you because you make me remember that I shouldn't take everything so seriously but when it matters, you'll let me know. You were the one who got me off the ground, woke me up, told me to stop wasting my brain and being a coward and Jess, I love you because I think you saved my life."

They stared at each other and then began to kiss deeply, holding each other, running their hands over the other's hair and body and, when they broke away, Jess said in sudden confusion,

"Icecream in cones?"

"Oh, why does that confuse everyone?" Rory demanded, giggling and wiping tears out of her eyes. "Don't you remember?"

"Of course I remember," Jess said, holding her close to him. "Sometimes I think that's the night where I started to love you."

"How come?" Rory asked, her heart thumping. "Why do you love me?"

Jess hesitated but she wouldn't let him look away.

"It's my turn now – why do you love me?"

"I love you because you're not like other girls, other women," Jess said. "And I know that as I say it that sounds like the biggest cliché in the world but I'm not just saying that."

"As if you ever just say anything," Rory said, heart thumping and he carried on.

"I love you because you take a book wherever you go," he said. "And you'd rather reread Tolstoy than go to the biggest party of the year. I love you because you like Ayn Rand, even though she's a political nut and because you don't like Hemingway, even though I think you need to open your mind."

"Pot, kettle," Rory teased but he didn't smile or slow down.

"I love you because you didn't get mad when I stole your book," he said, grinning suddenly. "I loved how you just teased me instead and read the notes I made. I love how you'll come here and surprise me, won't always use the intercom-"

"Are you implying that I'm creepy?"

"Not creepy, just cute, Cathy."

"_Cathy_?"

"Figure it out," Jess said simply and she frowned, confused but Jess carried on.

"I love you because of the cute, angry face you get when I tease you," Jess said. "I love you because how much you love your mom, insane though it is. I love you because of how you stuck up for me, told me I could do more and I love you because you're not the goody-goody everyone would have you believe."

"What does that mean?"

"It means," Jess grinned. "That on the night of icecream in cones, you said to turn right. I was just the innocent driver –"

Rory scoffed.

"Oh, _innocent_?"

"Well, maybe not totally, but I'd have gone straight back. I gave you the option and what does Miss Rory Gilmore do? She looks at me, grins with a flash in her eyes and tells me to turn right and I knew in that second you had a bad side, a dangerous side and you liked it, Gilmore, you loved it and I did too. I loved it and I started to love you."

"You made me want to do it," Rory said weakly and he shook his head.

"You wanted to anyway, I knew you did. You wanted to keep driving, keep the fun going, make out with me for hours without our parents knowing and you got a bus to see me and skipped school. It was incredible and I love you for that too. I loved that you just showed up, that you didn't care and when I asked it you just said simply _because you didn't say goodbye. _I love that you cared, that you missed me, that you made me want to come back."

Rory ducked her head and said,

"I kind of screwed it up after that."

"Yeah, you did," Jess said frankly. "And I was pretty pissed, but I still loved you. I loved that you didn't really let me go, that you cared about where I was and what I was doing, or _who_ I was doing –"

"Lovely."

"And you never stopped thinking about me," Jess finished. "I love you because you didn't stay away from me like everyone said you should, because you saw more in my future than a job at Walmart, that you weren't afraid to tell me off, that you really thought I could do more."

"And you can."

"I love that you see the good in everyone and try to help them, even if they don't deserve it," Jess said. "I love that you held my hand when I went to see my father and I love that you didn't say that you loved me when you weren't sure, even though it hurt. I love that you always try to do your best and, when it had all got fucked up and you'd slipped into being some weird, preppy pseudo daughter of your grandparents, joined the DAR and were seeing that jerk you managed to get up, brush yourself off and come back. I love you for that more than anything."

"I don't love myself for that," Rory said honestly. "And I don't think I could have got up without you."

"It's like I said Rory, you had to want to do it," Jess said fervently. "And you did, you went back to school, moved out and made up with your mom and got it together."

"I still stayed with Logan though," Rory said unhappily. "And I was a jerk to you."

"Maybe a little, but I love you for all your mistakes," Jess said seriously. "I love you for all your faults."

It was the strangest thing anyone had said to her but the also the most wonderful and for a moment Rory thought she was going to start crying again.

"I love you for yours too," she whispered and Jess took her face in his hands.

"I love you for you are," he said gently. "The good and the bad."

"I love you," Rory said, staring into his eyes and he leant towards her and set his lips on hers. The kissed passionately for a while and, as they broke for breath, Jess added,

"Oh, and I love how good you are in bed."

"You're such a guy!" Rory laughed, swatting him. "How utterly romantic!"

"Don't you love how good I am in bed?"

"You're very confident," Rory teased, but she smiled. "Yes, I do."

"You're just as much a guy as I am, whatever that means. It's bullshit when people make out that women aren't as into sex. We have good sex, don't we?"

"Yeah, we do," Rory grinned. "We definitely do."

"Except that first time, maybe."

"Everyone has a bad first time."

"Ain't that the truth?" Jess joked and they both spluttered into laughter and soon were unable to stop and, even though it wasn't all that funny Rory had to hold her ribs from laughing so much.

"_Wuthering Heights_!" she exclaimed suddenly and Jess looked at her. "That's what you meant, _Wuthering Heights_!"

"A plus," Jess grinned and Rory giggled.

"Because I climbed the fire escape?"

"Because you were knocking at my window, begging to come in. You scared the shit out of me."

"I hope I was more welcome than a heartbroken ghost," Rory teased and he kissed her again.

"Much. Cathy and Heathcliffe always creeped me out."

"I didn't like them a lot either," Rory admitted. "But they were different to most couples, I guess."

"Talk about different," Jess said, smiling. "Cathy and Dodger, huh? There's a pair."

"It's a classic waiting to be written," Rory giggled but as he looked at her, serious, they started to kiss again. Jess was just pulling her onto him when Rory asked suddenly,

"Jess, what did you mean when you said we're at the right time, that other night?"

"We weren't ready for each other before," Jess said, stroking her hair. "We hadn't caught up to each other."

"We have now," Rory said, knowing it as she said it and Jess smiled and said,

"It's about time, don't you think?"

He kissed her again and again and Rory whispered,

"You really did save my life, you know."

"No, Rory," Jess said, holding her close to him. "You saved yourself."

"But –" Rory started to say but then he was kissing her and, as she melted into him Rory's last thought was that perhaps, in a way, they had saved each other during moments of darkness and periods of despair.


	52. Chapter 52

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Over the following fortnight Rory and Emily did not talk once and, while Lorelai felt furious on her daughter's behalf she could not help feeling a little sad and, one Wednesday after a meeting in Hartford she found herself driving to her parents' house, always so able to quell her despite spending her entire childhood within its walls.

Richard was working and a maid showed Lorelai to the patio, where Emily was bent over the flowerbeds and wearing the straw hat and gloves she always did gardening in.

"Hey, Mom."

Lorelai tried to make her voice pleasant but Emily still jumped and said sharply,

"Lorelai, what are you doing here?"

"I had a meeting in Hartford today," Lorelai said, pulling up a rustic chair. "I thought I would stop by and see you on the way back."

"Because you so frequently _stop by_," Emily said in a voice which made Lorelai wince. "What is it you want, Lorelai?"

"Well, Mom, it's been a few weeks since that dinner with Logan and –"

"I'm not calling Rory," Emily said bluntly, cutting her daughter off mid-sentence. "If she wants to talk she can call me."

"I don't know if she wants to talk."

"That's just fine then," Emily said briskly. "I don't especially want to talk to her either."

She sounded firm but Lorelai thought she caught a glimpse of sadness in her mother's face and, as she realised her daughter was staring Emily quickly ducked back down and stared at the plants.

"Mom. Leave the garden for a second."

"You dropped by unannounced," Emily said defensively but she sighed, took her gloves off and sat opposite Lorelai at the table, barking an instruction at the maid to bring them iced tea in a pitcher.

"Mom, this is crazy," Lorelai said, once the drink had been carried out and poured into two glasses for them. "You love Rory."

"I'm not always so fond of my granddaughter," Emily snapped. "She's not always an angel, you know."

"Yes, I do know, but –"

"I'm not very fond of her when she storms out on dinners," Emily said angrily. "And when she humiliates me in front of guests, won't wear the right clothes and treats me like a traitor after I let her live with me with no questions asked for practically half a year!"

"Mom!" Lorelai exclaimed. "Is this really about the other night?"

"She can be so spoiled," Emily said furiously. "And I just can't imagine where she got it from!"

"Wow, thanks," Lorelai said, astonished and hurt. "And it's all my fault again in some crazy twist of Emily logic. I don't know how you get there but I should know by now that it's my fault every time."

"Oh, do be quiet," Emily snapped but she sounded sad and Lorelai looked at her.

"Mom, are you really mad about the other night or the other stuff?"

"The other night, of course," Emily said quickly. "Though the rest isn't wonderful either."

"Okay," Lorelai said slowly, trying to get some kind of sense out of her mother. "Look, Mom, Rory isn't always perfect, I'll agree with you on that but you aren't seriously angry with her about the other night, are you? You can't be really mad at her for being hurt and upset for you arranging her to have dinner with a guy she not only went out with but almost_ married_ without giving her any kind of heads up?"

Emily looked at her drink but didn't pick it up or say anything and Lorelai continued,

"Imagine how that felt, Mom. Imagine if your mother had set up a dinner with one of your ex-boyfriends and didn't tell you."

"I had no ex-boyfriends!" Emily suddenly said sharply, her head snapping up. "Your father was the only man I ever really cared about!"

"Okay, well, imagine Dad being set up on a dinner by Gran to go see Pennilyn Lott?"

That was a mistake. Emily's face went red and her nostrils went white as she said furiously,

"Don't you dare mention that harlot's name."

"Mom, it was a hypothetical –"

"It's just the kind of thing your grandmother would do," Emily seethed, gripping her glass. "She was like a snake, that woman, ready to pour venom in every part of our marriage and if she weren't already dead I'd –"

"Mother!" Lorelai exclaimed, shocked. "I was trying to make a point to you and now I'm concerned about you! I'm also concerned that from how tightly you're holding that glass there's going to be a fun game of Who has the Biggest Shard of Glass in their Face?"

"You should have known better than to mention Pennilyn Lott," Emily retorted but she looked slightly ashamed of herself and relaxed her grip on the glass. She folded her hands on the table and Lorelai added, more gently,

"You can't really blame Rory for being angry, can you?"

"Perhaps I was a little too hasty," Emily said, staring at the table. "I was just so excited when Logan said he was in town and I invited him to dinner and I suppose I got a little carried away."

"A_ little_?"

"I didn't know how Rory would react," Emily admitted. "But I imagined her being happy, and I knew he was, and...and...well, it will sound crazy but I wanted her to be pleased so much that I expected it and thought it would be the perfect surprise."

Lorelai wanted to still be angry with her but the look of shame on her mother's face, as though she were a little girl and Lorelai was her disapproving mother made Lorelai sigh and feel a little sorry for her.

"I know what it is to get carried away with wishful thinking," she said and Emily looked up. "I really do, but you can't be mad at Rory for not reacting how you wanted."

"She was incredibly rude," Emily said, the embarrassed tone from before gone. "She did not have to act in such a way, storming out like a two-year-old – again, I wonder where she got that from?"

"I don't blame her," Lorelai said angrily. "And you don't either, really, I know you don't, you're just embarrassed and your pride is hurt."

Emily folded her arms but did not contradict her and Lorelai sighed in frustration.

"You can swallow your pride, Mom. Be the bigger person and call her."

Emily seemed to consider this and then burst out,

"How was I supposed to know she had a boyfriend?"

"Mom –"

"Well, she never tells me anything now, anything personal!" Emily said angrily. "How was I supposed to know she was with someone else, let alone in _love_?"

"Mom, it's not about that, really. She let Logan go a long time ago."

"Who is he?" Emily ploughed on, ignoring her daughter. "I'm supposed to remember him? Who is he, who's this Jess – ridiculous name, might I add. When did I ever meet his man?"

"Mom –"

"I want an explanation, Lorelai, and I want it now," Emily said firmly and she sat up straight in her chair, any shame from before gone.

Lorelai hesitated, holding her drink, remembering Rory's angry words – _you can tell Grandma, I don't care _– and hoped that her daughter hadn't said them only in the heat of the moment.

"Lorelai!" Emily snapped. "I'm waiting!"

"He was her boyfriend," Lorelai said eventually, still looking at her glass. "Back when she was at Chilton."

"What boyfriend at Chilton?" Emily asked, bemused. "The only boyfriend I remember was Dean."

"Do you remember why they split up?" Lorelai asked, looking up to see her mother looking very confused.

"Not really," Emily said helplessly. "Just that Rory had grown out of him, it seemed."

"Yes, I suppose it was that, but it also was because of someone else. Rory liked someone else. Mom, you must remember."

Emily stared at her, lost and Lorelai exclaimed,

"Come on, Mom! You remember every way I have disappointed you since I was two and what I was wearing when doing it and you can't remember this?"

"Obviously I can't and your delightful martyr act isn't helping!"

"When she was eighteen," Lorelai said. "Black hair, into books, he came over for dinner once and it wasn't exactly a Waltons episode?"

Emily stared at her and then her face went slightly pale.

"You can't mean that boy?" she exclaimed. "That awful boy who turned up half an hour late with a black eye?"

"That'd be the one and from what I hear he's improved his punctuality skills."

"You can't be serious!" Emily said, staring at her daughter. "You can't seriously be telling me Rory is seeing that spoiled_ child_ who thought he was above_ cellphones_?"

"That was a very long time ago, Mom."

"But how did this happen?" Emily demanded. "How could you let this happen, Lorelai?"

Lorelai let out a bark of laughter.

"Gosh Mother, I don't know. Maybe something to do with the fact that Rory is an adult and lives in a whole other state?"

"You are just hilarious, Lorelai," Emily snapped. "Drink your iced tea and be quiet."

Lorelai meekly did so and Emily sat back in her chair, looking weary.

"This is just terrible."

"I can't say I was wild about him either," Lorelai admitted. "But I've had him over for dinner and really, he isn't such an awful guy. I can't say I don't get the odd urge to punch him now and then, but –"

"Lorelai, you had this boy around for dinner?" Emily exclaimed, opening her eyes and Lorelai closed hers. "Open your eyes when I'm talking to you! How long has this been going on and why didn't you say anything?"

Lorelai shifted uncomfortably.

"I guess around two months," she said, deciding not to try to explain her daughter's time with Jess which was somewhat more than friendship yet not quite official. "And she didn't want to tell you."

"Two _months_? And why not, why didn't she want to tell me?"

"I can't think," Lorelai said sarcastically but Emily didn't notice and shook her head.

"Two months," she said in a dazed voice and then looked up. "Do you think they're having sex?"

"Um, Mom, you thought Rory was still a virgin when she was living in your poolhouse so I would take what you're thinking and reverse it."

"Must you always be so crude?" Emily snapped. "And there's no need to act like I was naïve, she didn't have a boyfriend at all during her first year at Yale and besides, in my day you waited until you were married. What? What are you looking at me like that for?"

"Mom, I hate to be the one to break this to you – believe me when I say I'm not being sarcastic – but Rory wasn't a virgin when she met Logan."

Emily stared at her in shock.

"Who then?" she demanded. "That Dean boy?"

"No, not him," Lorelai said and then let out an awkward laugh. "It's kind of funny, actually..."

Emily looked at her curiously and then her eyes widened.

"You don't mean with him!" she exclaimed. "That...that ghastly_ thug_! Lorelai, what kind of mother are you, letting your daughter have sex with that layabout?"

"Gee Mom, I don't know, what kind of mother were you to let me get pregnant?" Lorelai snapped and Emily fell silent. "Look," she said, in a more gentle tone. "I didn't want it to happen but making Rory feel like she had to hide it from me or ban her from seeing him wouldn't have stopped anything, it would have made it worse. I told her to have sex when she was ready, I told her to be careful and look, she didn't get pregnant, did she? She was smart and she was careful."

Emily was silent for a moment and then looked up.

"What if she does now?" she asked desperately. "What if she gets pregnant now?"

"Oh, come on Mom."

"She's having sex, Lorelai! I assume you know the facts of life, even though apparently you didn't when you were sixteen!"

"No Mom, I knew the facts of life, I was just unprepared! Rory's been having sex for a while now, which I know neither of us want to think about but she has and she's never got pregnant, she knows how to protect herself."

"It only takes one time!" Emily exclaimed. "What if she gets pregnant to him?"

"She wouldn't have to stay pregnant."

"Lorelai Gilmore!"

"Well, she wouldn't!" Lorelai said and her mother looked away. "Mom, even if she did get pregnant, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Rory's twenty-eight, she's hardly sixteen. You'd had me by then."

"This is all wrong!" Emily said tearfully. "She should have married Logan, he'd have taken care of her, they could have had two beautiful children by now!"

"It's not what she wanted," Lorelai said gently, taking her mother's hand. "She wouldn't have been happy, Mom – you know she wouldn't. You want her to be happy, don't you?"

Emily looked at her and then she shook her daughter's hand away.

"I want her to be happy," she said eventually. "And I want her to be safe."

"She is safe, Mom."

"How can you say that, Lorelai?" Emily demanded. "I don't know what this boy does for a living but I think it's somewhat safe to say that he doesn't make half as much as Logan does."

"So what, Mom? Rory makes her own money. She doesn't need a guy to make it for her."

"I know she doesn't but it couldn't hurt, could it?" Emily said desperately. "If she'd married Logan she'd have her own money and a generous amount besides – she'd be guaranteed a wonderful house, vacations every year and she would never have to worry about money once, which says something these days. She'd be financially secure for the rest of her life!"

"Rory needs something more than financial security," Lorelai said angrily. "She needs a loving relationship!"

"Logan does love her!"

"Mom, she doesn't love him!" Lorelai cried. "How many times do I have to say it? It doesn't matter how much money Logan makes, how well he could take care of her, how many vacations they could take – she doesn't love him. That's what matters, isn't it? She would be miserable and I know you want her to be happy more than you want her to be rich."

Emily was silent and then she asked,

"So what does this _Jess_ do?"

"He writes books," Lorelai said, who couldn't help smiling. "Don't you think that's kind of fitting for Rory?"

"Oh yes, wonderfully fitting," Emily snapped. "She's settling for a disrespectful lout who'll just lounge around at a typewriter all day while she works and calls whatever he manages to throw onto the paper _art_!"

Lorelai stared, blinked and said,

"First off I think people stopped using typewriters a long time ago –"

"On his i-pax or whatever it is these days then!"

"_I-pax_?" Lorelai laughed. "Oh, Mom!"

"You are missing the point, Lorelai!" Emily barked. "The basic facts remain the same, don't they?"

"I think Rory said he had another job," Lorelai said, after a pause. "But there's no shame in writing, Mom, and he doesn't need to support her because she can support herself. Second of all, it's been several years since you met him and he's a less of a lout now."

"A person's nature doesn't change," Emily remarked and Lorelai shrugged.

"A person can grow up."

Emily made a dismissive noise and then she turned slightly, picked up her drink and looked at her daughter over the rim of her glass.

"What, Mom?" Lorelai asked, a grating sound to her tone. She could feel herself begin to get a headache.

"Nothing," Emily said airily, putting the glass down. "I'm surprised at you, that's all."

"Surprised at me how, exactly?"

"Now that you've reminded me of this boy it's all come flooding back," Emily said. "Why, I remember an evening where you cried to me about how terrible he was, what a bad influence, how he wasn't good for Rory while she was sulking in the next room – some things don't change – and you worried about being around him would do."

"Yes, Mom, but –"

"Memory's a wonderful thing, Lorelai," Emily said, drinking more iced tea. "I'm so glad you refreshed mine."

"Listen, Mom," Lorelai said, after a stunned pause. "You're right, when he came to Stars Hollow all I could see was a selfish, jerk of a boy who wanted to get my daughter into trouble and didn't care about the consequences and I thought that for a long time, not least because he did behave that way for months, but that was ten years ago. It was ten years ago, Mom, and he's grown up and I've had him over for dinner and while we're hardly exchanging friendship bracelets I know he's a decent guy. Rory loves him and he loves her, I know he does and if they were in love ten years ago and have fallen back in love now doesn't that say something? Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that and I can be unfair to him but I know he's a decent, smart, stable guy who is just crazy about Rory and isn't going to mess around with her. She's happy, she's happier than I've seen her in months and they're in love and I think we all have to try and remember to move on."

She sat back in her chair, exhausted and picked up her glass. She took a large sip and spluttered as Emily said,

"He can come over for dinner then."

"Excuse me?" Lorelai demanded, too surprised to notice the mess she had made and wiping her mouth.

"You are worse than a child at the table," Emily snapped, reaching for a serviette and passing it to her daughter. "You heard perfectly well what I said."

"Have him over for_ dinner_? _Why_?" Lorelai exclaimed, wiping where she had spilled and Emily said coolly,

"Well, if my granddaughter has chosen to be with a man who sits around writing novels and arrives at appointments thirty minutes late over someone who can buy her anything she wants and give her a wedding of her dreams, I'd like to see why."

"Mom, I highly doubt he'd arrive late now."

"I'm curious to see what's so wonderful about him," Emily said waspishly. "Very curious."

"Mom, so help me, if you use this dinner to drive Jess away or ruin their relationship –"

"Lorelai, Lorelai," Emily said calmly, silencing her daughter. "Who said anything about that? I merely want to get to know the man my granddaughter's been hiding, who she says she's in love with and didn't bother to tell me about. He must be something special, mustn't he? We'll see if his manners have improved."

"Mom, don't judge him before you've met him," Lorelai said and Emily raised her eyebrows.

"I have met him, haven't I? I remember it all perfectly now."

"Yes, but you don't know him now."

"Then I will get to know him," Emily said simply. "I can't wait and, if you will excuse, I would like to get back to my gardening."

"Mom –"

"Goodbye, Lorelai," Emily said firmly and her daughter nodded and walked away.

Rory had just finished her evening meal of pizza with Jess when her cellphone began to sound.

"Sorry," she said, wiping her fingers and standing up. "I won't be long."

"Cellphones suck," Jess complained but he smiled as Rory picked it up and answered.

"Hey Mom."

"Hey kid, listen. Grandma's going to call and ask you and Jess to Friday night dinner."

"What?" Rory exclaimed. "Why? She's not serious."

"She's dead serious and she's going to call you any minute."

"Well, that's too bad," Rory said angrily. "I'm not going to her house for dinner, let alone with Jess."

Her boyfriend looked up but Rory ignored him as Lorelai said desperately,

"Rory, you know as well as I do that she will not let up until you come. Go and get it over with."

"It's going to be horrible!"

"Yes, it will, but you know what's more horrible? Emily Gilmore leaving endless messages on your machine about the dinner you simply have to have. She's not giving up on this."

"How do you know, anyway?" Rory asked, after a pause and Lorelai said awkwardly,

"Um, I kind of went over there."

"What?"

"To tell her off, get her to call you."

"And you told her to invite us to dinner?"

"No, that was all Emily. I kind of reminded her of who Jess was and now she's demanding a dinner. I'm sorry, honey."

Rory closed her eyes.

"I know what a dinner at the Gilmore's means."

"Don't we all. I'm so sorry, I just thought I should warn you."

"Duly noted. Thanks, Mom, I guess."

"That's okay. I'll call later. Ugh, I'm going to go take an aspirin for my Emily headache."

They said their farewells and Rory hung up the phone, sighed and turned to Jess.

"So about Friday night dinner at the Gilmore house?"

"You're not serious," Jess said and Rory looked at him seriously. "Because it went so well last time?"

"They won't shut up until we go," Rory said knowingly. "And it's going to be hell, I'm sorry, but I promise to do whatever you want for a week."

"Whatever I want?" Jess asked with a grin and Rory grinned back.

"Depends."

"I don't think you're in a position to negotiate, Gilmore," Jess said and, before Rory could retort, her phone rang again. It was Emily.

"Hello, Grandma," Rory said coolly. "How are you?"

"I'm as well as I can be, Rory. I have an invitation – since you've announced this new man in your life I'd simply love to meet him. I was wondering if you would bring him to dinner on Friday night."

"I would be delighted, Grandma," Rory said through gritted teeth. "This is a surprise."

Emily paused, detecting sarcasm but she did not challenge Rory on it and said,

"Write it down in your diary. I will see you on Friday, both on time I hope."

"Goodbye, Grandma," Rory said angrily, hanging up and turning to Jess.

"I'm sorry in advance."

"I promise to be on my best behaviour," teased Jess and he put his hands around her waist. "Won't we negotiating?"

"Oh, that's right," giggled Rory and, as they began to kiss she was able to put the dread of the dinner and the damage she knew would ensue out of her mind for that night at least.


	53. Chapter 53

**Thanks for the feedback!**

"Be nice, won't you?"

"Rory, would you relax?"

"I can't relax!" Rory fretted, pacing around the room. She had got ready an hour in advance, changed her outfit twice before eventually choosing a black dress and had pulled out all of Jess's shirts and pants from the closet the moment she had got to his apartment, stopping only when Jess had taken them away from her and told her plainly that she was a crazy woman.

"What exactly are you expecting to go wrong?"

"Do you want me to make a list?" Rory exclaimed. "I don't think you understand quite how bad my grandparents can be, how talented they are at making you feel like the crappiest person in the world, how much they'll make you want there to be a trapdoor to fall into, because even if you ended up trapped in a cellar it would be better than being there."

Jess looked at her and started laughing.

"Stop it!" Rory snapped. "It's not funny!"

"The worst that will happen is that they don't like me."

"They already dislike you," Rory said unhappily. "Mom reminded Grandma who you are and now she remembers vividly."

"So I already know they feel," Jess said, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Rory, relax. We're just going to go eat, get insulted and go home, the best kind of family dinner, don't you think?"

"You say that now," Rory said, shaking her head. "You don't know the Gilmore way."

"Tonight I get to find out," Jess said, kissing her cheek and going back to the shirts, selecting one which was slate grey to go with his black pants. Rory watched him change and then asked,

"Could you wear a tie?"

"What? No way!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not going to an office," Jess said. "And the shirts I have with ties are in the laundry."

"Why didn't you clean them?" Rory shouted. "You knew this meal was tonight!"

"No one mentioned a _tie_!"

"It's a dinner at the Gilmore house!"

"I may as well just roll up in jeans then," Jess joked but Rory scowled at him, unamused and sat down heavily on the bed. Jess sighed and sat next to her.

"Is it really such a big deal?" he asked, looking at her carefully. "Because I could ask Chris -?"

"No, it's okay," Rory said quietly. "I'm overreacting. I don't think wearing a tie is going to make much difference to their opinion."

"So I really should roll up in jeans then," Jess joked and Rory smiled, feeling herself relax a little.

"Maybe save that for a really special occasion, or if you really want to make my grandmother's head explode."

"Imagine how she'd feel if I paired it with a Metallica T-shirt," Jess said, grinning, but Rory got up, feeling nervous again.

"You will be nice, won't you?"

"No, I'll be horrible," Jess said seriously, getting up as well and going over to her. "Yes, Rory, I'll be nice, they'll get to meet the new and improved Jess Mariano. He comes with a killer smile and impeccable manners, a real charmer."

"And you won't be sarcastic?" Rory asked, an edge to her tone and Jess grinned.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Jess, be serious!" Rory shouted, losing her temper and resisting the sudden urge to throw something. "This is the first time my grandmother has seen you in ten years, the first time my grandfather has ever met you and I'd like the evening to end without a decapitation!"

"A _decapitation_?" Jess asked incredulously and Rory went red.

"It was the first thing that came to mind, I blame it on that zombie drama I was watching and really, I don't even know why I was watching it because I hate zombies, they don't freak me out I just don't like them and –"

She caught herself and noticed that Jess was staring at her, obviously trying hard not to laugh. Rory went red and bit her lip but Jess put his hands o her hips and gave her a soft, gentle kiss.

"It's going to be fine," he said, looking into her eyes. "I promise."

"But –"

"But they hate me, I know and I don't care. It'll still be fine. I'll smile, I'll be nice and I'll try really hard not to be sarcastic."

"You'll try?"

"Depends on whether or not they put raisins in the salad," Jess said seriously and Rory giggled. "Because that's an abomination."

"I'll remember that," Rory said with a smirk. "You can stand any kind of insult my grandmother will throw at you, any kind of criticism but raisins in a salad is just a step too far."

"Hey, a man has to have standards."

Rory chuckled, kissed him and then caught sight of the time on Jess's digital clock and, eyes widening, she pushed him away.

"We have to leave now."

"Right now? It's still early."

"Not in the world of Emily Gilmore," Rory said seriously. "And of all the things she's going to yell at us for it's not going to be because we were late. Go get changed and I'll warm up the car."

"Let the games begin," Jess remarked and Rory raised her eyebrows.

"That had better be the last of the sarcasm," she said and Jess looked at her.

"Who said I was being sarcastic?"

They pulled up at Emily's house a couple of hours later, a little earlier than they had expected. Lorelai wasn't there yet and Jess leaned against the side of the car, staring up at the house and letting out a low whistle.

"Never thought I'd be here again."

"Is it how you remembered?"

"Looks bigger than before."

"Maybe it grew," Rory joked but she sounded nervous and looked around. "I wish Mom were here."

"We'll survive," Jess said, putting his arm around her and Rory managed to smile. He kissed her cheek and in that moment a second car pulled up beside them. Lorelai stepped out with a flask of coffee and laughed as Rory hugged her and then snatched the flask from her, drinking deeply.

"Ever tell your daughter she has a problem?" Jess asked seriously and Lorelai laughed.

"All the time but the addiction's too deep."

"Hey, this coming from the world's biggest addict herself," Rory said irritably, handing the flask back. "You're my enabler, you're the one who set me on this path and you're the one who'll give me my fix."

"You both have a problem," Jess said seriously. "There are places that will help you, you know."

"It's fun," Lorelai grinned, pushing the flask onto him. "Come to the dark side, Jess. Sometimes there's cake."

Before Jess could respond a voice suddenly barked,

"What are you all doing out here wasting time talking about _cake_?"

They jumped and Lorelai dropped the flask where it fell onto the gravel. It was heavy but it sounded loud in the embarrassed silence and Emily snapped,

"Somehow I am not surprised, Lorelai. I will see you when you decide to stop behaving like children."

She stalked back inside, leaving the door open and Lorelai bit her lip.

"Sorry guys."

"I didn't even hear her open the door," Jess said as Rory bent and picked the flask up. "How did she know we were outside?"

"You don't want to know," Rory said grimly, handing the flask to her mother and straightening up. "No one does."

"We'd better get in there before she does any real damage," Lorelai said seriously, stuffing the flask in her purse and leading the way into the house. Rory sighed and took Jess's hand. The evening was off to a flying start.

"I hope that's the last of the party games of the evening," Emily said irritably once Lorelai, Rory and Jess had handed their coats to the maid and come through. "I certainly don't invite children to dinner."

"How'd you know we were out there, Mom?" Lorelai asked curiously and Emily sipped her wine.

"I thought I heard a whistle," she said. "Though why anyone would be _whistling_ I can't understand. I suppose it was part of this rigmarole about cake. Well, come and sit down, this isn't a bar, you know."

"How'd she -?" Jess whispered and Rory shook her head frantically, nervously glancing at the back of her grandmother who had got up to pour some drinks. They sat down uncomfortably on the couch

"I hope wine is welcome for everyone," Emily said, turning back around and staring at Rory. "I didn't know what kind of drink our guest would like."

"I'll drink anything," Jess said, getting back to his feet and Emily raised her eyebrows.

"Is that a fact?"

"Grandma, this is Jess Mariano," Rory said hastily, trying to steer the conversation onto safer grounds. "Luke's nephew. You've met before."

"Yes," Emily said coolly, taking the hand he offered and slowly shaking it. "I remember."

Jess nodded, taking his hand away and accepting the glass of wine Lorelai offered. He had just sat back down and raised it to his lips when Emily asked coldly,

"I see you're wonderful for conversation."

Rory could almost see Jess biting back a smart remark. He instead put the glass down and gave her grandmother a small smile.

"Sometimes I can be a little shy."

There was a snort from the end of the sofa and they all looked round to see Lorelai smothering her face with her jacket, badly trying to conceal some laughter.

"Does something amuse you, Lorelai?" Emily asked coldly and Lorelai shook her head, not daring to look at her mother.

"Trying not to sneeze..."

Emily let out a sigh of frustration and turned back to Jess.

"You'll have to forgive my daughter," she said in annoyance. "Everything's always such a joke."

"I've heard," Jess said, smiling, but Emily looked at him, unimpressed.

"I hope everything isn't a joke with you, young man. There are some things in life you have to take seriously, you know – money, for instance. I hope you don't fool around with yours, however much you have."

"Grandma," Rory said in a warning voice. Emily looked at her and said,

"Rory, didn't anyone tell you it was rude to interrupt? Now that I think about it, I don't think that's such a rhetorical question, do you?"

Rory's eyes narrowed but before she could retort there were footsteps and they looked up to see Richard coming in and fiddling with his tie, not really noticing them.

"Blasted London," they heard him mutter. "Why are they angry about me calling them at two AM? Change their time zone, I say."

"Richard!" Emily said sharply. "Stop talking business and come and sit down! Rory's guest is here!"

"What?" Richard asked, blinking and looking up as Emily handed him a drink. "Thank you, dear."

She nodded and Richard looked around at them all, his face changing as his eyes settled on Jess.

"Hello."

"Good evening," Jess said politely, standing up and offering his hand to Richard. "It's good to meet you."

"Likewise," Richard said, gripping Jess's hand painfully tightly. "I've heard a lot about you. A pity I didn't have the pleasure the first time round."

"You have the pleasure now," Jess remarked and he stared at him, unable to gauge his tone.

"Yes," he said coldly. "I suppose I do. Perhaps I can instruct you on how to put on a tie."

There was an awkward silence which was broken by the maid coming in.

"Dinner's ready."

"Thank you, Maria," Emily said, standing up. "I'm starved."

They settled down around the table where the salads were already laid out.

"No raisins," Rory whispered into Jess's ear. "That's a start."

He smiled and they looked up as Emily said coldly,

"Rory, did no one ever tell you that it's rude to have private conversations at the table?"

"No, Grandma, they didn't," Rory said, staring at her and deliberately putting her elbows on the table. "I suppose no one told you it was rude to invite guests without telling other people who were coming?"

"That is not half as rude as marching out," Emily retorted. "And not displaying any kind of courtesy."

"You could use some of that yourself," Rory said icily. "How many maids have you hired this month?"

Emily glared daggers at her but didn't say anything. There was a long silence, broken by her snapping,

"Take your elbows off the table!"

"I'm sorry, Grandma," Rory said innocently. "I didn't mean to be_ impolite_."

Jess stared at her, obviously wondering why Rory was so hastily breaking the agreement not to fight. She felt embarrassed but refused to back down and folded her hands in her lap, staring at Emily.

"Hey!" Lorelai said cheerfully. "Where's that second course? Boy, they sure like to keep you waiting, don't they?"

"This isn't a chophouse, Lorelai," Emily snapped. "I wonder where your child got her manners from. Be quiet and eat your salad."

Lorelai meekly cut her lettuce up and for a while no one said anything, trying not to crunch on the crisper parts of the salad. Emily managed to eat hers completely silently and laid her fork down, smiling at Jess.

"So where did you go to college?"

"Actually, I didn't go to college," Jess said and Emily asked in surprise,

"Really? Why not?"

"They're not so big on applicants who didn't graduate high school," Jess said matter-of-factly. Emily stared at him.

"You didn't graduate high school?"

"Mom, I didn't graduate from high school," Lorelai said hastily. "Not all of us do."

"Yes, Lorelai, but you got pregnant," Emily snapped. "Somehow I doubt he has the same excuse."

"Grandma!" Rory exclaimed but Emily ignored her and Jess put his fork down, unperturbed.

"No, I didn't," he said. "I regret that now but I went to some classes a few years ago, got some certificates there, learned a lot about writing."

"Jess is a published author, Grandma," Rory said excitedly and Emily raised her eyebrows.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, that's so," Jess said shortly.

"What kind of books are they?"

"Short novels."

"So how many books have you written?"

"I've had two published," Jess said, reaching for the salt. "I'm writing more here and there."

"_Here and there_?" Richard echoed suddenly. "Is that good business sense?"

"I'm not sure, Sir," Jess said, sounding a little annoyed. "I don't write books for business."

"So what do you write them for then?" Emily asked abruptly and Jess put the salt down.

"Why does anyone make art?"

"Is that what you consider yourself, an artist?" Emily asked and Jess shrugged.

"It's what some might say."

"What do you say?" Emily demanded and he looked at her.

"I say I'm a guy who needs to write and if that makes me an artist then fine, though I'd feel weird calling myself that. I don't think my books are going to be studied anytime soon."

"Why, aren't they good?" Emily asked bluntly and Rory said angrily,

"No one said that, Grandma. His books are excellent."

"Are they? What are they about?" Emily asked coldly. "I'm very curious."

They all turned to look at Jess who suddenly looked embarrassed.

"Real life," he said eventually. "I try to make them like real life. They're not pretty or anything but I try to make them true. I want someone to read them and think they sound true."

"True?" Emily echoed. "True to what, exactly?"

"True to society," Jess said thoughtfully, no longer embarrassed. "True to – to being a person. True to when you see that life can be screwed up, that you'll screw up but there's some good in it all. It's not always how you pictured it when you're sixteen but that doesn't mean it's bad. Life's more worthwhile that way, that's how I figure it. That's what I want people to see in my books."

They all stared at him in silence and Rory felt a sudden, fierce surge of pride and an odd urge to cry.

"Do you think no one has written that before?" Emily asked, either pretending to be or seriously not very impressed and Jess looked at her curiously.

"Undoubtedly. I'm know others have written it better than me, my books are my expression. If they're good or not is subjective."

"Of course they're good," Rory said furiously. "Don't say that, Jess, they're amazing. Grandma hasn't even read them."

"Maybe I will," Emily said, sipping her drink. "I'll order them on the internet – I assume they are on the internet?"

"Of course they're on the internet," Jess said, annoyed, and Emily raised her eyebrows.

"So you're not too good for the internet then?"

"What does that mean, Grandma?" Rory snapped and Emily remarked,

"Nothing, only I seem to recall you telling me that your boyfriend was above cellphones and probably all other kinds of technology."

"I did not say _above_!" Rory exclaimed, looking at Jess. "I just said you didn't like them!"

"And I don't like them," Jess said honestly. "I use one now but I still think people rely on them too much."

"I suppose we should all be grateful that you've deigned to join modern society," Emily said rudely, as the maid came in to take the plates. "At least now we could contact you if you arrive thirty minutes late after a fight."

Jess opened his mouth to retort but thought better of it and instead took his frustration out on the chicken which had just been placed in front of him, attacking it with his knife and fork.

"That was ten years ago, Grandma," Rory said angrily. "You don't even know him now."

"Isn't this what this dinner is for?" Lorelai put in suddenly with a nervous laugh. "Getting to know Jess?"

"That's what I'm trying to do," Emily said coldly. "If people wouldn't interrupt."

"You call this trying to know Jess?" Rory exclaimed and, before Emily could reply Richard asked suddenly,

"How much money do your books make?"

"Better than expected but hardly millions," Jess said, putting his fork down and turning to look at him. "Why?"

"Well, simply that if your career is to be a writer shouldn't you be concentrating on making the most money as possible?"

"It's not my _career,"_ Jess said angrily. "And I'm not going to churn out formulaic crap to make more money."

There was a pause and Rory closed her eyes, wishing she could take back her boyfriend's last sentence. Instead she opened them to see her grandfather scowl and say,

"I dare say those writers who write, as you so charmingly put it, _formulaic crap_ are having the last laugh and the larger salary as well."

"Well, good for them," Jess said sarcastically. "They can sleep easy after writing the same thing day after day and switching their brains off. Must be a nice life."

"A very nice life," Richard agreed, staring at him. "How are you going to give my granddaughter a nice life?"

"Excuse me?" Jess asked in disbelief and Rory snapped,

"Grandpa, stop it."

"Rory Gilmore, don't you dare speak to your grandfather that way," Emily shouted but everyone ignored her and Richard replied,

"You heard me perfectly well, even if that ridiculous hairstyle of yours goes below your ears. How are you going to provide for my granddaughter, how much money do you make? I assume your _special _books don't sell wonderfully, do they?"

"I'd say Rory was pretty capable of providing for herself," Jess retorted. "She's got a better job than I do so if anyone will be making a nice life it'll be her."

"Oh, so you're with her for her money?"

"I hardly said that –"

"What else do you do?" Emily demanded. "If writing books isn't your career? Are you still part of the Wal-Mart corporation?"

"Shockingly, no."

"You won't thank us for your pay check then," Emily said cuttingly. "I remember your hilarious joke."

"I'm a regular comedian."

"I assume _that's_ not your current job."

"Freelance," Jess said in a tired voice. "Temping. I'm hoping to get a grant so I can open a publishing house, like the one I used to work for."

"_Used_ to?" Richard echoed. "Did you leave for some sort of artistic dream?"

"No, it got shut down," Jess said through gritted teeth and Richard asked,

"Why, was it a poor business?"

"No, we had a small financial crisis," Jess snapped, losing his temper. "Though I suppose that passed you by, didn't it?"

"No, I had a solid business," Richard said, his face beginning to go red. "I dedicated years to building it up and do you know how I did that, young man? I did it because I was responsible and knew I had to provide for my wife, my family!"

"How did you start that business?" Jess asked coolly. "From scratch or the nice pile of money your family left you?"

There was a and then Richard said, bumbling,

"That's not the point! I still put in years of work and I still want to know how you are planning to look after my granddaughter when you have no business of your own and, from the sound of it, no business sense!"

"Look after Rory?" Jess asked in disbelief. "Have you_ seen_ Rory? She can look after herself pretty well, I'd say. Do you think she's incompetent or something?"

"Of course I don't think my granddaughter is incompetent, she went to an Ivy League school, she's excellent, far better than you, I'd say but a gentleman needs to be able to look after a woman and that has to mean a decent amount of money!"

"Grandpa, stop!" Rory shouted but everyone ignored her and Jess said sarcastically,

"Well, maybe the three horses you give me with the dowry will help. She's not a virgin though, does that change things?"

There was a shocked silence and Rory hissed,

"_Jess_!"

"You are simply delightful," Emily snapped. "Just as charming as you were ten years ago, the only thing that's missing is a black eye but I dare say someone will punch you before long. With that attitude you certainly deserve it."

"You are being so unfair, Grandma," Rory said angrily. "You attack Jess the moment he sat down at the table, dig at him about his life, his career and all because you can't see past one night ten years ago!"

"It's a little hard not to, Rory, when we don't know him now," Emily said, taking a bite of chicken. "Why, until the other day I didn't even know you had a boyfriend until you made that ridiculous outburst at the table. If your young man is so wonderful now then why didn't you tell us, hm? I simply cannot think."

Rory opened and shut her mouth and went red as she felt Jess turn to look at her. She knew he was confused and probably hurt and she couldn't think of how to explain.

"It's because I knew you would be like this," she choked eventually. "Like you always are. Attacking anyone who doesn't pass your standards!"

"Yes, we are horrible people, aren't we?" Emily snapped. "Horrible for wanting the best for you, though I dare say you don't deserve it. You could have had it all, Rory Gilmore – you could have married a wonderful man and had a family and no need to worry ever again. You could be living a lovely life right now."

"Jess is a wonderful man and I am living a lovely life right now," Rory said furiously and Emily retorted,

"Wonderful because he can write a story? Stories don't get you far in the real world, young lady, at some point you have to grow up. You have to marry someone rich, with a head on his shoulders, someone who'll keep you safe and you could have had that. You could still have that if you would just see sense! A lovely life – living in an apartment in Manhattan by yourself when you could have had two children and lived in a mansion!"

"You'd rather I was married to someone I didn't love just so I could be rich, wouldn't you?" Rory shouted. "You can't see anything beyond money, that's why you love Logan so much even though he's had a child outside his marriage, a child he's paying not to see. You know that, you know all of it and you'd still rather I was with him? You're saying Jess is irresponsible? Jess would never do that, Jess is a decent guy and I don't care if he doesn't have any money because I know how much he loves me. I feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for both of you and you know what else? I'm tired of you talking about how wonderful Logan is. If Logan was so wonderful how come he cheated on me? How come he won't see his child? How come, if he was so right for me, he didn't even try to get me back to Yale, how come neither of you did?"

"That was your own decision , Rory Gilmore," Emily said furiously. "And I'm tired of you acting like you were the victim!"

"I was being an idiot and Jess bothered to tell me," Rory said angrily. "Jess cared that I was wasting my brain, my life and I'd choose him any day over some rich guy who tried to _buy _me!"

Rory stopped, taking deep, ragged breaths and Emily snapped,

"Do you know what your problem is, young lady?"

"No, but I'm pretty sure you're going to tell me."

"You are just like your mother," Emily seethed. "Both of you could have had it all, stability, a family, money and you are both so spoiled and stubborn that you throw it all away for men who work in _diners_!"

"Hey!" Lorelai cut in sharply but Rory ignored her.

"Well, you know what, Grandma?" she said, her whole body shaking. "I would rather be spoiled and stubborn than a shallow snob like you."

"Rory!" Lorelai gasped but her daughter did not hear her and, after stopping only to see the stunned look on her grandmother's face she stormed out into the hall, finally feeling the tears fall down her face. She had not been there long when she heard footsteps and knew Jess was beside her.

"I'm sorry," Rory gasped. "I'm sorry."

"Why didn't you tell them?" Jess asked in tight, hurt voice. "Why didn't you tell them we were together?"

"Well, because –" Rory stopped, faltering. "I knew it would be this way."

"So what?" Jess exclaimed, his voice shaking slightly. "Who cares what they think? Were you ashamed or something?"

"No, I –"

"Stop caring about what they think," Jess said, staring at her. Rory stared back, words failing her. She couldn't say a thing, knowing that if she tried she'd begin to cry and wouldn't stop and instead turned and walked up the stairs, going to her mother's room. When she turned she expected Jess to be behind her but he wasn't, he had gone and Rory cried in the centre of the room, ashamed and alone.


	54. Chapter 54

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Rory stood in the same spot for a while, glancing around her mother's room. Aside from the dollshouse being gone it appeared untouched, frozen in time, stopping halfway through her mother's adolescence, looking as though at any moment a sixteen-year-old Lorelai would breeze in from school and start playing a tape from one of the bands which adorned her walls. Rory went and lay down on the frilly, princess bed and, despite the soft pillows it felt to Rory as though they were filled with rock and she felt more than uncomfortable with a strange sense of familiarity. She remembered where it came from; the long months spent here, lying on a bed just like this with a sense of desperation and Rory leapt off the bed and backed away. She rubbed away the tears which had fallen and knew she should go downstairs, try and say something but courage was failing her that night and Rory didn't know what to say. She was mad at her grandparents, furious yet she didn't want to get into another fight with them and Jess – what could she say to Jess? There was a dull, aching sensation in her chest and when she thought of what he had said to her, sounding so hurt, she was ready to cry all over again. She'd been an idiot, should have told her grandparents but _ashamed _– how could he think that? How could he think she thought that?

Tears were threatening to roll down Rory's cheeks again and she sniffled furiously, determined not to let them win and she looked miserably around her. She couldn't stay upstairs all night, could not stay in this room which was beginning to feel as though it was stifling her and, as Rory looked around her she suddenly spotted the window, the double-window which led to the balcony and tentatively Rory walked over to them and checked to see if they were still open. They were.

Heaving a sigh of relief, Rory pushed the window open and climbed over the ledge, knowing she was acting like a teenager but deciding to deal with it later. It felt comforting, being outside, and, as Rory breathed in the sweet night air, hidden away from everyone else she understood why this had been her mother's favourite spot. Somewhere to be in peace, somewhere you could safely feel alone and she stared up at the stars, letting her tears fall freely.

Rory appreciated this for five minutes when suddenly she heard footsteps in the room. She tucked her knees up, stiffening, hoping whoever it was would go away and not guess she was there but the footsteps got closer and closer. Rory closed her eyes, wondering who it was – the steps too heavy for her mother yet too light for her grandfather – when suddenly the windows were pushed open and she opened her eyes to see Jess climbing over onto the balcony to join her.

"Hey," he said, walking over to her and frowning. "Why'd you look so scared?"

"I thought you were Grandma or something," Rory said, standing up and sniffling. "I thought you'd gone."

"Gone?" Jess asked gently and Rory said miserably,

"You didn't follow me up and you were mad so I thought..."

"I was mad," Jess said, taking her face in his hands. "Still am, a bit, but I didn't leave. I wouldn't just drive off and leave you here like this."

"You left last time," Rory couldn't help pointing out and he inclined his head slightly.

"Fair. I was a teenage jerk then though – I'm not now, or I try, at least."

"Of course you're not a jerk," Rory said, trying to laugh but crying instead. "If anyone here's a jerk it's me – I should have told them."

"Why didn't you tell them?" Jess asked quietly and Rory looked at him miserably, not allowing herself to break his gaze.

"Because I was scared, I guess," she said eventually. "Of what they'd say, of the argument I knew we'd have and this was before the whole Logan mess. I didn't want to deal with the Richard and Emil fallout and I was being a coward. I'm sorry."

He nodded but didn't say anything and Rory put her hands on her shoulders.

"I wasn't ashamed," she said, her voice breaking. "Jess, you have to believe me – I was not ashamed, not for a second. It's not that I care about that they think – it's the way they treat me when they let me know what they think. It's the coldness, the pointed remarks, the excruciating civility and the way they make you feel. I just didn't want to handle that and I should have told them. I'm sorry, Jess, I am and you can be mad at me for that but don't think I was ashamed of you, you can't."

He nodded and Rory asked quietly,

"You believe me, don't you?"

"Of course I believe you," Jess said and he pulled her towards him and kissed her heavily. "Do you believe me?"

"I think so," smiled Rory and they kissed again, longer this time.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper," Jess said when they'd stopped. "I'm sorry I got sarcastic."

"I knew you'd be sarcastic."

She smiled but Jess didn't return it. He looked annoyed with himself.

"I should have ignored them."

"I think I started it," Rory said shamefully. "I was the one who got bitchy with Grandma before we'd barely sat down."

"I still should have kept cool. I knew it would be like this and I still lost it, I was an idiot."

"You did ask what could go wrong," Rory sighed. "Now you have the answer."

They looked at each other. Rory slowly took her arms away from Jess and went and sat down at the end of the balcony, staring at the sky. Jess followed suit and they sat in silence for a moment.

"Rory?" he said shyly. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"You were hurt," Rory said, tearing her gaze away and looking into his eyes. "You were mad at me."

"Yeah, but you were upset," Jess said, sounding ashamed. "You were crying, I shouldn't have snapped, I should have gone after you right away instead of sulking in the hall."

"How'd you know which room to find me?" Rory asked, her eyes large and Jess said shamefully,

"I didn't, I got the wrong room first – your old room."

"Oh, that place," Rory exhaled. "It's never felt like my room."

"You weren't there," Jess continued. "And then I remembered that room with the balcony, I figured it was your mom's and either way, you'd be on the balcony. You'd want some space."

Rory nodded and he added awkwardly,

"I guess I ruined that."

"I'm glad you came," Rory said, putting her hands around his neck. "I wanted to be alone but not as much as I wanted to be with you."

"Even though we fought?"

"I wanted to explain," Rory said, feeling the last of her tears spill from her eyes. "Though I didn't know how."

"For not knowing how you explained it pretty perfectly."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Jess said, kissing her and Rory whispered once more,

"I'm sorry."

"We're both sorry," Jess said, kissing her again. "It works out, doesn't it?"

Rory nodded and leant her head on his shoulder. For a while neither spoke but it wasn't an awkward kind of silence, Rory thought. It was the kind she liked.

"You talk about your grandparents making pointed remarks," Jess said suddenly. "I'd say you inherited that and in a pretty scary way. Man, was it tense in there with you and your grandmother. I thought someone was going to get stabbed with a knife. Remind me not to piss you off – that sweet face has everyone fooled."

Rory laughed a little ruefully.

"I don't know what it was," she said. "She was just making me so mad, her and Grandpa – the way they just brushed off your books, your writing, like it meant nothing to them."

"It does mean nothing to them."

"It's not right!" Rory exclaimed. "They've never even read anything by you."

"Rory, I think I could write the next Great American Novel and they'd still think I was wasting my time, at least if it didn't make money."

"I was so proud of you," Rory said, glancing at him shyly. "When you talked about your writing, your books and how you want to make them sound real, how life isn't like how you pictured it when you were sixteen. It's so true, isn't it?"

"How did you expect life to be when you were sixteen?" Jess asked curiously. "How did you see yourself now?"

Rory paused for a moment.

"Some of it is how I planned" she said eventually. "Professionally, I'm where I wanted to be, though getting there was harder than I thought. I didn't imagine dropping out of Yale – I didn't even want to go to Yale- and being told I couldn't make it as a writer."

"That guy was manipulating you," Jess said and Rory shrugged.

"I never thought about people like that. I didn't think about people messing with you, I think I thought the whole world would be nice."

Jess nodded and she continued,

"I didn't expect not to get the first thing I tried for – everything was so easy at school, it just came to me. I had a few bad weeks at Chilton but I caught up pretty quickly and after that I was always at the top of the class and I never thought I would struggle, never thought I would fail and that was pretty hard to go through. I didn't handle it well at all because, I guess, I'd never failed before. My whole life, I'd never pictured failure."

Jess looked at her but she hurried on before he could reply.

"I thought I would only ever have one boyfriend," she said, laughing sadly. "I was never into dating and I thought that, in the unlikely event of meeting a guy, we'd fall in love and that would be that."

"Is that how you felt with Dean?" Jess asked and Rory was quiet for a moment.

"No," she said eventually, shaking her head. "I did love him, a lot, and I knew he loved me and he made me feel safe but I could never see us as adults. I used to daydream sometimes about the future, when I was a journalist and he was never there. He never fitted into the picture – I never told him that, of course and then, when my feelings changed and I realised I didn't love him like I had I was scared. That was why I was in denial – I was scared of why I was changing, why it wasn't going like it should, that I could have feelings for someone when I was with someone who still loved me and hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't how it was supposed to be."

Jess was quiet and Rory rushed on, finding it hard to stop.

"I didn't think that if I was ever proposed to it would be by the wrong man," she said, suddenly afraid to look at him. "I thought if someone ever asked me to marry them I would never have to think about the answer, that I would want to say yes, and if I loved a man there would be no reason not to and there was. I didn't think that you could be in love and want other things. I didn't think it would be difficult and that was what I didn't see when I was sixteen – that life can be complicated and you'll make choices people will never understand."

"Do you like the choices you made?" Jess asked and Rory looked at him.

"Most of them," she said. "I know what you're supposed to say is that you never have regrets but there's some things I would change. I'd stay in school for a start."

"Rory, if you'd never failed do you think you'd appreciate what you have now, how hard you worked to come back?"

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I still feel ashamed though, I can't help it. And I wouldn't have fought with my mom – if you'd told me when I was sixteen that I wouldn't talk to my mom for nearly six months I'd say you were crazy, I wouldn't believe it. Sometimes I still can't."

She fell silent, looking at her hands in her lap and Jess suddenly reached out to take one.

"You have to fail in life, Rory," he said seriously. "You wouldn't be real if you didn't."

Rory didn't say anything and he added gently,

"You wouldn't be you."

She looked up at him, tears sparkling from her eyelashes.

"What about you?" she asked. "Do you have regrets?"

"You know what I regret," he said quietly. "Even if it had to be."

"Jess."

He looked away and for a while neither said anything.

"How did you picture life when you were sixteen?" Rory asked suddenly. "How did you see yourself?"

Jess let out a small laugh.

"I had no idea," he said. "I was never much of a planner. I wanted to be anywhere other than where I was. I guess I saw myself going where the road took me, a kind of glorified Jack Kerouac existence, working when I needed money and living where I lived."

"Wherever, whatever," Rory teased, a sudden flash of memory and he grinned, moving closer to her.

"Well, Courtney, look at where life has gotten you. Two Obama campaigns and a decent job on a New York paper, not too shabby."

"Life's not too shabby for you, Kerouac, if that's what I should call you. A publishing house and two novels, much more than just seeing where the road took you."

Jess's smile faded slightly as he said,

"A closed publishing house."

"Which could open again," Rory argued. "And you still had one, that's what counts and you've still published two books, that's incredible. No one can take your writing away from you."

Jess smiled at her and leant over and kissed her.

"You got me to do it," he said seriously. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"And I couldn't have gone back to Yale without you," Rory said and she looked up at him. "Isn't it strange how life ends up?"

"I'll say. I never thought there'd be a day where I'd be telling _you _to get up and study."

"Yeah," Rory said, smiling but she felt sad again as she thought of it.

"You know, we never did get to practise with me driving at you in the middle of the street screaming at you in a foreign language," Jess teased and Rory laughed, feeling better.

"Well, have you learned a foreign language yet?"

"No, but I still have my tutor, right?"

"Right," Rory giggled. "If you promise to be a good student."

"You know I can't promise that," Jess said, grinning at her and giving her a kiss. "I wanted to do that last time."

"Me too," Rory admitted shyly, feeling her cheeks go pink. "Me too."

He grinned at her, kissed her again and once more they lapsed into silence.

"It's beautiful up here," Rory said eventually, gazing up at the galaxy. "Just look at the stars."

"Can you see any?"

"Huh?"

"Constellations, I mean?"

"No," Rory said sadly. "I was never any good at that."

Jess nodded and followed her gaze.

"It doesn't matter if you can't read them," he said thoughtfully. "They're still incredible."

"They make you feel so small, don't they?" Rory asked and she looked over to Jess. "I'm sorry," she said again, feeling an urge to cry once more. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you did."

"Rory, I love you," Jess said, kissing her again and Rory nodded and pulled him closer to her. He put an arm around her back, kissing her more fiercely and sliding up her skirt and suddenly Rory felt there was no place she would rather be than out on the balcony with Jess under the stars.


	55. Chapter 55

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After Rory had marched out of the room there was a long, stunned silence at the table. Lorelai glanced around at her shocked parents, ready to yell at them too when she caught sight of her mother's face. It was hurt and raw and in that moment Lorelai lost any kind of anger, her heart breaking for her.

"Mom, Rory didn't mean it," she said gently. "She was just angry."

"She meant every word of it," Emily said in an angry, shaking voice. "How could she talk to me like her, her own grandmother, her own – in my house, at the dinner I invited her to!"

"Mom, she was mad," Lorelai said carefully. "You were sniping at her, picking on Jess, you both were –"

"Sniping at her?" Emily shouted, making her jump. "She felt hard done by because we asked that boyfriend of hers what he does for a living, how he can support her, look after her and she feels attacked?"

"You weren't asking all that nicely –"

"How should I have asked?" Emily snapped. "If he'd like sugar with his tea along with his dead-end career?"

"Stop it, Mom."

"I won't stop it. I'm not going to sit around and smile and pretend that I like this man," Emily said angrily. "And act like I think he's at all good enough for her, sitting around writing in his apartment instead of getting a real job like the rest of us, making money!"

"Mom, he's published two books! Don't you think that's impressive?"

"So have lots of other people," Emily retorted. "And that's no excuse. When I was twenty I could walk on my hands but that didn't mean I ran off and joined the circus!"

Lorelai stared at her, suddenly lost for words.

"Okay," she said eventually, staring at her and getting up. "I have a mental image right now which is begging to unleash itself on my brain but I'm going to have to put it on hold and go find Rory."

"No!" Emily snapped, in a tone that made her sit back down. "Your daughter isn't a toddler, despite acting like one. You're not going to just run off after her, Lorelai, like you always do. You sit right here until she's finished her little fit and comes back to the table."

"A little fit?" Lorelai wondered out loud. "I wouldn't count on that, Mom."

"It always worked with you, didn't it?"

"Sometimes," Lorelai admitted. "But Rory's more stubborn than I ever was – she's a match for you, Emily Gilmore, and I've never met anyone else who is. I don't think she's coming back any time soon."

"Fine," Emily said, after a pause. "In that case, we can go onto my next thought, which is what you could possibly be thinking!"

"Mom –"

"He's rude, he's churlish," Emily said loudly, cutting her off. "He's disrespectful and crude and he still has that attitude he was so proud of ten years ago! Lorelai? Lorelai, I'm talking to you! As a mother you should be ashamed!"

Lorelai gave up and closed her eyes, drowning out her mother with images of her instead walking around a circus tent on her hands, using all her strength not to laugh.

Rory lay silently in Jess's arms. The stars were still shining above and they slowly came away from each other, separate once again and for a while neither spoke. Jess was the one to break the spell.

"We should probably go back."

"Probably," Rory echoed with a sigh. "I guess you're right."

"I don't want to either," Jess said with a grin. "But we can't stay up here all night, can we?"

"We've been up here a while," Rory said, unable to help grinning back. "What are we going to say we've been doing?"

"The truth," Jess said wickedly. "I bet your grandmother would look more horrified than if I'd shown up in my most offensive T-shirt."

"We can't tell them the truth!" Rory exclaimed, her cheeks bright red. "The _truth_ – that wasn't even supposed to happen, Jess. We were supposed to show for dinner and go home, not –"

"Have sex on their balcony?" Jess teased and Rory felt her face go crimson, feeling a sudden sense of teenage embarrassment.

"Jess!"

"I'm kidding," Jess said, looking at her carefully. "We'll come up with something to tell them. Do you think we shouldn't have?"

"Probably," Rory said honestly but smiled in spite of herself. "I'm glad we did though."

Jess smiled back and held her tightly.

"So am I," he said, kissing her cheek. "They can wait a little longer."

"What's five minutes?" Rory asked and they lapsed back into silence and stared at the stars.

"...and frankly, Lorelai, I'd say it's the example you set, never settling down, always romanticising everything and never being a real role model to your daughter!"

Lorelai picked at the bread on her plate. The mental image of a clowning Emily had ceased to amuse her, so long had been her mother's rant and even her father had excused himself to his study. The maid had come in to get dessert but had seen Emily's wrath and scuttled back like a terrified mouse, a wise move in Lorelai's opinion. She stifled a yawn.

"And it's things like that!" Emily shouted, noticing. "You are so disrespectful to everyone, even your own mother!"

"Give it a break, Mom!" Lorelai snapped, losing her temper. "Give us both a break!"

"Lorelai!"

"Rory had no right to speak to you like that," Loreali said determinedly. "And I know she's acted kind of childishly but you were awful to Jess, Mom! You don't know him at all and all you can do is shoot questions at him about his career, how to look after Rory and what his great life plan is? What happened to simple questions, like where he grew up and how many brothers and sisters he has? You attacked him, Mom!"

"He isn't good enough for Rory!" Emily said sharply. "I knew it was too late for you but I thought maybe it wasn't for Rory, she had a chance but she's obviously been around you too long!"

"Oh, here we go," Lorelai snapped. "The Let's Blame Lorelai game! I should know that we play it every Friday now, shouldn't I?"

"Oh Lorelai, do stop being such a martyr! Maybe if you had stopped being so proud around Christopher Rory wouldn't be willing to settle for this!"

"Mom, I married Christopher, didn't I?" Lorelai retorted. "Remember how well that turned out?"

There was an awkward pause and Emily finally said,

"That was because it was the wrong time. If you'd got married younger, when you found out you were pregnant –"

"Oh, Mom!"

"Don't look at me like that!" Emily said defensively. "I just hate to see Rory settling for this!"

"Mom, she loves him," Lorelai said gently. "She's not settling for anything. He's not all bad, he's not a kid anymore. Can't you try?"

"No, I can't! I don't care if he's some kind of starving artist, he's not dragging Rory down with him!"

"Firstly, I wouldn't go as far as _starving artist_ and second of all, Rory loves him," Lorelai said. "She's grown up and she loves him and he loves her and you have to respect that, Mom. They're not eighteen anymore."

"Well, you could have fooled me," Emily said waspishly, suddenly pushing her chair back. "Where are they, anyway? This is ridiculous, I'm going to find that girl right now and –"

"Mom, I'll go," Lorelai said firmly, getting to her feet. "You wait here."

To her surprise her mother pushed her chair back to the table, folded her arms and pursed her lips.

"Fine," she said icily. "Maria, the plates!"

Lorelai knew her daughter would be in her room, the room she had grown up in. She glanced briefly across at the room that Emily had insisted was Rory's, decorated hopefully with an N*Sync poster and for all the frustration Lorelai felt with her her heart tugged slightly at her mother's effort to make Rory feel at home. She walked along to the end of the hall, getting the odd sense of nervousness she always got when approaching her old bedroom and feeling six and sixteen all at once. Seeing the room again, even just the door, brought back achingly vivid memories of boredom, excitement from sneaking with Christopher and most strongly of all the paralysing terror of realising she was pregnant – her passport out, she knew, but at a terrible price.

Lorelai gulped and pushed the door open. She stopped as the room assaulted her, her favourite band posters still on the wall and the bed where she'd slept all her childhood life before stopping again, this time in surprise. The room was empty.

"Rory?" Lorelai called, half worried and half confused and jumped as she heard a noise to her right and saw the window being pushed open and, before she could feel freaked out, Rory climbed over into the room with an expression of embarrassment, Jess right behind her.

"Sorry, Mom."

Lorelai folded her arms and took the scene in: Rory's hair was messed up, there was dirt on her cheek and her dress was half-ridden up her legs which she hastily pulled down and Jess, while hardly ever immaculate, wore a similar streak of mud on his face and on his shirt. They both looked as though they had been caught at something and Rory mumbled,

"We didn't mean to be so long."

"Grandma's waiting," Lorelai said, after a pause, and after letting Jess walk in front of her she pulled her daughter aside and asked in a low voice,

"Rory, you care about my emotional and physical health, right?"

"Sure," Rory said in confusion.

"Never, ever tell me what you did on that balcony."

Rory nodded, embarrassed and they made their way downstairs to find Emily in the living room, sipping a glass of wine.

"I decided dessert could wait," she said coldly. "Even if I do hate an interrupted meal."

There was an awkward silence where she and Rory glared at each other.

"We're going to go," Lorelai leapt in. "Thanks for dinner, Mom."

"Was that a dinner?" Emily asked irritably. "I feel like I have barely had a bite."

"That's what takeout is for," Lorelai joked but her mother didn't crack a smile and Lorelai sighed.

"Goodnight, Lorelai. Goodnight, Rory."

Rory didn't reply and Jess put in,

"Goodnight, Ms Gilmore."

"That's _Mrs_ Gilmore, thank you," Emily snapped. "Don't forget it."

Jess nodded and turned away, his mouth twitching but managing not to smile. Emily stared at Rory who glared back and, worrying that there would be bloodshed Lorelai said brightly,

"I hate to break this staring contest, especially as I really can't tell who'll win, but we really should hit the road."

"Very well," Emily said frostily and she stared at them as they made their way to the door.

Once they were a safe distance from the house Lorelai let out an exaggerated shiver and held her jacket closely to her.

"Was it cold in there or was it just me?"

"I definitely felt a chill," Jess said with a grin and Lorelai looked at him, feeling an odd sense of _comradery_.

"Well, Jess, now you've had the full Gilmore experience and survived a meal with my mother. How does it feel?"

"Tiring," Jess said. "I think I'd rather read Ayn Rand than repeat that."

He chuckled and looked at Rory but she wouldn't smile and, concerned, Lorelai put a hand on her arm.

"You okay, sweets?"

"I'm fine," Rory said quickly. "I'm just tired. Let's just go home, can we?"

"Alright," Lorelai said, taking her hand away. "Which home?"

"Oh," Rory said awkwardly, looking at Jess. "You want to go back, right?"

Jess shrugged.

"We can go to Stars Hollow if you want."

"But it's your car," Rory argued. "Plus you hate Stars Hollow."

"Yeah, but you don't," Jess said, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I know you want to go back."

"I do," Rory admitted, looking into his eyes. "Are you sure you want to come? I won't be hurt if you just want to go back to your apartment, I feel bad asking you to go back with me."

"I want to," Jess said seriously and Rory stared at him in disbelief. "No, I do, I can catch up with Luke."

"Well...okay then," Rory said doubtfully, leaning over and giving him a kiss. "Thank you."

He smiled and Rory stared at him, unable to figure out where this change of opinion had come from. She was about to ask again when Lorelai said,

"I don't know about you two but I for one do not want to spend a second out here longer than we have to."

"I'll drink to that," Jess said. "Or I would if I had anything to drink."

He walked towards his car and Rory started to follow when Lorelai asked awkwardly,

"Jess, would you mind if Rory rides with me?"

They stopped and looked at her and Rory said,

"How come, Mom?"

"I'd just like some company," Lorelai said. "Do you mind?"

"Sure," Rory said and Jess shrugged.

"I can live without her for thirty minutes."

"Wow, thanks," Rory said sarcastically. He grinned at her teasingly and Rory rolled her eyes in and climbed into the passenger seat of her mother's jeep, watching as he got into his own car, the same one he'd had since he was eighteen. Lorelai got in beside her and they led the way back.

For a few minutes they drove in silence and Rory looked out of the window.

"This is nice, isn't it?" Lorelai asked brightly. "Like old times."

"Yeah," Rory said automatically before looking at her mother. "Mom, what's this about?"

"I miss riding with you."

"Mom."

Lorelai sighed, slowing for another car to overtake them.

"I hate that you're fighting with Mom," she said eventually. "I wish you'd make up."

"I'll make up when she apologises to me," Rory said angrily. "She hasn't even acknowledged the Logan thing, how crappy that was and then I bring Jess over and she and Grandpa just tear him to pieces, they wouldn't even give him a chance!"

"I know, and I know it was wrong of them, but honey, I think in their own crazy, Gilmore way it's their way of showing they care about you."

Rory was silent and folded her arms and Lorelai added,

"You shouldn't have called Mom a shallow snob."

"She is!" Rory exclaimed, her voice breaking slightly. "All she cares about is money! She doesn't care about talented Jess is, she doesn't care about all the awful things Logan's done because he has money! It's always just about the price tag!"

"Rory."

"Why are you defending her anyway?" Rory snapped. "When Mom hurts you you're not exactly objective. You barely spoke to her half the time I was growing up!"

"And that's just it, Rory!" Lorelai exclaimed. "I don't want you to just go to her house for the holidays! Look, Emily's been crappy and I know it but she's still your grandmother and she thinks the world of you. She's embarrassed about the Logan thing and the reason she's being a jerk to Jess is because she thinks he isn't good enough for you."

"So that makes it okay?"

"No, of course it doesn't make it okay! I'm just saying that all the hurtful things she's doing are because of how much she loves you."

Rory didn't say anything and Lorelai said gently,

"I've had a rotten relationship with them my entire life and I know how much they can suck but I don't want you to have the same. I want you to be as close as you were when you were sixteen."

"I'm not sixteen anymore," Rory said coldly and her mother sighed.

"I know. Rory, I get why you're mad, I really do but try not to hate her."

Rory stayed silent and Lorelai said jokingly,

"Doesn't help that you're even more stubborn than I was and that says a lot, Missy. Kind of a Freaky Friday moment when I found you climbing into my room from the balcony, right where I conceived you and –"

"What?" Rory shrieked, almost making Lorelai swerve.

"Jesus, Rory! Do you want me to crash!"

"That's where you_ conceived_ me?" Rory asked, her voice shaking. "I had _sex _up there! I had sex where I was conceived?"

"Rory!" Lorelai exclaimed. "I told you to never tell me what you did up there, what happened to my emotional and physical health?"

"Well, mine's not in great shape either!" Rory snapped. "Why did you tell me that? In fact, why in the countless stories I've been treated to over the years about you getting pregnant did you neglect to mention where it was?"

"I thought I told you! I said it was in my room!"

"Your room, not the balcony!"

"That's where it was," Lorelai said with a smile. "I made you right in the corner."

"God," Rory said in disgust. "I think I might be sick."

"Do it out the window, I've just had the car cleaned."

Rory rolled her eyes and looked over at her mother.

"How do you know that, anyway?" she asked. "How do you know exactly when it was?"

"Well, for starters it was one time and second of all, I wrote about in my diary."

"You what?" Rory asked in disbelief. "You wrote it down in your_ diary_? Things I did today: got pregnant?"

"I didn't know I got pregnant, I just knew I had sex. Highlight of the month." Lorelai chuckled to herself in memory. "_I_ _had sex today. It wasn't how it's made out in movies, for one thing it didn't last half as long as they make out. I don't know how long it's supposed to be but I figure longer than three minutes, which included reapplying my lipstick. It didn't hurt much but it didn't feel great either. Maybe it feels better with someone who knows what he's doing, I don't think Chris did. I bet sex would be good with Curt from Tears for Fears or Roland. I can never figure out who's cuter_."

Rory stared at her and shook her head.

"What a sick world I was born into."

"What about you?" Lorelai asked awkwardly and Rory looked over at her. "There's not going to be Conception, Episode Two, is there?"

"God, Mom, no. I'm on the pill."

"Okay, okay," Lorelai protested, turning off the main road. "Just checking."

Rory rolled her eyes. They rode silently for a while and then Lorelai burst into laughter.

"What?" Rory asked, unable to help giggling herself. "What is it?"

"I've really missed riding with you," Lorelai said. "Haven't you missed this?"

"Treated to hearing about how I've been conceived?" Rory joked but she smiled. "Yeah, I've missed this too."

"Hey, did you know that in an alternate universe you might have been born in a circus tent?"

Rory looked at her in total bemusement.

"Do I want to know?"

"That Emily Gilmore could have been queen of the fair? Who doesn't?"

"It's a strange world I was born into," Rory said after a pause. "A sick, strange world."

"No, kid, one of the best."


	56. Chapter 56

**I'm glad everyone enjoyed it!**

Lorelai groaned when they got into the house and looked at Rory and Jess.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm starved. I think I had one bite of bread the entire meal."

"No, you had a piece of lettuce," Rory reminded and Lorelai shuddered.

"Even worse, I ate salad! Man, I could eat a horse. What do you say?"

"I can't say I'm hungry for Black Beauty," Jess said with a grin, "but I could definitely eat something in the pizza category."

"Takeout it is," Lorelai said, getting out her cellphone. "Rory? What do you want?"

"I'm feeling kind of nauseas," Rory said grumpily. "Getting to hear about where you were conceived will do that to a person."

Lorelai patted her on the head and started to dial.

"Just eat some pepperoni and you'll feel better in no time."

She began to order and Jess looked quizzically at Rory.

"You heard where you were conceived?"

"For the sake of your mental health I won't tell you where," Rory said seriously. "Do me a favour and warn me before I ever ride with my mother again."

He laughed and nodded and Lorelai called,

"Warn you about what?"

"The dangers of riding with you!" Rory said, turning to face her. "And the oversharing you won't be ready for!"

"You're one to talk about oversharing – you just told me you had sex on the balcony, right where I made you!"

"Stop saying that!" Rory exclaimed, putting her hands on her ears. "It doesn't make it any less gross!"

"We had sex where your mom conceived you?" Jess asked, looking slightly green. "Wow, I'm glad I didn't know that."

"They say ignorance is bliss," Rory said bitterly, shooting a furious look at her mother. "I was very blissful until twenty minutes ago."

"Hey, you know what would make me blissful?" Lorelai asked. "Not having to hear about you having sex. Seeing it was bad enough, I don't need mental images as well."

"Well, I've just got a mental image of you making me, thanks to your Dear Diary entry and am now mentally scarred for life so we'll both be spending a lot of time in counselling. Maybe we can go together."

There was an awkward silence and Rory shot a look at Jess. He looked ready to laugh and be sick at the same time and Rory bit back a giggle.

"This is the ugly side of our friendship," she said and he shook his head.

"I'm very grateful for Liz right about now."

There was a knock on the door, making them jump, and Rory opened it to see Joe holding six pizza boxes.

"Hi guys," he said. "I hope you're all hungry!"

Somehow they found a way to eat all the pizza and, stretched out on the couch, Lorelai let out a contented yawn.

"Do you guys feel like you've just survived a trip to a dark and dangerous forest where you've been chased by a witch? Because that's the way I always feel after I get home from my parents'."

"Is the witch Grandma?" Rory asked gleefully and Lorelai ignored her, reaching for the bag of chips.

"I can't say I'm overly eager to eat with the grandparents again," Jess commented. "If they're all like that I'm glad mine aren't in the picture."

"I'm sure Luke's parents were great," Lorelai said sadly and he shrugged. "Anyway, I'd say mine were a special breed. Hey, makes your meal here seem like a holiday, doesn't it?"

Jess looked her uncertainly but Lorelai was smiling and he broke into a grin.

"Something like that. I didn't get asked to define myself as an artist, that's always a plus."

Rory looked back and forth at them, heart throbbing hopefully in her chest and she asked in disbelief,

"Do you_ like_ each other?"

"I'd still say he's a bit of a hoodlum," Lorelai said frankly and Jess nodded. "No offence, Jess. But he's survived the wrath of Emily Gilmore, told my father his money doesn't impress him and hasn't run away and well, that's no mean feat."

"So it took insulting Grandma and Grandpa to win you over?" Rory asked incredulously and Lorelai protested,

"Not insulted, stood up to. After all, they'd make pretty scary in-laws."

There was a long, pregnant pause. Lorelai stopped herself, the words out too late and she said hastily,

"Not that – they're just scary to be around if you're together."

"Yeah," Jess said quickly. "I know."

"I think Jess can handle it," Rory said with a nervous laugh. He nodded, they fell into silence again and Lorelai got up and said brightly,

"Who wants icecream?"

The rest of the evening passed pleasantly. Lorelai found an old eighties movie which looked like a suspicious rewrite of _The Breakfast Club_, they laughed until they felt weak yet Rory was uncomfortable throughout and, late that night, after they had gone to bed she couldn't sleep. Jess noticed she was tense and asked,

"Rory, what's getting to you?"

Rory was silent for a moment and then blurted out,

"Jess, I'm not ready to get married."

"What?" Jess asked, sitting up. He looked at her and Rory repeated nervously,

"I can't get married now."

"Okay," Jess said in confusion. "That's probably good seeing as I don't want to get married either."

Rory stared at him, letting out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding.

"You don't?"

"Not right now."

"It's just that Mom made that joke about the in-laws and you made that crack about a dowry..."

"They're the ones acting like we were going to tie the knot, not me."

"Really?" Rory asked and he nodded.

"Really."

She looked at him shyly and he laughed and said,

"Relax," and put his arm around her. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Rory said unhappily. "I guess it's just...I hadn't even thought about it and then you made that joke and Mom made that remark and its freaked me out. I love you Jess, I love you so much but I can't get married. I can't get married now at least, I'm not ready."

"Rory, we haven't even lived together yet," Jess said and she nodded.

"I know, I just got freaked out. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you. I've probably freaked you out now too."

"I'm not freaked out," Jess said firmly and she looked at him unsurely. "I'm not. Look, I don't know if I ever want to get married."

"Ever?" Rory asked and he shrugged.

"Didn't exactly work out for my mom. She'd jump from guy to guy and just thought marriage would fix all of it. It screwed things up even more."

"She's found TJ," Rory argued and he shrugged again.

"She was lucky."

Rory nodded and lay down close to him. Jess looked at her.

"What do you think about it? Getting hitched?"

"Ever the romantic," Rory teased and she sat back up. "I don't know. I think weddings can be kind of beautiful, it's nice to make a vow to someone that you'll love them forever but I don't know. I don't think you need a ceremony for that and I think someone people just do it because they want a ring on their finger."

"Well, I wouldn't marry you for that," Jess said seriously and Rory smiled.

"I know, I wouldn't either. I just think too many people do it for the sake of it, or because they feel that they have to and that's sad. It's sad when it doesn't work out."

Jess nodded and she looked at him.

"What do you think about getting hitched?"

"I'm not the biggest fan," Jess said honestly. "I think way too many people do it for some kind of fairytale thing and then they get sick of each other in the first five years."

"Everyone?" Rory asked and he shrugged.

"Not everyone. If it's with the right person it can work, I guess."

"If it's with the right person," Rory echoed, leaning against him and remembering the proposal she had rejected long ago. She felt sad, knowing she would have been one of the people Jess was talking about and imagined herself suddenly in another life.

"Rory? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You've gone all quiet."

"Just thinking," she said, looking up at him. "Hey, Mom's right you know, if you can survive my grandparents I think you can survive any part of my family."

He laughed and ran his fingers through her hair.

"Well, I say it's your turn."

"What?" Rory asked, confused, and he said,

"You've never met my mom."

"Your mom?" Rory echoed. She had never met Liz, though from all she had heard about her she felt as though she had and although she didn't sound like an exactly intimidating woman she suddenly felt a little anxious.

"And Doula. You should meet both of them, and TJ, if he's around."

"Really?" Rory asked anxiously and he smiled at her.

"Well, we've been dating for a while now and they've asked to meet you for ages."

"They have?" Rory asked and Jess chuckled.

"They won't bite. Come on Rory, I went to dinner with your mom and your grandparents and you just brought up marriage in the middle of the night!"

Rory laughed in spite of herself and gave him a quick kiss.

"Okay, okay. Do you promise they won't hate me?"

"They won't hate you. They'll share too much about their personal life, probably tell some embarrassing stories about me but they won't hate you."

"Embarrassing stories?" Rory grinned. "I can't wait."

"I can."

"Do I get to hear any now?"

"No," Jess said firmly. "Hey, look, it's awfully late."

"Maybe I need a bedtime story."

"Okay. There once was a girl named Rory Gilmore who would rather buy a book than a pair of shoes. She grew up, went to Yale, got a job, fell in love and then she fell mute in the middle of the night."

"How did that happen?"

"She asked too many questions and her voice ran out."

"Hey, you're going out with a Gilmore girl," Rory teased. "That'll never happen."

"Go to sleep, Rory," Jess said, lying down and pulling her down with him. "And relax, I won't ask you to marry me."

"I know," Rory said happily. He knew her like no other. She leant into his arms, closed her eyes and fell into a contented sleep.


	57. Chapter 57

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory woke early the next morning. Light was fighting its way through the crack of her curtains and she carefully eased her way out of the small bed, careful not to wake Jess who was still deeply asleep. A glance at the clock showed it was six.

Rory padded outside into the hall. The house was completely silent, still asleep itself and Rory meandered into the kitchen and made a cup of coffee which she sipped, staring out of the window where day was starting to break. The grass was starting to look greener, the air softer and she hadn't needed to put her robe on over her pyjamas, a sure sign that summer was in the air. Somehow the yard looked different since she had moved out, different every time and Rory frowned, wondering why it should seem so, knowing it defied any kind of logic. She felt sad, suddenly, and turned away from the window. Rory went to the cupboard and dropped in two poptarts which scalded her fingers as they jumped out of the toaster, not quick enough to slide them onto a plate in time. Some things never changed.

"Very nutritious," remarked a voice and Rory jumped herself, almost dropping her food.

"God!" she exclaimed, turning to face her laughing boyfriend. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"No, but that stuff will," Jess said, pointing at her plate. "Do you even know what they put in there?"

"No, but I'm sure resident Healthbot will tell me."

"Additives," Jess said seriously, ignoring her. "Colouring, flavouring, calories –"

"Oh, so you think I'm getting fat?" Rory teased, pretending to be annoyed and Jess retorted,

"No, but keep eating those and you will."

"Hey, I've been training to eat like this my whole life," Rory said defiantly and he smirked. "My system is cast-iron, baby."

"Yeah, well even the best systems can break," Jess said and Rory made a face. "Hey, I just don't want you to develop some kind of insane disease from the crap they put in poptarts."

"Impossible," Rory said blithely. "And you'll still love me if I get fat, right?"

"I'll love you whatever size you are," Jess said, leaning over and giving her a kiss. "Now would you sit down and let me cook you a real breakfast?"

"Yes sir," Rory grinned, sitting down and watching Jess search through their cupboards for something to eat.

"God, it's like your mom is best friends with Mother Hubbard," Jess said grumpily, eventually coming up with some bread, ham and eggs. "How often does she get groceries?"

"Whenever she's had a spat with Luke or when it's time to pay bills, whichever comes first," Rory told him and he laughed, shaking his head. "We'll head over later after breakfast, give you guys a chance to catch up – are you looking forward to seeing him?"

"Yeah," Jess said quickly, hiding his face and Rory frowned but before she could ask further he presented her with a ham omelette with a side of toast.

"I just love being with a man who cooks," Rory grinned, digging in. "It's like going out with the woman from Julie and Julia."

"Which one?"

"I don't know which one – the one who cooked better," Rory said and he chuckled. "Maybe you can write a blog about your cooking prowess and make a movie about us, only I'd be the long suffering girlfriend instead of guy."

"Did you know there was a sequel where she compared having an affair to butchering and talked about her meat obsession?" Jess asked and Rory stared at him.

"Wow. Okay, that's less romantic. You can be the woman who wrote the recipe book then."

"You know, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't keep saying what kind of woman you'd like me to be," Jess said and Rory giggled.

"Hey, I thought you were secure in your masculinity."

"Oh, I'm all man," Jess said in a serious voice, making Rory giggle. "I don't cry, I go and punch a wall instead."

"You must wind up breaking your fingers a lot."

"That's okay, I've got my woman to nurse me better," Jess said and Rory burst into laughter. "I let you bandage me up and I smoke a cigarette and drink beer until the pain goes away. How does that sound to you?"

"Pretty good, as long as you still have a hand to cook with."

"Unbelievable!" Jess exclaimed, bursting into laughter himself. "I should know that you'd be thinking with your stomach."

"Hey, I'll read aloud to you whilst you cook, how about that?" Rory asked and he grinned.

"Deal."

They lapsed into silence. Rory finished her food and went to wash her plate. Jess made some food for himself and Rory went into her bedroom, figuring she should get dressed but not wanting to wake her mother by using the shower. It was still early and she sat on the bed, looking around at the room she had grown up in, almost identical from when she was sixteen. There were still all the travel posters on the wall, places she had mostly all managed to visit and she smiled to herself, remembering the day she had put them up so many years ago, a young girl filled with excitement and optimism. Rory wandered over to the desk and sat down, thinking of all the countless hours she had completed homework there and pulled open a drawer. It was filled with a jumble of old workbooks and odds and ends and, under the book, something was poking out. Rory lifted the books up and stopped and smiled.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, going back into the kitchen where Jess was washing up. "Look what I found!"

Jess dried his hands and looked over to what Rory was excitedly holding for him to see. His eyes widened as they settled on the pile of Kodak prints.

"No way," he said in disbelief, picking one off the top of Rory at sixteen, grinning in her Chilton uniform. "Where did these come from?"

"I don't know, I found them in my desk drawer."

"It looks like you're being swallowed by that skirt."

Rory glanced over his shoulder.

"Oh, that was the day I found out I was going to Chilton," she said, reminiscing. "Mom bought me a skirt and it needed taking in."

"By about five miles," Jess said, going over to the sofa and sitting down. "Jeez, Rory, you look so young."

"I _was_ so young. I hadn't even turned sixteen."

Rory smiled at her younger self, bright and rosy-cheeked and so excited to start at her new school, sure she was going to make great friends, surrounded by like-minded people. That had been somewhat of a wakeup call. It felt so strange looking at that photo – she hadn't even met Dean yet, hadn't even met_ Paris_ yet. It felt so strange to think of her life without her.

"Now there's a sexy outfit," Jess remarked, making her jump. Rory looked over and groaned at the sight of herself in a white, fluffy dress.

"Oh jeez. That was my coming out party."

"Coming out party?" Jess echoed. "To announce that you're..._straight_? Or is there something you want to tell me?"

"Not that kind of coming out!" Rory exclaimed, laughing. "It was for the DAR. I was coming out as a lady to society."

"You're a lady? News to me."

Rory swatted him with a cushion and rolled her eyes.

"It was to please my grandma – my mom was supposed to have one but then there was the slight hiccup of being pregnant, and while no one thought my mom exactly fit the DAR bill she couldn't waltz down a staircase all pure and virginal with the proof that she wasn't under her dress."

"I guess not," Jess said and looked at her. "Did you want to do it?"

Rory shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable.

"I didn't at first. I just wanted to make her happy but it was kind of fun in the end, dressing up like that and having my dad walk me down the staircase. It felt special, even if it was in a twisted, misogynist kind of way."

Jess nodded and then said thoughtfully,

"Guess you liked that stuff even back then, huh?"

"Maybe," Rory said awkwardly. She didn't like to think of herself that way. "A little."

They fell into silence and then Jess chuckled suddenly.

"I remember wondering what the hell you were dressed up like that for."

"What?" Rory asked, laughing. "You weren't there, how can you remember?"

"Because Lady Rory Gilmore came in for a burger and a large side of fries. You looked so funny, with that denim jacket tucked over that ridiculous dress. You might been a lady but you still had that common appetite."

"Me ridiculous?" Rory exclaimed, the memory coming back, recalling Jess in a flannel shirt and baseball cap. "Well, how about you, Mr _I thought this was the uniform?_ What was that about?"

Jess looked confused and then laughed.

"I wanted to see how many shades of purple Luke's face would turn. It was a real bonding moment, almost beat the time he pushed me in the lake."

"I'm still sorry I missed that."

"Get me to piss Luke off and maybe you'll get a replay."

They laughed together and Rory flicked through the rest of the photos: her with Lane, pretending to play the drums, hugging her mother in the diner and another one of her and Lane when they were five and giving gaptoothed smiles to the camera, early in kindergarten. Rory put it aside and decided to show Lane later.

"Hey, what's this?"

Jess held up a photo and Rory saw that it was a picture of him working in the diner aged around eighteen, unaware of the camera and smiling about something.

"I don't remember taking that," Rory said, confused. "I 'm sure I didn't take that photo – I know I didn't."

"So who did then?"

Jess looked at her and Rory stared back, totally at a loss.

"Rise and shine!" came a sudden, cheery voice and they turned to see Lorelai skip down the stairs and then stop in surprise. "Or, get up off the couch because you've already risen and shone."

"Mom, did you take this?" Rory asked, holding up the photo of Jess and Lorelai furrowed her brow.

"Why would I take a picture of Jess?"

"I have no idea," Rory confessed. "But it's in my photo collection and I didn't take it."

"It's a mystery to me," Lorelai shrugged and then pounced on the picture of Rory and Lane. "Oh, what's this? So cute!"

"We look like we need false teeth, Mom."

"You look adorable," Lorelai crooned, putting an arm around Rory. "Where did my little baby go?"

"She grew into one of these," Jess said, holding up the photo of Rory in her DAR dress and Lorelai burst into laughter.

After getting dressed and having some more breakfast the three set out to Luke's. It was a beautiful morning and everyone was out but not, to Rory's disappointment, Lane and her kids. They were halfway to the diner when Lorelai stopped and groaned.

"What?" Rory asked curiously and Lorelai said unhappily,

"I forgot my coupon."

"Your _coupon_?"

"You don't understand, Rory," Lorelai said seriously. "Taylor Doose is stocking a special type of candy, a new kind of candy and last night I found a coupon for it. It says I don't have to a pay one cent for an entire bag, which will blow Taylor's mind, and I wanted today to be candy day!"

"So go get it when we get back!"

"It won't be the same!" Lorelai cried. "It means I'll have to go home and then go back out and I wanted to do it one fell swoop, whatever the hell that means, I'm not going to do any swooping, and what does that expression mean, anyhow, you swoop and fell?"

Rory ignored her and said,

"You can't go home and walk two minutes back?"

"We can eat some candy on the way home," Lorelai said excitedly. "Look, I'll meet you guys there, okay?"

"Okay," Rory said, giving up. "We'll order for you."

"Don't forget extra bacon!" Lorelai called, already running away and they watched her jump out of the way of a kid on a scooter.

"You know, sometimes I wonder how you got to be the way you are," Jess remarked, coughing back a laugh. "And then we go see your mother."

"Shut up," Rory said, elbowing him. "Aren't I seeing your mother soon? I can find out how you got to be so charming."

That wiped the smile off Jess's face.

"I am not like Liz," he said hotly. "Don't get me started – I am not like her or Jimmy, okay?"

"Okay," Rory said and he added,

"If I was like my mom I'd have spent the last ten years permanently stoned."

Rory nodded and he said in a more gentle, ashamed tone,

"She's not a bad person and she's got it together but I'm not like her – I'm not. I'm not like either of my parents."

They walked the last part of the way in silence, breaking it by the jangle of the bell over the door. The diner was empty and Luke stopped in surprise, putting the cloth he was wiping tables with down on the counter.

"What are you two doing here?"

"Here to see my favourite uncle," Jess said, sounding slightly sarcastic. "Going to say hello?"

"Hello," Luke said, sounding slightly shocked and Rory walked over and gave him a hug.

"Aren't you glad to see us?"

"Of course I'm glad to see you," Luke said fondly, hugging her back. "I've missed you. I've missed both of you – what are you doing here?"

"Here to see Mom, of course," Rory said, hugging him a little longer despite knowing he felt a little awkward. "How's it going?"

"It's going good," Luke said, ushering them over to the counter. "And I'd say the morning just picked up. Can I get you guys anything? I know you want coffee but anything else?"

"How about some honesty?" Jess asked angrily, making his girlfriend and uncle stop and stare at him. "How about telling me why you'd forgotten to tell me you were talking to my dad?"

Luke stared at him in disbelief and asked,

"Talking to him? I haven't been talking to him."

"You've been writing to him," Jess retorted. "Emailing him, haven't you? How come you never let me know you were penpals?"

Luke looked at him, taken aback.

"Jess –"

"Telling him about my life?" Jess exclaimed, sounding hurt. "Sending him updates, discussing your screw-up of a nephew and son?"

"Jess, it was not like that!" Luke said hotly. "For one thing, we both know you're far from a screw-up and second of all, it wasn't like I was doing it behind your back."

"Oh no? So how come the only time I found out about this was when I went for lunch with Daddy Dearest?"

"I didn't want to upset you," Luke said pleadingly. "And he emailed me after you'd left, that summer, asking if you were okay and while I know Jimmy doesn't get to be let off the hook for anything I couldn't just leave the guy hanging. I told him you were in New York, nothing more, and he emailed me every few months to ask if I knew you were okay. I had to tell him that, didn't I?"

"You didn't have to tell him anything," Jess snapped. "And now he's telling everyone about his smart son who writes books so people can be impressed by him and think he didn't mess something up in his life!"

"Jess," Rory started to say but he ignored her and glared at his uncle, who looked hurt and confused.

"You never said anything about this on the phone."

"Well, what good's a phone?" Jess asked angrily. "You can say all kind of bullshit over that."

Luke paused, looking like he was searching for the right words.

"I'm sorry," he said seriously. "I wasn't trying to go behind your back or give Jimmy an excuse for how he is. I just wanted him to know you were okay and I wanted to know you'd made something of yourself. I didn't tell you because...well, I don't know why. I didn't want to hurt you. You were doing so well and you didn't need that hanging over you too."

"Would everyone just stop lying to me!" Jess shouted, making Luke and Rory jump. "I wish people would just be _straight_ with me, goddammit! Protect me – I'm nearly thirty, for God's sake! I'm not that kid who got off the bus anymore!"

"Jess –"

"My whole life won't fall apart if you tell me the truth," Jess said, getting off the stool. "You know what does screw it up? People saying one thing and stabbing me in the back."

"Jess!" Luke said, sounding hurt and Jess added,

"Just like Liz, when she said whatever happened we'd work it out and then she shoved me on a bus to Stars Hollow because I was too much. Guess lying runs in the family, huh?"

Luke looked like he'd been hit, like he was about to cry and Rory couldn't take it.

"Jess, that's not fair," she said angrily and Jess shot her a look, turned and marched out of the diner, slamming the door behind him and the bell nearly breaking.

Rory looked at Luke. There was a long, awkward silence and then he said in a broken voice,

"Well, I screwed that up royally, didn't I? Guess he's right, all in the Danes' genes."

"He's not right," Rory said angrily. "Don't pay attention to him, Luke, he's mad and he's not thinking straight. He's hurt."

"I should have told him," Luke said quietly. "He's right, he deserved to know. Maybe I shouldn't have emailed Jimmy in the first place. Hell, he doesn't deserve to know a thing about his kid, Jess was never his kid, but I couldn't let him think he'd been hit by a bus or something, I don't know. And I wanted him to know that Jess had done something with that brain of his. I don't know where he got it from but it's better being used to write books than putting out crap in Walmart. I knew he could do it."

"I know you did," Rory said gently, going round the corner and putting a hand on his arm. "And I think you should have told him but I get why you didn't."

"He's my nephew," Luke said, seeming afraid to reach her eyes. "And I know he's grown up but I just don't want his father to screw him up more than he already has. I'm tired of people doing that to him."

"Me too," Rory said quietly. "Me too."

They stood in silence for a moment and then Rory walked back round.

"I'm going to go find him," she said, giving Luke a sad smile. "Try and get him to see why you did it."

"I wouldn't count on that," Luke said sadly. "Bye, Rory."

"Bye, Luke."

It didn't take long for Rory to find Jess. He was standing in the middle of the bridge, throwing pebbles into the water and she went and stood next to him.

"You were really unfair to Luke back there," she said quietly and Jess threw another stone into the water.

"Figured you say that."

"Well, you were," Rory said angrily. "Luke should have told you but he didn't because he didn't want to hurt you."

"I'm a big boy, Rory, I can take hearing about my father."

"How would you have handled hearing that he was emailing Luke?" Rory asked and Jess snapped,

"I don't know but I'd have handled it and I'd take that over finding out I've been lied to for oh, roughly ten years."

"Luke wasn't lying to you," Rory said and he scoffed. "I don't think he wanted to, at least. I get why you're mad but Luke did it because he cares about you, Jess. He was trying to make the best of a crappy situation."

"Good old Saint Luke," Jess said nastily. "Polishing the halo every time he helps a Stars Hollow citizen out."

That made Rory angry and she walked around to face him, resisting the urge to imitate Luke and push Jess into the lake herself.

"Luke has always been there for you," she said furiously. "He's always been there for everyone, I'm not even his daughter and he's been there for me ever since I was in elementary school. I get that you're mad, you're right to be mad but don't take it out on Luke. He'd done nothing but look out for you, look out for both of us and I'd say he was a better father than both of ours put together."

"Rory, stop!" Jess shouted, losing his temper. "You don't get it! You think that because you have father issues you understand, you know how I feel? You know what it feels like for someone you trust to have gone behind your back, gone to the person you distrust most in the world and not said anything about it? Not said anything for ten years, acted like he'd never talked to the guy and his excuse is that he doesn't want to _hurt_ you? Like you're back in high school and your mom doesn't want you home for Christmas and he has to make up some fucking lie about wanting you to stay? Do you know how that feels? Do you?"

"No," Rory said, after a stunned moment. "I don't know but I will if you talk to me. Please talk to me."

"I would talk to you," Jess said, turning away. "But I know all I'll hear is about how I was a jerk to Luke who can't do anything wrong, that I've got no right to feel how I feel."

"Jess, stop!" Rory exclaimed but he was already walking away, not looking back and leaving her alone. Rory picked up all the pebbles he had left, threw them into the middle of the water with a furious splash, sat down on the bridge and wept.


	58. Chapter 58

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Lorelai walked out of Doose's with a large bag of candy in her hands and a large grin on her face. She was just crossing the street, wondering when to start the sugar rush, when Jess barrelled past, nearly knocking her over and Lorelai shouted,

"Whoa!"

"Sorry," Jess said, glancing over but not looking her in the eye. "I didn't see you."

"Jess, what's wrong?" Lorelai exclaimed, seeing how upset he was. "Has something happened with Rory?"

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" Jess snapped, starting to walk away. "She thinks she's such an expert on everything."

"Hey!" Lorelai shouted, running over and blocking his path. "I'm not asking Rory, Jess, I'm asking you: what's happened? What's going on?"

"You know, why don't you just go ask Luke?" Jess exclaimed angrily. "You used to sleep with him, I'm sure you're on his mailing list where every damn single person gets to hear about my life."

Lorelai blinked totally lost.

"Mailing list? Luke? What does he have to do with it?"

"Forget it," Jess snarled. "I'm going for a walk."

"A walk?" Lorelai called. "It's Stars Hollow, you'll be back here in five minutes!"

Jess ignored her, stormed past and left Lorelai alone on the corner.

Lorelai stood still for a moment, unsure of what to do. She felt that she should go and find Rory and see if she was okay but she was concerned about Luke too and, as she was standing almost opposite the diner, she decided to go to him first and find out what the hell the mailing list comment had been about. She walked along the sidewalk, neatly ducking a banner about Stars Hollow's Summer Festival and pushed the diner door open.

Luke did not look up when the bell jangled. He was sitting slumped at the counter, wiping the same spot on the counter over and over and said in a dead, automatic voice,

"Take a seat and I'll be with you in a minute."

"Hey!" Lorelai exclaimed, taking a quick glance around at the few other customers and going over to him. "Luke! What's going on?"

Luke looked up but didn't smile.

"Oh, it's you. Sorry, Lorelai."

"Luke, what's happened?" Lorelai asked desperately, pulling up a stool and sitting opposite. "I was coming over just now and Jess practically ran me over. He had this awful look on this face, like someone had died or something, and when I asked him what was wrong he shouted that I should go ask you and that I'd be on your mailing list. What's he talking about, what the hell's happened?"

Luke didn't say anything and Lorelai put a hand to her mouth.

"Oh God – someone hasn't died, have they? I suck. I'm the worst person, Luke. Is everyone okay?"

"No one's died," Luke said in a tired voice and Lorelai let out a sigh of relief. "Everyone's okay – well, no, they're hardly skipping for joy but no one's at death's door."

"So...what did happen?" Lorelai asked tentatively. "Can you tell me?"

Luke's mouth set into a hard line and for a moment Lorelai thought he wouldn't say anything at all. A moment later he sighed, took his cap off and said,

"Jess found out that I've been emailing his father for the past ten years without telling him and he thinks I've betrayed him."

Lorelai stared at him for a moment. Luke wouldn't look up, his voice sounded on the verge of tears and she asked,

"Do you have a _closed for five minutes_ sign?"

"What?" Luke asked, finally looking up. "Why would I need one of those?"

"Because you're closing for five minutes," Lorelai said firmly, grabbing a piece of paper and scribbling the words down. "Do you have any sticky tape?"

"You can't do that!" Luke exclaimed and Lorelai glimpsed some behind the counter, exclaiming happily and taking some. "Lorelai!"

"I can so," Lorelai said, going to the door and sticking the paper up before turning to face the other customers. "Everyone, we have to close for five minutes. Sorry for the inconvenience, free coffee on me."

"Lorelai!" Luke exclaimed as the customers grumpily got up and stated to file out. "I can't give them all free coffee!"

"Yes, you can, or I can. Luke, forget them," Lorelai said, shutting the door behind the last patron and going back to sit down. "Tell me what happened."

"I just told you what happened."

"Something beyond the Cliff Notes version."

Luke sighed and sat down as well.

"Do you remember when Jess broke up with Rory?"

"Yeah," Lorelai said, almost adding a witty comment but biting it back. "I remember pretty well."

"And do you remember how to ran off to see his dad, over in California?"

"Yeah."

"And do you remember when he came back that winter and almost spent a night in my car?"

"Luke," Lorelai said gently. "I can remember all of that."

He looked at her, seeming nervous suddenly and Lorelai took his hand on instinct.

"Tell me," she said softly and a for a moment Luke didn't say anything but stared at her hand. For a moment Lorelai thought he was going to shake it away but he instead looked up, took a deep breath and started the story.

"It was when he ran off," Luke said heavily. "Right after he left Rory. He hadn't left a note or anything but I knew he'd gone to his father's. I just knew he'd gone to that lowlife and even though I was mad at Jess, mad for giving up on himself I wanted to check he was okay so I found Jimmy's email address."

"How'd you find it?"

"Liz had it," Luke said with a bitter laugh. "Don't ask me why."

"His mom had it?" Lorelai echoed. "Wow, were they still in contact? No wonder Jess is – was – sorry, I didn't mean to butt in."

"No, it's okay," Luke said. "I'm pretty sure they weren't in touch. I asked her how she had it and it was some long-winded story about this girlfriend getting it from this ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend...anyway, all that doesn't matter. I had to check that Jess was okay so I emailed him. I just asked if he had got there okay and if Jimmy was giving him food and shelter."

"That's totally understandable, I'd have done the same. You did the right thing."

"The right thing would have been to go over there and get him back," Luke said sadly. "But I was just proud, I guess, and mad at him and I told myself he was eighteen and he didn't need me. I was a jerk."

"Luke, he was eighteen," Lorelai said gently. "You couldn't have made him do anything."

"I could have tried," Luke retorted and Lorelai fell silent. "Well, anyway, Jimmy replied to say he was there for the summer. I tried to put it out of my mind for a while and then Jess just showed up at my door, with cops none the less, busted for stealing his own car. Charming family reunion and you know what happened there. He'd been back a day or so when Jimmy emails me, saying Jess has gone and that he didn't think he was coming back and if he was okay."

"So you replied."

"So I replied," Luke said with a sigh. "I told him he was home, that he was staying with me for a little while and that he could relax. Had a whole bunch of other things to say to him too but I kept it short. I figured that would be the end of our lovely correspondence. I thought about telling Jess but he was in a bad place, still pretty messed up and I didn't want to bring his father into the mix and, anyway, I didn't think I'd get any more emails."

"It was easier for you not to," Lorelai said frankly and he nodded.

"I didn't want to think that, but pretty much. I justified it by thinking I'd never hear from Jimmy again anyway."

"You did," Lorelai stated and he nodded.

"About six months later. He asked if Jess was still okay, what he was doing and I nearly ignored it, Lorelai. I don't think Jimmy deserves to know a thing about Jess, after all he's only his dad when it suits him, but I didn't want him to think Jess was lying dead in an alley somewhere. I thought he should at least know he was okay so I told him he was in Manhattan and that Liz was getting married, that I thought this husband was going to last. He said good for her, good for Jess and I figured that was the end of it."

"Obviously it wasn't," Lorelai said and he nodded. "When did he email you again?"

"God, I guess about five months later. I'd get emails roughly every five, six months asking what Jess was doing and even though I knew he didn't deserve it I'd reply. I'd never put anything personal in there, like who he was with or where he was living but I'd say he was okay, that he was doing fine and when he started that publishing house and wrote a book I was so proud, Lorelai. I was so goddamn proud."

Luke spoke fiercely and Lorelai smiled.

"I know."

"Here's this kid who was born to a mom who kept leaving him alone or with jerks of boyfriends, whose favourite pastime was sparking up and a dad...well, he never even had a dad. He lived through all that, handled getting sent here to live with me when he was dealing with all that crap and he...he grew up, Lorelai. He used his mind for something other than driving a forklift truck or playing a prank and he's an author and I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know that his son wasn't a screw-up, I wanted him to know he'd made something of himself and I wanted him to feel ashamed for bailing on this kid who's grown into this man."

"You should be proud," Lorelai said and Luke nodded and then shook his head.

"I shouldn't have told him, or at least, I should have told Jess instead of hiding it. It was just that these emails were only twice a year, he was doing so well and I didn't want to mess him up."

Lorelai was silent and Luke sighed.

"You're thinking he had a right to know."

"Yes, I am," Lorelai said honestly, looking up. "Yes, he did, no matter how painful it would have been to hear. He had a right to know and you should have told him."

"Yeah, I know," Luke said quietly and Lorelai took his hand again.

"I do understand why you didn't," she went on to say. "You might have done the wrong thing but as a mom I totally get why you did it. You just wanted to protect him, Luke and I'm not mad at you for that."

Luke nodded and sighed, looking old suddenly.

"I should have told him. I think I was being kind of selfish. There are very few people in this world I seriously, intensely dislike –"

"Um, Taylor Doose, Kirk when he orders too much, Christopher, everyone in this town during a festival, anyone who goes behind your counter –"

"Okay, okay," Luke said, cutting her off. "There are lots of people who annoy me but very few I actually hate. Christopher's in the running but forget the rest. That's not the point anyway, the point is Jimmy fits the bill. He is the most irresponsible, uncaring piece of work I ever met. He dates my sister and she's freaking starry-eyed: _Luke, he's so exotic, he's like a traveller, you know what I'm saying?_ Oh, I knew what she was saying," Luke said bitterly. "He was going to be another one of those jerks who would dump her whenever he gets bored, because he has to go where the road takes him."

"And he did?"

"Oh, it's better than that, Lorelai. He gets her pregnant. I told her to be realistic, I told her she was nineteen and didn't have a lot of money and to think hard about having it and what does Jimmy say? _Marry me, Lizzie! We'll be a real family!_ And she was so happy, and I had to be happy for her when I just wanted to strangle the sonofabitch and they get married and it's all fine and dandy."

"Until..."

"Until the baby comes. Until she goes into labour and he's freaking out so I'm the one who drove her to the hospital and I'm the one who had to go in the room with her because he looked like he was going to faint any second. So I sat in the room with her for god knows how many hours while he paces around outside and I went out and told him he had a son. He didn't even smile. He just looked at me and said, _oh...neat. _Like I'd told him he'd won ten bucks on a scratchcard or something!"

"Luke," Lorelai said sadly but he ignored her and carried on.

"And I asked him if he wanted to come in and hold him. I said Liz wanted to see him so he stuck his head around the door. He saw her holding him, he went a pure white and then he said he was going to go and run for some diapers and he'd meet us later. _Great plan_, we said, and then we came home and found a wedding ring on the table and a note which just said _sorry_."

"Oh, Luke."

"I held Jess before his own father did," Luke said in a broken voice. "How messed up is that?"

"It's very messed up," Lorelai said quietly and Luke let out a bitter laugh.

"He deserves to know squat about Jess," he said angrily. "If he wanted to know he should had got in his car and gone to see him, only that would have meant thinking about someone other than himself. He didn't deserve an email. He went to see him, did Rory tell you? He was selling a boat to some guy in Connecticut and I get a message asking if Jess is still on the East coast and he can see him for a _bite_. He can see his son for the first time in ten years for a _bite_. And what does he do, in typical Jimmy fashion? He goes to see him, doesn't understand why his kid is mad and goes and tells him about the emails! He lands all that on him and now Jess is betrayed, probably hates me and never wants to see me ever again."

"Oh Luke, I'm sure he doesn't hate you. He's going to be mad at you for a while but he doesn't hate you."

"You didn't hear how he talked to me," Luke said miserably. "And I don't blame him."

"Luke," Lorelai said, her heart breaking. "Listen to me, we all screw up as parents. You don't know how many times I've screwed up, it comes with the package."

"Lorelai, you produced_ Rory_. Don't tell me you screwed up with her."

"Rory is wonderful, she's amazing," Lorelai said. "And the best kid I could ever have and friend but I still made mistakes with her. She's made mistakes."

"Yeah, she has, as an adult."

"And probably half the choices we make are because of what our parents have taught us. I go over that time in my mind, the time she dropped out of Yale and ran to my grandparents and I wonder, constantly, where I went wrong."

"It wasn't your fault, Lorelai."

"It was my fault!" Lorelai exclaimed, sounding suddenly tearful. "Part of it was. I don't know if it was because I spoiled her sometimes or because I was too harsh when she came to me – I gave her an ultimatum, when she came to me, and she ran. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should have taken a deep breath, told her it wasn't okay but I was still there. That she could sit and talk it all out, all that was messing her up and why she was feeling this way rather than getting mad. Maybe if I'd done that she would have seen sense instead of hiding away in Hartford all those months."

"Lorelai, I think that no matter what you'd have said or done, Rory would have still done what she did," Luke said gently. "I think it was something she had to go through. Even if you had said something else, done something different, you can't know if things would have gone another way. It's in the past and it's over. You can't fix past mistakes."

"Exactly," Lorelai said, looking up at him. "You need to take your own advice, Luke Danes. You've made a mistake and it's in the past."

Luke shook his head.

"If Jimmy hadn't told Jess it would still be secret now."

"Luke, don't go into _what-ifs_. He does know, that's the point, and you're sorry. You did something wrong for the right reasons and I think Jess knows that. I don't know him too well but I know he does and I know he doesn't hate you."

"You think?" Luke asked and Lorelai leant over and whispered gently,

"I _promise_."

Luke nodded and frowned as Lorelai pushed the tub of candy across to him.

"For you."

"Lorelai, I can't take all your candy," Luke said, bursting into laughter and Lorelai insisted,

"I want you to."

"Split it," Luke said, Lorelai nodded and they divided the sweets between them.

"I should head off," Lorelai said apologetically, catching sight of the clock. "I should go find Rory plus I think we've been shut for longer than five minutes."

"Way longer. It's on your head," Luke said but he grinned as he said it.

"I'll take it. Did Jess and Rory have a fight?"

"They looked like they were going to."

Lorelai sighed and slid off the stool.

"I'll go and make sure she's okay."

"Guess I should talk to Jess," Luke said and Lorelai nodded and shot him a smile.

"I do promise, Luke," she said seriously. "I really do."

Rory was still sitting on the bridge, crying the last of her tears when she felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see her mother smiling in concern.

"Hey, kid. I heard what happened."

"All of it?" Rory asked with a sob and Lorelai sat down next to her.

"Some. I heard what happened at Luke's. Want to fill me in on the rest?"

"It was horrible," Rory said in a wobbly voice. "We went into the diner and we were just talking, catching up and then Jess was just yelling at Luke, saying all these awful things. He was so mad and Luke was so upset and I yelled at Jess and then he yelled at me and now I don't even know where he is. It's a mess."

"Oh, honey."

"He was so awful to Luke," Rory said in a choked voice. "The things he said, Mom – how could he talk to him that way?"

"Because he's hurt, sweetie. How would you feel if I'd emailed your father for years without you knowing about it?"

"I know Dad," Rory said and Lorelai sighed.

"If he was out of the picture, I mean. If I was talking to your other grandmother without you knowing – how would that feel?"

"Awful," Rory admitted. "I know why he's mad, Mom, it was just the look on Luke's face..."

"Luke'll be okay. They both will."

"I really messed up just then," Rory cried. "I know I said all the wrong things."

"Oh, Rory. Do you want to go home?"

"No," Rory said, after a pause. "I just want to be alone."

"Okay," Lorelai said. She kissed her cheek, held her tightly to her and pressed something into her hand. When she had gone Rory looked down and saw a handful of candy in her palm.

For a while Rory sat with her legs dangling over the side of the bridge, looking at the wobbly mirror of herself in the water. Her face dipped and blurred, clear one moment and a mess the next and Rory pulled her face away. She knew she should go and find Jess but just as she got to her feet to do so she looked up and saw Jess walking back towards her. She ran towards him, stumbling into his arms and he held her in a tight embrace.

"I'm sorry," Rory cried. "I'm sorry I was a jerk."

"You weren't a jerk."

"Yes, I was. I'm so sorry."

Jess wiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed her heavily. They stood still for a moment and then Jess sat down on the same spot where Rory had been just before, staring into the water. Rory didn't know what to say for a moment.

"I'm sorry," Rory said gently, going and sitting next to him. "I'm so sorry, Jess. I didn't mean to give you a lecture."

He didn't look up and Rory leaned closer to him.

"I'm so sorry," she said and finally he looked up and shook his head, traces of tears on his face.

"Hell," he said, glancing at her. "It's not your fault."

"I still said the wrong thing, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

"Probably not," Jess said simply. "But maybe I shouldn't have yelled at Luke like that either."

"You've a right to be mad," Rory said and he nodded, not looking up.

"Jess, I'm sorry if it sounded like I didn't care," Rory said haltingly. "Like I didn't think it was a big deal."

"I know you don't think that."

Jess's voice was tight and he still wouldn't look at her. Rory thought she caught the glimpse of another tear on his cheek.

"I know I can't understand how it feels," Rory continued. "And I'm sorry if it came out that way."

Jess finally looked at her and took her hand.

"I'm sorry I yelled that you having father issues wasn't the same," he said, looking into her eyes. "I didn't mean – I know you have your own crap too."

"It's not the same," Rory said. "I know my dad can be a jerk but he's been around. He's never...look, I know I don't know how you feel about Jimmy. I can't know."

"I shouldn't have made out that your stuff with your dad doesn't matter," Jess said, not breaking her gaze. "Because it does matter and I know it hurts you. I'm sorry if it sounded like I didn't care or something."

"I shouldn't have mentioned my dad," Rory said shyly. "I shouldn't have made it about my own stuff."

"You weren't."

"I think I was, a little."

"You just didn't want me to hurt Luke," Jess said heavily. "And I can't be mad at you for that."

"I'm sorry I didn't just listen to you," Rory said. "I'm not always great at that and I'm sorry."

"I'm not great at keeping my temper," Jess said and he looked up at her. "I don't think either of us are great at finding the right words sometimes."

"I'd say you were doing pretty well," Rory said and he laughed.

"We're both writers, we have to try."

She laughed as well and he squeezed her hand.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"We're both sorry," Jess said. "There's something, right?"

Rory nodded and he wiped the tears away on his cheek.

"Can't pretend to be all man now, can I?" he asked, giving her a crooked grin and Rory kissed him where the tears had been.

"You're the strongest man I know," she said. He looked at her, kissed her properly and then looked down at her palm.

"Is that candy?"

"Yep. Courtesy of Lorelai Gilmore."

"This is the strangest town I know."

"So...do you want to talk about it?" Rory asked hesitantly and he shook his head.

"Not right now. I can't right now."

"That's okay," Rory said gently. "Let's just sit."

Jess nodded, held her hand tightly and stared into the river. Rory passed him some sweets and they shared the candy between them, sitting in silence and looking into the depths below, twin Rory and Jesses caught in the water. Rory wished they could stay suspended forever.


	59. Chapter 59

**Thanks everyone for the kind comments! As I said before, while I love Rory and Jess I think the reason their relationship failed in the third series was due to their immaturity and inability to communicate. I think Jess needed time on his own, time to figure out who he was and Rory needed to go through what she did and grow up herself. I think that after the sixth series they were completely ready for each other, both had grown up and while I think they would have had some problems they would be able to handle them together. Literati is the ultimate!**

Rory and Jess sat on the bridge with their feet dangling over the water. They held hands and sat in silence and Rory remembered their first time there together, seventeen and unable to stop her smile about the wrong guy getting her basket. She felt old, suddenly, and glanced over at Jess who was staring down at this reflection, a muscle working in his jaw. The day of the picnic felt a world away.

"God, it sucks, doesn't it?" Jess said suddenly, making Rory jump. She looked at to see him still staring at the water.

"Yeah, it does," she agreed softly.

"You think you have it figured," Jess said angrily. "Figured as far as you can, anyway. My family's messed up. I've known that my whole life, I've been mad about it for most of it but I'd got a handle on it. I thought I had. I have a lot of stuff with Liz but she's sorry and she's okay now, okay in her own crazy way, and even though I have a deadbeat dad I thought it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. I've got Luke and Liz and I decided that the rest didn't matter, I never needed Jimmy. I've got pretty far without him, haven't I? I thought it was over, done. Just me, Liz, Luke and Doula and TJ, I guess, though I don't think I'll ever figure out what the hell my mom sees in him. One happy, slightly screwed up family. God, what a joke."

"Jess. It's not a joke."

"It is a joke!" Jess exclaimed angrily. "We're the poster family for what happens when you screw up with kids!"

"Jess, that is not true."

"Come on, Rory. My mom ran wild her whole life, skipped town as soon as she left high school and then gets knocked up with yours truly, marries the jerk who doesn't care about her and then gets abandoned. She can't handle it, can't handle me so decides the best thing to do is throw me on a bus without asking me how I feel about it. _You'll thank me, Jess, you'll see. Your uncle's not a disappointment like me, it's good for both of us. My big brother's always looked out for me_. So why wasn't she trying harder?" Jess demanded furiously. "Why didn't she ever try?"

"I don't know," Rory said quietly and Jess angrily continued,

"So I get shoved on this bus to the middle of nowhere and everyone just pretends it's no big deal, that none of it matters that Liz didn't care. That's how it felt, anyway," he added as he saw Rory open her mouth to contradict. "But then I didn't hate it quite as much as I thought, Luke wasn't crazy, he was a decent guy, I met you and things weren't quite as shitty and then I fucked all that up."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. I was a jerk. I messed up with school, I messed up with Luke and I really messed things up with you and so I decide the smart thing to do is to grab a bus to the other side of the country and see the guy who couldn't even stand to look at me when I was born, who couldn't even be in the room."

"Was it awful?" Rory asked quietly. He had never told her much about that summer and Jess let out a bitter laugh.

"No, it wasn't, and that's kind of what makes it worse. I liked being there. I missed you and I missed Luke but aside from that it didn't suck. He had this kooky girlfriend and she had this insane kid, but she was insane in a good way, you know? She read books in closets, probably to get away from her nutty family, now that I think about it. Maybe she was the sanest one. Anyway, I ended up crashing there among a freaking zoo of stray animals, hung out with some skaters and thought it could have gone a hell of a lot worse. Then I knew I had to go...you know that feeling, don't you?"

"Yeah," Rory said, thinking back to the time she'd left her grandparents' in the lowest part of her life. "I know."

"I couldn't just hang around Venice Beach anymore while Jimmy cooked hotdogs and I'd wander the boardwalk looking for a new bookstore. I had to go and do something, figure myself out. Jimmy even said I could stay but when I did leave he was kind of weird. It was like when I met him the first time, in Luke's and we won the award for the Most Awkward Father and Son contest. He just said _see you, kid_ and that was that."

Jess paused for breath, swallowing and Rory squeezed his hand tightly.

"I figured I wouldn't hear from him for a while," Jess said eventually. "I wasn't stupid, but I thought I'd hear something somewhere down the line, but forget it. Not one solitary word and then I woke up to the fact that he didn't care."

Rory wasn't sure if that was all true but checked herself. Jess had a fierce kind of look on his face and she knew no one had heard these stories before.

"So I just decided it was time to forget it," Jess said in a tight voice. "Time to move on, or whatever empowering phrase you'd like to choose from a self-help book. So I did, you know? I bummed around for a year, made an idiot of myself in front of you –"

"You did not make an idiot out of yourself," Rory interrupted hotly and Jess gave a wry laugh.

"Well, they said people in love are idiots. Something like that. Some Shakespeare phrase which got bastardised by the masses."

Rory didn't know what to say but Jess moved on before she could find an answer.

"I got that you didn't want to be with me, weren't ready to be with me and I kind of knew, deep down, I had to figure myself out more first. So I found a job, went to some classes, met some decent people and for the first time in my life I didn't feel like punching the wall about something. I felt good and when I did feel like hell I wrote, instead. I took all the crap and I just wrote. When I wrote I felt in control, I felt like someone more than who I am, you know?"

"Jess –"

"God, I really sound like I'm reading self-help books, don't I?" Jess asked with a crooked grin. "Turning my negative energy into positive and all that. Maybe I am Liz's son after all, she goes in for all that crap."

"It's not stupid," Rory said fiercely, looking at him. "Writing the way you did – you should be proud of it and not apologise to anyone."

"I guess," Jess said after a pause. "I am. I am proud of it and when I found out my book was getting published I didn't even give Jimmy I thought. I thought about Liz, I thought about Luke, I thought about you most of all and I was happy, Rory. I felt good about myself and it didn't seem to matter anymore, him not caring. I didn't care. I had my life, I had the people who actually did care about me and I've not given him a real thought in about eight years. I was fine."

"You are fine."

"I was fine," Jess said, giving a laugh with no humour to it. "And now I find out all this. Jimmy's been emailing Luke, so now I don't get it – does he care? If he does care why didn't he ask me how my life was going instead of letting me think that he didn't? I can't figure out if things would have gone differently if I had known and now –damn, Rory, I hate this. I don't want all I do or feel to be because of who my father is to me."

"It's not. You're not. You are so much more than that."

"So why I am I so messed up about this?" Jess asked in a shaking voice. "Why do I keep thinking about it, why he did it? Why did Luke do this?"

"Jess –"

"I thought that even if the rest of my family were insane I had Luke," Jess said, staring down at the water again. "My mom was nuts and my father was a joke but Luke was there, he told me off when I needed it but he cared. He bailed me out, gave me a place to live and he cared, Rory. He actually cared about what I was going to do with my life. I mean, Liz cared that I didn't end up dead or shooting up heroin somewhere but I don't think she cared beyond that."

"Oh, Jess."

"And now I find out Luke's been talking to Jimmy, telling him all this stuff about my life!" Jess said, his voice wobbling slightly. "And he didn't even bother to tell me! How can you trust someone after that, Rory? How can I trust him the same way again?"

"I don't know," Rory said gently and he shook his head.

"it's like what Tolstoy said."

"What did he say?"

"You know what he said – all families are unhappy in their own way."

"You what else he said?" Rory asked and Jess shrugged. "Happy families are all alike. Every family is messed up."

"Well, mine set the trend," Jess said angrily. "No question about that."

Rory didn't know what to say and he let out a low sigh.

"Your family never leave you, do they?" he asked in a weary voice. "I can make peace with my mother, run a publishing house and write a book, write two but I hear about my father and it's like I'm eighteen and mad at the world again. I am mad. I wish I could...God, I don't know. Feel like I felt when I heard my book was going to be published and knew the rest didn't matter."

"Jess," Rory said, swallowing the sudden lump in her throat. "I..."

Her words trailed off. She wanted to say how much she admired him, how much she wished she could have his strength but her mind couldn't find the right words.

"I'm sorry," she said eventually and Jess looked at her.

"Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance," she said, suddenly feeling afraid to look into his eyes. "When you came to my dorm that time."

"Rory, you know it was right for you not to come with me."

"Maybe," she said, letting out a shuddering voice. "But I'm sorry I just pushed you away like that. I'm sorry I didn't let you stay."

"I left."

"I should have stopped you, I should have said something else. I couldn't leave with you but I shouldn't have let you go. I should have let you talk, let you say what you needed to say and listened. I'm so sorry, Jess. I'm sorry."

"We always know what we should do when it's too late," Jess said, putting his arm around her. "I shouldn't have blurted it out like I did and freaked you out."

"How else could you say it?"

"I don't know," Jess said, looking at her. "I really don't."

They looked at each other in silence for a moment and then footsteps sounded on the bridge. They looked up to see Luke a few feet away with Lorelai behind him.

"Jess," he started to say but his nephew got up and shook his head.

"No."

"I've done something stupid," Luke said desperately. "I know that and I'm sorry. Jess, can we just –"

"No!" Jess exclaimed. "I don't – I can't talk to you right now. I can't."

Luke hesitated and then nodded, a tired, sad look on his face. Jess looked sad too but he brushed past him, away from the bridge and set off in the opposite direction. Rory started after him but stopped at the sight of Luke's face and hugged him tightly.

"He's mad," she whispered to him. "He doesn't hate you."

"I wish I could be so sure," Luke said sadly and gave her a small kiss on the top of her head. "I'm glad he has you, Rory."

"I'm glad I have him too," Rory said and they smiled knowingly at each other before making their opposite ways.

Lorelai watched them leave before turning to Luke.

"Hey," she said gently. "Do you –"

"I have to get back to the diner," Luke said roughly. "I have customers, probably the ones who are mad about the five minutes."

"Oh – okay," Lorelai said, nodding and stepping away. Luke turned to leave and she called,

"Call me when you want to talk."

"Call you?" Luke asked, a ghost of a smile returning. "Wild dogs couldn't keep you from coming to see me."

"Yes, that's right," Lorelai said, smiling proudly. "Nothing ever could."

When she got back to the house Rory and Jess were waiting on the porch, their things around them. Rory got up and ran to her mother.

"We're going to go," she told her, sounding sorry. "I'm sorry I can't stay longer, but Jess..."

"I know, sweetie. It's okay."

"You don't have to come back with me," Jess said, coming to join them. "I told you I'd pay for your ride home."

"I want to go back with you," Rory said. "You know I do, it's not because of your car."

He nodded and Rory turned back to her mother.

"I need to get something from the house," she told her. "I won't be long."

Lorelai nodded and kissed her cheek. Rory hastened back and Lorelai found herself alone with Jess. They looked at each other awkwardly and fell silent.

"Do you think there's something weird about us?" Lorelai asked Jess, making him look up. "That we each have a messed up relationship with our father?"

Jess broke into an unintentional smile.

"Maybe so," he said. "It's all like what Tolstoy said."

"That happy family thing?" Lorelai asked and he nodded. "God, you and Luke think way too much about that – he said the same thing to me."

"He did?" Jess asked and Lorelai nodded.

"Years ago."

Jess nodded as well and Lorelai decided not to add that it had been when he had come back to town. She wished she'd never mentioned it.

"I'm sorry about what Luke did," she said suddenly. "It was rotten and I'm sorry."

Jess looked at her curiously, expecting a lecture but one didn't come.

"You are?" he asked, sounding disbelieving. "Nothing else? Not going to tell me he didn't mean to hurt me?"

"He didn't," Lorelai said. "And I know you know he didn't and I know, Jess, that you don't need another person to tell you that. I know that you feel hurt and that all of it sucks."

Jess looked at her, hesitated and nodded.

"Thank you," he said quietly. "It means a lot."

There was a strange silence and then Lorelai chuckled again.

"What?"

"I'm sorry," Lorelai said, still giggling. "I've just thought of something else about us – we all have a crazy mom: you, me and Rory. Freud'd go nuts."

Jess looked at her and started laughing.

"Well, I've never put much stock in Freud," he said with a grin. "And you're not crazy, Lorelai."

"No?"

"Maybe a touch," Jess conceded. "But all the best people are. You're a damn good mother, Lorelai."

Lorelai stopped laughing and gave Jess a real smile.

"Thank you," she said. "And you're a damn good son and a damn good man for my daughter to be with."

"Thank you," Jess said genuinely. "And Rory's a hell of a woman."

"She is, huh?" Lorelai asked proudly. "Not a damn good one?"

"That as well," Jess said with a grin. "I was just worrying it was starting to sound obsolete."

They looked at each other and started laughing. They laughed harder and harder and Rory stopped in surprise when she saw them, coffee flask in hand.

"What's so funny?" she asked, giggling herself and her mother pulled her into a hug and held her tightly.

"Nothing," she said fondly. "We just love you, sweets."

"I love you too," Rory said, pleasantly confused. "Both of you – not in the same way though."

"I'm concerned that you had to clarify that," Jess said and they laughed for a moment.

"We'd better hit the road," Rory said checking her watch. "If we want to beat traffic."

"Drive safe," Lorelai said anxiously as Rory hugged her goodbye. "Especially in this car."

"What do you mean, in this car?" Jess asked indignantly. "Runs like a dream."

"I don't mean the car, I mean the driver," Lorelai teased. "You're still the hoodlum who broke my daughter's wrist after all."

"Relax, the hoodlum's gone on vacation," Jess joked. "He only comes out if he's driving with cones."

"That's good to know," Lorelai said and she smiled at him. "Goodbye, Jess."

"Goodbye, Lorelai," Jess and they looked at each other for a moment before suddenly hugging each other, ignoring Rory's exclamation of disbelief.

"Bye, Lorelai," Jess said, stepping back and smiling shyly. "And thank you."

"That's okay," Lorelai said seriously. "Thank you as well."

"What for?" Jess asked, confused but Lorelai simply waved and grinned. "What for?"

"Work it out!" Lorelai called and, confused, Jess turned the key in the ignition and drove away. Rory turned and looked behind to see her mother watching them, proud and smiling in hope.


	60. Chapter 60

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory and Jess drove back most of the way in silence. They arrived into Manhattan and, to Rory's surprise, Jess drove in the opposite direction to his apartment.

"Can I stay at your apartment tonight?" Jess asked pleadingly. "I've got to get away from my place."

"You don't have to ask, Jess," Rory said gently. "You know you don't."

Jess smiled, shrugged and Rory gave him a kiss. They ate a pizza Rory ordered for dinner, fell into a tired, relaxed silence and watched a movie without seeing a second of it and went to bed early. Jess hadn't wanted to talk all evening but when they were in bed he suddenly said in the dark,

"I don't know why I'm not as mad at my mom."

Rory sat up and switched on the lamp. Jess was lying down, staring at the ceiling but now he turned to face her.

"Sometimes I think I should be," he told her. "But I'm not."

"Why?" Rory asked and he replied,

"Why should I be or why am I not?"

"Either," Rory said, after a pause. "Both."

Jess sighed, looking strangely young for a moment. He sat up and leaned towards her.

"She did a lot of messed up things," he said eventually. "She spent most of my childhood more or less stoned. She had parties with people she'd met on the street, she'd pick me up from school drunk and she'd bring home all these weird guys. I was supposed to like them straightaway, even though it creeped the hell out of me to know what they were doing when I'd come home from school with a note telling me to watch TV that evening and eat what had been left out. There'd always be someone new and they'd always screw her up. I hated all of them so much."

"Jess."

Jess ignored her and carried on.

"She'd just jump from guy to guy and he'd mess with her even more and I never got why she couldn't see that she could survive on her own, she was better on her own. She just had this idea that once you got a man and a promise that would be it, everything would be fixed."

"Did you ever tell her that?"

"Only about a hundred times, didn't take too long to figure out that she didn't really value my opinion."

"Jess, I don't know –"

"I do know," Jess said, cutting her off. "Trust me, I do. I just wished she'd be a little more objective. I wish she'd see that we could be okay without some guy, that we were fine by ourselves. I always liked it when she broke up with someone."

Rory looked at him curiously and Jess hastily added,

"I mean, not straightaway when she was a mess and would go to bed and would cry for a week but when she was over whoever he was. When she was happy again and it was just the two of us. It never lasted long enough."

Rory didn't say anything and Jess laughed slightly.

"And here's your poster guy for man with mother issues."

"Oh, no – Jess, it's normal to feel like you do."

"I'd hardly say Liz and I are normal," Jess said with a crooked grin. "And I did feel really betrayed when she sent me to Stars Hollow and honestly, I think part of me always will but I can't hate her. She's done some stuff which has really hurt but she's still my mother. She's still Liz. I know she tried and I know that even if she did it in the worst way possible sending me to Luke was probably the best choice she made as a mother."

Rory didn't know what to say so she instead leaned towards Jess and took his hand under the covers.

"And to get disgustingly mushy," Jess said, turning and smiling at her. "If she hadn't done that, well, I would never have met you."

"I'm glad you got on that bus," Rory said softly and he stroked her skin.

"I am too."

They lay in silence for a while and then Jess added,

"You know, when I think of it like this it's easy to be objective and everything. It's easy to think of all the good that came out of growing up, easy to think about how she did want the best for me but sometimes when I think about it or when I see her I just feel so mad, Rory. So much of it sucked."

"I know," Rory said gently. "I know."

"Even now I try and talk to her," Jess said. "I want to talk about our life, why she made the choices she did, what it was like for her as a kid but Liz isn't really the serious type. She changes the subject or she gets upset and one time, when I was in junior high, she lost it and she yelled at me that her childhood was hell living, not worth remembering."

"Wow," Rory said in shock and he sighed.

"Yeah. I think maybe it was losing her mom. You don't have to be a psychiatrist to figure that one out. I tried talking to Luke about it once but it seems clamming up runs in the family."

"You shock me," Rory teased and he rolled her eyes at her.

"Very droll. Want me to pyschoanylse you and Lorelai? I'm sure I could come up with a few things off the top of my head."

"That's okay," Rory said quickly. "I'm sorry, any drollness will stop here."

"Glad to hear it. Anyway, that's basically it. Luke won't talk about being a kid much either – he just worked with his dad from the moment he could hold his head up. I think he got all the work ethic in that family and Liz got all the need for fun."

"Maybe that was their way of dealing."

"Who's pyschoanaylising now?" Jess remarked. "They seem to be in a good place now, I figure, for the most part."

"Do you still want to go see her?" Rory asked quietly. "Do you want some time?"

Jess was silent for a moment and then shook his head.

"I still want to go see her," he said. "Even if I can't figure out why."

Rory nodded and he grinned.

"That's not your last-ditch attempt at getting out of it, is it?" he joked. Rory laughed a little and shook her head but heard the sadness in his voice and squeezed his hand. He stroked her hair, put his arms around her and softly they fell into sleep.

Liz had moved back to Maine a few years ago to expand her jewellery business and they went to see her a week later. The drive was long and for most of it Rory and Jess listened to music, not making space for conversation. They had just passed the state sign welcoming them to New England's most northern state when Jess sighed and switched the CD off. Rory was just about to protest that she liked that song when Jess turned and said,

"I'm sorry if I dumped a load of stuff on you last the other night."

"You don't need to say sorry for wanting to talk."

"I didn't mean to make you nervous," Jess said glancing at her. "You seem nervous."

"I already was," Rory said truthfully and Jess said knowingly,

"And now you're moreso."

"I'm glad you talked about it," Rory said earnestly. "I just wish I had something better to say."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I wish I could understand. Mom always kept guys and dating totally apart from my life, she was still uncomfortable about it when I was sixteen and still keeps it quiet. I don't know what to say."

Jess pulled the car over and stopped, looking into her eyes.

"Rory, you don't need to understand," he said quietly. "You already get it."

Rory looked back at him. She wanted to say something, to tell him he always knew, but no words formed and all she was aware of was the intensity of his gaze and the crash of the waves beyond.

"Jess," she tried to say but he took her hand, looked into her and stopped her words with a kiss.

Liz's house was not much further after that. Jess took a detour of the main road onto a series of streets near the sea, the sounds soothing Rory's qualms. They drove along into what was not quite suburbia but also not a town, strange sets of uneven houses placed at unusual angles and built from driftwood. At one of these places Jess sighed, stopped and parked the car, not too far from the drop of the cliff. They both got out and stared at a tall house which rattled with windchimes made from the white seashells of the shore, a rusted gate creaking on its hinges before a path bordered with beach pebbles.

"Just the kind of place she'd live," Jess said, giving Rory a crooked grin. "Can you imagine me living here?"

Rory shook her head, wordless and Jess chuckled.

"Neither can I. Last chance to turn back."

Rory didn't say anything but squeezed his hand in answer. Before they made it up the path they heard a sudden whoop as the door flung open and a tall, blonde woman came running to greet them, a small girl in a leather jacket and trailing black hair behind.

"Jesse!" she cried, stopping on the path and holding her hands to her heart. "Jesse, you're home! My beautiful boy!"

"Welcome to the dollhouse," Jess whispered to Rory. They stood still for a moment longer and then walked up hand-in-hand to the gate where his mother and sister stood in welcome, the house sighing and swaying behind them.


	61. Chapter 61

**Thanks for the feedback!**

"Well, don't just stand there!" Liz shouted, throwing the gate open and running up to them. "Come and give your mother a kiss!"

"Hey Liz," Jess said awkwardly, kissing her cheek and looking pained as she kissed him heartily back and squeezed his chin with her hand, grinning at Rory.

"Isn't he handsome? Isn't my son handsome?"

"He's very handsome," Rory agreed, aware of the little girl staring at her and Liz laughed.

"Of course you think he's handsome, you're sleeping with him! I assume you are sleeping with him?"

"Um," Rory started to say uncomfortably and Jess said loudly,

"You look good, Liz."

"Why, thank you, sweetie," his mother said, turning to him and beaming. "You look good too, you look real good. I had a good feeling."

Jess smiled and hugged her properly before letting her go and swooping up his younger sister who was glaring at him impatiently.

"Hey, sis," he said fondly, sweeping her hair out of her face. "How's it going?"

"You suck," Doula said loudly, kicking him slightly with her boots and Jess winced.

"Hey, want to be careful where you kick? I'm sure I suck but you have to remind me why."

"You didn't come to my show and tell!" Doula said in a hurt voice. "I told you I had show and tell about my book and you said you'd go!"

"I said I'd like to go –"

"You said you would!"

"I'm sorry," Jess said seriously. "I wanted to. Didn't I just say I wanted to?"

"You should have come!"

"Doula, Maine is an awfully long way."

"I wanted to talk about _The Giver_," Doula pouted. "And then the teacher wouldn't even let me!"

"Yeah, teachers suck," Jess said, giving her a kiss on the top of her head. "I know that. I really am sorry, Doula. Do you forgive me?"

"I guess," Doula said, raising her eyebrows. "Only because you're funny."

"High praise indeed," Jess said, rolling his eyes at her and grinning. "Doula, this is Rory. Remember I told you about her?"

"You showed me her photo," Doula said, making her brother go red. "You said she was hot."

Jess coughed and let her back down on the ground.

"Hey, how about we go find some cookies?" he asked her. "Or is Liz still on that health kick?"

"I bought chocolate specially!" Liz called from the doorway. "Fresh milk too!"

"Just like the childhood I never had," Jess said wryly to Rory. "Come on, let's go."

They made their way into the house. Rory caught a glimpse of pictures askew on the walls and sand on the floor and what looked like a childhood photo of Jess with his mother before she was taken into the kitchen. It was small with a low ceiling but light streamed in from the windows and she and Jess settled down at the small table where Doula was already sat, a large chocolate cookie in her hand and a curious expression on her face. There was a glass of milk and a plate of cookies at each place.

"So you're Lorelai's girl," Liz said in wonder, going over to Rory's chair. "I remember when Jess first mentioned you."

"You do?"

"When he was seventeen. God, that was a long time ago, before this one was even born and this one, well he wouldn't tell me what was going on his head. Something smart I expect!"

She gestured at her son and started laughing. Jess gave Rory an embarrassed smile and Liz sighed.

"Is your mom back with my brother yet?"

"Not quite," Rory said awkwardly and Liz sighed again.

"Such a shame it never worked out, she was his type, you know? Still is. Lorelai's a saint, did you know she saved my wedding?"

"She did?" Rory asked curiously and Liz sat down herself, taking a sip of her daughter's milk.

"Oh, you weren't there. I think you were at school or something. Anyway, got a huge rip all down my wedding dress and I've got less of a clue with sewing than either of these two here, I'm panicking and Jess is supposed to walking me down the aisle and your mother appears like an angel and saves the whole damn day with a needle and thread."

"She's handy that way," Rory said and Liz exclaimed,

"Isn't she? My God, I was nervous and that was before I knew I'd wind up pregnant again!"

"Um, Liz –" Jess started to say before he was cut off by his sister.

"I know what _pregnant_ is!" Doula exclaimed proudly, putting her cookie down. "It's when a woman has a baby in her uterus and has to slam it out!"

"Of course, that's the most technical term," Jess said sarcastically. Doula grinned and jumped down from the table.

"I'm going to go watch my cartoon."

She grabbed her cookie and skipped out of the room. Jess turned to Rory and whispered,

"I swear I'm buying her a science book next time."

"She's fine," Liz said cheerfully and Jess retorted,

"I hope you haven't told her the babies coming from stars story. One of your kids suffering through that was enough."

"Oh, it was cute," Liz said fondly and Jess said,

"Less cute when you have the entire second grade laughing at you for believing junk like that."

Rory drank her milk so she wouldn't have to say anything and Liz laughed, pinching his cheek.

"I still think it was cute. Anyway, where was I?"

"Rory's mom had a halo," Jess said coldly and Liz smiled at Rory.

"She did that day, at least. Did you know Jess walked me down the aisle?"

"He mentioned something about it," Rory said, looking over to Jess who suddenly looked shy.

"Well, he did, and he did it fantastically," Liz said proudly. "Your mom said he used to date you, back when you were kids. He didn't break your heart, did he?"

"Liz," Jess said, starting to sound uncomfortable but Rory broke him off and said,

"It didn't work out back then."

"I'm glad," Liz said sincerely. "That he didn't break your heart – I don't want him to be like his father, breaking hearts."

"He's nothing like his father," Rory said firmly and Jess gave her a secret smile. Liz looked at them both contentedly.

"I have a good feeling about you two," she said, taking a bite of her cookie. "Finding your way back to each other and all. It's like the universe is saying something, you know? Sending you back to each other."

"Liz really goes in for Fate crap," Jess said to Rory and Liz exclaimed,

"Hey, kid, it's not all crap! Universe led me to TJ which led to Doula and before that it led me to Jimmy which led me to you!"

"Liz, we all know what led you to me," Jess said frankly. "A bottle of wine and forgetting protection, you tell me every year on my birthday."

"Oh, stop," Liz scoffed, going red. "How can any child of mine be so unromantic? That's not the whole picture, it was all meant to be."

"Maybe the universe was being a little lax that night," Jess joked but Liz put an arm around him and kissed his cheek.

"Don't say that. I don't know what I'd do without you, I truly don't."

Jess went pink and smiled in spite of himself. Rory couldn't help smiling back and Liz asked her fondly,

"Isn't he something special?"

"He certainly is."

"And so are you, Lorelai's girl."

"She's a Lorelai too, you know," Jess said. "That's her real name."

"No kidding?" Liz exclaimed and Rory shook her head. "You're a Lorelai?"

"Lorelai Leigh," Rory said, smiling self-consciously. "But no one calls me that."

"You're a Lorelai!" Liz gasped. "The universe is really saying something."

"What's it saying, Liz?" Jess asked in a tired voice and Liz said dreamily,

"Lorelai's supposed to be with Luke, my big brother, and her Lorelai is supposed to be with you, my sweet son!"

Jess coughed, going scarlet and getting up.

"Hey, Rory, how about some air? We're going to get some air, it was a long drive."

"Sure," Rory said quickly, getting up and Liz swatted her son's arm, saying fondly,

"Have fun, you two!"

Jess took Rory's hand and firmly steered her outside. They walked down the path, leaving the whispering house behind and didn't stop until they sat on a bench some fifty yards away. Jess sat down and let out a heavy laugh, staring up at the sky, the ocean crashing behind them.

"So that's my mother," he said, turning to look at Rory. "What do you think?"

"She's..." Rory struggled for a word. "_Intense_."

"You mean she's insane," Jess said honestly. "Totally, completely nuts in her own Liz way."

"She's nice," Rory offered and he smiled a little. "She really loves you."

"And you already, probably a little too much. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"She didn't freak you out with all that Universe talk?"

"No," Rory said weakly and he looked at her and laughed.

"You're a horrible liar."

"Sorry."

"I'd be concerned if you weren't freaked out," Jess said and Rory looked at him.

"I'm not so freaked out that I want to go," she said. "Or that I don't like her."

"You like her now," Jess said. "Wait until she starts delving into your personal life."

"Do you want to go?" Rory asked seriously and he shook his head.

"Not unless you do."

"I don't."

There was no trace of a lie in her voice and Rory ventured,

"I think I kind of like her."

"You do now," Jess warned and then sighed. "I kind of like her too."

"Your sister's cute," Rory said and Jess gave a real smile.

"Yeah, she is, huh?"

"So you told her I'm hot?" Rory asked and he laughed, embarrassed.

"Only in the classiest way."

"Now that makes me feel special."

Jess laughed and stared up at the sky again. Summer was coming but it was a blusterous day, clouds billowing up ahead and the salt air smacking their faces.

"Back unto the breach?" he asked, only semi-sarcastic. Rory smiled and took his hand.

"Back unto the breach."

Liz was sorting through her earrings when Rory and Jess got back.

"Hey kids," she said, looking up briefly. "Just getting these ready for the stall on Monday."

"They're very pretty," Rory said admiringly and Liz looked up and smiled at her.

"You've got the same colouring as your mom. I found her a beautiful set of earrings and necklace once, I'm sure I could do the same for you. I don't think I have the exact same pair, but –"

"Oh, that's okay," Rory said and Liz shrugged and smiled.

"If you change your mind."

"Hey, where's T.J.?" Jess asked, changing the subject and Liz said,

"He's up at the stall, setting some stuff up for next week. We're supposed to get the first set of vacationers and he's freaking out about the pewter. He should be back tomorrow, you might catch him then."

She put the earrings away and Doula came running in.

"I'm bored," she said in an accusing way. "I want Jess to play with me."

"Doula, remember the magic word?"

"Abracadabra," Doula said and Jess badly hid a snort of laughter.

"The other magic word," Liz said patiently. "You'll have to ask your brother, I'm about to cook dinner."

"Let me, Liz," Jess said and she shook her head and kissed his cheek.

"No, you are my guest and my son and I want to take care of you. Why don't you and Rory go for a walk with Doula and I'll get started?"

"What are you cooking?" Jess asked suspiciously and Liz let out a throaty laugh.

"You'll see. Go, go!"

Five minutes later and Rory, Jess and Doula were walking along the rocky coastline. Doula insisted on holding Jess's hand the whole way and Rory smiled to see the brother and sister together: the two heads of the same messy black hair, the same wiry frame and the identical laugh and attitude. Jess's leather jacket hung long over his sister's back, swamping her and swallowing her hands but she wore it with pride and refused to take it off for a moment.

"Brady Jones is a jerk," Doula said firmly. She looked up at Jess fiercely and he asked,

"How come Brady Jones is a jerk?"

"He said we weren't really brother and sister because we have a different daddy."

"Wow, he really is a jerk," Jess said angrily.

"That's what I told him."

"Did you hit him?"

"No."

"Good girl."

"I kicked him instead," Doula said proudly and Jess stopped and stared at her.

"Doula, what have I told you about fighting?"

"Not to," Doula admitted. "But he's a jerk! He deserved it!"

"Doesn't mean you have to kick him! That's being a jerk too!"

"It's not fair," Doula said, bursting into tears. "He was the one who was a jerk and then the teacher got mad at me and now you're mad at me too!"

"Hey," Jess in concern, bending down and hugging her tightly. "I'm not mad at you. I'd want to kick him too. I probably would have socked him as well."

"So why can't I?" Doula sniffled and Jess said,

"You know I got into a million fights at school, it didn't do anything. I still felt mad."

"It felt good kicking him," Doula said firmly and Jess couldn't help laughing.

"Promise me you won't do it again," Jess said seriously and she nodded, sniffling. "Or to anyone else who's a jerk?"

"Fine," Doula sighed. "I promise."

Jess wiped the tears from her cheeks and gave her a hug.

"You know, Rory's sister has a different mommy," he told her and Doula looked up at her.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Rory said, bending down. "We have the same daddy and a different mommy."

Doula's brow furrowed in confusion.

"But the mommy has the baby," she said, trying to figure it out. "I don't get it."

"Boy, you really need that science book," Jess said, grinning at Rory. "Come on, kiddo, let's go back."

There was a strange smell wafting through the house when they got inside. Liz came out of the kitchen, beaming.

"Mungbean stew!" she announced proudly. "My speciality! Come and eat, it's getting cold!"

Jess shot Rory a look and they settled around the table as Liz dolloped strange lashings of yellow-green slop onto plates. Rory tried not to think about what it looked like as she started to eat.

"How is it? Is it good?" Liz asked gleefully. "I'm trying to learn to cook. Neither me or T.J. are any good at the domestic side of things but we're trying to fix that. Tell me it's good."

Rory struggled to swallow and Jess said,

"It's fine, Liz," whilst trying to hide is expression of nausea. Liz beamed and went to get some drinks and, when the door had closed, Jess instantly grabbed his and Rory's plates and threw the food away. He stopped at Doula, who was eating with gusto and said,

"I like it!"

"You insane little thing," Jess said fondly. "If I didn't know better I'd say Brady Jones was right after all."

"Shut up, Jess," Doula said and he grinned at her.

"Shutting up."

After dinner they all went for a walk. The evenings were getting longer, the light duskier and the cliffs looked dramatic in the distance with the crash of the waves. Liz told Jess and Rory all about how well the jewellery business was doing, how they were settling back into Maine but that it didn't really feel like home.

"How's my big brother? Liz asked as Doula ran ahead. "Does he miss me? Does he ever talk about his crazy little sister?"

Rory felt Jess stiffen but he simply said,

"He's fine."

"Still running his diner?" Liz asked and sighed happily as her son nodded.

"That's good to hear. He's so proud of that place. It's good to know it's still there."

"Luke will be buried in it," Jess said and Liz let out a deep, amused laugh.

They walked in silence for a while and, almost so quietly that Rory couldn't hear, Liz bent and whispered to her son,

"I didn't know."

Jess nodded and let her squeeze his hand tight.

When they got back it was time for Doula to go to bed and she insisted on Jess getting her ready and reading her story.

"You can get yourself ready now," Liz said, laughing. "You never let me help."

"I want Jess to!"

Jess sighed, pretending to be long-suffering and let his little sister take his hand and drag him to her bedroom.

"I want you to read Narnia to me," she said bossily. "And do the voices!"

Rory smiled and waved and then turned back to see Liz going and clearing the plates up.

"Let me help," she said, going and gathering and Liz smiled.

"Oh, that's okay, sweetie. You're my guest."

"I feel bad, you cooked it all."

"I'm guessing you didn't eat any," Liz said but she grinned to show she wasn't annoyed. "It's okay, I know my cooking stinks."

"Better than mine ever is."

"I'm glad Jess can cook," Liz said, washing the dishes. "And Luke. At least some of the family know how to feed us! Does he look after you, Rory? My son?"

"Yes," Rory said, feeling her cheeks go hot and Liz smiled.

"He's always taking care of people. He won't admit it but he does. He's just like my brother all over again."

Rory smiled shyly and Liz added,

"I've got this pretty much done, sweetie. Go and relax."

Rory left the kitchen and wandered around the house. There was a small den with a tiny television and a bookshelf of books and, walking over, Rory smiled to see Jess's novels in pride of place on the top shelf. There were some seats on the porch and up the steep stairs Rory could hear the soft voice of Jess as he read to his sister. She snuck her head around the door and smiled to see him reading intently, Doula captivated and suddenly felt that she was intruding. She tiptoed back down the stairs and walked back into the hall where she found the photo of Jess and Liz again. She picked it up and a smile stole across her face at the sight of a tiny boy with a mop of black hair burying his face in a book. She couldn't see the title but Liz had her arm around him, holding him tight, and there was a real smile on her face.

"My son was smart from the moment he came out," said a sudden voice and Rory jumped, almost dropping the picture. "He started to read when he was three."

"Wow."

"I didn't mean to scare you," Liz said and Rory smiled. She took the picture from her and sighed.

"I remember that day. I wasn't stoned, for once. It was just some passer-by that took it, can you believe? We were in the park and I had this disposable camera. I was trying to take a photo of Jess and he refused and then this guy said he'd take it of both of us. Jess agreed but he wouldn't look up. Doesn't he look smart, in that photo?"

"Very smart," Rory agreed and Liz smiled sadly.

"God knows where he gets it from. Luke's smart too but he's not into the intellectual stuff, you know? Jess, he was just born wanting to know. From the moment he could toddle he just wanted to go the library. He just wanted to learn. I still can't believe I produced a writer."

Rory smiled and Liz sighed.

"God, I screwed up with him when I was younger."

"Oh –"

"Don't try and spare my feelings, honey," Liz said. "I know I did. I know I did."

Rory didn't know what to say. Liz put the picture back, her gaze lingering and then she turned to Rory.

"You must be smart too, I know you are. You went to Yale, didn't you? And now you're a journalist?"

"Yep."

"I knew Jess would want to be with someone smart," Liz said knowingly. "And someone special. The universe knew what it was doing, alright."

There was a cough and they turned to see Jess standing behind them.

"Doula's asleep. What are you guys talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," Liz said sweetly. "How about I break out some wine?"

A few hours later, after a lot of wine and tales of Liz's wild youth, Rory and Jess decided to call it a night.

"The spare room's upstairs," Liz told them. "Last door on the left and condoms are in the nightstand."

There was an awkward pause and Jess said,

"Um, thanks. Night, Liz."

"Night, Jesse," his mother said fondly, giving him a tight hug and a big kiss. "I'm so glad you came."

"Yeah, me too," Jess said, letting her hold him for a little longer. "It's good to see you."

"Good to have you back," Liz said gently. "I've missed you."

Jess was silent but he smiled all the same. Rory opened her mouth to say goodnight as well but before she could Liz put her arms around her and said,

"Goodnight, little Lorelai."

"No one calls her that, Liz," Jess put in. "She's just Rory."

"I think Lorelai is nice," Liz said, giving Rory a sudden kiss on the cheek. "It's a positive name. Don't you think it's a positive name?"

"Sure," Rory said after a pause and Liz laughed.

"I say so. Goodnight, you two. Sleep well."

They left her downstairs and went up the narrow staircase, tiptoeing past Doula's room. They said little until they had got into bed and then Jess let out a sigh and a laugh at the same time.

"Good to be back."

"Your mom's interesting."

"You mean crazy."

"No, I mean interesting."

Jess smiled and lay back in the pillows. The room was at the end of the house and set with low windows, painted in an indigo blue, the moans of the sea echoing around the walls. Rory imagined that it would be pleasant in summer but it now felt as though it was wishing for something.

"Are you tired?"

"No."

"There's condoms in the nightstand," Rory said wickedly. "Remember?"

Jess groaned and laughed.

"It's kind of cute and creepy that she did that at the same time."

"At least she cares about you having safe sex."

"Yeah, I guess. I'm twenty-eight now though, she should just assume I have it covered."

Rory started giggling and Jess rolled his eyes.

"And the maturity award goes to...!"

"At least she's not one of those moms who puts us in separate bedrooms."

"Yeah, but this is weird," Jess said. "If we have sex now it's like she's expecting it and it kind of creeps me out. She never used to be this involved. I think she's trying to make up for when I was a kid and she never gave advice. She did used to say that to me though – whenever I got treated to hearing about her getting pregnant she'd always finish by saying _promise me you'll put a sheath on!_ It's amazing I'm not messed up when it comes to sex."

"Mom started making Trojan jokes as soon as I started my period," Rory admitted. "God, I was embarrassed. I'd tell her to stop and she said I'd be a lot more embarrassed if I risked it and wound up pregnant. She's never put condoms in my nightstand though."

"She hasn't talked to my mother," Jess joked. "Poor Doula's got it all to come."

Rory smiled at him.

"You're so good with her."

Jess shrugged and smiled self-consciously.

"I guess."

"You are," Rory said insistently. "You were so sweet with her, such a good brother."

"I wasn't always," Jess said uncomfortably. "When Liz told me she was pregnant I wasn't all that excited. She told me I was going to have a little brother or sister but it didn't feel all that real, you know? I didn't see her and T.J. all that much and I just figured it would be their kid and nothing really to do with me."

"Jess."

"Even when she was born," Jess continued, ignoring Rory. "And Luke called me to say I had a sister I didn't even feel that happy. I practically had to talk myself into going to see her and I only bought her a bear when someone said I should bring a present. I felt weird all the way, I nearly turned back when I got to the house but Liz'd already seen me and thrown open the door. She'd barely let me through when she was pushing Doula in my arms, making me take her and exclaiming_, look at your baby sister!_"

Jess paused for a moment and then smiled slightly.

"And I wasn't thrilled," he went on. "I'm hardly a guy who loves kids, especially not babies who spew everywhere but then I looked down and she was just...she was so tiny, Rory. She was so little and she looked so confused, like she didn't know what the hell was going on, and then she looked into my eyes. I know babies can't even focus properly or see until they're like a month old or something but I swear she was looking at me. She looked at me and she reached up and I gave her my finger and she clung on so tight. I didn't know it was possible for babies to hold so tightly but she was just gripping on like she'd never let go and looking at me and I just wanted to protect her. I wanted to make sure she was okay, have what I didn't have and know she was loved."

He broke off, looking suddenly embarrassed at Rory's smile.

"Teasing can commence," he said quickly. "Jess Mariano can turn into mush over holding a baby, one that's not even his."

"I think it's really great," Rory said, making him look at her. "It's not something to be ashamed of. I wish I could be as good with Gigi."

"I'm sure you are."

"I'm not," Rory said sadly. "I know I'm not."

He looked at but didn't say anything and squeezed her hand instead.

"She still takes that bear to bed with her every night," he added, laughing. "It was such a dumb present."

"Hey," Rory said gently. "I don't think it sounds half bad."

He smiled and gave her a quick kiss.

"What were you and Liz talking about?" he asked curiously. "When I was reading to Doula?"

"Oh...nothing," Rory said vaguely, ignoring Jess's frown. "Nothing interesting."

"I know you were talking about me," Jess said but without annoyance in his tone. "Only good things, I hope."

"The best."

"You've survived a day and half the night," Jess said, grinning at her. "What do you make of it?"

"I think it's wonderful," Rory said truthfully. "In the weirdest way."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Jess said, in a way which Rory couldn't tell was sarcastic or not. "Goodnight, Rory."

"Goodnight, Jess."


	62. Chapter 62

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Liz got a phonecall from T.J. the next morning.

"Slow down, honey, I can't hear you," she said, slipping a strange kind of pancake onto Rory's plate. "What? What about the pewter? Hold on, I'm coming."

She sighed and hung up, looking sadly at all of them.

"I've got to head out, kids," she said, putting down the pan. "T.J.'s having a crisis."

"What kind of crisis?" Jess asked and Liz shrugged.

"Something to do with pewter. You'll look after Doula for a few hours?"

"Sure," Jess said and ignored Rory's giggle as she leant over and gave him a big kiss on the side of face. She did the same to Doula and then, without any warning, gave Rory a kiss as well and ruffled her hair.

"Goodbye, darlings," she sang, grabbing her purse and swooping out. Rory stuck a fork into her pancake and ignored her boyfriend's snort of laughter.

"What are we going to do today, Jess?" asked Doula curiously and he turned to smile at her.

"I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"It's pretty hot outside," Jess said, going and closing the door which Liz left open. "How about the beach?"

Doula let out a whoop and overturned her empty plate.

"Yeah! The beach!"

"Okay," Jess grinned. "But first, you have to get dressed."

"Why?"

"Because you can't go to the beach in footie pyjamas."

"Why?"

"Because you'd get them wet and that wouldn't be fun," Jess said firmly and she shrugged and then nodded. "And also, how about some real breakfast?"

"I've had my breakfast!"

"Rory hasn't," Jess said, glancing over at his girlfriend's unfinished plate. "And neither have I."

Rory flushed, looking down at the pancake which certainly wasn't the traditional kind.

"Sorry."

"You never have to be apologetic about Liz's cooking," Jess said seriously, going through his mother's cupboards and coming out with flour and eggs. "I'm starving too. Doula? What do you say to another pancake?"

"Yeah!" Doula shouted and Jess laughed at her.

"Okay, but first you have to go get dressed."

"Okay," Doula sighed, climbing down from the table. "Will you cut my pancake into the shape of a book?"

"If you go get dressed," Jess said seriously and she jumped up and ran to her room, her feet thumping on the stairs. He chuckled and started making the mix, turning to Rory.

"Do you want yours in a shape too?"

"How can I resist that?" Rory said and he laughed. "So the beach, huh?"

"Yeah, I thought it would be fun," Jess said, turning the food around in the pan. "Don't you?"

Before Rory could answer a sound which suggested a small elephant reached their ears and Doula raced back into the room, panting and out of breath. She wore a pair of green shorts, sunglasses, a Metallica T-shirt, her brother's leather jacket and boots and she announced loudly,

"I'm ready!"

Half an hour later they set off. Doula wore the same aside from the boots Jess had coaxed her out of, replaced by a pair of sandals. She had refused to give up the jacket, despite the heat of the day and walked in silence, the material sticking to her back.

"Are you hot, Doula?" Jess asked and she shrugged. "You can take it off, you know. I promise to give it back."

Doula narrowed her eyes.

"Cross your heart?"

"Doula, I haven't worn that jacket for practically ten years," Jess laughed. "I gave it to you, remember?"

"Cross your heart!"

"Fine," Jess sighed. "Cross my heart."

Doula watched carefully to make sure he did so properly before surrendering the jacket to him. As soon as it was off she ran ahead of them, clearly relieved to be rid of it.

"Race you!" she called joyfully. "Jess, race you!"

"I'm coerced by a six-year-old," Jess murmured to Rory. "If the guys in New York could see me now."

"Jess! Come on!"

"Okay, I'm coming!" Jess shouted and he ran to catch her up, Doula shrieking and taking the land in wide leaps, her hair flying out behind her. Rory laughed and felt a little sad, unable to place why.

When they got down to the beach Doula wanted to swim right away. She instantly tugged on her bathing suit, twisting it and hopping up and down.

"Stand still," Jess said patiently, straightening the straps for her. "There, you're ready. Wait for us before you go in, okay?"

Rory felt her mouth go dry.

"Us?"

"Don't you want to go in?"

"Um, no," Rory said uncomfortably. "I think I'll stay here."

"Are you scared of the water being cold?" Jess teased. "Or getting your hair wet?"

"You know I'm not that kind of girl," Rory joked but she felt uneasy. "Seriously, I'm okay. I think I'll just read."

Jess looked curious but he shrugged and nodded.

"Okay," he said, pulling his shirt off. "Promise not to wander off."

"Ha ha," Rory said, getting her book out. "I promise."

"And I promise not go out of my depth," Jess joked. Rory gave a weak smile and he turned to his sister, who was hopping impatiently from foot to foot.

"You're not hopping because you need to pee, are you?" Jess asked nervously and she laughed and shook her head. "Okay, let's go."

Doula grabbed his hand and they ran down to the water, shrieking as they hit the sea and splashing each other. Rory smiled to see Jess swoop his sister up above the waves and got her book out, lying down and trying to settle into the warmth of the day.

Fifteen minutes later and it wasn't working. The beach was deserted, the sky a piercing blue and the sand golden but Rory couldn't relax. She couldn't get into her book, despite it being a biography she had been meaning to read for a long time, and she couldn't enjoy the sun. All she was aware of was the sound of the waves as they sucked in and out, heaving a breath before crashing on the shore, far too close for comfort. Rory had been to the ocean before but no one had ever said anything about going in and she was suddenly very aware of the fact that she couldn't swim. Lorelai had taken her to lessons many years ago as a child but it had taken five sessions for Rory to even step into the water and, once she had, she had panicked and had to be lifted out screaming, terrified she would drown. It had been traumatic for both her and her mother and neither had ever brought it up again and, Rory figured, as she was never going to go into the water again it didn't matter. She hadn't banked on a weekend away to Maine with Jess Mariano and she felt strangely embarrassed and ashamed. Rory sighed, put her book down and watched as a little while later they came running back up the beach, sluicing half the ocean with them.

"Good swim?" Rory asked and hastily put her book away as Doula shook herself all over like a puppy. Jess hastily wrapped a towel around her and got one himself, drying his hair.

"It was fun," Doula said happily. "But Jess won't go far out!"

"It's because I'm scared," Jess said, rolling his eyes. "How was your book?"

"Oh...okay," Rory said vaguely and, before her boyfriend could ask any further Doula was tugging at her brother's hand.

"Jess? I need to pee now."

After Doula had been taken to the toilet and they had had a snack she decided she wanted to make a sandcastle.

"Want me to gather pebbles?" Jess asked, starting to get up but Doula violently shook her head.

"It's a surprise!"

She started to run away and Jess called,

"Stay where I can see you!"

He watched until she had stopped by the strand, bucket swinging in her hand and then turned to Rory.

"So you're not a big fan of the ocean, huh?"

"I like it fine," Rory said defensively and he nodded.

"You can't swim," he said decisively. It was a statement, not a question and Rory stared at him.

"How'd you -?"

"Wild guess," Jess said, settling down beside her. "Is that another reason you hate Hemingway? His deep relationship with the sea?"

Rory couldn't smile and only shrugged. Jess put an arm around her.

"How come you can't swim?" he asked gently and Rory bit her lip.

"I tried. I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"I...I just can't," Rory said wildly. "Mom signed me up for lessons when I was seven and I just couldn't, Jess. It took me long enough to actually step into the water and then when I did I almost drowned."

"Seriously?"

"Well – I thought I would," Rory admitted. "It was terrifying. I was just swallowed by all this water and then I was screaming and someone carried me out."

"You never tried again?"

"Would you?"

"You had a panic attack."

"I thought I was going to drown."

"You had a panic attack," Jess said again and Rory shrugged miserably. "So now you can't go in the ocean at all?"

"Any kind of water. I'm not even crazy about taking baths."

Jess nodded but didn't say anything. Rory added,

"It's not like I need to know how to swim. I'm never going to live by an ocean."

"Rory, I think you should learn."

"Why?" Rory demanded. "I'm never going in the water."

"What if you have to?"

"Why would I have to?"

"What if you fell in?"

"How would I_ fall_ in?"

"Okay, how about if you see me struggling and no one is there?" Jess asked seriously. Rory bit her lip and looked down.

"I don't want to," she said eventually. "I don't like the water, Jess."

He looked at her carefully and kissed her cheek.

"Okay," he said gently. "Okay."

"Jess!" came a sudden shout and they looked up to see Doula standing next to a sandcastle which reached up to her waist. "Look what I did!"

They went home soon after that. The day didn't seem as bright and the beach was interrupted by more families making their way down to the sand. Liz was home when they got back and she told them a long tale about T.J. panicking about the earring to necklace ratio.

"He's even taking photos of it," she laughed. "Crazy guy."

"You know he has to be crazy if he makes my mother seem normal," Jess whispered to Rory and they giggled guiltily.

"How was your day?" Liz asked breezily and Jess told her,

"We went to the beach."

"Yeah? Did you go in the sea?"

"Doula and I did," Jess said and his sister launched into a long tale about the swim ad sandcastle she had made.

The rest of the day went by quietly. Liz went back to the stall and Jess played some kind of complicated game with Doula involving escaping assassins who trying to steal their books. They were still playing it when Liz came home and she sat down, sighed and smiled at Rory.

"They look good together, don't they?"

"Yeah, they do."

"I'm sad I live so far away sometimes," Liz said thoughtfully. "It was good being nearer to him and Luke, having my big brother right there. You know, it's crazy – I spent half my life running away from Stars Hollow and now I miss it."

"What was it like growing up there?" Rory asked haltingly and Liz looked at her curiously.

"You grew up there too, honey."

"Yes," Rory agreed. "I mean...how was it for you?"

"I don't like thinking about my childhood much," Liz said honestly and Rory bit her lip, feeling ashamed. "But when I do remember, I just _see_ it, you know?"

Rory didn't know and Liz elaborated.

"I see my brother and father. They're at the store, Dad's place, like two peas in a pod, neither happy unless they're working and they don't know where I am. They don't care where I am. They're up at dawn working and as long as I show up for school and supper then the rest doesn't matter. The store never meant much to me, I wanted more, you know? I would just count down the days until I could leave, sneaking pot with Carrie Duncan under the bleachers and think...I'd think how it was that my brother turned out so smart and he'd have a sister like me."

Rory didn't know what to say. Liz smiled sadly and got up.

"Still, we can't all be like Luke, can we?" she asked. "I'll go get started on some dinner."

Rory watched her walk away, going to her children, knowing she would never repeat Liz's words to anyone, not even her son. She wondered if she would ever let him in and already knew the answer.

Jess cooked dinner for them that night. He made a risotto and salad and Doula announced happily that it wasn't gross. T.J. stopped by for some food, turning to Rory and saying,

"I wouldn't kick him out of the kitchen or out of bed. I'd say he's a catch!"

After dinner Rory and Jess washed up as Liz put Doula to bed. She was so tired that she fell asleep before her story and Liz said she would do the rest if they wanted to watch TV in the den.

"I thought we might go for a walk," Jess said and Rory looked up. "But we're pretty much done here, Liz."

"Alright," Liz said, giving him a kiss. "Be quiet when you come in, won't you?"

"We won't wake Doula."

"Doula? T.J. always goes to bed early, remember? Out like a light by nine. We have to have sex in the day."

"That's good to know," Jess said awkwardly. "Bye, Liz."

"Bye, kid."

"She never read the manual on over-sharing," Jess said as they left the house. Rory ignored him and said suspiciously,

"We're going to the beach, aren't we?"

"Yes," Jess said and Rory stopped.

"I don't want to swim."

"You're not going to swim."

"Jess..."

"Rory, we're just going to go down and look at it," Jess said seriously. "I promise not to make you swim or do anything you don't want to. We can go back whenever you like."

"I'd like to go back now!"

"Rory, please come and look at it," Jess said, squeezing her hand. "Just for a minute."

"Okay," Rory said, after a pause, and they walked the rest of the way in silence.

By the time they got there the beach was deserted again. The sun was still up but slowly dying into the waves, sending streaks of warm light over their toes, the waves, gently lapping at their feet. Rory hesitated and stopped as Jess took his shoes off and walked a little closer to the water.

"I don't want to go in."

"You don't have to go in," Jess said gently. "Just come and stand."

Rory walked slowly towards him and slid her own shoes off. They looked out at the ocean in silence before Rory asked curiously,

"When did you learn to swim, anyway?"

"The community pool ran free lessons the summer I was eleven."

"Did you pick it up right away?"

"No, I sucked," Jess said Rory laughed. "I'm still not great but I can do it."

"Is there anything you can't do? Skills-wise?"

"I can't dance," Jess said, after a pause. "But you don't need that to survive."

"Tell that to Miss Patty, she'd have a fit."

Jess laughed and then asked,

"Can your mom swim?"

"She'll swim to live," Rory said. "She's not so crazy about it otherwise."

"Did you try it before you had lessons?"

"Please, I wouldn't step on wet grass until I was three."

Jess chuckled and suddenly a wave of water washed over their feet. Rory jumped back on impulse and hugged her arms to her chest, scared.

"Rory, it's okay."

"I don't want to go in!"

"You're not going in," Jess said, walking over to her. "I'm right here and nothing's going to happen. The water's not going to suck you under, you're not going to drown. I am right here and as soon as you want to leave we will."

"Why does it matter so much to you that I step in the water?"

"Because I don't want you to be scared," Jess said. "Because I want you to know that the sea isn't your enemy and because I want you to know you can do it."

"I can't do it!"

"Yes, you can, I know you can. I'm not expecting you to jump in, I know you can't now, but you can hold my hand and let the water wash over your feet. I know you can do it, Rory."

"Just stand right here?" Rory asked suspiciously and Jess nodded.

"Just stand right here."

"You're not going to trick me?" Rory asked wildly. "It's not going to be one of those things where you say I'll stand here and then you push me in and make me do it?"

"Rory, do you seriously think I would do that to you?" Jess asked ad Rory hesitated and shook her head.

"No, I know you wouldn't. I'm sorry."

"Just hold my hand," Jess said as the water came towards them and Rory tensed. "Hold my hand, that's it."

The water washed over their feet and Rory stood still as a statue, letting out a juddery breath as the wave moved away.

"Hey, you did it!"

"Do I get a gold star?" Rory joked but her voice wobbled. Jess squeezed her hand and she said tearfully,

"I thought I was going to drown."

"I know."

"I know it was more than twenty years ago and I was panicking, but –"

"It's okay, Rory," Jess said quietly. "It's okay."

He held her hand tightly and Rory stared ahead at the setting sun. The water swirled around her and Jess didn't let her go.


	63. Chapter 63

**Thanks for the feedback! I thought Logan was an incredible jerk who didn't know Rory at all.**

The visit to Maine was nearly over. Rory was ready to leave though she had enjoyed most of her stay and looked forward to being back in her own apartment and away from the ocean. She and Jess had gone back earlier that morning and stood in the water again and, despite still feeling scared, it hadn't been as bad as the first time round and he had held her hand the whole time.

"You can do it," he'd said to her seriously. "I know you can."

The rest of the day had gone by evenly. They had gone to see Liz's stall and T.J. had come back with them, much to Jess's quiet annoyance and made a lunch of fajitas so spicy that the eyes had nearly popped out of Rory's head. Doula had had a coughing fit and after several glasses of water Jess had made everyone grilled chicken and salad instead. After lunch Liz and Jess washed up whilst T.J. challenged Doula to a competition on his Etch-a-Sketch.

"Come on, kiddo! Can you beat me at drawing Rory?"

Doula giggled and shook her head vigorously and T.J. glanced up.

"Don't worry Rory, it's an innocent picture."

"I'm sure it is, T.J.," Rory said politely and T.J. added,

"You know I wouldn't sketch you in a sketchy way...hey, I made a joke."

"Daddy, you're losing," Doula exclaimed. "You're not even trying!"

"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be clear about what kind of art I make –"

"On your Etch-a-Sketch!" Jess said in a withering tone. "She should have to be reassured about what kind of drawing you're making of her on your _Etch-a-Sketch_?"

"Well, there's all kind of creeps out there, not that I'm a creep, and Rory doesn't know that and hey, she's your girlfriend and all, I don't want you to think it's something it's not –"

"I hope not, seeing as you're married to my mother and have your kid right there," Jess snapped. "I'll rest easy, thanks."

T.J. nodded and went silent, biting his lip. Liz gave Jess a reproachful look and Rory wished desperately that she wasn't in the room. She was just trying to think of something cheerful to say when Doula announced happily,

"I've won! I've won!"

No one said anything and she got up and tugged at her brother's arm with impatience.

"Jess, look at my picture! Look at my picture of Rory!"

"That's great, Doula," Jess said, barely glancing at it. "I'm going to get something."

He pushed past her and started up the stairs. Rory wondered if she should head after him or not and suddenly saw to her horror Doula's eyes tear up and her lip wobble.

"Jess is mad at me," she cried. "Jess is mad at me, what did I do?"

"He's not mad at you," Liz said reassuringly. "He's not mad, I promise."

She pulled her daughter into a hug and Rory got to her feet.

"I'm going to go after him," she said awkwardly. "I'll be right back."

Liz nodded and Rory headed up the stairs and over to the spare room. Jess was sitting on the middle of the bed with a book open on his lap but he wasn't reading it.

"What's wrong?" Rory asked simply. "Why are you mad?"

"He's a grown man with an Etch-a-Sketch," Jess said angrily. "My mother married a grown man with an Etch-a-Sketch!"

"Jess, that's not why you're angry."

"He's the man she chose to be my stepfather," Jess continued, ignoring her. "The guy who gets mad if you don't talk in Renaissance-speech at his stupid stall and has milkshake as his drink of choice!"

"Jess –"

"And you want to know the funniest part?" Jess asked, glancing at her. "He's the best one. He's by far the sanest man my mother ever married and if that's not sad I don't know what is."

"I thought you liked T.J.," Rory said, after a pause. "I mean, he's a little...different but –"

"Different?" Jess echoed with a bitter laugh. "That's a kind word for it."

Rory bit her lip and didn't say anything. She got up and looked out of the window and neither said anything. Jess let out a sigh.

"I do like T.J.," he said eventually. "I mean, we're not bosom buddies but he makes my mom happy, god knows why. He makes her happy and he's Doula's dad and while I don't think I'll ever understand it my mom loves him and he actually loves her back. More than I can say for her other husbands. T.J.'s crazy but he's harmless."

"Why are you mad?" Rory asked gently, going and sitting back down next to him. Jess wouldn't look up.

"I'm not mad," he said eventually. "I'm just...I can't wait to go home, Rory. I want to go back and have some peace from my family and my mom's crazy comments but I know that once I'm back I'll miss her. I'll miss Liz, I'll miss Doula and I'll even miss T.J. a little. I know I'll go crazy if we stay any longer but I wish they lived closer. Still, if they lived closer my mom would see me all the time and I'd get annoyed with her and she'd be upset, but..."

"I know," Rory said as his voice trailed off. "I get it."

"And then I feel frustrated for feeling frustrated with her but I can't help it. She's always pressing all that hippy stuff down my throat, ever since I was a kid and something had happened. We'd get robbed or something and she'd make something about the universe fixing it. The _universe_," Jess snorted. "It was Luke bailing her out again, like he always did."

He caught himself and fell silent. Rory took his hand.

"I should head back down," he said. "Tell T.J. I had a headache or something and look at Doula's picture."

"She was crying," Rory said quietly and Jess closed his eyes for a moment.

"I'm such a jerk."

"You're not a jerk."

"I snapped at my six-year-old sister, like it was all her fault. I fit the bill."

"Jess –"

"Better go and make it right," Jess said and he got up and went back downstairs. Rory sat for a moment and then followed him back down. Jess was apologising to Doula who was sniffling and wouldn't look him in the eye.

"You're mad at me," she said defiantly. "What did I do?"

"Hey, how could I be mad at you?"

"I don't know but you were mean."

"I'm really sorry, Doula," Jess said, pulling her into a hug. "I suck at a being a brother."

"Not always," Doula said kindly. "Not all the time."

"So I'm forgiven?" Jess asked and she nodded. "Let me see that picture of Rory."

Doula picked up her Etch-a-Sketch and showed it to him.

"Hey, that's awesome! You'll be showing stuff in a gallery next."

"You suck at lying," Doula said critically. "It stinks."

"No, it doesn't."

"Jess, it stinks."

"Well, it's good for an Etch-a-Sketch," Jess said seriously and Doula burst into giggles and flung her arms around his neck.

Everything appeared fine after that but Rory could tell Jess was still upset. He read Doula a story, put her to bed and sat uncomfortably with Rory whilst his mother washed the dishes from their evening meal. T.J. went to bed at precisely nine, taking his Etch-a-Sketch with him ("Inspiration can strike in the night you know!") and Liz dug out a bottle of wine.

"Just the three of us," she said happily. "T.J. hates wine, you know. He's not crazy about anything that isn't milkshake!"

Rory smiled politely and noticed Jess out of the corner of her eye, looking ready to make a sarcastic remark but checking himself.

"So what are your plans for when you get back?" Liz asked, pouring them all a glass. "Anything in the works?"

"Not really," Jess said. "We're just working and I'm waiting on the bank."

"Listen to my son, talking about working and waiting on the bank!" Liz said proudly. "It makes me so proud, hearing you sound so responsible and all. I was never responsible."

"Liz..."

"Well, it _does_," Liz insisted. "It makes me so damn proud."

Jess didn't say anything and concentrated on drinking his wine. Liz turned to Rory.

"How about you, sweetie? Are you going to see Lorelai anytime soon?"

"Probably," Rory said. "I try and see her most weekends."

"So you'll be going back to Stars Hollow?" Liz asked and Rory nodded. "Say hello to my brother for me."

"I will," Rory said, aware of Jess tensing beside her. "I'm sure he misses you."

"I drive him a little crazy," Liz admitted. "I always have."

"Maybe we're all guilty of that," Rory said. She didn't know what else to say but then Jess suddenly put his glass down and got up.

"It's late, I'm going to head to bed."

"Late?" Liz exclaimed. "Jess, it's barely nine thirty!"

"I'm tired," Jess said fiercely. "I'm getting a headache."

"Well, okay –"

"Goodnight," Jess said and, without saying anything further to his mother and girlfriend, turned and went up the stairs. Liz sighed and looked at Rory.

"I screwed it up again."

"Oh..." Rory said awkwardly. "I don't think..."

"No, I did," Liz said unhappily. "I know I did."

She drained the rest of her glass and sighed. Rory was trying to think of something to say when Liz reached over and patted her hand.

"You're good for him," she said seriously. "I can see it."

"He's good for me," Rory said quietly and Liz smiled and nodded.

"He turned out well," she said. "No thanks to me."

Rory looked at her but before she could try and find any kind of words Liz got up, took their glasses and went into the kitchen. Rory got to her feet and hurried up the stairs to the bedroom where she was sure he would be. The room was empty, to her surprise, and then the gurgle of pipes showed he was in the bathroom. Rory out her book and sat on the bed to wait.

Soon she heard the sound of a bolt being drawn back and put the book down, expecting him to come through. The door opened but before Jess could come back there was the sound of footsteps on the stairs and then Liz saying sadly,

"Jesse..."

"Don't, Liz."

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"You never mean to," Jess said cuttingly. "Somehow you manage it."

"Jesse!"

"Look, it's not your fault," Rory heard Jess say in frustration. "I just wish I could go see you without having to hear you worship your brother."

"But Luke is my brother."

"I know he's your brother, that's not the point, Liz!"

"I hate that you're so mad at him," Liz said tearfully. "I know I fucked it up but my brother's always done the best he could with you. He's always done what I couldn't."

"What, keeping contact with my father? God, you two are alike. You just decide what's right for me without giving a damn about what I think."

"Jesse!"

"Dammit, Liz!" Jess exclaimed. "Stop saying my name like that!"

"But I hate this!" Liz cried. "He was looking out for you!"

"Like how you looked out for me when you put me on that bus," Jess retorted. "Like how you looked out for me when you fucking gave him that email address. How'd you even have it?"

"Carrie Duncan saw Susie Quantoff and she saw Mary McDonald and she had it from Kayley Schmidt and –"

"You know what, forget it," Jess said, cutting her off. "It doesn't matter how you got it, the point is you gave it to Luke, you never told me you had it and you both screwed me over."

"Jess!"

Liz sounded like she was going to cry and Rory sat stock-still on the bed, unable to move. She knew she shouldn't be listening to this but she couldn't leave the room, she couldn't go anywhere else and all she could do was sit still and hope neither of them knew she was there.

There was a long pause and then Liz said gently,

"Luke shouldn't have done what he did but he was doing it from his heart, like he always does. He wants to look after you, he wants to look out for both of us, that's the way he is. He's your uncle and he's my brother and I hope that if Doula gets in trouble when she's older you'll look out for her the same way. I know you will."

"Stop!" Jess shouted. "Stop it, Liz! Doula is not going to grow up like you, she's already ten times smarter. She's going to finish school and go to college and not wander around aimlessly, stoned out of her head for the next ten years. She's going to do awesome things, be independent, and she's not going to get pregnant young and screw everything up, screw her kid up, because she's not you!"

There was a torn, ragged silence and then Rory heard a gasp and Liz begin to cry. Rory sat paralysed on the bed, wishing she was anywhere else in the world, even her grandparents' house. She heard Jess begin to say,

"Liz –" when a door burst open and a small voice cried,

"Why's everyone mad? Why are you yelling at Mommy?"

"It's okay," Rory heard Liz sniffle. "It's okay Doula, go back to bed."

"I don't want to go back to bed!" Doula insisted. "Why are you crying?"

No one said anything for a moment and then Rory heard Liz say quietly,

"Come on," and two pairs of footsteps fade away. She sat up slightly, wondering what to do when suddenly the bedroom door swung open and Jess came in, a fierce, hurt look on his face, stopping in shock when he saw Rory.

"I thought you were downstairs," he said and Rory shook her head.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I couldn't help hearing."

"Not your fault," Jess said and Rory sighed.

"I'm still sorry."

Jess nodded and went over to the window, staring out for a while. Rory was just wondering if she should get up and join him when he let out a bitter sound and turned round to face her.

"This is what happens, every time," he said angrily. "I go to see Liz or Liz goes to see me and it's fine for a while and then I get mad at her. I think of how she screwed up and then I screw it up and yell at her. God, it's fucked up."

"Jess..."

"The email thing's not her fault," Jess continued. "She didn't even know about it but I still lost it. I just hate how she just worships Luke the whole time, never thinks he does anything wrong. He never tried to stop her going off the rails when she was a kid."

"Jess, you don't –"

"Yes, I do," Jess retorted. "My mother's not the chattiest about her youth but sometimes she goes off on one, usually with the help of wine or a joint. Her mom died when she was a kid and she said it was like being in a black fog, to quote exactly. She said everything crashed down and her dad wasn't there, he was just obsessed with that stupid store and then Luke got obsessed with it too. They'd lock themselves in it all day while she went off and smoked or got high or anything to help her stop thinking about it. They didn't notice, they didn't see that she was in trouble and when they did she was already gone."

"Jess –"

"She lost her virginity to this random guy," Jess said. "I got to hear that a few times. She was sixteen and she was feeling sad and there was this guy in the park who asked what was wrong. She said she was lonely, she ended up going home with him, smoking a joint and having sex. She doesn't remember his name and she doesn't remember if she used anything. I mean, I'm hardly going to judge about casual sex, I don't have some kind of moral issue going on but she's sad about it. She said she got back, Luke and her dad were still working and they asked how her day had been without even looking up and she just said it had been okay, went upstairs and cried. Said the only good thing was that she didn't get pregnant."

"Oh, Jess."

"I know shit happens," Jess said. "I know it wasn't anyone's fault, other than that guy's, but I feel mad at them. I'm mad at them for not seeing it and I'm mad at her for letting her life go out of control and I'm mad at her for what kind of mother she was, to me anyhow."

"Jess," Rory said. She wished she could find something better to say but before she could try Jess went and sat down on the bed.

"And now I've gone and made her cry," he said. "I always throw that ugly stuff back in her face when I think I've put it behind me. She's a decent mother now and I've gone and made her feel that she isn't."

"I'm sure she knows you didn't mean it."

"No, she doesn't know," Jess said in frustration. "She doesn't know because she's Liz. We're not like you and Lorelai, we don't have that weird telepathy thing going on and hell, we can't even have a regular conversation. We are what we are, it is what is what it is, and that means that we take everything we say for the truth. We say ugly things and it takes longer to undo them and we look after each other. It was like we were each other's parents, Rory. I'd fix dinner, I'd check we had money for bills and half the time I'd be the one calling Luke if we were in trouble. And you want to know the craziest part? I wouldn't change it. If someone asked if me I could go back in time and have a regular mother I wouldn't. She's Liz."

Rory didn't know what to say but she took his hand.

"I'm going to go talk to her," Jess said in a rough voice. "I'm just winning at upsetting my entire family tonight."

"Jess –"

Jess didn't say anything but squeezed her hand. He held it tightly for a moment before getting up and leaving the room. Rory wasn't sure if she should stay or follow and chose to leave the room, figuring that if there was another argument she could leave the house that way. Jess was just at the top of the stairs when Doula came running up to him, tear marks still on her cheeks.

"Why do you hate Mommy?"

"I don't hate Mommy," Jess said, bending down to look at her. "I was just mad and I said some things I didn't mean."

"You're mad at everyone today," Doula sniffled. Jess ruffled her hair and gave the top of her head a kiss.

"I'm sorry, Doula. Look, it's all okay, go back to sleep."

"I can't sleep! Will you read me a story?"

"I need to talk to Liz. If you can't sleep after that I'll read you one then."

"Promise?" Doula asked anxiously and Jess nodded.

"I promise. Go on back to bed."

She ran back to bed and Jess started down the stairs. He hadn't got very far when Liz met him halfway.

"Oh. I was just going to check on Doula."

"She's okay."

"Not sleeping then."

"No."

"Just like her brother."

"Liz, I screwed up," Jess said, looking at her earnestly. "I shouldn't have said all that stuff...I was mad at Luke, not you."

"You're mad at both of us," Liz said simply. "And why shouldn't you be?"

She sat down on the stairs and Jess awkwardly sat beside her. Neither of them noticed Rory.

"I'm mad at some of the stuff you did," he said honestly. "But I'm not mad at you now. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Liz said unhappily. "You weren't wrong. I don't want Doula to grow up like me either."

"Liz –"

"Jess, we both know I was a mess. You were right. I don't want Doula to grow up and barely graduate high school, spend all her free time smoking and drinking and getting high. I don't want her to get pregnant young and I don't want her to marry the man who makes her pregnant, especially when he makes a lofty promise about being a family forever and then hits the road. I want her to be more than me."

"Liz," Jess said, his voice wavering slightly. "I want Doula to grow up like you a little."

"You do?"

"I don't want her to do what you just said," Jess said. "But I want her to be optimistic, get up when life pushes her down and believe there's a reason for everything. I want her to see the good in people and in the world and hell, I even want her to have that crazy theory about the universe."

"It's not crazy!"

"Come on, Liz."

"Now, think," Liz insisted. "You keep ending back up with Rory, don't you? I don't know her all that well but I know you've loved her since you were seventeen. You'd keep telling me it didn't work out but you'd find your way back to each other, over and over again and now look, it's more than ten years later and you're in love. Tell me that's not the universe saying something."

"Liz, it's because of the choices we made. It wasn't the universe, it was you, it was us."

"And it doesn't say something to you that you'd keep finding yourselves together? You went back for her, Jesse, I know you did."

"Jeez, Liz."

Rory saw Liz put her arm around him.

"How did I ever give birth to such a pessimist like you?" she asked fondly, kissing his cheek and he shrugged. Rory knew he'd have an embarrassed smile on his face.

"I wonder a lot how it is," Liz sighed. "That I produced two such smart kids. You're a writer and Doula, well, I don't know she'll do but it'll be important."

"Doula's the best thing you ever did."

"You both are," Liz said, taking his face and making him look at her. "Jesse, you were what saved me."

"Liz, don't –"

"You're both the best thing I ever did," Liz said softly. "Doula's my daughter and you're my son and I think I'd be lost without you. Jess, you don't know what you are to me."

Jess didn't say anything but Liz kissed his cheek.

"You've got something special with Rory," she said to him. "Promise me you'll save it."

"Liz –"

"I think she brings out something good in you," she said to him. "And you bring out something in her."

"Liz, you hardly know her."

"I know enough. Now go," Liz said, patting his arm and getting up. "Go and be with her and stop listening to me yammer on."

"You're not yammering on," Jess said. "And Liz...it wasn't always a mess growing up. Not all at the time."

"No," Liz said softly. "Not all the time. There's something, right?"

They looked at each other and Rory started backing down the hall. She suddenly felt terribly guilty, knowing she had intruded and then jumped as she heard a shout down the hall.

"T.J.'s having a nightmare," Liz said, starting up the stairs in a hurry. "He's probably imagining aliens coming for his artwork, it's a recurring thing right now."

She ran up the stairs and towards the end of the corridor and Jess slowly walked up, catching Rory's eye.

"Hey."

"Hi."

Rory opened her mouth, ready to apologise but then saw Jess hadn't know she was there. It seemed wrong to tell him she had overheard such a tender moment, more wrong than her eavesdropping and Jess simply said,

"I'm going to go read Doula a story, she woke up. Stay there if you want."

"I'll come," Rory said. She followed Jess along the hall and into his little sister's bedroom, the walls plastered with paintings, drawings and letters from Jess where Doula lay dozing in the middle, impossibly small in her bed with piles of books all around her, the quilt kicked off. Jess made to tuck the covers over her but she half woke up, grabbing his arm.

"Jesse," she whimpered. "They're mad at me.

"Who's mad at you?"

"Teachers, you, everyone."

"No one's mad," Jess said gently, slipping the bedcovers back over her. "Everyone's happy, it's all okay."

"Mm," Doula grizzled, still distressed, and Jess picked up a book and started reading to her in a low, soft voice.

"Once upon a time there was a little girl, a little girl who lived all alone in the mountains..."

Rory leaned against the doorway and watched the story curling around them, easing his sister in a gentle, even sleep.

Once Doula was asleep they tiptoed out of the room and closed the door. The rest of the house was silent too, suggesting that Liz had gone to bed and they stood awkwardly in the hall.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Rory asked and Jess shook his head. "What should we do?"

"Let's go for a walk."

"A walk?" Rory laughed in a whisper. "It's late."

"Walk on the wild side, Gilmore, live on the edge. I'm still bitter that you never bailed with me when I first came to Stars Hollow."

"It was Stars Hollow," Rory insisted as they went down the stairs. "There was nowhere to bail to!"

"Excuses, excuses. Well, this is Maine. The only edgy thing we might do is bust some teenagers smoking pot."

"So what are we going to do?"

"Just walk around, or something."

"Or something?" Rory teased. "I'll get my jacket."

The night was fresh and the air was sharp and salty. They turned away from the house and walked along by the cliffs, their way lit by the stars. They walked for a long way but didn't come across anyone else, not even one teenager, their only company the sigh of the sea and the wail of the waves.

"I like it out here," Rory said eventually and Jess looked at her in surprise.

"You do?"

"Yeah. Maybe not to live here but I like this. I like how alone we are."

"Didn't pick you for a nature girl."

"Hardly," Rory laughed. "But I see the appeal."

"Even with the ocean?" Jess asked quietly and Rory looked into his eyes.

"It's less scary now."

He nodded, put his arms around her and kissed her.

"Things usually are," he said. "They're always worse in your mind."

"Thank you," Rory whispered. "Thank you for showing me."

"You showed me first," Jess said gently. "You helped me be."

"Be what?" Rory asked but he didn't answer, held her closely to him and silenced her with a kiss. They walked home in silence, holding hands all the way and made love through the night, the sounds of the sea surrounding them, no longer something to flee, Rory thought, as she lay her head on Jess's body. It's never something to flee.


	64. Chapter 64

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory and Jess went home the next day. Jess cooked a breakfast of blueberry pancakes and eggs before he and Rory packed the car to go, Doula crying and hanging onto her brother's leg.

"Don't go," she sobbed. "It's not fair."

"I have to go," Jess said, trying to sound firm and failing. "Don't cry Doula, it's okay. I'll be back soon."

"No, you won't," Doula wailed. "Why do you have to go?"

"Because I've got work and I live in New York."

"Move here," Doula sniffled insistently. "Come live with me and Mommy."

"A tempting offer," Jess said, giving his mother a knowing grin. "But I can't up and leave, Doula, I'm sorry."

"Rory can move too," Doula said stubbornly. "We can all live together!"

"No, we can't," Jess said gently. "You know we can't."

"You're not fair," Doula said angrily, burying her face into the front of her brother's jacket. Jess stroked her hair.

"You'll see me soon, I promise."

Doula didn't say anything and Jess added,

"I've left a new book on your bed."

Doula slowly took her face away and looked up, her cheeks wet with tears.

"What book?"

"A Judy Blume book."

"You're still reading chapter books with me," Doula said suspiciously and Jess said,

"Well, maybe Mommy can read it with you. She likes Judy Blume."

"That's right, I do," Liz offered and Doula frowned, still not fully consoled.

"I still want you to read it," she said unhappily. "And you can't."

"I know, and it sucks," Jess said, pulling her into a hug. "But you will see me soon and that's a promise."

"When's soon?"

"I don't know," Jess admitted. "But sooner than you think. I bet I'll see you again before you've even finished your new book."

Doula's frown transformed into a grin.

"No way."

"Way way. You still need help with chapters."

"You can't beat me!" Doula shouted happily. "I'll have read all of it before you see me again!"

"Oh, yeah? What do I get if you lose?"

"To be the boss of me," Doula said, after thinking for a moment. "But I won't lose, you will! See! See!"

She suddenly turned, streaked back up the path and into the house before anyone could stop her and Liz laughed, turning to Jess.

"Nice touch, leaving her a book like that."

"Don't think she'd have forgiven me otherwise."

"She's got you wrapped around her finger," Liz said fondly. "Guilting you into giving her a book every time you see her. By the time she's ten she'll have more books than the town library. The Jess Library."

"I like the sound of that," Jess said, smiling slightly. "And I want her to have her own library. I want her to read more than anyone."

"I don't think you have to worry there. She can't wait until she can read your books and at this rate I don't think it will be too long. She's trying already."

"I hope she likes them."

"How could she not?" Liz asked. "You're such a good writer and you're her big brother. How could she dislike anything you write?"

Rory smiled at Jess's look of embarrassment.

"She's got a mind of her own," he said eventually. "Maybe she'll think it sucks. She won't be afraid to say so."

"Oh, stop. It doesn't suck and Doula won't think that. You know that little girl worships you."

"Yeah, I know," Jess said, a trace of pride creeping into his voice. "And I'm pretty crazy about her too."

"I'm crazy about both of my kids," Liz said, reaching up and squeezing his chin before Jess could stop her. "Look at my little boy, all grown up, taking care of his baby sister. You're a good brother, you know that?"

"Yeah," Jess mumbled, cheeks scarlet and Liz released him, beaming.

"You remind me of us," she said, not needing to elaborate on whom that might be. "During the good times when we were kids or when I was in trouble and he'd help me out."

"Liz," Jess said, almost so quietly that Rory couldn't hear. "I want you to know that if Doula does get in trouble someday I'll help her out."

"I shouldn't have said that," Liz said guiltily. "You were right, she won't grow up like that."

"I know she'll grow up smart," Jess said carefully. "And independent, but she might still get in trouble. It might not be anything big but you know that if she does get into something, anything, I'll help her out."

"Thank you, Jess," Liz said, stepping back and giving him a smile. "But I kind of already knew."

Jess nodded, suddenly shy and his mother pulled him into a tight hug.

"Are we okay, kid?"

"Of course we're okay, Liz."

"Because I don't want you going home mad at me," Liz said, looking at him anxiously. "Are you mad at me?"

"No, I'm not," Jess said honestly. "I'm really not mad, Liz. I'm going to miss you."

"And I'll miss you too, Jesse. You promise to call more? You promise to call the second you get home?"

"Yes, I promise."

"Good," Liz said firmly and then she looked at him in a careful kind of way. "Jess...please forgive him."

"Liz..."

"He was doing what you would do for Doula," Liz said gently. "And even more for you. My big brother messes it up but he tries, Jess. He tries so hard."

Jess didn't say anything but he nodded. Before Liz could add anything else there was the sound of footsteps on the path and Doula came running back towards them, her brother's jacket flying out like a cape, book in her hand.

"Hey," Jess said fondly, scooping her up. "I thought you were going to let me go without saying goodbye."

"I went to show you I can read it already!" Doula said proudly, sounding out the first sentence in a shakey voice. "See!"

"Yeah, I see. Maybe I'll lose my bet after all."

Doula giggled and then she pouted.

"Did you really think I was leaving without saying goodbye?"

"No, besides, I'd come and find you."

"Always?"

"Always."

Jess hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head before gently putting her back on the ground.

"You're the smartest sister a guy could have, you know that?"

"Yeah, and you're my brother."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jess exclaimed and Doula burst into laughter. "I don't want to know. Okay, look after yourself."

"I don't need looking after!"

"Just a little. Liz'll look after you, and your dad. Doula...stay out of trouble, okay?"

"Like not kicking Brady Jones?" Doula asked, her eyes wide and Jess hesitated and nodded.

"Yeah. Not kicking jerks like Brady Jones."

"Maybe," Doula joked and then she smiled. "I promise."

"Good," Jess said, kissing her goodbye again. "Love you, kid."

"You're so mushy," Doula said but her eyes looked moist and she kissed his cheek. "I love you too." Rory felt like she was listening to a private moment and so hastily turned to Liz, who was smiling in farewell.

"Goodbye, little Lorelai."

"Bye, Liz," Rory said shyly. "Thanks for letting me stay."

"My son loves you, it's the least I could do," Liz said, smiling widely. "And I know you love him."

Rory opened her mouth to confirm but shyness won over and she simply smiled.

"You can come back anytime you want," Liz said kindly. "And you can bring your mother too. I'm still hoping one of these days she and that brother of mine will patch things up and they'll be coming to stay too, though I know Luke'd be complaining the whole time. It's his way, you know? He'll tell you he loves something by saying how he can improve it. Ever notice that?"

"Yeah, I have," Rory said, laughing and Liz reached over and hugged her.

"You take care of Jess," she said seriously. "He's like Luke, you know? Looks after everyone and won't admit to needing care himself. Take care of each other, okay?"

"We will," Rory said, shy again, and Liz smiled softly.

"I think you both know. You both look good. I can tell."

Rory frowned, wondering what Liz meant. She looked at her curiously and then stopped. Liz was getting out a small bag and pushing it into her hands.

"Here, Lorelai. Something to remember me by."

Rory took the bag and slowly unstrung it, opening it to find a beautiful necklace and earrings.

"Oh Liz, you didn't have to –"

"I did."

"It's too much."

"I had everything I needed and besides, they will look wonderful on you. Almost the same as the ones I made for your mother many moons ago. She looked so beautiful."

Rory put the earrings in and Liz helped her with the necklace.

"There. God, you look stunning. Just like your mother. It's more than just the name, you know."

Rory nodded and turned to face Jess, who had let Doula run to her father. He stopped, stared and a smile snuck across his face.

"My mother has some talent, doesn't she?"

"Now don't make me blush," Liz said, laughing loudly but sounding touched. "Okay, kids. You'd better head off."

"Getting rid of us already?" Jess teased but he went and gave his mother another hug. "Bye, Liz."

"Goodbye, sweetie. Drive careful, okay? And don't stop to have sex on the side of the road, there are cops, you know. I nearly got arrested for that once."

"Thanks for the tip," Jess said, turning and giving Rory a look. "Maybe save that story for another time, in the realms of never."

"Oh, it was more than once! The last time was –"

"Bye, T.J.," Jess said loudly, going to his stepfather. "Good seeing you again."

"You too, Jess. You'll stop by again soon?"

"I'll try. Thanks for having us stay."

"Oh, it was all pleasure. Next time I'm going to master landscape on my Etch-a-Sketch."

"That's something to look forward to," Jess said but he gave his stepfather a genuine smile and a hug. "Take care of my sister, okay?"

"She's smarter than me already," T.J. said but he added seriously, "You know I will."

"Bye, T.J.," Rory said, smiling politely. "Thanks for having me over."

"Anytime, Rory. You know, I didn't get to show you my sketch of you! That's the thing about an Etch-a-Sketch – just have to shake it and the whole damn thing disappears!"

"Next time," Rory offered and he sighed and nodded. "You can hone it."

"Now there's an idea," T.J. beamed and he pulled her into an unexpected hug. "You're as smart as your mom and as hot."

"Um , thanks," Rory said and Jess said hastily,

"We're going to hit the road before there's traffic. I'll call as soon as we get back."

He gave Doula one last hug and kiss, promising to give her a separate phonecall and Liz before getting into the car with Rory.

"Give my love to your mother," Liz said to Rory, who nodded. "Goodbye, little Lorelai."

"It's weird that you won't call her Rory, Liz."

"Like I said, positive name," Liz said firmly. Jess sighed, nodded and she added, as he turned on the engine,

"Drive safe and no nooky on the way!"

"And we're out!" Jess said loudly, backing away. "Goodbye, Liz!"

"Goodbye, Jesse! Goodbye!"

Rory turned the look behind as the car started away, watching the three figures waving, Doula's hair carried by the wind and the strange house's shells singing behind them.

It did not take long to depart the small array of houses and soon Rory and Jess were on the road home. They had just rounded a corner onto a road which hugged a cove when Rory suddenly shouted,

"Stop!" and, bemused, Jess did so.

"What is it?" he exclaimed as Rory unbuckled her seatbelt. "Where are you going?"

"Come on," Rory said, taking his hand and leading him down to the beach. "Down here."

"I did promise my mother no nooky on the way..."

"Jess!" Rory exclaimed before turning to see that he was laughing. "Not that! I want to go down to the water."

"Why?" Jess asked, becoming serious almost instantly. "You're not planning on swimming the res t of the way, are you? I don't think you're quite ready yet."

"No," Rory said, laughing as she jumped down to the sand. "I just want to step it in it one last time. I just want to show myself that I can do it one last time."

Jess didn't say anything but he smiled, nodded and took Rory's hand as she slid off her shoes and stepped down to the water. Gingerly she went on and stopped, taking deep breaths as the water washed over her feet and ankles.

"Hey, that's deeper than before," Jess said in admiration. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory said, smiling and taking a slow breath. "I'm okay."

She let go of Jess's hand and stood alone in the water, taking in deep gasps of sea air. She battled anxiety, pushing back panic and the whole minute she spent standing alone felt like an hour. She walked out feeling world-weary but the elation at having done it sent out a bubble of laughter and Jess laughed too, putting his arms around her.

"You did it! I'm so proud of you."

"I'm proud of me too," Rory said, smiling. "And I don't think I could have done it without you."

"You can now," Jess said seriously, staring into her eyes. He held her tightly to him and gave her a kiss. "You can be anything you want."

Rory wanted to reply with a witty remark but she didn't find the moment funny. She felt tired and proud and in love and she leant up and gave Jess a kiss.

They went back to the car after that and started driving again. As they passed the state sig Jess sighed, looked behind him and said,

"Goodbye Maine."

"I didn't know you went in for farewelling states," Rory teased, knowing what he was really saying goodbye to. Jess looked up and grinned slightly.

"I don't make a habit of it, but, just for you...hello, New Hampshire!"

The drive felt long after that. Rory and Jess took turns driving, listening to music and stopping for coffee. Rory was dozing as Jess took over the wheel and suddenly took a detour into Connecticut.

"Jess! What are you doing, we just stopped?"

"Need to go somewhere," Jess said shortly and Rory guessed he didn't mean the bathroom. She sat up and watched as he navigated his way his way through Connecticut, past Hartford and into Stars Hollow, where she knew he would go, and parked the car near the diner. Jess got out, at his side, and made his way into Luke's, where the man in question was wiping the counter. He looked up, stopped in shock and before he could try to say anything Jess held up his hand.

"It's not okay, what you did," he said in a determined voice. "You should have told me, you should have asked me and you shouldn't have hidden it from me. You can't make decisions about my life, about Jimmy, without telling me."

He stopped, taking a breath and then added slowly,

"But I know why you did it."

Luke had been staring at the counter but his head snapped up as Jess said that.

"I know why you did it," Jess said again. "It's who you are, you have to protect everyone, even when we don't need protecting. You wanted to shield me, shield Liz and while it was still underhand I get it. I'd do the same for Doula and her kid, if she had a kid."

Luke didn't say anything and Jess inclined his head slightly.

"That's all I wanted to say. See you, Luke."

"Wait!" Luke called, running around the counter and catching up with them as they reached the door. "Jess, don't go."

"I've got a lot of driving to do."

"Can't you – can't we – could we talk this over?" Luke asked desperately. "Over a burger or something? Do you have time for a burger?"

Jess glanced over at Rory who stared back, knowing it was his decision.

"Okay," Jess said, turning and walking slowly back to the counter. "I've got time for a burger."

"Good," Luke said slowly, suddenly noticing Rory. "Hey, Rory. Do you want a burger too?"

"What kind of question is that?" Jess asked with a sudden grin. "She's Rory Gilmore, of course she does."

Luke looked at him uncertainly and then chuckled as Rory started to laugh and Jess put his arm around her.

"I'd like a burger," she said, smiling. "Thank you, Luke."

"Coming right up," Luke said, heading into the back. Rory and Jess slid onto some stools and, as Rory glanced over, she caught on Jess's face an expression of exhausted relief. She took his hand, held it tightly and breathed in the promise of peace.


	65. Chapter 65

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Luke set two cheeseburgers and fries in front of Rory and Jess and smiled, leaning forward on the counter.

"You both look good," he said, sounding like his sister. "Rory, that's a pretty necklace."

"Thank you. Liz made it, and the earrings."

"So she did," Luke said admiringly. "She's got some talent. They bring out your eyes."

"Hey, Luke, why don't you get involved in the whole Renaissance shindig?" Jess asked, making his uncle blush. "You can stand by their stall and cry out about their talent in faux-Elizabethan."

"I'm not so sure about that," Luke said, unclear on whether his nephew was joking or not. "I helped them out one summer and that was enough. T.J. lost it at me for forgetting to use old-timey speech."

"Yeah, well, I figure if Shakespeare could come back he'd lose it at T.J. for murdering his mother tongue."

"He would at that," Luke agreed. "I mean, not that I know a lot about Shakespeare but I'm sure he would. I trust your judgement."

"Good," Jess said quietly. Luke looked up and said seriously,

"Jess, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all of it."

Jess nodded but didn't say anything. Luke looked at his nephew.

"I was being a coward," he said eventually. "I said it was to protect you and it was but I was being a coward. I didn't want to go through it with you, hurt you, and it was easier not to. I should have told you, I respect your judgement and I'm sorry, Jess, I truly am."

"It's okay," Jess said quietly and Luke started to say,

"I'm –"

"Luke," Jess said in a low, firm voice that made him stop talking. "It's okay. It's done."

Luke hesitated, nodded and pulled up a stool so he could sit down. Rory silently passed him a fry and he took it and smiled.

"So you went to see my sister," he said eventually. "How is she?"

"She's great," Jess said. "She's as Liz as ever."

"In a good way or bad way?"

"Good," Jess said, after a pause. "Way too much universe talk though."

"Oh, God. She started that when she was a kid, I thought she'd let it go."

"Well, she hasn't. We got to hear a lot about Fate and her sex life. She hasn't stopped with that either, plus tips for ours."

"_Tips_?"

"Did you know that you shouldn't have sex on the side of the road in case a cop sees you?" Jess asked seriously. "Because she does and has the official warning to prove it."

"Ah, jeez."

"You know, I don't know which is weirder," Jess continued. "Liz putting condoms in the nightstand for us or you and your stupid system."

"Condoms in the – hey, my system wasn't stupid," Luke said sharply as Rory and Jess started to chuckle. "It gave me a way to keep an eye on you."

"Yeah, look how well that turned out," Jess said sarcastically and Luke went red.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't at my place. My system had merit!"

"Merit at the least subtlety possible," Jess remarked. "And effect."

"You know, this conversation is making me very uncomfortable," Luke said and Jess retorted,

"Hey, I just spent a weekend with my mother telling me about her sex pattern, you don't know the meaning of the word."

"I think I do," Rory chimed in and they glanced at her, falling silent.

"Sorry, Rory," Luke said. "Forgot there was a lady in the room."

"There is?" Jess teased. "Where?"

Rory rolled her eyes and threw a sugar packet at him.

"Hey, Luke, where's my mom?"

"I'm not sure, she should be in later," Luke said. "She's only been in for one fix today so she has to be back soon."

"We can get our fix together," Rory said happily and Luke and Jess exchanged a knowing glance.

"So how are the rest of them?" Luke asked as Jess shook pepper and salt onto his plate. "Stepfather and sister?"

"Stepfather is Loony Tunes as always, Doula is great," Jess said, handing Rory a fry. "She's starting to read chapter books."

"Oh yeah? Taking after you."

"She's not my kid."

"She's your sister."

Jess shrugged and bit into his burger.

"Do you see much of Liz and T.J. in her?"

"She's worrying attached to her Etch-a-Sketch," Jess said. "And she's got Liz's smile. She looks more like her than her dad."

"That's a relief," Luke said fervently before catching himself. He looked ashamed but then saw Jess's grin and they both started laughing.

"You guys are mean," Rory said but she couldn't help giggling a little.

"Rory, I like my brother-in-law but he's not blessed in the looks department."

"Or the brains," added Jess and Rory shook her head sternly.

"I hope you both know you're going to hell for this."

"I'm sure I already have an ensuite," Jess said. Rory was opening her mouth to rebuke him when a sudden voice said,

"I'm sure I had dibs on that first."

"Mom!" Rory shrieked, getting up and running to her. "Hey!"

"Hey, kid!" Lorelai exclaimed, wrapping her into a hug. "What are you doing here? I thought you were still in Maine?"

"We're heading back. We made a detour."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"It was kind of spontaneous," Rory said guiltily and Jess added,

"My fault."

Lorelai looked up at him and took in the scene of he and Rory sitting up at the counter and chatting with Luke, much friendlier than his attitude of the last fortnight.

"Is everything...?"

"We're okay," Luke said, cutting her off and smiling at Luke. "We're fine."

Lorelai nodded and took a stool beside her daughter, a smile spreading across her face.

"I'm really glad, guys," she said. "I am."

Luke nodded and Jess gave a small smile. For a while no one said anything and then Lorelai added with a nervous laugh,

"Hey, what does a woman have to do for coffee around here?"

"Apparently nothing," Luke said, pouring her a cup. "Here you are, enjoy. May as well be drinking tar."

"Tasty tar," Lorelai beamed, taking a sip and sighing in relief. Rory tapped her on the arm and said,

"I'm sorry we didn't call to say we'd be stopping."

"Oh hon, don't worry about it. You just said it was unplanned and besides, I can't stay long, I have to go to Hartford this afternoon."

"Hartford? How come?"

"Meeting with insurance people," Lorelai said, making a face. "Which involves my father."

"Are you going to their place?"

"No," Lorelai said, looking carefully at her daughter. "But I might be coerced in to going back for a drink."

Rory nodded and Lorelai asked gently,

"I'll say hello from you."

"You don't have to."

"Well, it's no problem."

"Only if it's no problem."

"I just said it wasn't."

"So if it's no problem you can tell them if you want but only if it is no problem because I'm fine either way."

"It is no problem."

"Right."

"Great."

Mother and daughter stopped for a sip of coffee and Luke stared at them, flummoxed.

"Have I missed something?" he asked Jess in a low voice. His nephew leaned forwards and whispered,

"Gilmore trouble."

"Say no more," Luke grimaced, reaching behind him and refilling the cups.

"Hey," Lorelai exclaimed, catching sight of her daughter's jewellery. "What's this?"

"Liz made it," Rory said shyly and Lorelai said admiringly,

"Well, it's beautiful. Just like my set."

"Do you still have it?" Luke asked, sounding casual but sounding concerned. Lorelai smiled.

"I still have it," she said gently. "As if I'd ever let it go."

After they had finished their burgers Lorelai and Rory went for a walk around Stars Hollow leaving Luke and Jess to talk. Rory glanced behind her, her cardboard cup of coffee hot in her hand, and saw Jess leaning forward slightly over the counter, a serious expression on his face.

"So they've made up?" Lorelai asked and Rory nodded.

"Pretty much."

"I'm happy," Lorelai said, putting an arm around her. "Luke was so hurt."

"So was Jess."

"It was hard on them both," Lorelai said knowingly and Rory nodded. They walked along in silence.

"So how was Maine?" Lorelai asked eagerly as they passed the lake. "How was _Liz_? Did she live up to memory?"

"You knew her better than me but from what Jess said it's safe to say she's the same. She was very relaxed, very into the universe and very..._open_."

"Open?"

"She said I had to find her son handsome because I was sleeping with him and she put condoms in our nightstand."

"Well, that was very considerate," Lorelai said, after a pause and Rory laughed.

"I guess."

"Am I expected to do the same if Jess comes over?" Lorelai asked and Rory stared at her before she saw she was joking.

"Very funny!"

"Yes, I know. Don't worry, when he does I'll do up the spare room and he can sleep in there and I won't leave you alone for five minutes."

"You're hilarious. Couldn't you be generous and make it ten?"

"Hey, I'm smarter than Luke," Lorelai said knowingly. "We all know what can be done in ten minutes or five, come to think of it. Maybe I'll make it two. That's all it took for you to be conceived."

"My mother, ladies and gentlemen," Rory said in a tired voice. "The Lorelai Gilmore welcome home."

"You wish all the other moms were as cool as me," Lorelai teased, pinching her daughter's cheek. "So how was the rest of the trip?"

"It was fine," Rory said, finishing her coffee and tossing it in the trash. "We looked after his sister, we went for walks and we went to the beach. I actually went in the water."

Lorelai stopped and stared.

"You_ went_ in the _water_?"

"I wasn't swimming or anything," Rory said, her heart thumping. "I just stood at the edge."

"But you actually stepped in?" Lorelai asked incredulously. "I can't believe it, Rory. You haven't gone within a foot of water since –"

She broke off, looking sad and stroked her daughter's hair.

"I know," Rory said, a tight feeling in her chest. "But Jess helped me. He said I didn't have to be scared, he said I could do it and he held my hand the whole time. I could only do it for less than five minutes, but –"

"That doesn't matter," Lorelai said, putting her arm around her and squeezing her tightly. "Rory, I'm so proud of you, you have no idea."

"Mom..."

"How did he do it?" Lorelai demanded. "I couldn't get you to step on wet grass until you were three!"

"I don't know," Rory said, unable to help smiling. "But he did."

Lorelai nodded and hugged her tight.

"I'm so proud."

Neither of them said anything for a moment and then Lorelai said,

"Doula must be so big now. I haven't seen her since she was a toddler."

"She's six," Rory said fondly. "She's cute. She's a lot like Jess."

"Is she getting into trouble at school?"

"Mom!" Rory exclaimed. "I meant she's smart!"

"I know, I'm just teasing," Lorelai said with a grin. "So it was a good trip?"

"Yeah," Rory said, with a smile. "It was."

"But you're glad to be home?"

"Yes," Rory said honestly. "I'm glad to be home."

They had made a circle around the diner and were back at Lorelai's jeep.

"Okay, kid, I have to go," Lorelai sighed. "Sorry it was so short and sweet."

"I promise I'll call and give you all the gossip tonight," Rory said firmly, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Not just the Cliff Notes version."

"You'd better and hey, aren't we seeing each other next week?"

"Maybe," Rory grinned. "Isn't it someone's birthday?"

"That's right!" Lorelai said, letting out a gasp. "It is someone's birthday! I just can't remember whose!"

"I'm sure the memory will come up when you call me tomorrow all excited because it's someone's birthday week," Rory said, rolling her eyes. "You do it every year without fail."

"Well, a birthday is just one day, how fair is that?"

"In other countries they get a name day. It's even bigger than your birthday."

"A name day?" Lorelai exclaimed. "I want a name day! When's mine?"

"I don't think there is one for Lorelai."

"There should be. I want a name day!" Lorelai whined and then sighed. "I really have to go. You'll call me tonight?"

"I wouldn't dare forget."

Lorelai gave her one last hug and stepped into the car.

"Hope Hartford goes okay," Rory said and Lorelai looked at her sadly.

"Do you want me to pass on any other message?"

"Like what?" Rory asked and firmly shut the jeep door. "Go. You'll be late."

"Boy, I can feel the love," Lorelai said sarcastically and started the car. "Bye, sweets."

"Bye, Mom."

Rory waved until the jeep had rounded the corner and then looked up at Jess came out to join her.

"Your mom's gone?"

"She's gone. She's seeing my grandparents today."

Rory had a lump in her throat without knowing why and Jess squeezed her hand.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory said, turning and smiling. "Let's go home."

"Yeah," Jess said, giving her a kiss. "Let's go."


End file.
